by BIG BAD WOLF
A collection of various short stories and poetry.
|Everyone looks at me like I'm the bad guy, all because I ate Red Riding Hood and her grandmother. "Oh what a terrible thing you did, Mr. Wolf," they say. "How could you eat that sweet little girl and that lovable old lady?" Truth is, I did the world a favor, not to mention saved it, when I ate them. Let me start at the beginning.
First off, me and many other so-called "Bad Wolves" are actually secret agents. We take the role of "the bad guy" so that people don't find out the truth about those we eat/kill. Truth is, those three pigs, they were building weapons of mass destruction. The first two were relatively easy to deal with; the third required a few pounds of C-4. As for Little Bo Peep, those sheep were her henchmen/army, and scaring her off wasn't like that time when a spider sat down next to Miss Moffat, nice girl by the way, with her tea and such. That woman was plumb loco, with plenty of weapons for her sheep to use against us. Lost more than a few comrades before we finally took her down. However, our job is to keep that truth secret, and project the image that we are the bad guys. Besides, how do you explain to a child that those nice looking animals and people were really evil monsters? You don't, because they wouldn't believe you anyways.
As for me, Red, and her grandmother, well here's the skinny, Red and Granny were really spies, with Red carrying classified military secrets to her "Granny" in her "Basket of Goodies". Once Red handed the secrets off to Granny the old woman would then mail them off to the people that had hired them to do the job. My job was to stop them, by any means necessary.
At first, I had tried to talk Red out of stealing the secrets. I had met her on the road to her Granny's place. "Young lady," I had told her. "It would be in your best interests if you come with me and cooperated with authorities about who it is that you and your Granny work for." That didn't work too well, as she was packing a 9-Mil in her basket. Took a round in the shoulder. She must of been confident that I was dead, because instead of going to her Granny's to report what had happened, and telling her that we were on to them, she went and did her job. As for me, as soon as she was out of sight, I got up and went to her Granny's place. What can I say, I'd been observing them for several months, and I had plenty of evidence collected before I attempted this.
At first, I tried to convince the old woman that I was a yarn seller, then again we did have a great deal of wool after dealing with Miss Bo Peep and we made a lot of yarn out of it. Well, she fell for it, hook, line and sinker, or so I thought when she invited me in so that she could look at them more closely. Unfortunately the woman must have smelled that I was an agent or something, because next thing I knew the old woman pulled a double-barrel sawed-off shotgun on me. Well, I decided to take cover, and jumped behind the couch, but even so, I think a pellet or two got lodged in my face, and more than a few in my shoulder and side. I have to tell you, she wasn't the sort of grandmother I'd get milk and cookies from, unless they were ones with lead in them. Of course those pellets did create quite a mess, more than enough that the old bat thought that I was dead, and left the place, most likely to get a shovel to bury me in the woods or some such thing. Of course, getting shot twice in one day was really cramping my style. I mean, do you know how much that hurts? Try grabbing a hot pan from the oven without gloves and you'll feel a small amount of pain compared to being shot once, let alone twice. Thankfully, I'm a really quick healer, a bonus given the jobs that I do.
After the woman left the house, I got out from behind the couch and grabbed a frying pan and hid behind the door. My plan was to knock out the old bat, handcuff her, toss her into the basement, wait for Red, knock her out, cuff her, and call base for a pick up. Not original but it usually works, usually. Unfortunately, the old woman must have had a thick skull, because she didn't go down with one swing, and she used the shovel to fight me, and my shoulder wasn't fully healed, and she just wouldn't give up, and during the course of the struggle more than a few doors were knocked down, including those leading to the basement stairs. At one point my back was to this particular doorway, at which point she charged me. However, my legs gave out at I guess the right moment and she fell down the stairs. As she fell down I heard a sound that I knew quite well, that of bone breaking. When I had regained my energy, I went down those steps using the handrail to help me keep my balance. At the foot of them I found her lying down in what I knew was an unnatural angle. I checked for a pulse and didn't find any. After that, I tried heartbeat as well as breathing. There wasn't any. The woman was dead. At that point my stomach growled and I realized two things, the amount of energy I'd lost, and how hungry I was. "Well," I'd thought. "Waste not want not." So I took the woman's clothes off and swallowed her whole. Now, while some people might find it disturbing that I did this, and I don't like doing it myself, the woman was dead and the worms would have eaten her eventually, so I decided to beat them to the punch, and get some benefit out of the whole thing.
After that, I went back upstairs and looked for a place to rest, and wait for Red to show up. I found a room that hadn't been broken into, a room with a bed and a desk. Well I checked the desk out. There was plenty of evidence connecting the old woman and Red to various terrorist and criminal organizations. However, I decided to take a nap, as the lab guys could check the stuff out when I turned it in. Besides, it takes time for a hundred or so pounds of meat and bones to digest.
It was towards evening when I heard Red entered the place. I'm guessing that she saw the mess because she said, "Granny, are you alright?" I couldn't let her get too suspicious so I said, in my best "Granny" voice, "I'm here in the bedroom. I wasn't feeling too good earlier so I decided to take a nap." She came to the room and started to ask me some questions, and no it wasn't "Granny, why are your eyes so big?", or any of that other stuff. It was, "Why is the room a mess? Why is there blood behind the couch?" and a few other questions. Well I decided enough was enough and tried to apprehend her, though Granny's weight threw me off a bit when I tried to grab the woman, and all that I got was that blood-red cloak. I guess that she had managed to grab her 9-Mil because next thing I knew I heard a very familiar click, and heard a very familiar roar, after which I blacked out.
Sometime later I woke up hearing the sound of water running, and with a pounding headache. Against my own better judgment, I touched the back of my head, and not only did my pain intensify, I felt something wet. When I took a look at my hand, it was covered in blood. I guess that it was a good thing that I have a thick skull, as I'd of been dead otherwise. But even so, it hurt a lot worse than being shot in the shoulder.
Well I managed to stand on my own two feet, if a bit unsteady at first. I then went towards the sound of the running water and found Red standing in the shower, naked obviously. I'll be honest and tell you, from what I could see through the shower curtain that she had a smoking hot body, perfect breasts, long luxurious hair, and a prime piece of ass. Had she of been anyone else, and not a criminal in the way that she was, I probably would of taken her to the bed and had sex with her then and there, because she was turning me on. However, I had a job to do, and that was to bring her in, so I banished those thoughts from my mind. I rushed towards her, getting her caught in the curtain.
Of course, that didn't stop her from fighting. She'd kept trying to hit me, either with her head or her feet, but I was able to press a nerve point on the middle of her shoulder blades, causing her to fall unconscious. After that I got some rope and tied her up, while she was still in the shower curtain. I then called base for a pickup, and we were at Headquarters not even an hour later. Red got twenty years to life for her involvement in the stealing and selling of classified military information, plus an additional twenty for assault and attempted murder, without the possibility of parole.
As for the Woodcutter and the "Red" that most people know, paid actors. We keep more than a few of them on the payroll. As for me, I'm busy on another assignment, something about the Muffin Man slipping some substance in his cooking. Like I said, there are plenty of secrets that people don't know, and wouldn't believe anyways.