A chance at rediscovery and enlightenment. I want to be a pink bubble.
Join my movement towards a more positive existence! Become a PinkBubble too I will (eventually) be using my blog to include daily/weekly exercises to assist me in reaching my goal of becoming 'Pink'.If you would like to join me, please let me know and I will add your name to my blog list and make sure I read your blog often. I hope you will read mine too. This way we can support each others progress and help each other in creating new ways of thinking....PINK!|
It is all about love and light!
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Positive Inspirational Nourishing Kind
As The new year looms, I am creating a new neurological path . Studies show that
A positive mind anticipates happiness, joy, health and a successful outcome of every situation and action. Whatever the mind expects, it finds.
Habitual negative thoughts have established neurological pathways in the brain like pathways through a forest. The more frequently these pathways are used, the clearer and easier they are to use. Pathways less frequently used, become overgrown and are less easy to travel. ~Dr. Sylvia Mills Ph.D.
I am going to create new pathways in my brain, filled with positive feelings, thoughts, and emotions. I am going to learn new ways of thinking and of living. I may stumble at times and fall into the familiar pattern of negative thinking, but I will not stay on that dark and hopeless road for long. I will familiarize myself with the new path I am going to create, the one that is filled with joy and happiness . I have traveled down the same negative roads for so long, it is time for a change of scenery.
I will become a Positive person. This does not mean that I will not face obstacles, it means I will deal with those obstacles in a positive and productive manner.
“Adopting the right attitude can convert a negative stress into a positive one” ~Hans Selye
I shall seek out those that are inspirational to me. I shall seek out the company of positive thinkers, those who are lovers not fighters. I will surround myself with love and light and perhaps their vibrations will inspire me to be more like them. I want to shine bright in both word and action. I want to eventually be an Inspiration for another.
“To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children...to leave the world a better place...to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded.” ~Author Unknown
I want to Nourish the Earth and it's inhabitants. I will learn the many ways to feed the human soul, including my own. I will educate myself and others on how to protect our planet and resources. I will not only make a change, I will be one.
“Love is the immortal flow of energy that nourishes, extends and preserves. Its eternal goal is life.” ~ Smiley Blanton
Such a simple concept and such a hard one for some to grasp. I will be working on reminding myself that Love and Kindness can heal almost any situation. I will forgive myself for my past and learn new ways of looking at others, especially at those who seem hopeless. I will do more random acts of Kindness. I will try to make a difference, however small, in one life everyday.
“Spread love everywhere you go: First of all in your own house... let no one ever come to you without leaving better and happier. Be the living expression of God's kindness; kindness in your face, kindness in your eyes, kindness in your smile, kindness.” ~ Mother Teresa
Follow me on my quest to be a better person. Help me if you see me falter. Read as I make the change into an enlightened person. Watch me rediscover myself.
|So on ~A.J. Lyle~ 's profile...there is a quote image.....so fitting for me right now. It was like a big, fat kick in my arse.
"Many of Life's Failures are People who did not Realize how close they were to Success when they gave up" Albert Einstein
I have been so close to wondering When did this happen? When is it going to change? Why did it happen? Why me? How could it? It has been so time consuming and tiring with all the questions and trying to force answers that may never come.
s*** happens! Life is not fair! but you have to suck it up, move on!
I have lost a lot of my fight. But my fight to get my fight back is returning. I can feel it. I have had it easier than some, worse than others, but I consider myself lucky. I still have love in my heart. I still have this little light of hope . I have had some support, some from people I did not even expect to be around.
So.......I have been humbled. I think that is always a good thing. You may not agree, especially if you have never been in my shoes or think you have. I realize I have thrown a pity party or two...but who hasn't. I want to thank those that came to my party and offered some friendship and hope, handed our party favors and maybe even shared a story or two of a time they had to pity themselves, yet they made it through.
My troubles are seeming smaller now. I journal to keep track of myself...so when I am down, I have to face my own words, my self....and own what I have said. Who reads this? Maybe only me and that is perfectly fine. One of my problems is I care to much about whether each and every person likes me. If they don't like me, it bugs the heck out of me. I allow people to actually define me....and that is scary. I wont allow it anymore. My mother and father defined me, I found others when they were gone.....it is an ugly cycle. Do not allow anyone to tell YOU who YOU are.
So...the quote....Thank you AJ:P for having something I wanted to review and could not find....therefor I had to go to your profile and find that awesome quote.
It was like the universe telling me something. To Hold On! (hopefully, it is not a major wait...as I am quite an impatient person...but then again, that may be the lesson?)
There is ALWAYS a reason
|Waxes and wanes, like the moon, only the phases are quicker.
My emotional state is frightening turning from day to night in a day, mind churning, depending on what my mind is being fed.
There is just too much going on in this world, not only to me, but to other and the pain is hard to see.
Why am I so fragile? It is literally going to kill me.
A child is helpless. She turns to others who brush what she says under the carpet and then a year later asks her to repeat. I lied, she states. The monster has gotten her to believe he is her friend. He will go to jail. He is allowed to play mind games with her. We have to sit and watch.
A man is a drinker and quite now a selfish thinker. He holds his family hostage with his disease, but now they are too sick to see....what he is doing is playing a game. He wants what he wants, no matter the cost. His son, his daughter, his very own soul....he will sell for a drink of Brandy if that is what his heart wants. When he IS sober, which is far and few between, he works to make sure all soldiers are in line for the next time....without even noticing it...perhaps?
A woman cries out. She has hit a rock bottom so low she can't see light. No one can hear her. Don't worry, she will be all right.....
I am too tired to write more.....
adn this is not pink, now is it....
Death is not the biggest fear we have; our biggest fear is taking the risk to be alive -- the risk to be alive and express what we really are.
Don Miguel Ruiz
This is a Dear Me letter I wrote in 2010. It was a year after my then 15 year old tried, almost successfully, to commit suicide over a boyfriend. About 8 months later, I would try to end my own life. She and my oldest were in California and I was in Illinois and I will never be able to forgive what I almost did to them. Now, I am having some of the same issues, repeating the same patterns and it scares me. I came upon this and felt I needed to post it and dissect it, look at myself again. Where have I succeeded and where have I managed to lose my way again. I have since been diagnosed with PTSD (childhood..yes, there is a thing, but I do not care if you are reading this and do not believe it, I am just happy to know what it is and how to start dealing with it.) While I have been in counseling, I found myself not going when I was too disturbed. She actually wants to put that in her memoirs...*shakes head* I guess there is still a part that does not want people to see that side of me. How the heck is she to help me if she does not know the full story. It was my doctor who diagnosed me. He sort of trapped me in his office for three hours and opened a Pandora's box...but I digress. I have many other issues like I am obsessive compulsive at times, but it is not a technical disorder because it has not gone there. I have panic attacks....but I am not crazy. Is that a good thing? Yes....
This past year has been a most difficult one. You faced many heart-breaking moments and walked through countless days feeling dazed, confused, and anxiety-ridden. I hope you learned something from your experiences. You are now faced with a New Year, new opportunities, and new beginnings. What are you going to do with the upcoming year? May I offer you some insight?
I wonder who you are. Do you even know?
I think you lost yourself somewhere in the midst of living a life where you focused more on others than yourself. I commend you for your care and concern, but let's be frank, you cannot save another if you cannot save yourself. You must be honest with yourself. Look in the mirror and figure out who it is that looks back at you. Is she only a mother, only a wife? Does the person looking back at you, through that reflective glass, wear a genuine smile or does she wear a mask? Forgive me for being blunt, but I think she pretends to be happy and content when what she really wants to do is break down and cry. What can you do to help that person? She needs you.
I really fell back into the habit, after making some great progress, of trying to save another. I focused on a man that reminded me of my father who committed suicide in 2000. He was an alcoholic. He was not to be saved. Again, I lost my identity to a slew of people...it did not start as a way of distracting from myself, but as I helped him and did not save him or did not receive recognition or even love, I began to regress into old habits of trying to save even more people and not pay attention to the fact that I was and am literally falling apart again
You found a wonderful site last year to help you through some of life's most difficult trials. You found your release in writing. You found some very special people who you now call friends. I challenge you to use this site to your benefit. In doing so, you will eventually benefit others. Learn the idiosyncrasies of writing and hone your craft. I challenge you to take classes on punctuation and presentation. Edit that book you have been toying with. Read the stories of strength and hope that other authors have written and learn from them. Keep up with that blog you started. I believe your blog is the key to rediscovering who you are and shaping yourself into the person you long to be. Bear your soul and fear not what another will say or think. Be honest with yourself and hide nothing. Do not lose yourself to the masquerade of pretending to be someone others will like. Be yourself, they will either love you or hate you for who you truly are. Ask yourself, "Does what another person 'thinks', define me?"
On an even more personal note, I hope you address some issues you have been sweeping under the rug. Stop hiding from your problems and face them head-on. You know your physical and mental health have been an issue for quite some time. This year, I beg of you, take action to change those things about yourself that hold you back from living a fulfilling life.
While I did move back to California, I first found the wrong MD. He did more damage than good. I have only recently changed my MD and he has been rated the best. I have had surgery and that is going well. I found a therapist, but it only works if you go in and face your demons. I see her often and actually just got off the phone with her. WE still have a lot of work to do. For those with PTSD or with anxiety, EMDR (it is a blue light therapy thingy) works wonders).
My biggest mistake was my writing and my lack of coming back to WDC. It was a haven. It was something I enjoyed. I was becoming a better writer. It was something, especially this blog, that was healing....not to mention my friends, even if they are only online
You do not like how you look anymore. Gaining weight was just another misguided way of protecting yourself. You are safe now. Set a goal of losing 50 pounds and do it! Seek professional help with your long-standing mental issues. Address those hurts of the past and move forward. Do not give up; this is not an easy fix. Go to the doctor and scream until they listen! You know what is wrong.
Do you wish to walk through life with a dulled psyche and half a heart? It feels like little by little, more of you is slowly dying. You have closed yourself up; wrapped yourself up in protective layers so the pain cannot touch you, cannot cut too deeply. In building that cocoon you have protected yourself but you do not feel alive. Live! Break free from that cocoon and emerge as that beautiful butterfly I know you can be, both inside and out. Save yourself, because no one else is going to do it!
I lost more than 80 something pounds. I looked good but found that was not the issue. I never felt good enough, no mater my weight. The issues lay deeper that the surface. I did finally find a DR and by the time I went to him, I had been misdiagnosed with Lupus and pretty much just given up. He sat and took the timeto listen. If you can not find the help you need from one DR, go to another. Keep looking. You deserve to be heard!
In regards to your youngest child, you must let her live without questioning her will to do so. I realize that she did something last year that made you fear for her, but you can not live in fear. Being afraid of what might happen in the future keeps you from living in the moment and keeps you from appreciating your daughter for who she is now, today. When she tells you that life is not worth living, show her, not tell her, that it is. It is worth living to its fullest. The pain, the sweet sorrow, is worth it. It means your heart is open and ready to receive the love and joy that will eventually come with time. You can not control her. You can not put her in a protective bubble, as much as you wish to keep her safe. Katelyn has the power to change her own destiny. You will not always be there to catch her when she falls or fails. You do not hold any special powers to 'make it all okay'. There is no band-aide and magical kisses to wish her pain away. Have faith that she will learn to live and fix herself.
Katelyn has grown into a beautiful caring woman. Both my children amaze me. My oldest has finished her teaching degree and has been accepted into the JET program. It is where they pay you to fly overseas to Japan for a year and teach children the class in English. She may not be able to go because of her child's father...but she knows this is a temporary thing. I was scared for a while about how she would take this all. She was an elite few to be chosen. This is a rare opportunity indeed...but not something she can not do in the near future, in a different way perhaps. She is still fighting for it, but that is god. You do not give up until there is no other option, than you bow down gracefully. My youngest is in college, has a job. She still doesn't have the optimal life but she is doing good and better every day. I try and remind myself, I had a lot to do with who they are as women..whether they learned from the bad and/or good times...they learned something of value and they love me and I love them and that is the most important thing
You have so much work to do; I hope you are up for it. I believe you are ready.
As you go about rediscovering yourself and redefining who you are, do not think that you can not hold on to the roles that are most dear to you. Being a mother and wife are important parts of who you are, but do not let those roles limit you. You can be those people and more. You can be the artist, the dancer, the humanitarian. You can realize those old forgotten dreams and create new ones. You can hold on to the people who are dear to you while you also live your life for yourself. It may be hard to not feel selfish in doing things for yourself, but remember, you are a role model for your daughters. Don't you wish them to be everything they dream to be? Lead them by example.
In closing, do not forget to appreciate all the gifts life has given you; you have terrific people in your life and a home filled with love. Give thanks daily and pay it forward. You get so much back in giving a little happiness to another. Live, love, and laugh much this year. May you grow by leaps and bounds.
All my love,
This is the part that frustrated me so much looking over the letter last night. I SEEM to be back to square one. If I a truthful with myself I am not. I am revisiting some familiar behaviors but I have changed. I am actually in a little scarier place. I could have run back to a safe place without thinking, like back to a relationship with a man that was not working because that is an old habit that I have as well....we would play house and ultimately, because if I am honest, I am not whole yet to give MY heart to someone fully and it has just been broken, it would not work. I could have made many of the old choices. I could have made worse choices that may have been easier in the past. I am sure I am not "fixed, but I am fixable. I want to thank a good person here, especially, for sharing a little of himself with m. It allowed me to see in in what you think are the most dire or humiliating circumstances, can be a pathway to a better life. I am merely being humbled, not humiliated. I can only be humiliated, put-down, judged, or whatever if I allow myself to be. I chose to surround myself with light. I choose P.I.N.K..
This was a long blog entry. I do not expect anyone to read it al the way through. it is more for me....but if you do, great. I want to start blogging with the purpose the blog was made....and I shall...soon
|This was yesterdays entry and I will just add on today's as I am dead tired....
I don't have my blog, so I shall just blog here:) I can still turn a awww! into a ahhh!
Today was a mixed bag.
I am writing this in hopes that it is recorded because it seems it may be for upgraded not basic members, so even if no one else can read it, I am hoping I can. I bought basic upgrades, silly me. But at least I have my items:)
My car passed smog and then took another poop. Good and bad news. Passed:) Pooped:(
Good news is now I just have to get it registered and I can with the smog certificate. All states that do not have this, consider yourselves so lucky!
I took my car back to the shop that fixed it the first time and he assured me they could fix it. I am praying and hoping it is nothing big. Just something that was not fixed correctly, as it is the same thing...misfires.
I turned in my temp disability papers. We shall see how that works out. I applied online for three jobs. They all start when school starts which allows me to heal from surgery.
My ex has apologized. I know it was a hard thing for him to do....he has a sick father (alcoholism is a disease) and he has to chose or did chose him over me. I am no longer bitter. A little sad, but in time...things will be fine. It is the holding on and taking day by day that is tiring...but many have had it worse and I can do this and stop being a baby.
I have friends, family, people who care for me. I noticed that when I see people, especially older people, they are attracted to me. They start conversations with me, sit by me....I seem to comfort them and they seem to smile more and talk a lot more...even if they came in with a grouchy face. I have noticed this more lately. They comfort me too.....
I think if one is positive and your energy is positive...you can attract the same and you can also change the atmosphere as well. It is part of the PINK bubbles thing. Hard to explain...very scientific....and I am no scientist:P Anyways...I am going to try and SMILE more :D It certainly does not hurt. It takes more muscles to frown.
I have made a habit of being negative....habits are hard to break, like smoking....but it can be done. :D:D Surround yourself with love and light and you can do anything.
while, I know this entry was not ALL positive, life is not either. It is how we deal with it. I put down the bad and good. It is how you react to the bad things that matter, not the bad things themselves. I am working on that too....how I react. Wish me luck!
My car needed all new spark plugs. The mechanic gave me the best deal he could and my daughter lent me the money, although I know it was tough for her. I now have a registered, smogged, running car!
I picked up my scripts and got a twenty five dollar gift card for the store. Helps with some extras I might need.
I am just putting the positive notes. I am handling things a little differently today. I am tired....I am healing both body, soul, and mind. I am glad.
I came on to find my friend had helped me get my blog back.
There have been a lot of people who have helped, whether it be a kind word, money (that was hard asking...and I know who I have to pay it back or no worries, I pay forward...I rather enjoy that actually...but this may be a lesson?), a smile, a card....whatever...just I am finding humanity is all over. I am noticing much more beauty in myself and finding I need less of what I thought I needed, things and more of what is already out there free for the taking...love.
"This moment is exactly as it should be. Whatever relationships you have attracted in your life at this moment is precisely the ones you need in your life at this moment. There is a hidden meaning behind all events, and this hidden meaning is serving your own evolution."
Funny, A few weeks ago, I felt this surgery I was going to have was going to be a chance to regroup, to change my mind-frame, reevaluate, perhaps suffer some, but all-in-all be a good experience for me.I used this quote to support what I wrote. I look back on the entry and think...."wow!" How wrong you were on what would really be what would be happening but the quote stands true today.
I Do not need that man that did these really rather rotten things to me. I did not deserve them, but instead of holding the bitterness in any longer, I must let go. When you hold anger and bitterness in, the person who inflicted the pain does not suffer, only you do. They go on, perhaps not even knowing how you feel inside and if they do, they may not care. So, I ask myself, why hold onto it? This man needs more love and help than I could ever need and in the long run, he will truly be the loser, not because he lost me...I am not that vain, but because he does not know how to feel real compassion and is mixed up codependency and has anger in his heart that is being directed at those that try to reach out to heal him of his affliction. I was and am not strong enough of a person to be that one who helps...perhaps there will be someone, perhaps not. Not my problem. That is hard for me to do. walk away from someone I love, even when they have treated me poorly and leave them hurting, even when they have hurt me so badly. My daughter does not understand it. Perhaps it has to do with my past and as a child never having anyone who took care of me...but, I must try and make myself whoe before I can help anyone else and even then onl help those that can accept help.
I have had to become virtually homeless...I guess I am not really that, just I do not have my own home. I am sleeping on a couch(actually I got a blowup bed loaned to me) in my daughter's living room. Not optimal by far. But I am not out on the street like so many unfortunate people I see. While I am still not healed and am without money, I had a couple of very generous people help me out. That both humbled me and made me realize there is such humanity in this world.I MUST start by looking at the positive or I will die, spiritually and at one time I thought physically. This is not fair to those I love
So..yesterday and the day before was a good day:
1. I got my car fixed...took more money than I thought but a terrific mechanic who may turn out to be a very good friend in the future fixed the added problem of squirrels eating through my speedometer 'thingy':P I can kind of laugh at it now. The car is running good. Not the prettiest car, who needs a pretty car. I NEED one that can take me to a job interview when released to work.
2. was able to smog my car. It did not pass, but I can go get it rechecked for free. I think it will pass as all it was needing was for the light to be turned off for a specific amount of time. emissions were fine.
3. I have insurance on the car, which means if I get pulled over for no registration, I can show them my insurance (something you must have here in California or get towed). my car work papers, my smog...and hopefully (until I can come up with the money) they will allow me to keep driving. I figure, worse scenario is a fix-it ticket *crosses fingers*
4. I have applied for food stamps and got emergency aid. hate that but I will be fed. Doesn't help with the certain fiber aides that I need, but I will ask a pharmacist and my DR (had a bad incident not clarifying with him before hand what is an acceptable substitute) what I can do about that. I also, after waiting for my DR. to go online for my temp Disability have been told he is not going to ever do it online and to just fill out the paper forms. It may take longer and the money will probably not be wonderful...but anything helps, right?
What I am realizing is that, sometimes, pain sometimes comes in many different forms and even the strongest have their limits. One should never judge another for what they feel another person's pain threshold should be. I have been guilty of that myself. I have said "Oh that is not THAT bad!" Who am I? Lesson learned.
I have a feeling I will be learning a lot in this little session of my life and if I pat attention it can only make me more capable of handling not my own issues but helping others with theirs...again, only those that ask for my help....or will accept it. Not everyone has the ability to ask. I know how hard it was for me.
Peace and Love
|I went in yesterday to get my car fixed. It was not as bad as I thought. I had to borrow some money from my daughter and had some given by friends and it looked good. I went to take it to get smogged and it did not pass. seems the engine light has to be turned off for a while. When I started driving it, the engine light came back on. I drive it back to the wonderful garage man who told me rats or squirrels chewed through one of my 'thingies'..ate all the wires. He is going to try and fuse them together for a very wonderful price. I am trying so hard not to be bitter....
It was my ex's alcoholic dad who put my car in the field because I was not driving it. I asked him not to. there was enough dirt for it to be on. It was only moved out of the field once the goats started crawling all over it. Of course, my ex does not think this is his fault, and all the cars wires would be eaten in all the cars. No, they are parked on dirt on the other side of the field...not where the squirrels are. he bought a registered gun to kill these animals because they STARTED to go into the goat feed. I am just so angry that I start to progress and am stopped short because of what seemingly seems to be connected to his dad, who I tried for years to help. my daughter is right, it does me no good to be bitter.
It is hard and I try...I am forty six, going in for my follow up surgery that doesnt seem to be healing as well as it should. I am kept up at night by my daughter and son-in-law whos bedtime is 1-2 (and one works at 7) and they are sooo loud. I woke up literally screaming in pain because of the air bed I borrowed is not good for my arthritis.
I interviewed for the job...good thing:) Bad thing: commission only,. Got the job if I want it....you will not start making money right away.
Good thing: car can and hopefully will be fixed. Bad thing: I am borrowing money and begging for money on the web.
Good thing: I have a place to sleep other than my car. bad thing: it isnt good enough for me.
I am a selfish person......
Please pray, chant, dance, send vibes that I can let go of the bitterness and self-loathing that is taking hold. It is killing me more than my circumstances.
“Without hope, there is no despair. There is only meaningless suffering.” –D. Morgenstern
Some of you have came to me and told me you could not help and that is sooooo fine. I am not asking anyone to put themselves in a similar or uncomfortable situation, but I received a C-Note from one and that made me feel loved and I thank you. It helps. Do not think that anything would be too little.
I post in my blog for a variety of reasons which is horrid because this is the same blog that could have kept me sane when dealing with the alcoholic I was dealing with and other situations where I just needed to 'get it out'.
I am starting today, today. I am going to call a car place that was recommended (not the guy who looked at the car in the first place. I am not sure if they can give me a good estimate without seeing the car, but I have codes. So step one:) I do not have enough for repairs, but perhaps that will somehow come next.I am trying to stay positive.
I have been asked if there are buses in my town. Yes and No. The buses cost money and the routes are set. I am not in a huge city where we can go from doorstep to doorstep and I would have to learn to use them. I am not against that, believe me. I am still in recovery for the surgery I had less than three weeks ago. I can not get public assistance, unemployment, anything. I was with a man for almost three years and while I worked off and on, the last job I 'pointed' out of. Half because I was ill and half because he wanted me to quit and I believed him when he said he was going to marry me. How pathetic. I am dealing with my first broken heart at my age......But just so you know, I am looking for options, not JUST a handy handout. I am capable of working as soon as I get released from my surgery hold...this Thursday (I hope and am sure). I did not know of this site I am posting about until my daughter told me about a girl she knew who bought lots of stuff, including a laptop using the site. I thought I would check it out. It sat there for days, untouched. I still feel weird about it. The site is in the footnote. If you do use it, please do not ask for things you can well afford if you save up. I am asking for help to help myself and that is embarrassing enough. Next time I use the site, it will be to donate, not to beg:(
Anyways...depression still looms. My doctor does not think I need meds. He thinks it is situational and the problem has been that since my father committed suicide, all the doctors did was medicate. I need to go through this process, learn from it, and grow even stronger. I am one class away from graduating from College. I actually have enough units to transfer. There is a life I want to live and I am fighting for it. I am not going to allow a man to take that away from me. Please, don't you ever allow anyone to think you are less than your value. Your value is not for another to determine. I am always here if you need help. I have been through a whole hell of a lot and if I can help you, I will. If I can't, I will find someone who can. The best advice I can give is to love yourself first. Sounds selfish, huh? Take care of you.If you do not love yourself,or just pretend to, no one else will be able to do it either and you will never be fully able to give the love you can have to another...and another...and another....
and hope blossoms....
“Suicide is not chosen; it happens
when pain exceeds
resources for coping with pain.”
Read more: http://www.drugs-forum.com/forum/showthread.php?t=198994#ixzz32scOo8Fz
This woman is amazing. You will see what she does and know that she has, for no know reason to me, saved countless lives.
I also want to add a page about alcoholics. Unfortunately, that page with the info is on my ex's laptop. I will provide it in another blog as soon as I can find it. Please do not try and change, save, or believe that a true alcoholic will ever change their spots. They become shells of who they once were. I lived with one, who destroyed his entire family and I was an easy target because he had no love for me. I am a broken bird as it is and I have a bad habit trying to fix others problems so I do not have to focus on myself.
I have been here before...this depressed state. I have an excellent doctor now. I have been in therapy for 3 years but have not been able to get to core issues because life just freeking keeps happening. I seriously think they would have to lock me up in a padded cell to fix me. LOL They won't do it. They won't even call me crazy...but at times, my god, I certainly feel it.
To Sisco, my lil guy, who knew when I took you on to mentor that you would be the one who would teach me. This site (whether or not it is just a kind word, a person helping another...it is magical.
I have been a member here forever. I leave and come back, but never stray from from home. I am not sure where this path I am on now is headed. I am getting through one ...now it is not minute by minute, but hour by hour and eventually, days by days until I am no longer a pathetic green (sorry for your green lovers:P) blob but a pink bubble. One who can float and rise above this all and can go on to help others without hurting myself....
This is all I can say for now. But I felt something should be said. I know there are others who have it worse..sick how that can make you be able to carry on. I have always been told I was strong. I have fought my entire life...from the day I was born and my mother wanted to kill herself and me..yet she kept 4 other children...oh, she died while I was on the surgical table. you just can not make this sick crap up...anyways...I will continue to try and survive...
and I WILL always pay it forward...somewhere, somehow....
|"This moment is exactly as it should be. Whatever relationships you have attracted in your life at this moment is precisely the ones you need in your life at this moment. There is a hidden meaning behind all events, and this hidden meaning is serving your own evolution."
Tomorrow I go into surgery. I must admit I am afraid. I will be on bed rest and I have been warned I will be in pain by the surgeon. I can choose to look at this as an opportunity for growth or I can cry about the fact that my children will not be there for me as I fall asleep before the surgery (my boyfriend will be:)), I can worry myself silly over the pain, the bed-rest and stir-crazy-ness I fear. I can set myself up for panic attacks, and believe me it is easy for me to do as old habits die hard....but wait! I am fighting my natural urges to feel sorry for myself. I have my trusty blog and want to be P.I.N.K. I have people who love me ( as many as some? No, but more than some? Yes! So why worry about numbers, amounts, and silly calculations that do not matter as long as I DO have love and can give love? Am I going to be sequestered to my bed for a few days, perhaps weeks? Yup, yet that IS an opportunity to read, blog, write, ruminate, contemplate, commemorate, celebrate, and drink lots of herbal tea and to make new goals (think bucket list). Staying still is sometimes a good thing for all of us. Sometimes life does not afford us the gift of time to take a break and reevaluate. My wish for myself is that I use this time wisely and that I get through this moment with grace and gratitude.
|Today I saw a blackbird and it made me cry. To see a black bird in itself, especially in my country yard , is not a big deal. It had a cracker in its mouth. I sat and watched it and wondered where it got the cracker and why it chose it over the bountiful treasure-trove of variable bugs and nuts that are readily offered. I watched the bird dance around and sat mesmerized by the simple beauty of the scene. I started to cry. I wondered why I was being so sensitive, then I wondered why not? When did I start to think that a tear shed over what is wonderful and beautiful in this world should NOT move us, sometimes to a tear.....
Sometimes the world is heartbreaking ugly and sometimes it is just the opposite. I am going to have to seek the beauty more fervently and reverently if I am to stay P.I.N.K.
I missed this blog!
side note: when author states she cried, she does not mean she had a full blown bawl-fest I am not a hysteric....well most of the time anyways
"Few men during their lifetime comes anywhere near exhausting the resources dwelling within them. There are deep wells of strength that are never used."
--Richard E. Byrd
I have yet to find that well of strength. I feel it bubbling up at times and wanting to pour forth, but like a well, someone has to pump the water and once it start to flow, watch out! It also will only pour freely for a while and then you must work the pump again or the well will sit still. Life is constant work if you want to get the most out of it. Sometimes people or into your well, and that can stop it up or slow it down, same with elements that no one has control over.....it is just a bump and you must work harder.
I realize this entry may not make sense to some reading it and may speak to someone out there. It does not matter. It is something I felt I had to write for me. I have to start pumping that well to find the resources dwelling within the depths of myself. I need to find out my true strength. I have always felt I was strong, but sometimes even when you have had that strong well broken down, you can rebuild that well and it is even stronger and better than the old one. The main fixtures are intact and the which dwells in the heart of the well remains, waiting to be unearthed again and again. We are limitless...we truly are.
|First, I should say some wonderful person gifted me a premium account and while I am not back full force and may not be for a while, for many reasons, I shall blog at the very least. Not only will it be a healing process for me, but I think it would be a shame to waste the gift given to me. I thank that special person who thought so much of me to give me this wonderful gift. Thank you! You have NO IDEA how much it means to me.
While trying to figure out if the color black is the absence of color or all the colors combined I came upon this page, http://askville.amazon.com/white-absence-color-black-combination-colors/AnswerVi... All I can say is "yea, that cleared it up for me." LOL
I have started painting. It is mostly furniture...wood, weird things that talk to me. I also drew a tree in charcoal that took me about three months of sitting out in the sun. I did not think it was that good. But it was as the tree was speaking for me to draw it. If my typing is poor here, forgive me...my house is cold. My fingers slip and slide on the keyboard...but I digress. The tree is a peach tree and she has one side of her amputated. The other side bore flowers and some fruit later that year but it was like both of us knew she was at the tail end of her life cycle. She had done all she could to survive. Her amputated limbs did not distract from her beauty, it only made the parts of her that could hold strong even more beautiful. As I drew her, I bonded with her....It was a healing process. I seemed to see parts of myself in her, in each node, each leaf, each amputated limb, or wound, cut.....and at one point it was as I felt her spirit peaking to me, thanking me for immortalizing her in my drawing.
Note: my daughter went around all summer joking "my mom talks to trees and my neighbor begged for the picture which she said was magical. it was all she could speak about. It was as she saw it as I was some superb artist that caught something magical. *shrugs* I did not see it. The drawing sat on my floor for a while. I finally got up the self-esteem to frame it. I thought, "Hell, you spent months on it, who the hell cares if it is good enough?" So I did. It hung on my bedroom wall until one day I decided to give it to Dawn, my neighbor. When I went to get it off my wall that day, it was as I could suddenly see the picture through her eyes. It was the most glorious, beautiful thing! (no that is not to say it was...just that I was gifted to see it as Dawn saw it and I was right to be giving it to her). She has it hanging in her hall by her mother hand made quilt. Her mother has passed. I am honored.
I am not sure how this is the entry I have put down...but, alas, it is. lol.....it is not what was intended. It is what it is, however....
perhaps...it is some light in a dark place?
| No rest for the weary....or should that be no rest for the wicked?
I have been a bad, bad girl. I made a promise to myself to blog daily or at least every couple of days. I have been so busy with this move. We wrecked the car (Thank goodness no one was hurt) and had little problems that kept coming up with this entire process and it is still not finished.
When we moved in, we could not even take a shower. the bathtub was gritty rough and there was no shower. Chad said he swore skin had been peeled off his butt when he took a bath. We had to rig up a hand-held shower and the thing leeks. The tub is still a mess. We do have a shower in the basement...not too unpleasant, just a pain to go downstairs and very cold down there....want my shower in the bathroom
We still have the old house to clean. We can not seem to get garbage service. Seems the old tenants have not paid a huge bill and my landlords are responsible. No one will return my calls- the trashman or the landlords...so I may be forced to have the city take pics and mail them off to the owner with a nasty letter he said he will write. I really do not want that to happen. We have had some issues with electrical in the home. Some Chad has fixed. There were a lot of issues with things like missing keys and such that we had to contact the landlord about. I am afraid they are really slumlords and may not care about how crappy the house ends up. We want to stay and have no lease.....scary. We take care of any home we rent and consider it OUR home....hopefully the landlord does not decide they should have rented to someone who did not care if windows were missing or there was a huge hole in the bathroom floor from the leak.
Okay, enough of the negative. things will look up, they always do. I need to get to a tanning salon. the artifical 'sun' always makes me feel better. i will be job searching next week, cleaning and finishing up the old house and finishing up here. We are going to make our outside covered patio into a tiki lounge
I miss Kat. I do not think she is working too hard at working on herself there in Cali and still seems to be lured back into drama with her ex-boyfriend who lives here in Illinois. I will just keep the faith in her and keep communication open. She and her sister are not talking right now. Kat does not seem to understand some things...that people are worried about her. She changed her myspace email and I can not hack into it. Yes! i do read her myspace...I am sorry, she deserves no privacy until she earns it back. the only thing I ever considered off limits is my child's journal. I look at her myspace to see who she is talking too and that is how i found out she is talking to her Ex. Now I will have to rely on her telling me the truth...something you does not always do. It is terrible to experience your child trying to take their life and almost succeeding. I need time to trust she is in a better place and actions speak louder than words.
Wow...I need sun. Where the heck are the pink bubbles? I think I will stop writing in this entry and come back with a more positive attitude.
|I have no quote. I have no bubbles but I plan on stirring up a batch soon. the move has been rough and is not even done completely yet. Good gosh, lordy lordy It has been hell! It will get better and is, day by day.
I miss my daughters. Kat is doing well. Kat will be visiting during spring break.
I am working on Smile~Worldwide. I love that it fits with my new positive thinking and blog and such.
okay...back to 'work'
speaking of work, I need to find a job!
|~ It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness. ~
share this Darkness saying Eleanor Roosevelt
I am so defeated and tired feeling right now that i am almost unable to type this blog entry. I am sure it will be okay and my energy and zest will return soon.
Chad got into a car accident on the highway last night. He did about three 360's and then went into a ditch and hit a pole. Our new, (used) car was sort of, perhaps totaled. We shall see when the estimate comes in. He could not drive it on the spare even and we had to have it towed at the cost of 200 dollars.
Good News: He is alive!
I am not ready to move. I feel stalled with the packing as we use a lot of what needs to be packed. We just sent in the rent (had to mail it) and the landlady actually told me we could back out if we wanted. That does not sound very positive to me. I think I may have complained about the area and she told me there is a man who is begging her for the house. I hope she does not regret giving us the house. We love the house, we just need to get used to living in the city. I am waiting for her call again.
Good News: We had the money to pay her the rent and deposit and with moving, Chad will not have to drive home in the dark and the snow and the tornado weather.
I got a letter (very short note) from critter Saigo who ran the group 'Smile~WorldWide'. It seems she has been sick for some time. I saw that in the groups donation log as her/his tag said Saigo~terribly ill.
This was the note:
Hey there! I hate to be brief but I don't have much time. To put it shortly I am going to die soon, more than likely, I should know for sure in a few hours, how much longer I have. So I am sending all the group items and the group to you, if you do not wish to run it then please disband it and give the Gps to charity. I am closing everything out now because I don't want to waste more time doing it later. They say there is a 20 % chance I will live. I'll probably be back on at some point if I live, but until then... Farewell.
This was a teenager. She/he made this terrific group and gave it to me, knowing how much I loved it. We were never really able to get it going full force because we were all busy....
She/he left a lot of gp's in the group bank and deleted their account. No one knows about this (until now because I mailed the group) and there does not seem to be a sister or mother coming onto their account to soak up the sympathy...this makes this real and not a hoax as some others have done on forums like this one....
Good News: (I guess)
We had this bright loving person here to share her optimism and bright outlook on life with us. She left me a great gift-the group. I will make it a success, not only because the idea is brilliant but to honor her.
You can check out her vision here.
The group lounge is being revamped but you can see the group and join if you wish. Eventually, when things slow down in real life, i will work on ways to making this group positive and ....well, *shugs* it fits my pink bubble philosophy perfectly.
Please say a prayer for this dear kid.
Okay, I am drained now just saying all that. But i feel like I lit a candle in the darkness and tomorrow i shall see the light in all this.....
|I love the chopstick pencils!!!! It was just so wonderful to get a package from you. I actually (do not think I am weird) will wear those pencils in my hair. They are especially useful when I am writing or working! I usually put them in my pony tail or up-do (((huge mental hugz))) You made today very special
|"If you think you can win, you can win. Faith is necessary to victory." – William Hazlitt
The quote is dedicated to a wonderful friend who, after reading my blog yesterday, made me realize I needed a kick in the butt. Thank you!
Last night I prayed, I gave up on trying to control my universe and decided to go along for the ride. I will not go into who my God is, for while I believe every person under the sun has the same God, God is a personal experience. I did release all my stresses and gave up my troubles to Foo-la-la (My God's nickname). I said that I mjight want to ask for things I WANT but I knew I NEEDED certain things in order to succeed and feel peace....
Anyways, you know that old phrase "When it rains, it pours?' Well, that statement is usually used for when bad things happen. This morning it poured, but it was all positive. I am still sitting in awe of the downpour of Joyous happenings.
We got the house we were wanting, but we also got a rent discount and an option to buy. The landlady is going to work with us on the rent (when it is due). I was ecstatic. It was just the beginning, now remembering all great blessings do not come in large or elaborate packages, I received a mail from another person on here who I had been having some issues with. She had issues with me, and after talking I think we have came to realize that the issues were not about us. At any rate, i feel online drama slipping away. I let go of it and it turned around. I realized i did not have to be liked by everyone. I trudged on, knowing that I could only be true to myself and this morning found things on my favorite website were great!
next, okay....everyone is slip sliding around on the ice rain that is going on in this town. I am notorious form slipping. My husband called and warned me not to slip, to drive with the car in low gear, lots of warning about care. I walked out and drove with no problem. i really did not realize what everyone else was dealing with.
Our W2's came in the mail this morning! My appointment to get back what i hope will be enough money to pay off our cars and move should be coming in soon.
I am seriously dumbfounded at the change. After the little reminder by Anyea to think positive....I found her sage advice so fitting. I changed my mentality last night....positivity is attracted to positivity. I totally believe in the universal vibrational system I am finding pinkbubbles abound.
*wiggles in chair*
|“What seems to us as bitter trials are often blessings in disguise”
Kat called yesterday. Her father and her brother (one of her older brothers lives with her dad in a house) were not being the most welcoming. My oldest daughter went over there to explain the school situation (Kat needs to play catch up and I want her to go to something called Independent Studies). Heather was told by my husband, she was not the mother. I had explained what Heather would have to do to get Kat accepted into the program and Heather has been a Godsend for me when I can not be there. It is unfair that my oldest should have to take the reins with my youngest, but she is actually the closest thing to me. Heather knows what i want for Kat and is willing to take Kat to the places she needs to go to succeed. Heather flew down and the memory of Kat lying in the hospital bed has not faded from her memory as easily as it seems to have vanished from Kat's dad's mind.
Heather explain, quite calmly that she was told by me what I wanted for Kat. She explained to Dino (who is not ALWAYS an ass, he just has some huge asshole moments) that she was willing to do the work needed to get Kat enrolled in the right school. I am hoping that Dino keeps his word and buys Kat a bed soon. Kat is already talking about coming back home but knows she has some work to do before she SHOULD come back. My child is always welcome. I really believe she has the best chance to heal and move forward being away from Illinois for a bit. I believe in her!
We looked at a house yesterday in Decatur. The odd thing about Decatur is it is very much like Cali. The bad areas and working class neighborhoods stand apart from each other by mere blocks. Of course there is the north side of town where all the well-to-do and upper middle class live, but at this time, we are with one income. Our choices are limited. We found a house that we think would be great for us and would fit Kat easily when and if she comes back. She will not be able to walk everywhere like she does here in Pana, but she is at the age that she can get her driving license. We wait to see if the landlady is willing to fix all the things that need fixed. She might just rent to people who do not care that they might fall through the rotting bathroom floor. LOL Everything happens for a reason. The landlady sounds like she is in love with us. She is from Pana and for once, living in this town seems to be a Godsend.
We are also considering this cute town called Taylorville. It has more going on than Pana but is still safe enough for Kat to walk around town. There would still be a commute for Chad, but it is better than the commute we have here and it has job opportunities for me.
So, anyone reading this....please send out some prayers, vibes, whatever that we can find the perfect (or almost perfect) place.
Please keep kat in your prayers/thoughts as well.
I have hope for the first time in a while.