The history of Prosperous Snow written for the group Reminiscences
Free Write on Various Subjects
I don't know what subjects this free write will cover so I will start out with a grammar (that wasn't what I was going to write, but I think I've encountered a Freudian slip so I will go with that subject first) rant.
I have grammar issues which show their ugly heads when I least expect them. I have to admit that... I'm not sure what I was going to write. I have grammar issues and I have procrastination issues. I put off writing something because I am afraid of encountering my grammar problem. However, putting off writing something is not the way to handle the issue. I need to face the fear and the problem, write and put it up for review asking for specific information on the grammar issues.
Procrastination, caused by fear, is my biggest problem. I set a time to get up and then I procrastinate by pushing the snooze alarm. This doesn't help because the longer I put off getting up the less I accomplish during the day. I think I will have to just make myself get up instead of finding some excuse to push the snooze. Sometimes I use the cold as an excuse. I think the older I get the worse things get because of my procrastination and fear. There is so much I want to accomplish, but I don't seem to have time. Part of the problems is procrastination because I put something off and the longer I put it off the worse it gets. I have put off writing a story two weeks in a row until it becomes too late to write the story, proof read it or get someone else to proof read it before submitting it to a contest.
Sometimes I think I should just give up but I know that I'm too stubborn to give up. I will continue on until I overcome this procrastination issue. I don't know why I've been so afraid lately or maybe I don't want to admit why I'm so afraid. I'm on the verge of tears now because I don't know what I'm going to do about bills that are coming due. I don't have the money and I can't seem to earn more then a few dollars at a time which doesn't help on the bills that are coming due. I'm afraid that I will not have an internet connection because I can't pay the bill. I'm afraid I won't have electricity because I can't pay the bill. I might be able to get help for the electricity, but not the internet because that isn't a necessary item at least not for a 68 year old woman who can't take care of herself.
Nothing seems to be going right for me today, which may be an overstatement. I have a tendency to overstate and this just makes the depression worse. I don't know how I'm going to use this rant in a essay or a story, but perhaps I can find a way. At least I will if I can convince myself that I can accomplish something. Sometimes I feel as if I'm waiting for someone to do something to help me, but I know that this is not going to happen. I'm alone and I'm going to spend the rest of my life poor and alone. I'm tired of listening to the neighbors music because all it does is make me more depressed because of the words that are used. Civilization is on its way to hell or maybe its already there. I've got to get out of this apartment because living here isn't helping my depression. The problem is that I'm afraid to look for a place because I know I can't find a place I can afford by myself and I probably can't find one I can affor with a roommate which would probably be Faye.
Can I live with my sister?
Can I live with my sister? I wonder if I can. I know we couldn't get along as children, but maybe now that we're both over sixty years old we can. I'm afraid that I will end up taking care of her or that she will end up taking care of me. I'm afraid that I will be forced to give up everything I've got at the moment. Not that I have a lot. I miss Mom so much without Mom I don't know if I can survive. I don't know if I can survive by myself. I hate to admit that I need someone to help me survive because I was so stupid when I was young and not invested money for my old age.
I'm a poor old woman. No one care about a poor old woman. I'm tired of being poor. I'm tired of doing surveys for little money. I don't make enough money at surveys to pay my bills. I want to pay my bills. I want to be able to live without being afraid the internet will be cut off or the power company will turn off the power. I'm t ired of being afraid that my Bank Account will be over drawn. I'm just tired of being afraid of everything. The financial situation just increases my fear, but I'm so afraid of a lot of things.
I wonder if I could use these entries for a diary to reveal why a character did whatever it is the character does. I don't know what my female character would do, but I wonder if these entries could be used to reveal her motives. I'm tired of being afraid so I have to do something to confront my fears and figure out a way to increase my income. I want to write stories, but I'm afraid to submit them because I think someone will think what I write is stupid. I don't know where these thoughts come from maybe they are a leftover from my childhood or being bullied in school. I wonder if being bullied could be the cause of these feelings. I don't remember ever standing up to a bully in school I simply submitted to the bitches demands.