by BIG BAD WOLF
A collection of various short stories and poetry.
|Samurai Quack was a Parody of Samurai Jack. This is a Parody of that!
“Walking, walking, walking, and still more walking,” Samurai Quack said, as he kept on walking down the path that he was walking on. “Sheesh! I do a lot of walking. What I need is a cool motorcycle, with machineguns that go ‘Blam! Blam! Blam!’ and rockets that go ‘Boom! Boom! Boom!’, instead of this sword that goes ‘Swish! Klang! And Twang!’ Ugh! I’d swap my sword for a glass of water!”
Samurai Quack then saw a rock with a glass of water on it, with a sign. “One glass of water for one plain and dull sword.”
He looked at it, and walked up to it. “My sword isn’t plain or dull! It’s very sharp! I say it’s worth at least three glasses of water!”
Suddenly a second glass of water appeared next to the first, and the sign changed to “Would you settle for two?”
Samurai Quack grinned. “Yep!” He reached for the glasses when –
Samurai Quack looked, and saw that Annoying Future Guy. “I’m just getting a couple of glasses of water.”
“You can’t trade your sword for those,” the guy said, in a Phil LaMarr-type voice. “You’ll need it to defeat Lord Achoo!”
“Whatever!” Samurai Quack turned back to the glasses, and saw that someone had stolen them, and had drank the contents. “AAAAHHHHHHH!” He drew his sword, and was about to attack the annoying guy when –
“Stop! This is a Y-7 rated show!”
Samurai Quack looked up at the box. “Come on! Increase the rating already!”
Suddenly, the box changed from a Y-7 into TV-14, and there was a V just below it.
Samurai Quack chuckled wickedly as the screen faded to black. “Oh come on!”
There was a white screen, with sounds of violence and fighting coming from it. The camera pans out, to reveal that the screen was part of a TV, and then the camera pans around, to see the demonic cat-like Lord Achoo watching a show of some sort.
Lord Achoo looks directly at the Forth Wall. “Ten plus three years later, they finally came back with a season to end it all!” The voice sounds like a mixture of Mako Iwamatsu and Greg Baldwin. He glances at the TV. His eyes widened. “This show isn’t for kids anymore, that’s for sure. Oh my! He just stabbed that woman, with a spear, through her heart! And pinned her to a tree! And did he just? He just tossed another off of a cliff! Wait! Oh no! Seriously? The last one falls in love with him! And, the Main Villain turns out to be her father! And now an entire army of the guy’s old friends show up to save him? I swear, this series went downhill! I can’t believe I was ever a fan of this show!”
He grabs a remote, and presses a button, causing the TV scene to turn black. “Well, I’m off to bed.”
Suddenly, out in the desert, someone is on a motorcycle. It’s Samurai Quack!
“I just love this bike!” he says. “Let’s see-”
He presses a button, causing machineguns to fire.
He presses another button, causing rockets to come out and explode.
He presses another button, and watches some more machineguns to pop out, and fire rockets.
He pressed yet another button, and saw rockets fly out, and fire machineguns before exploding.
He saw a red button. “I wonder what this one does.” He pressed it, and the bike exploded, sending him flying into a tree. “Ow! Who put this tree here?” He then fell, and landed on a branch, in a rather painful manner. In a squeaky voice, he says, “This one will hurt more than my other future injuries will!” Then, he screams, as he falls, and hits over twenty more branches. “I was wrong! The others hurt just as much, if not more so!”
Painfully, Samurai Quack stood up, only to pause, as he saw a splinter in his finger. “This is going to take nerves of steel.” He starts to shake as he grabs the splinter. Carefully, he manages to pull the splinter out. “Phew! Close one.” Then, he stubs his foot on a rock. “OOOOWWWWWWWW!!!!!!” He then passes out.
He awakens with a scream, and sees a pig-like person wearing a black skinsuit, sitting across from him, with a fire burning between them. “Um, who are you?”
“M a m a m, I’m your l-l-l- love-interest,” the pig stammered.
Samurai Quack blinked. “I thought that my love-interest would be that tough Earth-named lady, that um, what’s her name, oh Sarah Weekly? Always plays action-girls.”
The pig’s eyes narrowed. “You got me instead. She got hired by those yellow guys, and the mouse.”
“I was sure the Brothers would get her,” said Samurai Quack.
“Not enough money to hire her for one episode,” the pig said. “Luckily, I already work for the Brothers, so they got me for the cost of a roasted ham.”
Samurai Quack blinked. “Um…”
“Listen, do you want to beat Lord Achoo, who is unknowingly, between everyone including us, my biological father, and not just the demon the cult I was part of worshiped, or not?!” the pig asked.
“Um, what’s your name?” Samurai Quack asked.
“Baconsausageham,” the pig said.
Samurai Quack blinked. “Can I call you Pinky?”
The pig’s eyes narrowed. “You’re the Hero. Call me whatever you want.”
“Very well,” said Samurai Quack. “We will fight Lord Achoo, but first, we must go on a harrowing and dangerous journey.”
“In order to get your Warrior Spirit back?” the pig asked.
“No!” exclaimed Samurai Quack. “I have to go to the pawnshop and get my sword back! I traded it for that bike over there, which turned out to be faulty!”
The pig looked over at the burnt bike. “Did you read the Owner’s Manual?”
“Um.” Samurai Flashed-back to when he got the got the bike, and remembers a boring magazine that he tossed into a burning trash bin. “That must have caught fire and caused the explosion.”
The pig narrowed their eyes. “You didn’t read it, did you?”
“I still need to get my sword back!”
“Alright. Scene Transition coming up.”
Samurai Quack and the pig found themselves in front of the pawnshop, panting and out of breath.
“Boy!” Samurai Quack exclaimed. “Those orcs were sure vicious!”
“You didn’t need to call them dimwitted idiots,” the pig said.
Samurai Quack looked at the pig, and blinked. “What happened to that suit you were wearing? I liked it.”
The pig looked at the outfit they were wearing, which was made out of leaves. “I was in the Changing Room when you started that fight, and I left my suit back there.”
“Well you sure look ugly,” said Samurai Quack. “Actually, you looked ugly before, but I liked the suit. I would have liked to have tried it. It would have shown off my muscles.”
“Yeah, and how flabby they are,” the pig said.
“Now, we must face a very dark and devious, as well as clever, foe,” said Samurai Quack.
“A demon?” the pig asked.
“No. The pawnshop owner.”
“Who is a demon, right?”
“Actually he’s just some poor guy trying to make a buck, but he’s a deadly foe just the same,” said Samurai Quack.
The pig glanced right at the Forth Wall. “At least Tara Strong never had to deal with someone with a Super-Ego.”
The two entered the place, where they saw the store owner talking to someone. The storekeeper was a big burly-type, who sounded like he was voiced by John DiMaggio.
“I have to agree with you,” he said, speaking in a Swedish accent. “I liked the show when it first came on, especially that Scottish fella, but the ending could have been better. I mean, the guy should have said ‘Good-Bye’ to the friends he made before he went back to his Home. That being said, I did have to cry a wee bit where the girl was concerned – I mean, I expected something, but, the whole fade away to nothing, just tragic.”
“Yeah,” said the customer. “Still, the ending had a hint of hope to it.”
“Something’s familiar with that guy,” said Samurai Quack.
The camera showed the scene from the store owner’s point of view – the customer was Lord -
“Don’t spoil it for me – I have business to attend to.” Samurai Quack walked up to the counter. “Excuse me!”
The store owner rolled his eyes. “You’re excused. Now, I’m busy with this person and-“
“Listen buster! Your damn bike blew up and-” Samurai Quack blinked. “Did I just say ‘Damn’?”
“Yes,” said the store owner. “By bumping up the rating, you allowed for the possibility of swearing to occasionally be heard.”
Samurai Quack looked up, and as that, in addition to the V under the TV 14, there was also an L – for Language.
The duck chuckled wickedly. “In that case, I know of a word that I’ve always wanted to say but I’ve never been allowed to say because of those damn stupid ratings!”
The pig gasped at this. “No! Please don’t!”
“I hope it isn’t that word!” the customer said, in a worried tone.
Samurai Quack took a deep breath, and said a word so loud, there was no sound to be heard. He blinked. “Hey! What gives? How come there was no sound when I said (silence)?”
“Because the rating isn’t high enough for that word to be heard,” the store owner said. “Besides, this piece of fanfiction is going up on a couple of sites that have their own rating systems – two uses of that word is an Automatic GC rating on the one site, and maybe even a Severe Mature rating on the other.”
“Now they tell me,” said Samurai Quack. “Anyways, the bike blew up, and I want my sword back.”
“So, how did the bike blow up?” asked the store owner.
“It was faulty,” said Samurai Quack. “Especially that red button thingy.”
The store owner narrowed his eyes. “Did you or did you not read the Owner’s Manual?”
“Um, that caught on fire.”
“That red button was most likely the Self-Destruct button!” the store owner yelled. “You don’t press it unless you’re going to destroy the bike! Why did you not read the manual?”
“Because guys don’t read manuals,” said Samurai Quack. “They’re too long, and boring, and switch from English to Chinese and then to Greek, and then Ancient Egyptian Hieroglyphs!”
The store owner looked at the Fourth Wall. “And to think, the guy he’s a parody of would have no problems with those last three at any rate.” He then looked back at Samurai Quack. “Did you by chance remember to bring the remains of said bike?”
Samurai Quack blinked. “Why would I have wanted to carry those pieces of junk here?”
“Because you could have traded them for Store Credit, as folks always want parts for their bikes,” said the store owner. “Besides, there’s already an offer for that sword – this well-valued customer has offered me a Dee-Dee android, fully functional, a complete set of PowerPuff Girls Security androids, fully operational, plus ten Googolplex in gold.”
Samurai Quack blinked. “But, you didn’t even offer me one Googolplex.”
The store owner narrowed his eyes. “I offered you five. You just wanted the bike, which wasn’t even worth one one-hundreth of a Googolplex. I even offered you the rest in Store Credit, but you didn’t want it.”
Samurai Quack glared at him. “Prove it.”
The store owner pressed a button, causing a TV screen to pop up, with footage of Samurai Quack grabbing onto the bike.
“I want the bike! It’s so cool! It has everything I want!”
“What do you have to offer for it?”
“I have this sword!”
“Wow! That’s a Tarakovskian Katana, made by the great Genndy Tarakovsky! Easily worth ten googolplex in gold! I’ll offer you five.”
“I’ll take the bike!”
“Would you like the rest in Store Credit, in case you wish to have something else in the future?”
“I just want the bike!”
“In that case, sign this.”
Samurai Quack watched himself sign the receipt for the trade, and watched himself give the sword to the shop keeper, and get on the bike, and drive right out the door. He looked at the store keeper. “Um, is the rest of the sword’s value up for negotiation?”
“No. We made a deal, you agreed to it, and that’s that.”
“In that case, I shall fight the one you sold the sword to!”
“That would be me!”
Samurai Quack turned to face the customer. “Bring it on! You don’t scare me!”
The customer turned, revealing an evil grin on their face, and revealing that they were Lord Achoo! “Samurai Quack! It is I, the Great and Powerful Lord Achoo and-”
“Hey! You don’t sound like Mako!” Samurai Quack exclaimed. “You’re more like that Baldwin guy.”
“Well, sadly, Mako died due to throat cancer, so they had to get Baldwin to voice me,” said Lord Achoo.
“Oh.” Samurai Quack took the ribbon out of his topknot as a sign of respect, and mourning. “He was a great voice-actor.” Then ten feet of hair fell to the floor. “Okay! I need to trim some of this stuff off!”
“Say, how do you want me to wrap up your sword?” the store owner asked.
“Could you put it in a lacquered wooded box with black ribbon?” Lord Achoo asked. “It’s supposed to be a gift for my son.”
“Ah daddy, that’s nice,” said Samurai Quack. “I knew you cared about me.”
“You’re not my son!” Lord Achoo yelled. “I was messing with you when I told you I was your father!” He then pointed at the pig. “I’m his father!”
“Geesh dad, that’s nice,” the pig said. “It will be the first gift you’ve ever given me.”
“And I have another gift for you!” Lord Achoo then zapped the pig with lightning. “There! What do you think son?”
The pig took a look. “Great. Another black outfit.”
“It’s so much more than that,” said Lord Achoo. “For I have given you an identical set of powers to mine!”
At this, the pig stretched his arms. “Wow! This is awesome! Do I have lightning powers?”
“Lightning, shape-shifting, laser eye beams, and a whole host of other evil powers.”
“Wait,” said Samurai Quack. “Back up a moment. Did you just say that the pig is your son?”
“Yes. It was from a fling with a woman who became a priestess for this cult that worshipped me, but I left her for being way too annoying.”
“But, the pig is supposed to be my love interest.”
“Yes. That is his role in this story.”
“But, I’m a guy! I mean, here’s a list of all of these women who threw themselves at me over the years, and seasons.” Samurai Quack pulled out a wallet, which had pictures of a lot of women, including but not limited to the Queen of Mars, crazy looking ducks, rabbits, coyotes, cats, various aliens, a few humans, and a blow-up doll, plus a dress store mannequin.
Lord Achoo looked at the store owner. “I feel sorry for all of them, especially those last two.”
“I wonder who was more desperate for love,” said the store owner. He looked at Samurai Quack. “Ever hear of being bisexual?”
“No! It can’t be!” Samurai Quack screamed. “There’s no possible way that I’m gay!”
Suddenly, lightning struck Samurai Quack. As he screamed in pain, he saw that it was the pig who was zapping him. “Et tu Pinky?”
The voltage increased, causing the samurai to scream.
Then, Duck Dodgers woke up, screaming. “I hate Tuesdays!” He blinked, and saw Space Cadet standing over him with some electric paddles. “Eh, what happened?”
“You had the fish, again.”
“Oh.” Duck dodgers looked around. “Um, what’s going on?”
“The Queen of Mars is getting married to the Martian Commander, and you’re the Best Man,” said Space Cadet.
Duck Dodgers looked at Space Cadet, and noticed he was wearing a black skin-tight suit. “Um, what’s with your getup?”
“The Bridesmaid didn’t make it so I had to fill in,” said Space Cadet.
“Eh, it’s very flattering,” said Duck Dodgers.
“I’m very sorry,” said the Queen of Mars. “Are you alright?”
“I’ll be just fine,” said Duck Dodgers. “I just need something to eat.”
“What happened?” asked Martian Commander.
“Let’s just say he has an allergic reaction whenever he eats certain types of fish,” said Space Cadet. “Nothing an electrical shock won’t cure.”
“Oh, and the Ambassador of Felinius has arrived,” said the Martian Queen. “Hello Sneezy!”
“That voice.” Duck Dodgers looked, and saw something that reminded him of his vision. It was a black cat-like thing.
“How’s my daughter’s old roommate from collage doing?” the Ambassador asked, in a voice that sounded like John DiMaggio with a Swedish accent.
Duck Dodgers shrugged. “Eh, crazy dream.”
“Tell me about your dream.”
Duck Dodgers turned, and found himself looking at the priest, who looked like a certain shop owner, and more importantly, sounded like he was voiced by a combination of Mako Iwamatsu and Greg Baldwin.
Duck Dodgers looked at the Forth Wall. “What’s next? A cherry tree in blossom or something?”
At this point, a giant cherry landed on the duck, causing him to groan in pain.