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For the avoidance of doubt... Yes... I definitely have an opinion... |
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** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Welcome to my Blog!! About me: I'm not really a blogger... But I do like to put the world to rights and you can bet I have an opinion on most things. I'm a little Welsh dragon that left the Land of My Fathers far behind me. I've flown far and wide.... and ended up in the land down under This blog is filled with all the stuff that's going on in my life, and in my head, which can be a little cookey on times, so you have been warned!! And let's not forget my opinions and musing - I have a few of those as well. So pull up a pew, grab a hot, steaming mug of something yummy, and maybe a cake to: Life is always better with cake don't you think. And read... ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** I just starting blogging with the following groups: ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** I also write a Xmas Blog that kicks off 1st December.... "Invalid Item"  ....tag along for elvishness and merriment
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| It's official I'm in the growing egg phase - how exciting. I've been injecting myself daily for eighteen days, eighteen with the down regulating meds and three with the egg/follicle stimulating hormone. There are still another seven days of injections left, at the very least, possible even a few more depending on how my little ovaries goes. While this is a really exciting time, it's also the point at which we find out if we can actually have IVF/ICSI. Most people think that IVF is the whole process; that it incumbencies a number of infertility procedures, but this isn't the case at all. IVF is just one of many procedures that can be used to help result in a child, and in this case the egg is fertilised by the sperm in vitro ("in glass"). ICSI is similar in that the fertilisation happens outside the body, but the difference is the sperm is physically injected into the egg, while in IVF there are pretty much left to their own "romancing". Both procedures are dependent on good quality egg and sperm being produced, and this is the stage that Guy and I are currently at - trying to produce lots of good quality eggs. There're only so many things you can do to increase the quality of your eggs; healthy diet, no smoking, no drugs (including over the counter), healthy weight or BMI and regular exercise to name a few; there are also those that believe supplements such as Q-10 and royal jelly, and alternative therapies like acupuncture can help. But at the end of the day even if you do all of these things there is no guarantee that you will produce a good number of eggs or that any will be of good enough quality to survive IVF/ICSI and development into a blastocyst. So as you can imagine, while this is an exciting time, we're also on tenterhooks as no one yet knows state of my eggs. I thought that prospect, coupled with the hormones I'm injecting just below my bellybutton each morning, would have me feeling incredibly stressed, but I'm not. In fact I'm feeling rather chilled and positive about the whole situation, but that may just be the hormones. I'll be happy if it continues like this. I suspect this is the calm before the barmy hormonal storm. I also have the 5k race for life tomorrow in aid of Cancer Research. It's going to be 5 kilometres of running (jogging/walking) and obstacles through mud and water. How exciting. I'm still feeling tired - one of the many lingering side effects from the down regulating medication - so I have no idea how I'm actually going to cope on the course. I think it will be a lot of fun, followed by a couple of hours of snoozing. That's my plan anyway. The race starts at 11:30 and I suspect it will take me about 45 minutes to an hour to complete. Then on to a nice BBQ to reward myself. Stevie |
| So I've made it to the end of week 2 of what is called "down regulation". Yippee For those that aren't in the IVF know down regulation or down regging is where you either inject or inhale a hormone suppressant that stops you from ovulating and in effect resets your cycle. This is important if you are about to be bombarded with egg stimulating hormones. For the past 14 days I have been injecting myself with buserelin, something never thought I'd be able to do. I've endured headaches, and hot flushes; and tiredness, and dizziness; it's all very draining. All in the name of preparing my body for the next stage - stimulating the eggs. It's been tough and I'm glad I have the scan tomorrow, hopefully the new injections will pep me up a bit. Tomorrow I have the scan to check on the lining of my womb. It needs to be nice and thin to be able to proceed. If the scan shows this then I'll be able to start stimulating the eggs on the 1st July - Day 1, if it doesn't I'll be on the buserelin for another 3/5 days. I already know that I'll be having the maximum strength for the stimulant, as I have what's known as a low ovarian reserve - I don't produce many eggs - this may cause an issue as they need to collect as many mature eggs as possible ready for the actually IVF and ICSI procedure. There are a number of side effects and I'm sure, due to the dosage I'm prescribed, that I'll be getting a few of them. I'll also still be taking the buserelin (don't want to start ovulating to soon), but it will be at a lesser amount; almost half what I'm on now. Good job I'm not afraid of needles really. I'll be on the new injections for 10 days, and will be monitored throughout to make sure my ovaries down go into overdrive - apparently that can be bad. And then it's on to collection in about 13 days - which is the scary part!!!. I've meet some lovely ladies on the IVF website group I've joined - It's nice to talk to women who have, or are going through the same thing as me. I've been very open about going through IVF, but talking to friends and family who try to empathise is different to chatting to people understand/know. It's great being able to ask questions as they pop into my head - usually at 1am. It also keep you grounded. While there are many happy stories on the site, there are also those that don't get the result they are looking for. It's a humbling experience and reminds you that while you should remain positive, don't get your hopes up to high. There is only a 32% chance of success in each cycle after all. Stevie. |
| I'm tired!! Oh so tired. Quite frankly I could curl up and snooze fairly easily right here and now. I don't think work would be too amused though... my colleagues on the other hand would find it hilarious. I'm on day 7 on my IVF cycle. One week down, only another four to go and then the dreaded two week wait. I've added a new letter to "Invalid Item" . I definitely think writing down my thoughts, feelings and experiences is starting to help me through the IVF process as is talking/chatting to other women going through the same thing - my cycle buddies.When Guy and I first start on this journey I was really worried. As well as scared, angry and ashamed. I think they're pretty normal feelings to go through as a couple when you are facing something like this. Even though I know that the statistics are positive and there are many happy ending, I was worried that this isn't meant to be, that I'm not meant to carry my only child. And while I still have that fear, I know that there is a lot more to being a mother than bringing life into this world. It's about loving and nurturing that life from the moment you are introduced, so while I hope the IVF will be successful I'm content knowing that if it doesn't it just means I will be meeting my child another way. For those that don't know, and really unless you are going through it, know someone who is going through it, or researching a book why would you, IVF can seem like a very scary process. There are needles (ones you have to inject yourself), harvesting under sedation and then the implementation, which by all accounts is the easiest bit. And that's before you even think about side effects... It's incredibly daunting, and really forces you to ask yourself how much you want it. It's a lot to go through, physically, emotionally, and psychologically if you are unsure. And it can put a lot of pressure on an often already strained relationship. It's why they offer counselling sessions. I've thankfully move past the angry and ashamed part. Thankfully, or not, both Guy and I have issues that mean it's unlikely we would conceive naturally. That's not to say we won't, but, as I like to joke, there would have to be sometime of celestial event and alignment of the planets. I say thankfully because the reasons for the infertility can be evenly distributed (although I was never angry at Guy even before we found out about me). I was angry at the universe for a bit. Generally pissed off. I saw waves and waves of people all becoming pregnant, seemingly without any issues. Some who didn't want to be pregnant and some, dare I say it, that didn't deserve to be. It was a very hard time emotionally - please don't judge me too much. And to top that off I felt like a failure. Why couldn't we do the most basic of human things - procreate. There were time that I think both Guy and I felt broken, flawed. And if I'm honest there are still times when those feelings of failure come back - not very often and not to their full force, but I'd be lying if I said they disappeared entirely. So we've embarked on our first cycle. We're both nervous and excited. We know that it's not a guarantee and this cycle will work or even that any of the three cycles we're been allocated will work. But we are working towards something, our dream. And we're not on this journey alone. There are thousands of couples just like us, facing the same hurdles and we are doing it together. Supporting each other each step of the way. Stevie |
| I just started a new writing project, inspired by what is going on in my life at the moment. "Invalid Item" is a collection of journal entries or letters written to my child; a child I have yet to meet, as my husband and I chart the emotional waters of IVF and infertility. It's obviously going to be a very emotional and personal account. And while it's very much a cathartic exercise for me, I hope it will also be both enjoyable and informative for the reader. |
| I've just come back from two days TOIL (Time Off In Lieu) and feel much more relaxed and rested that I do coming back off a week's annual leave. For my sins I work as a bid manager. Don't worry I didn't know what one was until I became one - think project manager but wrangling sales, contracts, and financials, with difficult customers and short times scales, all wrapped up in a healthy (stressful) competition with all of your company rivals. To say that a bid can take it's toil on your daily life is an understatement. Towards the end, when the deadline is looming and there doesn't seem to be enough hours left in the day, my patience and ability sleep seems to slip away at an alarming rate; picture a bear being poked by a stick and you'll be on the right track. You may think that I'd look forward to, even long, for the weekends or weeks away. And I do. The only problem is that these dates/days always seem to coincide with deadlines. Imagine trying to unwind over a weekend when you know you have a meeting with your senior executives to sign off a million pound deal on Monday afternoon, and you still haven't have the final numbers from "Joe". And add the thousands of responses you need to wade through and review into the mix before the deadline the follow day and you'll realise why relax is just some word in a Franky Goes to Hollywood song. But surely a nice, week away is relaxing... right? Unfortunately one of the many personality traits of a bid manager is "Control Freak", which doesn't lend itself to the ability to hand over your work to your colleague (even if they are just babysitting it for you). Don't get me wrong I love my colleagues, we get on incredible well, and we're always there to support each other. I've even heard sales leads saying that bid managers hunt in packs - meaning if you upset one of us, the rest of us will be there to bite you in the.... but I digress. And they're all very bright, intelligent people, more than capable of managing my bid while I'm away. But I, and I'm not alone in this, don't want to hand my ugly baby of a bid over to anyone because it's mine, and no body understands it like I do, or cares about it the way I do. They have their own priorities, their own babies bids, and so can't give mine the attention it deserves. Yes - you really do get that protective over them. They have your name against them after all. So while a week away seems like a wonderful idea in principle - it can also induce the same feelings of worry that leaving the kids or dog at home for the first time does - even if they are with your mother who has single handily raised three kids on a shoestring. So why is TOIL different. Why I am able to so thoroughly disengage with work in such a short space of time? Why does a day or two achieve what a week cannot? Simple. TOIL is at the end of a bid. There are no deadlines; they've come and gone. No more meetings or conference calls. My inbox in suddenly, wonderfully quiet and my subconscious is no longer working over time to catch-up on my to do list; It, along with my body, can rest, allowing my spirit to recover. I'm able to clean and tidy the house rather that squirrelling the mess away; cook a nice meal instead of looking for the quick fix that may or may not be nutritious; spend hours walking and playing with the dog instead of feeling guilty about the quick evening walk before bed; or even read a book or do some gardening. My time is truly mine. There to enjoy and truly appreciate - something I probably wouldn't be able to do to the same degree without the previous tsunami of chaos. I guess the old saying about Quality v Quantity is true. It certainly was in this case. 1 Time Off In Lieu is time you claim back for working over and above your normal working hours, for example working weekends or late in the evening. |
| Work sucks. It's annoying. Just when you think everything is going OK someone has to go throw a spanner in the works. And just after I got everything signed off. Not amused. But on the positive side I did get up and go to the gym for a body balance class this morning at 07:00 and then went to an hour circuits with the girls from work. I even learnt the frog pose. And I didn't go over my calories whoop whoop. Tomorrow is words, and pricing in work, followed by pilates and gym, and maybe some cuddles with the husband in the evening while watching some TV - shield and blacklist, maybe even a little NCIS. Who doesn't love Gibbs. Only just over a week until we see the consultant again. Must remember to finish filling out the forms. I think I will be glad when I know what the plan actually is. The control freak in me doesn't like the not knowing the what's when's and how's. Then all the fun stuff will start. I'm not feeling as stressed or daunted as I thought I would by what I've read so far about the procedure. But I have been busy with work, so I probably havent really had time to think about it in any great detail. I'm sure that will change as soon as I have my dates. Only 11 more days. |
| Today has been a tiring day. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because I didn't get to sleep until 02:00 and woke up at 05:00, or it could be the 2 hours at the gym and tai chi. It was a struggle getting up and moving around this morning. Luckily I was able to work from home. Facing a mass of emails was certainly easier in my PJs. I still have to take the dog for a walk - a big walk; she is getting fat. And I'm supposed to go to the gym at some point, but I'm not sure that is going to happen. I may just walk Indy and then have a nice relaxing bath, read my book and get an early night. I've got a big day ahead tomorrow with work and the gym so taking a break today is probably in order. I also need to go through the IVF paperwork and sign it all. You'd be surprised how many forms you have to fill out and the number of questions you have to answer. Can your eggs be used in training? What do you want to happen to your eggs if you die? How long do you want to keep your eggs etc..? Have you ever had sex with a man who's had sex with a man? Have you ever had sex with someone with HIV or Hep? Have you ever been convict of a crime against a child. The list goes on an on. The NHS and fertility clinic are very thorough and clearly take the process very seriously - as they should. It's just amusing. Roll on 9th June. |
| These new vitamins are causing me all sorts of annoyance. I seem to have very little energy at the moment, which is making the gym more difficult than usual. Add the increased need for sugar (I'm sure that's trying to compensate for the lack of energy) and my healthy eating has taken a little bit of a backwards step. And my insomnia seems to have come back, which is exacerbated by the fact I'm not allowed to take my normal meds. I know it will be worth it in the end but in a word.... Grr |
| It's been a long time since I've written anything. About six months at least. My Husband and I have been trying for children for a number of years, with no luck. But this year we made the decision to do something about it. It's been a trying couple of months; full of tests and consultations. I've had so many blood tests that I was beginning to feel like a pin cushion. We were recently referred to a local fertility clinic to discuss our options and found out that we could be fast-tracked to IVF, which is very exciting. It means we can forgo the majority of tests and go straight to the harvest/transfer. We were asked the question "How much do you want a baby?" A simple enough question for someone who's been trying for four years you'd think. But the enormity of the possibility is also terrifying, as is the process and procedures involved. I'm honesty not sure what is more daunting, the idea of injecting myself with hormones for two weeks, followed by a needle to my ovary to harvest my eggs, or the whole thing being successfully and finally being a mother - that word is so emotive to someone who has seriously entertained the idea of never being one. But, and there's always a but, even with the wonders of modern medicine and technology, nothing can be guaranteed. There's less then 35% chance of the transfer resulting in a baby - a scarily low figure. Our clinic has a 33% success rate which apparently is very good. Our consultant advised us, like so many other couples, to "manage our expectations", but that seems impossible. How do you manage "hope" and "want" on this magnitude. Our final consultation is on the 9th June to finalise our plan, so I'll know more then - like timescales!!! I've been told it'll help to talk about my emotions and thoughts as I go through the treatment - apparently injecting hormones is not without its hazards - so I thought I'd start this blog back up. This time focusing on the IVF and me. An IVF diary if you will. I have no idea what to expect - although I have been reading everything I can get my hands on regarding IVF - so I expect the blog to have many ups and downs. I hope you'll join me on this journey. Stevie |
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