%%USERNAME%%    %%ACCWORDS%% %%ONOFF%% |
 |  Where am I going, and why am I in this handbasket? |
|
Fair Warning: I've upped the rating on this blog. It is now set at GC. |
| They claim it was a typographical error that no one caught. I prefer to think that it was a clever practical joke. I'm twisted that way. The story is this . . . those who want to hunt migratory waterfowl must purchase a $15 duck stamp each year. Revenue from the sale of duck stamps brings in nearly 22 million dollars in revenue each year and almost all of that is poured into the National Wildlife Refuge System. This year, the carrier card for the duck stamp has a typo. The phone number listed to reorder the duck stamp is incorrect. The number should read 1-800-782-6724 which translates to 1-800-STAMP24. Instead the number listed on the carrier card is 1-800-872-6724 or 1-800-TRAMP24. The Fish and Wildlife Service will not issue a reprint because it would be too costly. And besides that . . . it's funny! |
| "Pennsylvania’s health department is applying for $1.7 million in federal grants for abstinence-only sex education — even though it conflicts with the (current) administration’s philosophy." Please explain to me why the feds are throwing around $1.7 million dollar grants to keep us from having sex when half the people I know bitch about NOT getting laid, and the other half are relying on Viagra so they CAN have sex. I mean who is having all this sex I keep hearing about? And why should my tax dollars be spent trying to stop it? Is it possible that maybe, JUST MAYBE, that money could be better spent! It is proof that all political parties will find ways to squander your tax dollars in the name of promoting whatever ideology they subscribe to. It is the Achilles heel of political parties. But, it really doesn't matter what your personal beliefs are, the bottom line fact here is that "just say no" programs are ineffective. Abstinence programs do nothing to delay the age at which kids become sexually active, and they've failed to decrease the number of unwanted pregnancies or the number of new cases of sexually transmitted diseases. It doesn't work now. It won't work a million dollars later. The horse is dead. Stop beating the poor thing. Perhaps instead of an abstinence education program, they should start a do-it-yourself sexual gratification program. I think this might be a bit more effective. The first step would be to take down all these billboards. http://www.seducedbythedarkside.com/humor/images/20020308-godkills.jpg What teenage girl wouldn't prefer a little battery operated buddy over the ignorant, clumsy fumblings of that kid from homeroom. We don't need abstinence. We need standards! Wait, wait . . . let me go find my b.o.b. limerick.  There was once a fine fellow named b.o.b. With a long shaft and big bulbous knob But I broke down and cried When the batteries died Before he could finish the job. Remember guys: "If your not gonna sack it, go home and whack it." My work here is done. And I'd settle a mere 10% of that grant money as compensation for this entry. After all, this has been a public service announcement . . . |
| I think that if the Democratic party really wanted change, they’d switch out the tired old ass for a llama. Donkeys are so last election. But llamas? Llamas are hip. Llamas are now. Llamas are happening! Besides, llama rhymes with Obama, and not a lot of other stuff does. (Oh sure, there’s Osama, but that’s a very right-wing sort of thinking, and I myself am a moderate.) Why does it matter? Why should you care? Well you probably shouldn’t, but I’ve been writing limericks today, so I DO care.    Now the dems are backing Obama for the coming November drama. But will race play a hand, in who’ll lead this great land? I’ll skip all the jokes ‘bout yo momma. And the dems have an old white guy too. He was a senator long before you Go on take your swing, we’ll see what Biden brings, with the rolled sleeves and collar of blue. Off to the whiskey distillery, no one throws it back like Hillary. Next time she’ll see it through. Come back in two and two, just like clock work . . . or Chuck Woolery McCain’s in search of a running mate, while pundits sit back and speculate. To balance the ticket, should the old boy kick it, they’re checking the expiration dates. I had a lot of time to play with my limericks because my internet was inexplicably down for several hours this evening.  Of course they still suck because I was playing Yahtzee with the girl-child. I soooo got Yahtzee! |
| Holy Cow! Where the heck do I even start? The rumor mill was working overtime at the office today, I came in only to receive an urgent summons from Rebecca (the pregger lady of the 200 gifts), so I walked over to her office. Rebecca was in full gossip mode. Turns out that our subordinate-boffing, arch-nemesis, and all around uber-bitch has tendered her resignation. Woo hoo! I guess not even the Boss-man was sad to see her go. He was only annoyed that he heard about it from her prospective employer first – it really is a bitch when they call to check those references. In keeping with the theme of being late to the party, most of her supervisees learned that she was leaving when they saw her job posted on the lunchroom bulletin board. No grass growing in HR! In other news, we had a firing today. Now, our agency is both Civil Service and Union, so firings are a rarity. It has been joked that the only way to get fired is to have sex, with a client, in the waiting room, during a day of the week starting with a “T,” while the blue moon is waning. Since this firing involved a woman who has spent the last 17 years being a crappy worker, I figured she must have done something unspeakable. So far, all I can squeeze out of the gossips is that she wrecked an agency car. I’m going to have to assume she was drunk when it happened since people wreck agency cars all the time. Enough about work. Let’s talk about the Democrats. I’ve gotta say that I like Joe Biden. I think he was a good pick to balance out the enigma that is Obama. Joe Biden, at least, has a consistent personality. When he is not running for office he is an unapologetic asshole. When he is running for office, he is a garden variety asshole. So really, I like the constancy of Joe Biden. Besides, Joe Biden is from Scranton. He’s almost a local! Biden once tried to lay claim to the heritage of coal miners. He figured that coming from an Irish Catholic family in Scranton, the odds were in his favor. Unfortunately, the only relative that could be found to have any connection to mining was an engineer who had graduated from Lehigh University. But hey, it was worth a shot. |
| Life isn't going my way at the moment. I was settling in for a good long sulk. I composed a particularly whiney-assed blog and then fate intervened. Not once, but TWICE! Every time I attempted to post my computer suffered an application failure. As if I needed further proof that the world was against me! So I took a hard look at myself and realized that there are Chinese gymnasts with more maturity than I was showing. Nothing left to do but get over it! Tony is leaving early tomorrow morning and won't be back until late o'clock on the first. I'm pissed. Nothing new there, but it changes nothing. I need to spend less time being unhappy about what Tony is doing, and more time finding happiness in what I'm doing. Nothing less will do. |
| I went to a baby shower yesterday . . . hence the title. Now, I'm sure there are worse ways to spend a Saturday, but sitting outside, sweating in the brutal August sun for hours on end on a metal folding chair while watching a pregnant woman verrrrrry carefully unwrap 200 gifts that make every one give a collective, syrupy-sweet coo of "awwwww" is pretty high on the list of experiences to be avoided. Not only am I emotionally scarred by the experience, but I am physically damaged as well. I didn't know the shower was going to be held in the great outdoors, so I now have the dreaded sun burn. If it hadn't been for the steady supply of frozen margaritas, the day might have been a complete bust. There I was with a group of women comparing manicures and all I could do was hide my hands. Shit. I'd been out pulling weeds. It was almost too much to hope that I'd successfully scrubbed all the dirt out from under my nails. After the shower, I came home and slept for 12 hours. On the bright side, the Norwegians won gold in women's handball! |
| I am a huge fan of the Olympics, so allow me to put some positive spin on the games. Every four years, I am able to set aside my jaded exterior (although the Chinese happen to love the jade) and lose myself in the spirit of the games. Yes, we focus too much of medal counts. Yes, we’ve commercialized the Olympic games and the athletes, and exploit both the painful and poignant moments. Yes, most of the time I want to tell the commentators to just shut the hell up, but setting all of that aside, I love the games. I didn’t watch the opening ceremony, and to be honest, I only watched Michael Phelps swim one race. It was a qualifying heat and he placed second. I don’t watch enough TV to see more than a hodgepodge of events, but those events have been amazing! I’ve learned so many things! What have I learned? Glad you asked! Things I’ve learned by watching the Olympics: 1. The US is surprisingly pro-immigration when it comes to building Olympic dominance. The US Olympic team is a diverse collection of people from across the globe. Perhaps we should append the Statue of Liberty to read . . . “Give me your quick, your skilled Your muscled masses yearning to win gold . . .” 2. There is men’s field hockey!  Who knew? And they don’t wear skirts, just shorts. The US even has a men’s field hockey team. Apparently we just don't talk about them very much. Maybe if I'd watched the opening ceremony, this wouldn't have been such a surprise. 3. Hand ball has nothing to do with smacking a rubber ball against the wall with the flat of your hand. It is a wonderfully vicious sport - at least from what I saw - and I really hope the Norwegian women win the gold. Go Norway!!!! 4. They wear way too much clothing in Men’s beach volleyball. Come on guys! Take a cue from the women, less is more. 5. Commentators are always surprised by tall people who can move quickly, and/or gracefully. Their surprise causes them to blurt out incredibly stupid things. “Did you see that? He moves fast for a man his size.” It’s the freakin Olympics! Can we let go of the oaf stereotype? And speaking of stereotypes . . . where did the Chinese come up with a 6’3” woman blocker for the Beach Volleyball team? Oh that last one wasn’t very positive. Let me see what else I’ve got . . . 5. Sportsmanship, teamwork, and the passion and joy of competition are alive and well. The Olympics are like everything else in life. Take from it what you will. Ignore the petty crap that is fodder for the media, and you might just get swept up in the excitement of the third match point in a well played set. It that happens, enjoy it. It's a good thing.  |
| Get a piece of paper and a pen and number two columns from 1-18. Go on. Just humor me here, this is for science. If you are too lazy to find a piece of paper, then just go and open a blank word document. Okay? Are you still with me? Now label the columns male and female. Next, fill in the blanks with as many terms as you can think of for the genitalia of each sex (specifically, the penis and the vagina). Go ahead. I have my paper numbered and I’m making my lists too. Think of as many as you can up to 18. Two things became really obvious as I was making my lists. First, I ended up with a lot more blanks on the female side. Second, the female terms seem to be more derogatory, or else very euphemistic. Now, being the collector of words that I am, I’ve probably given this more thought than most of my readers. At least the female readers.  When I was in college I set about the task of collecting slang terms, and slang terms relating to sex and anatomy just happen to be among the most interesting. I mentioned that I worked nights in college, right? Well, there is nothing more fun than a word game at 5 AM. “Okay, now were going to think of different terms for having sex. First one who can’t come up with one loses!” Ah memories! But I digress. My point is that all that was back before the days of the internet. I figured that the internet must hold a data base of sortable database of sexual slang. Surely it must! Unfortunately, if it does, I haven’t been able to find it, and believe me! I’ve really been looking. What I did find was a fascinating article called "Snatch," "Hole," or "Honey-pot"? Semantic Categories and the Problem of Nonspecificity in Female Genital Slang published in Journal of Sex Research, May, 2001 by Virginia Braun, Celia Kitzinger. (Kay goes back to her list to fill in some blanks in the female column.) http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m2372/is_2_38/ai_79439405 The article talks about female genital slang (FGTs) and male genital slang (MGTs). In a study, researchers asked young British students at university to do what you just did (assuming you played along) . . . eighteen spaces . . . male and female columns . . . how many can you name? Then the researchers used statistical analysis (they ANOVA-ed and T-Test-ed the crap out of the resulting FGTs and MGTs) to arrive at semantic categories for the terms. The results were that both men and women came up with more MGTs than FGTs, and men came up with more of both than women did. FGTs were coded into the following 17 semantic categories: standard slang, euphemism, space, receptacle, abjection , hair, animal, money, personification, gender identity, edibility, danger, nonsense, sex and pleasure, plants, fantasy creatures, and urination. (Damn! I missed the fantasy creatures all together on my list!) MGTs were coded into those same 17 categories, but they also needed 9 additional categories: musical instruments, vehicle, leisure or sporting equipment, size, nongenital body parts, tools, precious things, physical shape, and erection The study is well worth reading because of wonderful passages like this: “Reference to an animal (or an animal part) was common in both FGTs and MGTs, although respondents provided more animal terms for FGTs than MGTs, t(280) = -3.821, p [is less than] .001 (see Table 5). There was, however, a contrast between the types of animals referred to. FGTs most frequently referred to small furry animals (e.g., pant hamster, rat, cat), although larger hairy animals (e.g., beaver, badger, horse), and aquatic animals (e.g., kipper, prawn, fish) were also commonly mentioned. In contrast, the animals most frequently referred to in MGTs were snakes (e.g., black mamba, trouser snake, python), although some birds (e.g., cock), hairy animals (e.g., monkey, donkey wood), and elongated (leg-less) animals or animal parts (e.g., maggot, tail, chicken neck) were also listed. Weatherall and Walton (1999) noted a similar contrast in sexual slang--female terms were domestic animals; male terms were wild beasts.” When did we start domesticating badgers? Predictably, they found there was more personification with MGTs (Johnson, Peter etc), but no money references. The money references were strictly an FGT thing. My lists? Hmmm . . . consistent with the study, most of the FGTs I came up with were either euphemisms or standard slang although I did list “pocketbook” and that is considered a money reference. The MGTs hit a lot more of the categories. Still I missed the fantasy creatures all together! I mean really? How could I forget about “hairy Cyclops” and “the Purple headed monster!” |
| Today, in the shower, I noticed that my shampoo had a trivia question printed on the bottle. Don't ask me why I was reading the bottle. Just go with me on this one. The question? "What do almost half of all women admit to doing to their significant others?" A couple of things sprung to mind immediately. For the answer, I picked up the bottle of conditioner. "Throwing a shoe at him." I've never thrown a shoe at Tony. Ever. I don't think I've ever thrown anything at him in anger. Maybe that's what I've been doing wrong! |
I was going to take a pass on this survey which seems to have surfaced in Elisa the Bunny Stik  's blog, but each time I came across it in a blog, I refined my own position on the questions. I normally avoid surveys, but what the hell. 1. Do you have the guts to answer these questions and repost as The Controversial Survey? It would seem. 2. Would you do meth if it was legalized? Hell no! I'm still trying to come down off the steroid induced mania that has me answering controversial surveys at 1:30 AM. 3. Abortion: for or against? Abortion is nothing new. I'd like to believe that the ready availability of effective birth control can significantly reduce the incidence of abortion, but since birth control is not ALWAYS available or effective, I support safe, legal abortion. Pregnant women are a vulnerable group, emotionally, economically, and physically. Statistically, pregnant women are more likely to be physically abused by their partners as well. Given that the burden is carried so heavily by the woman, I'm a long time supporter of reproductive rights. 4. Would our country fall with a woman president? No. For one thing, I believe in the balance of power built into our government. The system is designed to contain the damage of poor leaders whatever their gender may be. GW has thoroughly tested the balance of power and still we limp along. 5. Do you believe in the death penalty? Yes. I know for a fact that it exists in many states and nations. Do I think it should? Yes. I know that it is not effective as a deterrent. I know that it costs as much, if not more, than lifetime incarceration, but on an emotional level, my answer is yes. I felt that there was justice in the execution of Timothy McVeigh. 6. Do you wish marijuana would be legalized already? Do I wish it? No, I wish for a winning lottery ticket. 7. Are you for or against premarital sex? Whatever floats your boat. In my case, I was very much in favor. 8. Do you believe in God? I believe in God the way I believe in Justice . . . as a concept . . . an archetype . Now, ask me whether I think justice really exists. 9. Do you think same sex marriage should be legalized? Absolutely. 10. Do you think it's wrong that so many Hispanics are moving to the USA? No. 11. A twelve-year-old girl has a baby...should she keep it? Keep it? I'm not sure what that means. Should she be allowed to have legal guardianship and responsibility for the child? No. There isn't a 12 year old alive who has the maturity to handle that. Each situation would be different and would have to be negotiated in a way that protected BOTH of the children involved. 12. Should the alcohol age be lowered to eighteen? I think 21 is an arbitrary age, and most teens who develop drinking problems get started around 13 or 14 years of age, so I don't believe the law accomplishes much. 13. Should the war in Iraq be called off? Baseball games get called off. Billion dollar, military incursions that topple governments require a bit more in the way of resolution. 14. Assisted suicide is illegal...do you agree? Yup, it's illegal. I think this is a very slippery slope. I read about a European nation - I can't recall which - that was debating the legalization of assisted suicide for chronic sufferers of mental illness. This is why ethicists have jobs, and I am not an ethicist. 15. Do you believe in spanking your children? My children? No. Due to my superior methods of positive discipline spanking was unnecessary in my household, but I frequently see other children that I think should be spanked just on principal. Truth is, my daughter went through a biting phase when she was around 2 years old. Since she was a very articulate two year old, we worked hard at teaching her to express herself with words instead of biting. Then one day, I was running late and was very frustrated with my daughter. I gave her a sound swat. The child didn't cry. She looked up at me with disappointment in her eyes and said "When you spank me, it hurts, and I feel very sad." It was a profound parenting moment. 16. Would you burn an American flag for a million dollars? Yes. 17. A mother is declared innocent after murdering her five children in a temporary insanity case. First, there isn't a question here. Second, under US law, no one has ever been found innocent for reason of insanity. You must plead guilty before you can enter an insanity plea. 18. It's between you and a person who is being kept alive by life support, which one dies? I think I could probably take out the dude in the coma if I had to. 19. Are you afraid others will judge you from reading some of your answers? Oh sure, but I'm a little bit afraid of everything which is almost the same as being afraid on nothing. |
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
