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A blog for my MHWA group dealings and anxiety issues I deal with. |
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The Anxiety of Life When my anxiety gets the better of me, writing, even just a few lines about it, seems to help. So here is where I will start posting things when my world turns upside down.  Sometimes, someone who is broken doesn't want to be fixed, just to end up broken again...
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| What forms of art therapy do you practice other than writing? Do you draw, play an instrument, garden, sew, scrapbook, do photography? What forms of art therapy would you like to take up in the future? Do you even think art therapy works? I consider myself artistic. I have an art desk that I recently bought and I've purchased things to go inside my drawers to work on drawing and painting, but I haven't done anything with it since I've bought them. But it's there if I want to, right? I have been doing a lot of wood burning projects last month so it's not been a total waste of time or money. I love wood burning. I love the smell it gives off and I love the designs I do. I love the detail I try to put into the work I do, though I often fear I'm going to mess up, which I have. My self-esteem will start to get to me and then I just want to chuck it all into the garbage and not ever look at it again, but I haven't. I'm trying to better myself with confidence and the people who care about me have been so very supportive. I know my projects aren't the greatest. I know this, I want to do better at it, and I'm getting better at it, I'm just not confident enough yet. Not sure if I ever will be. I've had people offer to buy my work, but I'm afraid they will get it, see a flaw in it and change their minds so I refuse to sell any of it. I also have a huge coffee table we are redoing the center of. I bought the wood for it, I have ideas, tons of ideas, for it, but it sets undone because I'm scared of such a big piece. I'm scared I'm going to fuck it up and it's just going to look horrid. I'm not ready to do it, but my boyfriend wants me to get it done. I understand that he does, but he just doesn't get that I'm not ready to work on such a project yet. Anyway, so yes. I think art therapy is wonderful. It keeps me occupied. It gives me something else to focus on rather than the day to day mundane shit that gets my anxiety going. Except that my art sometimes gives me anxiety as well, just not as much as other things do. I just don't offer my art to others and I do okay with my anxiety. Noone else but family sees it close up (because I have put pictures on facebook of my work), so no one sees the flaws I see or don't see that someone else might. I know not everyone is artistic, but you don't have to be to enjoy art. Sometimes it's therapeutic enough just to splatter some paint on a canvas, smear it around, and see what comes out of it. Music is also art and nowadays you don't have to know how to play an instrument to become famous, let alone be able to sing. Just do it if you enjoy doing it and fuck what the rest of the neighborhood thinks!   Shhh. Whisper..... |
| Write about something you wish you could tell someone, but can't. Almost on a daily basis, I find myself wanting to say something to someone, but can't. Most of the time it's because it would cause drama or would be a waste of time to actually do. Just not worth it. But as of late there is one person I would love to sit down and write to them and tell them everything that is on my mind. My ex-husband and it's my fault that things are coming to me that I'd really love to let him have it. I check on my exes on social media, just to see what they are up to. It's not that I'm wishing bad upon them, but then again, with the thoughts that run through my head when I see that they've updated their statuses or posted something, I do, especially if it's negative, which with my ex-husband has been. It angers me when he posts something about his kids, sayings like, "I will always be there for my kids no matter what if they ever need me or want me," or the "I'm a great dad," posts. I want to immediately make a comment about how that's a lie because he hasn't been since the day he went to prison and even before that and not even since he's been out of prison. He contacted me after he got out wanting to know if his kids wanted to talk to them, they said no, so that was that. Did he offer to help me buy things for them, has he offered to help in any way? NO! They said no, so he just went on with his life. I'm doing just fine without needing help from him, but it still would have been the right thing for him to do, to offer. I'm not the one who locked him up for 5 years, he is. He wants to come off to everyone that he has changed, that he found religion and he's a better man. I know better. He's no different from the day he went into prison. He's always been able to fool everyone, but not me and not his kids. He's a sick motherfucker and always will be because he doesn't think there is anything wrong with how he treats other human beings. He now posts things about how he forgives or thanks those who have hurt him in the past, blah blah, blah. Motherfucker is the one who did the hurting. Nooone hurt him! He's also posted things about how he wished he could find someone who would love him. He had that, I did love him until I couldn't handle the abuse anymore. He's been talking about being depressed because he's going out of his way to show people attention, yet no one is responding or showing any back. Again. I want to comment on why that is or why he doesn't deserve any kind of attention. I guess I shouldn't be like this towards him. I've moved on and I'm mostly happy with my life now, but because of the way he treated me I will probably never be fully happy because of all the trust issues his abuse and shit caused. I actually hope he dies alone and miserable and that is just so very wrong of me to wish on anyone. I want to be vindictive and tell everyone that knows him or works with him just what he went to prison for. He recently said he was getting his own duplex which he will own in 10-15 years and I want to take that from him, I really do, and that's wrong... I shouldn't care about what he does from now on, I shouldn't care if he's miserable or happy, but I do and I don't know how to change that. Letting go of all the hurt and pain he has caused me, just isn't in me and I don't know that I ever will. Then last night I had a dream about quitting my job and I woke myself up, then lay there for 2 hours telling myself (and my boss) all the reasons why I quit. Ughh I'm gonna be tired later today. Shhh. Whisper..... |
| How was April for you? What did you do last month? What was the best thing that happened in April? What was the worst? April was actually a pretty good month for me. Though I didn't do any writing, I did manage to do other things. One of the other tasks actually hits on what I did in April. Task 18 which is about art therapy. I've always been creative and artistic, I got that from my mom. She is very creative as well and does a lot of artistic things, much more than I do. I don't have the patience to do all the things she does, but I do enjoy creating, making, drawing, painting, wood burning, etching. And I've wood burned in previous years just before and more frequently when I left my ex-husband. I've started wood burning again and have done about 9 pieces in April. I'm still getting used to doing it so my work is not the greatest, but I have shared my work on social media and received compliments on it. I'm a little hesitant yet on shading any of my work, fearing I'll ruin what I've done, but I'm trying to get past it. It's only wood, right? Yeah, still that self-esteem thing gets me. I don't think I'm good at it yet. I have a huge coffee table that I'm trying to redo the centerpiece in, but I'm not ready for such a big project. The table was given to us for free so it's not like I'd be wasting money if I screwed it up, but still, I don't want to screw it up. I did purchase the wood that would go in the center of it. $50. Still not a lot of money, but it's my confidence that I'll fuck it up that keeps me from working on it. I have so many ideas, but I'd rather someone else just does it instead of me, though I know it would have so much more meaning to it if I did it myself. Anyway, the good and bad about April are pretty much the same thing. I 'had' rotting teeth. Through my marriage and last relationship, my teeth suffered severely because of abuse. My exes thought that, for some reason, if I was brushing my teeth and making my breath smell better it must be because I was meeting someone, so I neglected the health of my teeth to save relationships. It didn't work in the end, the only thing it accomplished was me suffering with broken and decayed teeth so bad that I had to limit what I ate. And it was only getting worse. I was having headaches and toothaches 24/7, no appetite, forced to only eat mostly soft foods, and me being a cook, was hard to do, as well, I'm a meat and taters kinda gal. So I bit the bullet last month and did what needed to be done. I went to the dentist. It's been a week and a day since I made the decision to have ALL of my teeth pulled and dentures made. It was a very difficult thing for me to do. I fought it, a lot. I went back and forth with the idea a lot. But I did it. My anxiety was on high for so many reasons and sadly one of the reasons actually happened. After they extracted all of my teeth they were supposed to put my dentures in and leave them in, and they didn't. I don't think they even tried them in like they say they did, to be honest, but still. One of my fears was having to go for a while without having teeth. Well, I'm without teeth, but not because of why I feared. But because of the dentists fuck up. I had an appointment scheduled for the day after my surgery to have my dentures properly fitted for me but was unable to do so because my mouth had swollen so bad there was no getting the teeth in my mouth. If the other dentist would have at least told me to try them in after an hour or so after my surgery I'd have teeth in my mouth right now, but alas. Whats done is done and it cant be undone. I've just had to accept it and continue living. Its been so hard though. You never realize what you have till it's gone. You take for granted so many little things in life until it's gone. I'm still stuck eating mashed potatoes, scrambled eggs, and yogurt. Yep, that's been my diet for a week. I'm starving. I know I will eventually be able to enjoy food again, but like I keep telling my boyfriend, by that time, my appetite will be zilch. Before this, I was only eating once maybe twice a day if even that. I think in the last week I've eaten the equivalent of two meals. It's just a matter of patience, I know this, but I also know I don't possess a lot of it. I know I did the right thing, the healthy thing, and in the end, I will be better for the decision, but right now, I'm not so confident. I'm hideous, I'm hungry, and I'm in pain, still. So that was the good and equally bad part of April for me. How was your start to Spring? Oh and I forgot to mention, my dental insurance who when I initially called and asked how much of this procedure they would cover told me 80% on one and 50% on the other, ended up only paying $1000 altogether. So yeah I have to pay $7000 out of pocket. My dentures were free (not really because my premiums every month covered these), but they are only temporary dentures. In 6 months I'm supposed to go back and get my permanent ones which will cost me another $3000+. It'll be worth it in the end, it'll be worth it in the end, it'll be worth it in the end. I just have to keep telling myself this. Shhh. Whisper..... |
| Do therapy animals have a place in your life? Would you like to have a therapy animal? Do you think it would help? I do not nor have I ever had a therapy animal, though I support the cause. I just don't think it would work for me, personally. But then it depends I'm guessing. I know most people have either cats or dogs for therapy animals. That would be too much for me. My boyfriends' brother has a dog and when she's around, I tend to watch her. She personally doesn't scare me, I LOVE dogs. But her behaviors scare me. I'm constantly worried if she's sick or hurt or anything negative. If she sleeps too long or too heavily, I worry there is something wrong with her. I just couldn't handle it having one around all the time. And I can't stand cats... Hate the little things with a passion. Kittens, eh I'm ok with, but I also know they will quickly grow into cats, so nope to them too. I have thought about lizards, the big ones. One that could sit on my shoulder. Like an iguana or monitor. I've looked into a time or two, but I wouldn't consider it a therapy animal, but then again, it might be. I just worry that I might react the same way with a lizard that I do with a dog. More worries. Shhh. Whisper..... |
| Write about a mental health cliche or stereotype that infuriates you. There are numerous cliches I hate hearing, most from counselors... "And how does that make you feel?" "Why do you think you felt that way?" "I understand how you may have thought that?" "Everyone has 'anxieties'" Then there are the ones that come from friends, loved ones, and strangers. "Get over yourself" "Don't let the bad thoughts in" "Just think happy and you'll be happy, it's that simple" "It's all in your head" WELL DUH!! "Everyone has anxiety" Shhh. Whisper..... |
| What is your earliest memory of your mental health issue? How did it manifest and how did you notice? I think I have briefly written about this last month, but I will try to be more descriptive this time. My first memory of anxiety, though I didn't know it at the time, was when I was in Kindergarten. There was a boy named Steven Temponero in the first grade who told my sister, who was also in the first grade, that he wanted me to be his girlfriend. He was the best looking boy in the whole school, which was from Kindergarten to 5th grade. But I was young and boys weren't something I had previously thought about. I agreed anyway since my sister told me I'd be popular just because I was his girlfriend. Again, popularity wasn't something I cared about, but my sister did. Plus, he was gorgeous! I admit I was thrilled at the thought of the cutest boy in school, who could of had a fifth grader if he had wanted, chose me, instead. I admit as well, I walked around the school with my head held a little higher than I used to. I was proud. Being in different grades, we didn't see each other much, usually at lunch or before and after school. On the way to bathrooms or the gym. So it wasn't anything like a real relationship. We didn't talk on the phone once we were out of school or anything like that. My parents knew about him. Of course, sisters have big mouths and I was teased by them because I now had a boyfriend, but they weren't overly cruel or embarrassing. One day, Steven had told me he wanted to spend more time with me and wondered if during the weekend he could come over. So I asked my parents and they said yes. So we set it up for the following weekend. We lived in a trailer park in Fayetteville, NC, right outside the gates of Fort Bragg, so we didn't have a big yard to play in, but we managed. He arrived and was greeted by my parents. They bragged about how cute of a guy he really was since my sister had told them he was THE cutest boy in the whole school. He blushed, but then we went out to play. A few neighborhood kids decided to come over and play s well so we all decided on playing a game of hiding and seek. One of the favorites of the neighborhood. I don't remember everyone that was there but there was enough that I and steven were not the seekers for a good while. We would go off and hide, sometimes alone, sometimes together. The very last time we played, we hid together. I remember it like it was yesterday. We hid behind my dad's car. I looked over at him, while he was busy watching the seeker. I decided to take a shot at kissing him. Not on the lips, eww, but on the cheek. I leaned in to get closer, puckered my lips and the next thing I knew, I was face down on the ground. He had moved... I quickly stood up and ran into the house, not looking back at anything or anyone. I told my parents to please send everyone home, including Steven. I was horrified, embarrassed, and didn't know if Steven even realized what had just happened. I cried most of the night and avoided everyone. That night as I lay in bed, not able to sleep, the what if's ran through my mind. What if I go to school on Monday and he acts like he doesn't know me? What if he was going to break up with me? What then? How was I going to react? I wasn't a very nice little girl back then and I would fight anyone over anything. Would I hurt him? After very little sleep I woke on Sunday, still just as anxious and scared of what was going to happen. I didn't have a phone number to call him and ask, not that I probably would have anyway. I just grinned and bared it till Monday. Monday morning came and I went to school, sick to my stomach, nervous and still very much anxious. I saw Steven and froze. He ran up to me, smiling and hugged me, thanking me for inviting him over and telling me what great fun we had. 'Wait, what?' was all I could think. Apparently, he had no idea that I had tried to kiss him and failed miserably! And I wasn't about to stand there and tell him either. But it changed me. The whole experience changed me. I slowly lost my confidence, my bravery, all of the positive self-awareness left me and I became a scared child. We eventually broke up, he dumped me for a third grader who was better looking and more outgoing than I ever was, even before my changes. That's life though. Looking back on it, I notice how big a difference one action/reaction can change a person for the rest of their lives. It scarred me more than it should have and I've been scarred by it and a lot of other things, ever since. Shhh. Whisper..... |
| Task 15: Fear is a monster - what does it look like? "My Demon "  by Shh...whisper need inspiration  This is a poem I wrote and it has an image attached that pretty much shows what my anxiety/fear appears to be.Shhh. Whisper..... |
| Which emotion do you have the most difficulty handling? How can you improve the way you deal with this emotion? FEAR Fear of the unknown. Fear of no solutions to problems. Fear of unanswered questions. Fear of knowing if I'm enough, will I ever be enough, will I continue to be enough if I am. Fear of making future plans. Fear of the past coming back. I have no idea on how to improve the way I deal with FEAR... Shhh. Whisper..... |
| Thinking back, when has your mental health been at its best? When has your mental health been at its worst? What caused these highs and lows? Have you noticed any trends in the state of your mental health? How do you use the history of your mental health to get yourself through lows and maintain highs? I hate to admit that the very best of times for me not having any anxiety was when I just didn't give a shit about anything or anyone anymore. That's not to include my kids because I have and will always care about them, but little that they do gives me anxiety. Of course, I worry about them just as any 'normal' parent would. I just don't have excessive worries about them. When I'm at my worst is when I open myself to others and start to care about another's feelings, cares, concerns, etc. Also, when something I don't agree with or don't like, happens, I tend to have anxiety. Like for example, at my job, if there has been some people not getting along, or people not doing their jobs, anything negative, I tend to get anxious. As well, if I find out we are having a meeting at work, I tend to get anxious about what I should say, how I should say it, or if I should say anything at all. (Most of the time I end up not saying half of what I played out in my head to say.) I've even written it down in hopes that the anxiety would at least lessen. I've noticed that while during the day, I do have anxious moments, but most of the time I can distract myself enough to make it stop. But at night, it is much more difficult to distract myself. I can be dead tired, but my anxiety will be so bad I will be up more than half the night with the what if's, should I's, did I say that the right way's, did I take that the way they meant it to be or was there more they weren't saying's? Were they sarcastic or serious when they said this or that's? Ughh and so many other questions, worries, concerns... In order for me, right now, to control any highs or lows would mean I would have to give up on myself and the ones I have chosen to care for and love, as well as quite a job that I like, not always, but most days (it's the people I work with not for that gives me anxiety). Shhh. Whisper..... |
| Write about your experience with counselors. If you haven't been to a counselor, why not? Do you feel like it could help? I've had several experiences with counselors and I have to say only 1 of them made a good impression on me, while 1 other pointed out to me something I didn't realize about myself. I didn't actually go for anxiety issues. At the time I was seeing counselors I didn't know I was suffering from a mental illness, but regardless, knowing now what I didn't then, I still wouldn't go see one for my anxiety issues. I have a son who was diagnosed with bipolar disorder as well as a few other disorders and he was very hard to handle when he was young. The family ended up in therapy numerous times, trying to figure out the best ways to help him as well as ourselves. We sought family therapy as well as individual therapy. The very first counselor I went to out of all of them was, in my opinion, the best. She actually cared about me and my feelings. She treated me as an individual and focused more on me than why I was there to start with. She encouraged a lot of things I was doing and wanted to do in my life. She listened to me and my frustrations and actually gave me advice to help. She also put one of my poems in the book she was currently writing and publishing. She invited me to go along with her to the book signing when her book was published as well. It was a flop, but the invitation meant the world to me at the time. I really miss her and wish I could remember her name. It is funny how much she impacted my life, yet I can not remember her name... My last counselor, though I didn't like her, told me that I laugh at inappropriate times, which is actually true. When I'm nervous, I guess I laugh instead of express how I'm actually feeling. It's not a gut-wrenching laugh like I find the situation hysterical, but rather a slight giggle. I found that, except for my first counselor, all of them paid more attention to the clock rather than to me and why I was there. I also noticed that they had so many people that they saw within a day, week, month, whatever, that they couldn't remember what I was there for until they pulled out their notes. Even still not remembering everything we had talked about previously or what we were supposed to discuss that time around. I could have made up anything, in fact, a few times I did just to prove to myself, they didn't care about their patients. It infuriated me how I could be in the middle of a sentence and they would stop me and tell me time was up, that we would finish the conversation right where we left off the next time. Maybe, if I would have stayed and stuck with just one counselor, my experience would have a better outcome and I wouldn't find the experiences so negative. I don't know. I wouldn't tell anyone not to see a counselor if it is something they think might help them, but me, personally, I'm good. I'd rather talk to someone on the street or on a bus and know that they weren't looking at a time frame of when I'd be done yapping. Shhh. Whisper..... |
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