Just a place for me to openly express my feelings about being bipolar manic depressive.
|This is just a place for me to vent my frustrations. I am a 34 year old mom of three (16, 11, 8) and I suffer from bipolar manic depression. I currently attend Appalachian State University as a Graphic Design major. Feel free to comment as this is going to be my secret hiding place to let the emotions roll.|
|Today has been a difficult day for me and it is only noon. I have been up since 1:30 a.m. and I am guessing that I am in manic mode again. My house is spotless... you could eat out of my toilets. I have tried reading a book, but I cannot sit still long enough to get engrossed. I have a book that I am supposed to have read by Tuesday (a week from today). It is a great book, "Three Cups of Tea" but it seems when I have time to read I cannot sit still and when I don't have time, I can focus. Such is my life.
I guess I have too much idle time on my hands today, because all I can think about is my being molested when I was a little girl. All that keeps echoing in my head is "Kiss it here on the end it will make it stop hurting". God only knows what has given me the strength over the years to keep from murdering that man. I often wonder if my illness is just a born illness or if it the side effects of years of melestation by two different uncles. I have given up trying to figure out why but my mother decided not to prosecute the bastards when she found out about it. Even when I have been hospitalized due to my illness and the memories of the abuse she refuses to visit. She has not been a mother to me since she was told, which to me means that she chose her brothers over me. My therapist asked if they were abused as children, and to my knowledge they weren't, but why else would they all stick together like that?
HORRIBLE DAY AND MEMORIES PLEASE COME TO AN END !!
|As you can tell, I was very annoyed when I entered my last entry. Things are looking up now. My husband must have realized that I was not making things up and that there was nothing wrong with me. He really made a play on my emotions though - he went and bought flowers and told the 8 year old to give them to me and thank me for being the best mom in the world. Of course, this made me get emotional, but sometimes I feel like I beat my head against the wall. I am certain that, that will not be the last time that he sides with the kids and threatens me, but I am getting stronger everyday and am learning how to fight back. He says I do not always realize when I am emotionally unstable, but I think that I realize a whole lot more than he gives me credit for.
|Last night, well actually all day yesterday was pure hell for me. I had been up every thirty minutes until 5 am having nightmares, and then I slept fairly well until 8. The day started off badly because I was so tired. By noon my 16 year old son was complaining that his cell phone needed a new battery, that would have been fine except two monthes ago he begged with me to let him trade phones with his uncle. I told him if he did this it would no longer be covered by the warranty he kept begging so I relented. Come to find out his phone had water damage and he ends up mad at me that I will not replace it. I had told him if anything happened after the exchange I would not replace it.
Then my 8 year old stepson decides that he is not going to listen to a word that I have to say all day. I asked him to clean his room he pitched a hissy fit. Oh, I left out the part that I was back up with him at 6:30 because he had wet the bed. Everything I said to him all day I got nasty attitude in return. His father came home and I tried to talk to him about it but he swore that I was overreacting which made me even more upset. By the time I got my stepson in the bed at 8:30 my mood and nervers were shot all to hell. I tried to have a reasonable conversation with my husband about the situation and he got angry and started yelling at me. He continued to tell me that my illness was the cause of all of our problems and that I need to be in the hospital. This infuriates me, because everytime something goes wrong he rants that he is going to have me put in the hospital.
Maybe, I do get more aggrevated than the average person, but I feel that I am to the point of a psychotic break. If only he understood that if he took more resonsibility with the kids and the house things would be a lot easier on everyone. I guess we will see how the rest of today goes.