The history of Prosperous Snow written for the group Reminiscences
Phobias and Other Fear
I discovered a new phobia! It is call Thalassophobia, which is "Fear of the Ocean"1. Thalassophobi comes from two Greek words thalassa, which means "sea or ocean" and phobos which is 'fear or dread'.2 I discovered this fear a couple of days ago when I read a blog entry. I am not sure how I am going to use this in my writing at this time. The title "Spider and snakes and wolves, Oh My!" comes to mind, but I still have to decide if I am going to use it in a blog entry or a story.
Fear is Lack of Trust in God
I wonder if I have written this thought before, but if I have then I am writing it again. Fear in its simplest and in all its forms is lack of trust in God. I know this and I think I have always know this, but still I am afraid. I am afraid that someone will read my blog entries and not like them. I continue to make blog entries despite this fear. Does this fear have an effect (or is that affect) on whit I write? Sometimes yes and sometimes no and sometime maybe. I continue to write and as I write I become bolder with what I write.
I am afraid that the or rather my internet provider will turn off my internet connection tomorrow or Thursday. I paid $125.00 of what I owed yesterday, but I still owe more and I do not have the money to pay the rest. I am afraid they will turn it off and want the money immediately before turning it back on. I want to cry, but I do not know what I can do about it except let them turn it off until I get the money to pay them. I also owe the electric bill which I will have to pay in May and I do not have the money for that. I can make a little money online through surveys, but not enough to pay what I owe.
These situations have been working out so far. I have had this problem for the past year and seem to come up with the money with the help of my sister. I cannot get anyone else in the family to help me. It bothers me that the only one who seems to care is my sister. I know that is not true, but that is the way I feel sometimes. I know the rest of the family has their own problems. I am fortunate that I am not homeless. I am fortunate to have what I have. I am lucky to be alive.
Maybe I feel this way tonight because I am in pain. Actually I ache all over, but my left shoulder is the worst. It does not do any good to complain because complaining only make the pain worse. I think part of my problem is that I am not sleeping well. I am sitting on a love seat sleeping because when I lay down my back hurts so much that it wakes me up, but I think tonight I will lay down and sleep. If the pain wakes me up half way through the night then I will sit up and sleep that way the rest of the night.
I am so tired of living by myself. Is part of the reason that I am afraid because I am living by myself. (I think there is a problem with grammar in that sentence.) I need to look for places to live either a one bedroom or a two bedroom apartment. I need to find a place in a different section of town. I want to live somewhere or is that someplace where I can teach the faith. That is an excuse. I need to find a way to teach the faith where I am living now instead of waiting until I find a different area of town.
I have put off so many things because of fear and I know that fear shows a lack of trust in God. Another thing I am afraid of is that I will not make my word count if I leave the house to do laundry, go shopping, or look for another place to live. I need to clean house as well. I have to get over the fear of not accomplishing something. I need to get over the fear. I have to face my fear by doing what I am afraid of, which is the only way to overcome fear. You have to push through the fear instead of pulling back and attempting to find a way around it.
I have been afraid to contribute to the fund because of fear. I wrote a check to the local fund today. I have to address the envelop, put a stomp on it and give it to the postman tomorrow. Then I will just place everything in God's hands and hope for or rather expect the best. I am going to close this now and get on with something else.