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 |   Life is rough...I have to write it out. |
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I start blogs.....I neglect blogs....I abandon blogs. I start blogs.....I neglect blogs....I abandon blogs. I started this blog....I loved this blog....I abandoned this blog. I started this blog....I loved this blog....I abandoned this blog. I guess it is a good thing I didn't actually hold my breath. |
Day 10 Prompt: Creation Saturday: You are opening a new store in the mall. You can only sell five particular items. What is the name of your store, and what are you selling? I had another response that had been brewing in the cauldron I call my mind all day. It was good, it was damn good. It overflowed with the optimism and positive bullshit that is foreign to me. It was a sunny side of life fucking post and it rocked. Then. Well.....then my day, and therefore my post, took a different path. I am sure you will be shocked as to which fork in the road I chose. The lights dim... The camera pans in on small city. The theme music (something dainty like a flute) begins and we zoom in on one particular store. It's fucking beautiful but we can't quite pinpoint why. The door opens, and instead of a smiling face, there stands.....me. Welcome to "Men" Here we stock five and only five items, but worry not my dear friend, for while I may not have what you seek, I do have what you need. Oh I'm sorry...you say your wife has stolen your balls? Well we do stock testicles here but I am afraid they are not for you. They are very specific testicles. They are balls for when my husband decides to stand the fuck back up and grab his. Yes, yes, I too can see that they shrink by the day due to neglect. He has just left them laying here, assuming that I was going to put them on and be the one to do all that bally shit. Unfortunately I have my own big brass ones. Do not despair! Instead of balls, what you really need sir, is this cloth. Yes, you heard me right, this plain white cloth. It is so versatile! You can use it for either wiping your tears or your pussy, you choose. Otherwise, I retain the right to refuse service to the cahoneless. Did you need a Living Will & Testament? We have those here. I mean I DID hear that your wittle bitty nose was wunning. And finally, I think you will definitely want one of these.....have you ever seen a violin so tiny? Better take it now because really....that's all the fuck anyone gives about your dick. Thanks for shopping here I guess, really doesn't matter to me. Wait! I almost forgot.... before you leave make sure to check out one last item. It is simply a must have for every man that walks in my store. I guarantee you don't even know all the things you should do with this, and you probably already have one at home. No, I didn't expect you to know what it is is, but yes, you should be embarrassed...it's a clitoris. |
Day 9 Prompt: Has something funny happened to you this week? Awkward? Potentially shameful, until you looked back later and realized it wasn't so bad? Tell us about it. And if this has been a boring week for you, write about an experience that maybe wasn't so funny when it happened, but makes people laugh now when you retell the story about it. This prompt is awful. Who can be purposefully funny? Also though, nothing has happened to me this week so there is that component as well. And I say that nothing has happened to me because I literally mean nothing. Even if my daughter wasn't sick the answer would be nothing. I am a .....prisoner here. A prisoner of Guantanamo Bay proportions. I might as well be getting water boarded, my fingers snipped off, or whatever sexual punishment they have decided is funny now. I have no car. So what? Lots of people don't have cars. You can't walk places around here...not unless you count cutting through the cornfield to the baseball diamond. And I don't count that. I don't count it because even if I did drive a monster truck and fly the confederate flag I certainly wouldn't be cutting through any mother fucking cornfield. They surround me and I love it but I'm not cutting through one because I watch television, I read books, and you know what? Because I read the local newspaper. So no car. My husband drives a truck. He used to drive over-the-road. He was gone for six weeks at a time then home for six days then out for six weeks and on and on and on. It was.....really good. Ha! We need a moment to breathe air that the other person hasn't exhaled every ...eleven years or so. Anyway, like most truck drivers he works in the middle of the night. Good so far, just like anyone who works third shiftish, you adjust, you evolve. Oh I'm sorry, I mean most people do those things. My husband won't sleep. He sleeps small amounts at inappropriate times. For instance, when I might be able to leave the house. These are the times he physically cannot stay awake. Every.Single.Time. His fault? Yes! The point? No! It just all works together to equal not leaving the house unless it is to go to my daughter's school. I didn't even do that because we have been doing the too frigid for school cancellation thing all week. So..the most exciting thing that happened to me was......jacking my moms medicine for the earache I was experiencing that was making feel and act like a six year old. Whoo hoo. My one year old stopped trailing snot like a slug. Big whoo hoo. I made a three layer mermaid cake. Whoo hoo layered on whoo hoo. I can't complete the prompt correctly because I didn't have anything pathetic that turned out to be funny....I just stuck with pathetic. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
Day 8 Prompt: Does an athlete's or celebrity's indiscretions overshadow their entire body of work in their respected field? Why or why not? It depends, are we talking about sticking it in a vein or sticking it in a minor? Some things can certainly be "moved past" but it wouldn't really matter to everyone since different things are different degrees of shitty to different people. I am not everyone though and to me......it seems like it falls into the gone but not forgotten category. I can't unknow it. It's there to be had. It doesn't always change what I think of someone famous, however, I don't think very highly of very many people period...famous nor otherwise. Does the fact that your neighbor waves to you as he pulls into his driveway matter any at all since he refuses to mow his yard? Because you survived, it changes the fact that the other driver was drunk? Does the fact that you got your money back change that the food made you sick? Does the fact that pudding pops are delicious change that Bill Cosby might be all rapey? It really doesn't. It also doesn't take away from the good. Your neighbor still waves at you. You survived. You got your money back. And goddamn pudding pops were so fucking delicious. Mistakes are to be made. We all do it, I mean jeez......Janice Dickinson?!?!?! |
Day 7 Prompt: How would you live your life differently if the average human life span was 40 years? Easy Peasy. No thinking necessary. No husband or children. I love my husband and my children. One of them gets the qualifier "still" and the other gets "so much". But I am no fool. The long term point of a family is love. Support. Companionship. That is all some long term shit though and forty years...well that's just not long term. I didn't live the first twenty years of my life for love and I have been with my husband since age 17. Forty years? That's not enough time to put so much energy into something that can be so one-sided. And one other change....it really should have been my answer to the secret plan prompt but illness dictates life around this bitch right now. It is the same plan I have if my husband and I are ever not together. It isn't secret though, I can be pretty vocal. (What?!?) I would slut it up. And I don't mean some one-night stands or frequent dating. I mean you need to think of the nastiest sluttiest shit and know with all certainty that I would quickly head in that direction. Forever? Who knows? My talent pool runs deep. |
Day 6 Prompt: Two-fer Tuesdays: Share an item or blog entry from any of the eligible competitors this month. Include a review link for bonus points. Hmmm. Yuck. Today's prompt doesn't fit with the tone of my day very well at all. How am I to inject a little sarcasm and bad attitude into my positivity when it is about someone else? Talk about insincerity. Shit. Two competitor's blogs.....two competitor's blogs........ First I went and checked out all of the blogs by Prosperous Snow celebrating   . It wasn't actually my first trip there. I have run into her before. They are lovely. They are light and funny and serious and ....lovely. They are what I seem not to be. 
Review of "More Snow Melt"  Then I went and looked at
 . The reason I did so, and also the reason it was worth it, is because I think...I am relatively sure that.....well... you know when two people are just sarcastic and snarky enough to kinda annoy the people around them but just don't care? I think he and I could rock that shit. Review of "The Muse of Music" So there ya go. I'm gonna go check out some more...I suppose I could probably use both the injection of everyone's seemingly more optimistic attitude and the reminder of how bad mine sucks. |
Day 5 Prompt: When you come down with a cold or the flu, do you stick to traditional methods of dealing with it, or are there unconventional remedies you use? Ha ha ha. Well how perfect is this prompt, since I am currently in a life or death battle with some weird flu cold hybrid. I absolutely take medicine medicine medicine when I am sick. That is what I do. I drink liquids like I am drying up inside normally so keeping hydrated is never an issue. I just dope it up and be sick. That is the thing. It makes no difference what methods I employ….the momma’s life goes on. I had a time in my life where I was focused on more unconventional methods for almost everything. Now I have a one year old and I focus on what is fast and available and easy. I am still getting up early and cooking and dressing and going out in 7 below zero wind chill to put a kid on the bus. And I am not complaining. It’s my job and I am still washing dishes and asses in between vomiting. But that is about all I do, other things suffer, writing for example. Well…I might want to complain a little since there is a second adult here that goes by husband. Or wait…is he here? I am not sure since he is being of so very little fricking help. I power through – that is my method and it works. Maybe it is distraction, maybe it is physical activity, who knows but I just keep chugging. |
Day 4 Prompt: The Sunday News!: Pick a random article from the headlines and talk about it. Share your opinions and feelings about it. Encourage a conversation On January 3 my daughter turned 7. I was deathly ill and she was super hyped up so that all went well. It was a day of ups and down. We are carbon copies and we are at the tail end of a two week winter vacation from school. Two weeks with yourself is a long time. We fought and since it was her birthday we would immediately make up out of guilt. Then because I was sick we would usually cry. Like shampoo….fight, cry repeat. Then the next morning I read the headline of the little girl in Kentucky. I felt like shit. Would my little girl wander almost two miles through the freezing forest in the middle of the night? I am not sure at all. Everyone else on the plane being dead might make it happen but for some reason I just don’t see it. I just don’t see Squirt looking for help. She is emotional. I think she’d stay with her dead family. That’s awful. She was injured and her family was dead. And here I had fought with my kid on her birthday because my illness couldn’t handle her excitement. This little girl just amazes me. I am not far at all from this (not in KY but super close ) and I know how cold it was and the area they are talking about. This is a brave ass little girl. http://wtvr.com/2015/01/02/seven-year-old-survives-plane-crash-that-kills-4-in-k... ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| 30 day blogging challenge Day 3 prompt: Creation Saturday: Concoct a secret plan. I'm sick.... very sick. I cannot remember to cook my children dinner let alone concoct a secret plan. So my secret plan is to overdose (Just short of lethally) on medicine and hide in bed. Doesn't sound like much but the quiet time alone would make faking sick worth it. Sorry for the shitty entry...... that was actually my secret plan. |
Day 2 Prompt:Funny Friday: What does "funny" mean to you? Yikes! I am surly today. I am teetering on the edge of rage. Any tiny thing might set me off. I turn faster than Dr. Jekyll. And so, the real answer is that absolutely nothing is funny to me right now. So a personal meaning is escaping me. I ask myself - what does funny mean to me? And instantly I want to answer things like....Who the fuck knows since all I do is clean up after a bunch of pigs, who has time for funny? So...you know what funny is to me (at least for today)? Funny is a bunch of assholes bunching up behind me at the check out lane at the grocery store. Yep, I am superwoman. I can make this machine move faster simply by willing it to do so. And yes, yes, please send me those killer vibes.....add those bitches to the mix, together we can kick this machine into gear. So by all means, get as close to me as you can. I adore when people invade my personal bubble. I love the hot breath of a stranger on my neck. This coat? All it was missing was the mark of your child who has apparently been digging in mud. But is there mud at the grocery store? No! Funny to me is tiny brown hand prints on my cream coat. We all know what substance kids get on their hands that is brown but not mud now don't we? And if you answer chocolate I will want to kill you. Don't trust me? Go ahead....taste it and find out. Funny to me is then turning the corner from the check out lane which in a moment of sheer cruelty, refused to print my receipt. Oh Mr. Manager Dan you will write me a receipt? Are you gonna draw me the QR code for that lovely "save like never before" app you can't shut your hole about too? No? Oh I see, then sure I will take a fucking handwritten receipt. Because those are generally accepted everywhere....it's like Mastercard and shit. I was also wondering if you would let me sit here and wait 28 minutes for it...please please please??? I had no other plans today other than hanging out here. And man. Really. Wanna know what "hilarious" is to me? Hilarious is turning the corner in a carefully controlled rage, focusing every ounce of energy I possess on NOT being one of those "Caught at Walmart" people, because the scene I wanted to cause would have been cell phone movie worthy for sure. I would have rednecked it up in there. When in Rome. (And NO, unbunch your panties, I do not mean Walmart is redneck world....I mean I literally live in a redneck part of the world.) Anyway...the true meaning of hilarity is to then, in a weird slow motion, complex combining of all events being played out before my eyes yet not being able to predict correctly what was to come, see a young child vomit his way to the restroom. Like a black cat this fool was set to cross my path yet we didn't collide. It was a near miss of mere millimeters. Even at the tender fucking age of 8 or 9 this kid must have been worried about the collision as well because in his surprise he turns to look at me, perhaps with a look of celebration - - I don't know because instead he began to vomit again....down my leg. Face forward kid, face fucking forward. So....yeah...LOL. And I will leave you with this because since I read the prompt this morning I have thought of this at least twenty times. [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] |
Day 1 Prompt:Everyone talks about the changes they want to make when New Years Day comes. I don't want to know about your resolutions...I want to know what you don't plan on doing in 2015. Don't be obvious...be creative! To whom it may concern (since I am the only one who gives a shit), Don't you dare do the following things in 2015. Don't, DO NOT!, write in this blog every day. Don't be determined nor disciplined beyond the requirements of the first official 30 days. Don't even think about being accountable to a group of people you have committed yourself to. I mean really. Don't cook your family dinner with any sort of regularity. Don't stop complaining that you never ever eat well or together either though. Don't stop nagging your husband and daughter. Don't stop being demanding and emotional either, that shit is gold. Don't read a book. You used to read books and that is a thing of the past. Remember when you devoured books at a rate of one or two a week? Ha ha. Your reading habits literally took a pregnant pause. Don't fix that crap. Who needs to read? Don't stop watching TV like a crackhead. That's the type of adult parental example people strive for. And finally....and easily most important....do not under any circumstances stop smoking those wonderful cigarettes. Slow death is at the top of every resolution list for 2015. Follow the crowd. Love forever (since I am the only one who can stand you.) |
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