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 |  "Clean cup! Move down!" ~~the Mad Hatter, Alice in Wonderland, Walt Disney cartoon |
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** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Sometimes in life, you have to pick up and move down the table. A regroup, a fresh start. A clean slate. |
| I ascribe to a belief system wherein we work our way through life in an ever widening cycle of spirals. Have you ever felt that life keeps bringing the same things to you over and over again? You see the same themes, people, lessons, again and again and you feel you might go crazy if you don't get off the merry go round? Yeah. That's life. What you learned in your teens is recycled so that you can learn more deeply about it later. Etc, etc, ad nauseum. Yesterday I learned a lesson again that I hate learning. But I had (what for me) was a much quicker response time than I've had in the past. In the past it has taken me years to work through the lesson. This was a more painful reiteration of the lesson, but I recognized it sooner and acted more quickly. But, it still hurts. If you fall and skin your knee or fall and break your arm, both lessons in falling still hurt. This was a lesson in letting people abuse me and be mean to me. People close to me. People I should trust. It's hard for me to stand up for myself and protect myself. Hubby wanted to deal with the problem for me, but if Hubby deals with it, then I haven't and the lesson starts again. I had to deal with it. I had to cut someone who I thought was very close to me out of my life. I had to draw a line in the sand and say, "No more." It hurt, but it was easy in a way. I'm a good person. Too good to be treated like that. I know my own worth. And it is more than I was being treated as having. But the lesson is still no fun in learning. |
| I read a variety of things. One book I'm reading right now is The Tao of Pooh by Benjamin Hoff. In it there is a story about a Tao master and student: "Hui-tse (the student) said to Chuang-tse, "I have a large tree which no carpenter can cut into lumber. Its branches are crooked and tough, covered with bumps and depressions. No builder would turn his head to look at it. Your teachings are the same--useless, without value. Therefore, no one pays attention to them." "As you know," Chuang-tse replied, "a cat is very skilled at capturing its prey. Crouching low, it can leap in any direction, pursuing whatever it is after. But when its attention is focused on such things, it can be easily caught with a net. On the other hand, a huge yak is not easily caught or overcome. It stands like a stone, or a cloud in the sky. But for all its strength, it cannot catch a mouse. "You complain that your tree is not valuable as lumber. But you could make use of the shade it provides, rest under its sheltering branches, and stroll beneath it, admiring its character and appearance. Since it would not be endangered by an axe, what could threaten its existence? It is useless to you only because you want to make it into something else and do not use it in its proper way." It makes me wonder what things in life I don't value because I'm seeing them or trying to use them improperly. What am I missing out on because I can't shift my vision or focus? |
| No school today. Part of me wants to be super productive today. I have a load of laundry in and several more in queue. I need to shampoo the carpets. I also need to work on several sewing projects. I have an essay due tomorrow at 5pm that I could type up really quick and post to the school website today, too. I also need to water my plants, as it's so dry here, I have to water them frequently or they get super parched in the winter. But, what I WANT to do is curl up in my chair and read. Or work on my jigsaw puzzle while I watch Stargate all afternoon. Bleh. Perhaps a compromise is in order. I sometimes have to coax myself into being productive with a series of rewards and goals, like a little kid. (Like the video game child I am.  ) I can watch my shows and work on my puzzle or read books for timed intervals interspursed with productive spurts wherein I must achieve specific goals.I know, I'm pathetic.  ~sigh~ But it works. I'm off to goad myself into production. May your day be a productive one, too. |
| This is the cover letter I would send you if I had the balls. Not that boring one I attach to all of my resumes in the now utterly fruitless almost year long quest for a job I've been on. Instead of telling you what an asset to your company I will be, what a team player I am, instead of extolling my virtues and downplaying my negatives, in this letter, I'm going to tell you how it really is, ok? I am a product of the video game generation. I am just like a rat in a maze. If you give me a task, there will be a learning curve, followed by high perfomance provided I am rewarded in some small meaningless way each time I perform the task correctly. The reward doesn't have to be huge and even praise won't cut it. Show me numbers and my rank and performance in the company and I will strive for a higher score. Because I have been raised and trained to beat the game. I have been given gold stars, smiley faces and other meaningless rewards my whole life. I will perform like a trained monkey day in, day out, for you if you will keep them coming. Instead of lying to you about wanting to make an impact and difference in the work I do, I will tell you the truth that at this point I'd just like a job that I won't hate, like sewer inspector or road kill collector and even those aren't completely off the table at this point. Right now I'd settle for something that isn't demeaning or degrading. Disgusting is back on the table. I would be willing to wear a hair net at this point in the job search. What I haven't lied to you about in the letter is that I'm intelligent. And that I can do just about anything given the proper training. I am an excellent sales person and I can sell popsicles to Eskimos and water to a drowning man. I work equally well in customer service or in a room by myself. I won't lie to you about being a self-starter. I'm a crappy self-starter. I need clearly outlined objectives and goals and I need deadlines and checklists. That's the video game training. Give me an objective and I will meet it every time. Turn me loose with no direction and I wander aimlessly. So that's it, prospective employer. Here's what I wish I could really tell you. Here are the cards I wish I could really show you. I bet you've got a few you wish you could really show me. It would probably make this whole job hunting thing go a lot easier for the both of us. Sincerely, Teresa |
| Ok, not really. I have a calendar I got this year that shows all the astrological signs and where the moon is any given time, etc. It also has all worked out astrologically the most advantageous color to wear each day. So, I figure every little bit helps, right? Today's color was pank. I thought of you, Scarlett.  Tomorrow's color is indigo. I've never really had a good grasp on what color indigo is. I think it's a bluish-purple color, but.....who knows? It's kinda like puce. What color is puce?  If it doesn't come in a Crayola box from the 70s and 80s, I'm not clear on it. (I always liked Periwinkle Blue.) Hubby is home sick today. He was sick yesterday, too. I think he's sick of the weather.  It's making him run a fever and have aches all over. But, he felt well enough to help me spring clean on the house yesterday. Woot! I just need to finish the kitchen (floor, countertop and stove) and we need to shampoo the carpets and we are golden.  We even ~shudder~ dusted. (I know! Horrors!  )I like that my-house-is-clean-yea! feeling. Gives me all over warm fuzzies. Having housework that needs doing is like a Sword of Damocles hanging over you ALL THE TIME. You think, "I'll go on the computer." And a little voice says, "The carpets need vacuuming, you could knit a new pet from all the animal hair on it." Or you think, "I'll go play the Playstation." And the little voice says, "The kitchen floors are filthy; pigs wouldn't eat off them." What is with that mean, bossy little voice anyway? Or am I the only weirdo with that stupid little voice? |
I just left partyof5  's blog. I was happy to see him on the blog page after so prolonged an absence. Just the other day I was bemoaning the loss of so many of the core bloggers from "Blogville" to scarlett_o_h. But, as I read Party's comments, some from old-timers who also bemoaned the lack of quality/quantity blogging here on-site, I had a bit of an epiphany. Ghandi said, "Be the change you wish to see in the world." We are a community. Not just here at Writing.com, but here on the Blog pages. We are a community of, on some level, voyeurs. People who sojourn into one another's lives. You all know about me simply because I've put pen to paper (as it were) and opened my heart and life to you. And vice-versa. I know of your lives because you've drawn back the curtains in your lives and hearts and let me in. At some point we stopped. We have stopped letting one another in. We withdrew into our lives. We lost touch. We stopped "calling" our friends. We stopped meeting over the metaphorical lunch tables, dinner tables, in the coffee shops of our blog pages. To check in on one another. To see how the others fared. So. What do we do about it? I say we start "meeting" for coffee again. It doesn't have to be daily. It doesn't have to be profound. Just stop in at the water cooler. Check in. Say how you are doing, or tell us about your new couch. Mention how your pets are. Drop us a line about your spouse/kids/pet rock/neighbors. We don't care. Just let us know you are alive out there. We care. What do we do? Start commenting. Say "Hi." "Good to see you again." "Glad you dropped us a line. We were worried." "We miss you and love you." Or even just a little to let someone know you saw what they said and acknowlege their existence.We need to plug back in people. (And I'm including myself in this!) And what do you do if your "favorite" bloggers/friends have gone on to do different things? Find new bloggers. Find new friends. You found the first ones. There are new ones out there waiting to be found. And here is a little bit of blogging ettiquette that has fallen out of use and needs some revival......when someone comments on your blog, reply. Even if it's just a little note that says, "Thanks for commenting." "Thanks for hearing what I have to say." "Thanks for listening." OK.....I'll climb down off my soapbox now. Random rant over. I'm off to go comment on some blogs. Thanks for commenting and thanks for listening. |
| On Saturday, Hubby and I celebrated Valentine's Day. I made him dinner and he got a massage. I met him at the door with a virgin mai tai like we had in Hawaii. (OK, just for the record? Virgin mai tai's are nothing like real ones. Mai tai's are made of several types of distinctive liqueurs and virgin ones are just pineapple juice and sweet and sour mix. But, we still like them. ) Hubby got us a Move for our PS3. (It's Playstation's version of Wii.) We got the Sports Champion game that comes with. There are six different sports that you can play. Hubby kicks my butt at all of them except Bocce. I'd never heard of Bocce before playing it on the game, but it is TONS of fun. I'm thinking I'd like to get a set for us to play in real life this summer. We have a nice big backyard to play it in. My sewing projects are coming along nicely. I've gotten some great ideas for next Christmas, so I've been working those up as well. (Sorry for using the dreaded C word, Scarlett.) School is doing well, too. I've got a test today in my easiest class, American Popular Music. So I'm off to study. Wish me luck! |
| Same old, same old. Sometimes I think part of growing older is routines. Same routines, day in, day out. People don't die of old age, they die of boredom. Today is Monday. Or as I like to call it, Empty the Trashes and Cat Potties Day for Trash Day tomorrow. I'm excited, and I know you guys can't contain your excitement reading about it.I've got a test coming up next week in my music class. And another in two weeks in my GIS class. (Computer mapping) So that'll break the boredom a bit. I'm sewing.....steadily sewing. I've got some ideas for Christmas projects for next year I'm just about to start on. (Never too early!) Other than that? I'm ready to go back to Hawaii.  We had so much fun in Hawaii. We don't even have to do much. We can just go and lay on the beach every afternoon. And put out the trash on trash day. I'd much rather be bored in Hawaii. When I was a kid and would complain of boredom, my mom would either find me some wretched chore to do or inform me that only boring people got bored. I don't want to do wretched chores (I'm doing enough chores in my house to keep us afloat--that's it! ) and I've never thought of myself as boring. I suppose I'd better find some cure for these winter blues. Or something to break the routine.This weekend, we went to the old theatre downtown, it's called the Ellen. It was originally built back in the 1920's or so and is in the process of being restored. A local theatre group puts on various productions there throughout the year. On Saturday, they had a free screening of two Marx Bros. movies, A Night at the Opera and Duck Soup. We went to see A Night at the Opera. I love that one. The stateroom scene is hysterical. So is the scene where they are working out the contract. "Hey you can't fool me...there's no sanity clause!" If you've never seen a Marx Bros. movie, I recommend A Night at the Opera or my other favorite A Night in Casablanca. We came home and Netflixed it Saturday night. Hubby hadn't ever seen either one and laughed his way through both. We've been watching all the NCIS episodes from the beginning, too. Love that Gibbs. We also started watching the top 100 films according to the American Film Industry. Some of them we won't watch because I don't watch scary movies (The Silence of the Lambs) but some like A Streetcar Named Desire we've both wanted to see for years and never have. Slowly, we are slogging our way through. (You can google the list for yourself on wikipedia. AFI top 100 films) It's not a total cure for boredom and winter blues, but it's something, I suppose. |
| Misleading title, maybe. But, yesterday, I "graduated" from therapy. I'm doing really well. No more dark depression; no more dark place. I'm almost sickeningly cheerful according to my therapist. I don't have to go back unless I need a tune-up. I've been in therapy for almost ten years. That's right. Ten years. (Hey...I was pretty screwed up, ok?) But I'm doing great now. Clean cup, move down. Hubby and I are really enjoying having an "empty nest." Have you ever seen "Failure to Launch" with Matthew McConaughey, Terry Bradshaw and Kathy Bates? We are like Terry Bradshaw with his nekkid room. Only we have the nekkid house. TMI, right? There are no expectations. We do what we want, when we want to. There are no, "We need to set a good example, so we should...." feelings or actions anymore. We just do any damn thing we want. It's so freeing. It's guilt free living. And we are thriving. Therapy free. |
| It looks like I may live. Maybe. Many packets of lovely saltines later. (And some soup, some ramen noodles, some jello, and some rice pudding.) I'm in love with Vitamin Water. They kept me going. I hate being sick. Hate it. I feel helpless and useless. But this time I was able to be at least somewhat productive while I was on the IR list. I finished all of my Holiday sewing. (Last Christmas...I know I was late with it, but now I'm finished. What do you want?) I also worked on some new projects that I'm prepping for the next year of Farmer's Market. Yea! For Christmas, I got a puzzle and I began putting it together. When it's finished I'm going to glue it, mount it, frame it and hang it in my new sewing room. Also, yea! All new stuff. Talked to Monilad yesterday. She's doing really good. I'm excited for her. Life in Texas is really agreeing with her. She's doing better in school and in her personal life. And I have a new sewing room. Win-win. |
| O, dear saltine cracker, In my weakened, vomitous state, I rejoice in your simple, salty, bland crunchiness. While all other foods, yea, even smells, forsake me, you, dear saltine cracker, are always there for me. In your simple, comforting, crackly, opaque, white bags, You come boxed in four handy, handy little packets, so that there is always one more. And even when my stomach rejects you, dear saltine cracker, even then, you are comforting. For you are just as calming and bland coming up as you are going down. |
| New beginnings mean a new semester at school. It started today. Slick, snowpacked sidewalks and 14 degrees F at noon. Woo hoo. Gotta love it. Three of the classes I'm taking are actually classes I've partially taken. So, it's a bit of same-old, same-old. It's ok. Makes note taking a breeze. One class is new. It's American Popular Music. Yeah.....like I'd take that if they weren't making me. Hopefully they'll cover Ozzy.Home life is a bit strange. Not bad just different. Another new beginning at our house is that Monilad has moved to Texas to live with my Mom. It was an abrubt change and too much sadness and drama for me to go into. But.....now Hubby and I are empty nesters. He and I have always had her. She was three when we married. He and I are having to learn how to be alone together. It's nice. Weird, because I miss her, but nice. Turns out I like my husband. I've always loved him, but it's good to know I like him, too. We get along ok. We are friends and have things in common. It's strange to be writing again. I feel rusty at it. Some of the things I've written seem amaturish, clunky and unwieldy. My brain, my muse have atrophied. "How do you get to Carnegie Hall?" "Practice." Another change is that I turned Monilad's empty room into a sewing room. I'm still moving into it. I craft once a week with a girlfriend, now I have somewhere craft-worthy. I was doing it all over the house, projects scattered and transported each week to her house. Now I have a permanent place for my sewing machine, my supplies, my fabric. It's fantastic! Bittersweet, but wonderful. Silver linings and all that. Well, I have to go register my computer with the college tech department.......again. ~sigh~ It seems like I have to do this EVERY semester so that I don't have to use the poky guest sign in internet connection. But, whatever. The world of pencil pushers everywhere is bound tightly together in red tape. Planned obsolescence and periodic random nonsensical policy changes keeping the average bureaucrat's job secure. (Can you tell I have an axe to grind?) It's how the American Tax code has grown to such unsurmountable porportions and how the health care system has become the bloated middle management ridden beast that it is. But, I digress. |
| New Year, new beginnings. Last year wasn't, well...not to dwell, but it won't go in the win column. I could do a whole sum up of exactly how bad it was, but this is a place for new things not old. Looking forward? I plan many things for this new year. Not resolutions, which I don't subscribe to, but goals. Small, manageable goals. I'm starting "Invalid Item"  back up. I spent today adding several new contests to my favorites column. Some are smaller daily or weekly contests, but some are larger more intense monthly contests here on site. One even runs from Jan-June this year. I'm excited about them. I don't know if I'll enter them all, but I plan on trying to enter at least a few each week.Along with that, I plan on doing more reviewing. My reviewing habits of late have been deplorable. I have goals at home, too. Exercise, for one. While we were in Hawaii, I got up and swam for an hour every morning. I LOVED it. I forget how much I enjoy swimming. I have free use of the pool at MSU, so I don't see why I can't do that at least a few times a week. I arranged my school schedule well this semester to fit things like swimming or the occasional noon yoga class into it. Hubby has already declared that we will be eating better...healthier. I think that's great. If he does it with me, I find it much easier. He actually likes salad, so I can fix them a myriad of ways and he doesn't get tired of having salads several times a week. I am also buying fresh fruits and we are having them. We got spoiled having fresh fruit with every meal in Hawaii, too. I discovered that WalMart carries the freshest pineapple in town, and I have a container of it fresh cut in my new fridge right now. Yum! Well, I hope at least some of you made the move here with me. Happy New Year to you all. |
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