The history of Prosperous Snow written for the group Reminiscences
Monday Morning Terror or Is It Depression
It is about 11:13 am on Monday, April 13, 2015. I am terrified! I am afraid, but there is no explanation to this fear that I am feeling. At least, I do not think it has an explanation. I might find an explanation after I finish this entry. When I began this book, I intended to write memories of the past or essays. I have succeeded in writing some of the memories, but I have not written any essays. I do not know what I intended to write today because this feeling of complete disaster has driven it from my mind.
This feeling snuck up on me today. I do not think it is the precursor to a panic attack because no other symptoms are there. The only thing I feel right now is complete and utter fear. I am so afraid I want to cry and I do not know why. I do not have enough to pay the power bill or the internet bill. I will receive money from working the election polls on Tuesday, April 7, but I do not know when the check will come. I have to pay the internet bill by Wednesday, April 22. I have a double bill for the power and I do not know where that money is going to come from. I am afraid. I am terrified! I am depressed and I want to cry.
The way I feel could be because of the sweets I ate for breakfast this morning. It could be from almost anything. I did not do any surveys on Sunday, but I do not think that had much to do with the way I feel today. Of course, I could be wrong. I do not even know why I chose this as the subject of today's entry. I guess I thought it might help if I could write the fear and the terror out. I hope it does help. I have to say some prayers that will help as well. Getting money will help, but that is only a temporarily.
I do not know why I am afraid. I have managed to get enough money over the past year or so to keep me afloat. I am thankful to God and Baha'u'llah for their assistance. I know that without their help I would be homeless or without electricity and an internet connection. I should not feel this afraid, but I do. I am afraid this feeling means that I do not trust God or fear Him. I want to cry at this thought.
This feeling of fear is not new. I have been afraid of a lot of things throughout my life. I know that by putting my faith in God and His Messenger, Baha'u'llah, that this will pass and I will be able to face the future unafraid. The fear seems to occur at certain times during the month or the year. I am attempting to remember when it occurred in February or March. Did it occurred around the ides of the month? Did something happen about that time to cause it to rear its ugly head? Why do I feel this way? Am I putting off something I need to do? Why am I so afraid today?
Am I feeling afraid because it is Monday? Why am I feeling this way? Is it my diet that is causing me to feel this way? I do not like feeling this way? I intone God's Greatest Name either aloud or mentally when this feeling occurs and eventually the feeling leaves. The feeling does not remain gone because it shows up every month without fail. I am terrified and I do not know why. Perhaps I do know why, but I do not want to admit it. Why would I not want to face my fear? Maybe it is because I haves spent my life not facing my fear. If the terror so great now because I am lonely.
I live alone for the first time in my life. I am afraid and I live alone. Is that why I am afraid? I should get up and go check the mail box. The postman came, but I do not know if he left anything. If he did leave anything then it is more then likely a bill that I cannot pay. I am tired of being poor and unable to pay my bills, but I do not know what to do because in order to make money I need money and I do not have any. I cannot even purchase a package of Depends because the extra money I have in the bank need to go for medication. I need to pick up two prescriptions, I have enough money for them. At least I think I have enough for them. I will find out when I go to pick them up tomorrow afternoon unless I change my mind and go this afternoon.
I am going to close this entry now because I have to take some sort of action or I am going to sit here and go crazy. I will go take a bath and then go pick up the mail. I might even take the trash to the alley. I know I am going to put on the spinach and collard greens to cook this afternoon. Once they are cooked then I can figure out when to eat them.