My Right Patella Recovery

Sigh

Am I really doing any better? Will the knee ever heal properly? Is the wheelchair really saving me? I have a cast on but what does that mean when I fall, because I fell this morning?

All these answers with no true answers. The third time around just brings up more of the same questons of before. I believe God has a reason for me being in this predicament -- what is it I am supposed to learn, though?

This accident has already taught me that I can't be and do everything. I just want to do a few things successfelly enough to say that I did them well and have my family proud of me but more importantly to be proud of myself.

Parenting at this point in my life is my most important role in life. I feel that before I got into this roller skating accident I was doing a rather decent job. After the accident has been another story because I have had to rely on my family more. My oldest (7-year-old son) has been a great big help getting me stuff and doing little things to help Mommy. My youngest (11-month-old daughter) at best can give me a few smiles along with a few laughs -- sometimes that is enough. The fact is if they need help they have to rely solely on their Daddy: This hurtd me because I so want to help them learn and grow to be successful human beings.

As a wife, I know I fail my husband in many ways. I am a housewife that relies on him to do the chores around the house. The ones that I used to do. Also we are faced with the possibility that we are going to have to hire someone to do my chores: Vacuuming, dusting, laundry, sweeping, cleaning of the bathrooms, etc...to relieve my husband of these extra chores above and beyond his professional role of professor at the University we live on.

My predicament keeps my depression lurking beside me at all times because I find myself rather lonely. The friends I thought I had have to keep their own family running smoothely and find little time to visit a homevound person as myself.

I am thinking of trying to become the world tomorrow by going outside with my wheelchair and watch my slow world pass by me. The day is supposed to be in the 70s and really nice do if the winds die down I will go out for a few hours. Maybe someone will care enough to stop by.

I am scared of what happens from here. What if this knee never heals right? What if 10 years down the line I will need another surgery to replace the kneecap? What then? Should I have just replaced it now? Would the insurance have paid for it as a PPO?

All these questions with few answers running through my head. None of them helping the depression one bit.

Oh well, somehow life goes on around mewhile I sit here in my pain and misery. Don't feel sorry for me though I am a strong woman and somehow I will get through this hell. This is not a 'pity me'plea just a 'where my heads at...' entry.

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I am more myself in solitude. For in solitude I am myself.
-(c)Melia Benjamin, August 2000

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