A compendium of my thoughts. Probably disturbing to most people.
|It's not quite four in the morning and I'm thinking of love. again. Why do I think this? I make myself lonely. Why now? Half a year ago I was content with my life. i had but needed no one. I had all my desires if not fulfilled then kept in check. Now I feel lonely. perhaps the decade of reading of love has finally caught up with me. perhaps my hormones have kicked into high gear, perhaps i was not as mature as i thought I was.
What scares me just a little is that I like this. I feel empty, and yet I am filled more than when I need no one. I would rather feel lonely than need no one. It's not a choice I make, not a preference; it's something fundamental, like appreciating a breast or listening to a beat.
Perhaps my feelings more intense now that I am so at ease. I have slow guitar music playing, but not loud enough to drown out the sound of the wind through the trees outside. as the minutes pass, i can hear rain occasionally. the shade taps gently against the sill of the open window in my bathroom. the room is lit by the soft light of my lamp, its strong bulb dampened by a dark shade. Kokopelli, unmoving, dances on its base. My keyboard is lit from underneath, a wonderous thing. I've dimmed its normally intense luminescence.
Even as the music swells in a crescendo, I hear the wind in the pines. Evergreens make calmer, deeper sounds than their seasonal counterparts. deciduous trees rattle and shake like a junkyard. Evergreens are the shush of a mother to her crying child, the hushing of an audience as the lights dim.
Ha, that's it for today. Inspiration over.
"My hand is not so great that showing it would make a difference." -persuader user from Kino no Tabi.