Just Jul Lee is just me. I write my thoughts and observations.
Don't Give Up...
DATE: November 22, 2005
I was very happy today and someone, very unknowingly and therefore carelessly, tossed my joy aside and threw me into a pit of sorrow. Ah, me...
So it was that I mused about marriage. Now, how I always tend to end up here I have no idea but there I sat, thinking that I am truly a horrible soul and that, though redeemed, I am far from the person God wants me to be.
What does that mean? Basically it means that I am running around the same mountain, tripping over the same rocks and thinking that life is not all it's cracked up to be. Now, know that because I have God in my life, I am willing to work out this life and continue trudging forward but I am seeing the back of the mountain again and I'm getting a little bored with the scenery.
God often has to tell us something, or show us something, numerous times before we even begin to glimpse what He wants us to see. So, I have come to the conclusion:
"God, I don't want to marry a man who is anything like me!"
That said, I think, once again, that I may be off base with the whole 'Pastor's wife' calling on my life. I mean, really, what in the world could I be thinking? So, I have asked God to make it clear to me, His calling.
The thing is that I don't want to be full of hope and longing for something that isn't His plan for me. I am absolutely not a 'catch', as it were and I am such a 'freak' when it comes to talking to guys that the only way that I could possibly become a wife is if God has His hand in it completely. And if He doesn't...well...you know.
I can't imagine falling in love. Okay, so that's sort of a lie. I can very well imagine falling in love but having someone fall in love with me seems unreal and very unrealistic. I can't even imagine it.
So I see guys in movies (Hollywood is horrible, isn't it?) staring at a girl as though they can't look at them enough, fighting for a relationship that seems doomed from the beginning or meets opposition at every street corner, and I think, "That would be so cool!"
That would be so cool...
I want God to tell me yes or no, straight out, in such a way that I can believe with all my heart and soul that there is a man out there that loves God first and foremost and loves me so much that it hurts inside. Of course the feeling will be mutual because God is a perfect God.
I don't want to believe in this man if he doesn't exist. I asked God, "Is there really a man out there for me?" That is how I came to my earlier conclusion of the man not being anything like me. Doesn't it seem like unworthwhile pain and suffering to fall in love? Doesn't it seem like a waste of time to marry and live with someone? Doesn't it?
I'm not against marriage and I'm not saying this to folks who are or are going to be married. I'm saying this to the singles who are completely consumed with finding 'the one' that they end up finding 'the wrong one' and settling. That's why most marriages end in divorce, why most teens are having babies, or are aborting babies, and why child abuse and domestic violence is on the rise.
What can I possibly do to overcome this?
Don't give up...
My Grandmother and Grandfather just celebrated their 50th Wedding Anniversary on Saturday. That, my friends, was totally inspiring. That renewed my faith in marriage slightly, lifted my spirits and made me happy.
50 years...don't give up...
So, I'll wait for the Lord to answer me and try my best not to bore folks around me with my fears and doubts. I am going to do my best to love and serve God and to believe, no matter what comes my way.
Because He loves me and I love Him and He is all I need.