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 |  A journey of self-improvement - or not. |
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Sup? I'm Char. You may know me from timeless classics such as
and
I blog for things like
[Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Believin' all the lies that they're tellin' ya Buyin' all the products that they're sellin' ya They say jump and ya say "how high?" Ya braindead, ya got a fuckin' bullet in ya head |
Artist: The Cure Song: Kyoto Song [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Prompt via "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS"  : Write about your ideal weekend. I'm sadly not going to make it through the end of the month so I'll check out now. Good luck to everyone who's still in it and thanks to Emily  and GrueSum1  for the fun! I appreciate you guys.  A nightmare of you of death in the pool Wakes me up at quarter to three I'm lying on the floor of the night before With a stranger lying next to me |
Artist: The Strokes Song: Heart in a Cage [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Prompt via "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" : Write a poem or stream of consciousness entry about something you do every day. Most of my mornings start with some version of "I can't." I can't balance this spreadsheet and study for this exam and grade these papers and work. I can't do everything that needs to be done today. It takes anywhere from .5 seconds to 5 hours for me to move passed this part of the day. Some days are more difficult than others. I've been in a funk for the past week or so. I was feeling so productive before that, handling all my work and writing and all that. Now, not so much. Realistically, when I wake up each morning, I have about 10-12 hours of work to do that day between jobs and school. And then I have my WDC responsibilities and commitments which are around 2 hours a day, I'd say. It seems excessive to me because I only have one group here and I only commit myself to one challenge a month, if any. But answering emails, calculating things, crediting things, typing them up so they're publicly accessible, sending emails... It adds up, like, crazy fast. The biggest thing is just getting myself started. Let's take today for example, I spent probably an hour and 15 minutes crediting all the reviews from last week, typing them all up on the group page, rolling virtual dice, rewarding everything, answering emails, and adding new items for review. I've spent probably 20 minutes writing this entry in between doing other things. After I post this, I'll read other entries and comment on those. So, yeah, easily 2 hours today on WDC stuff. On top of that though, I've worked 4 hours gathering data for the classes where I'm a teaching assistant. I need this done Monday and probably have about 6-8 more hours I need to give that before Monday. I'm also going out in a little bit to work more so I'll probably work for 4 or 6 hours today with my other work. I have a couple assignments due tomorrow and I'll need, say, 2 hours to do those. That will probably take more time too, but let's just say 2 hours. If I get done with work in time, I'll finish those assignments tonight so that I'm not rushing to do them tomorrow. Add it all up and that's a minimum of 12 hours today. So yeah, I have trouble getting up. Because I do this 7 days a week and have for years. I'm looking forward to graduating and getting a full-time job. Even working 60 hours a week, I'd be working less than I am now between my jobs and school. I just remind myself that this shit is important. I have to pay my bills, so that part of my life is non-negotiable. I'm graduating at the end of the year, so there's no point in giving up now. And WDC stuff is important because I want to stay plugged into the community as much as I can. It's nothing compared to 2015 when I had a ton of free time to participate in everything and write a bunch, but it would make me sad to completely disconnect for months while I finish school. Plus, to be honest, if I disconnected now, I probably wouldn't reconnect. I mean, out of sight out of mind, right? I very seriously doubt that if I spent the next 7 months working and finishing school that I'd graduate from college and jump back into WDC. When you're not here a lot, you are also out of sight out of mind. You can very easily slip away from the site without people really noticing that you're gone. Because of that, you're not going to really have the pull to come back if you're gone for a year. So yeah, I don't know what I'm talking about. But I do know that I wake up most mornings going, "Oh no." My brain is totally fried. I can't keep track of basic conversation and spend most of the time saying, "What? What was that? What was I going to say? What were we talking about?" If it weren't for my journal, I wouldn't be able to tell you a single thing that happened last week. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ The burnout is real, clearly. But, I did get a couple gifts today that made me smile. I woke up to a merit badge from my old friend, ♥OctOGre tHiNg♥  :![Merit Badge in Congratulations
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Congratulations, you have created a positive reviewing ( and other ways too) movement of hope for others with inspiration, kindness and great ideas! The sky is the limit for your goals, my friend, as kindness will always (eventually in the long run, if not in the sprints) win the day. Let the sun shine in.*^*Hearty*^**^*Sun*^**^*Tulipy*^**^*Hearty*^*An old Hippy Flowerchild wannabe, named HOOves *^*Hearty*^**^*Cow*^**^*Tulipy*^**^*Cow*^* on the 50th Anniversary year of Woodstock, no less!](https://images.Writing.Com/imgs/writing.com/writers/badges/Kudos-Congratulations-2500.gif) So that made my morning a little brighter.  And then my blog has been graced with an awardicon, so, that's pretty awesome. Thanks, ~Minja~  , for always listening...  Well, I don't feel better when I'm fucking around And I don't write better when I'm stuck in the ground |
Artist: Oasis Song: Live Forever [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Prompt via "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" : A lot of medical research today focuses on developing cures to ageing. Presumably, with the right breakthrough, humans could live forever. How do you feel about this? Write an entry describing the advantages and disadvantages of extremely long life using facts and opinions to support your answer. Someone who's older than me is gonna nail this prompt. I think the obvious question here is in what state would we be living forever? I mean, it's not like you can live forever as a 25 year old. Best case scenario, you're just gonna be prolonging your death for an extended period of time. I've seen older relatives being kept alive through loads of medications, doctors visits, etc... The question isn't whether or not you want to live a long, healthy life. It's more like, do you want medicine to be able to keep you alive for a longer period of time than it currently can? Maybe I'm wrong. What the fuck do I know about life? I know that older people seem to be more at peace with themselves than I am in my twenties. I know they tend to be wiser, calmer, and better at handling life in general. I do think a long life is advantageous in some ways. Having the confidence and grace that only comes with age stands out. With technology, people can continue to write through text-to-speak until their last breath, really. I would venture to guess that growing old has a lot to do with contentment. Finding things that bring you peace and eliminating the things that don't seems important. I do listen to people. When someone tells me, "When I was your age X... and then I learned Y" I take that shit to heart. It's not so much about settling as it is about allowing yourself to accept certain things. That's what I've gathered, anyway. The disadvantages are clear. I mean, if we want to get analytical, government healthcare spending in the US is already far higher than other countries with a similar life expectancy. We'd have to put serious work into fixing our healthcare system to even be able to maintain an average life expectancy that's much longer than it currently is. Although, we need to fix our healthcare system anyway, so there's that.Here's a really great article on overpopulation. The gist of the article is that overpopulation isn't a problem so much as age distribution in a population is a problem. Basically, the share of working-age people in the population is shrinking. Working-age people are the ones who produce goods, pay taxes, and support those who are non-working age. If that population within the overall population shrinks too much, it would clearly cause a strain.I'm not saying that elderly people are a burden though. They have a lot to offer. But, certain things are needed to even support those people, and with shrinking resources to support them, well... yeah, you get a problem. But maybe I'm cynical. Maybe biomedicine and technological advances will allow people to work later and later in life. I mean, we kind of already have to, right?  Maybe increases in healthy lifestyles will allow people to be naturally healthier longer. Maybe biomedicine will just be so good that people will be 110 and spry as fuck.Then we'll be like, "Yo, granny, get back on the assembly line. No one cares that you're 170 years old."  Maybe I will never be All the things that I want to be But now is not the time to cry Now's the time to find out why |
Artist: Bright Eyes Song: Waste of Paint [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Prompt via "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" : Congratulations on making it halfway through the challenge! Today, we’ll do something a little different. Instead of writing an entry of your own, take the time to show some love to your fellow 30DBC challengers! Write thoughtful comments on at least five different blogs from this month’s competition. Then, post the links to the entries you commented on in your own blog and share one thing you learned. Have fun! My mood has been pretty off today. Even for me.  I'm feeling totally listless. I've gotten nothing done. It's just one of those days where I, like, stare at a wall forever.But this prompt made me smile.  Thanks, Em. This gave me the chance to catch up on some entries I've missed during the month. I thought I'd have a lot more time to read things than I've actually had, but I'm still trying to read/comment on at least 3-5 entries a day. If I haven't hit yours much, it's probably just because you post your entries at a time when I'm not reading them. Let me just add in... Liking/Commenting on people's entries is so important. This isn't a social media "look how much interaction I can get!" kind of thing. It's about building a sense of community. I say this in the most respectful way possible, but... there's no point in responding to the daily prompt as though you're being interviewed by a pesky news reporter and then going on your way to something else. Or maybe I should say there's no point in me doing that. I would get nothing out of blogging if I did that. That's why when I see myself stretched too thin, I'll hop out of a blogging challenge completely because if I don't have time to interact with anyone else, what's the point? To be honest, I've commented on a lot of entries this month so it might be difficult to find new entries to comment on for this prompt. But, I've been busy and pretty worthless the past week so I'm sure I can find some. Anyway, five bloggers and their entries... Well, I've really enjoyed Kåre เลียม Enga  's blog this month. We don't really know each other, but her entries are always very poetically written and poignant. Here's one of her entries so you can see for yourself: "2019年5月15日: Blow-me-away blog" I always love reading Waltz in the Lonesome October  's blog. I learned a lot in his entry for the "mindblowing" prompt: "It's About Time" . I think I've commented on all of his entries so far this month so I can't do a new one there, but definitely one of my favorite blogs to read. It's always interesting, funny, amusing, etc...LazyWriter  and I have just met through "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" this month too, and I'll always enjoy meeting a new person through blogging. Her entry, "Invalid Entry" discussed her experience with discovering more about her religion. I think spiritual paths are so personal and every person who's spiritual can benefit from learning more about their beliefs.IceSkatingSugarCube  had a really good entry for the "Four Burners' prompt: "Four Burners Theory" . I thought she had a really good analysis and sense of self-reflection in her writing, which is typical for her. Plus, the "stove is off" line at the end got me. QPdoll  is another blogger I adore. When we had the "Goldilocks" motivation prompt, I was totally thinking of her because she has mentioned before how her job doesn't give her enough work for it to be challenging or motivating. Of course, she nailed the prompt when talking about it!I enjoy MD Maurice 's entries so much. Her "mindblown" entry about her daughter's piano recital, "My Reluctant Little Star" was sooo sweet.  If you haven't read it, seriously check it out. MD Maurice just seems to get me. I don't know how to describe it, but I sense a kindred spirit in her somehow. Like, I could trust her for no reason. So yeah, there's just a handful of the bloggers I've been super enjoying this month. There are more though, but I'm over 5 people now and don't want to take anymore time to list them all. What I learn the most when reading other bloggers is that we're all different. We all have different things going on, different perspectives, different life experiences. I really feed off of being able to get a fresh viewpoint on any topic and that's why I love blogging so much. It's clear to see it's not them but me Who's lost my self-identity |
Artist: Tool Song: Schism [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Prompt via "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" : Share an instance when something blew your mind. Maybe I'm just easy, but I get my mind blown regularly. I don't know why that felt so sexual to type. ^^^ I have a friend who hits me up with random facts all the time because he reads way too much random bullshit. Every time I see him he's like, "Hey, did you know..." at least 5 different times. Probably because I'm a good audience for that. [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Here's a list of some random mindblowing* facts *May only be mindblowing if you're easily amused.  When you look at the stars, you're looking back in time. Because of the finite speed of light, anything you can see in the sky today looks as it did in the past. For example, the Big Dipper is 60-125 light years away, so when you see it, you're likely seeing something from before you born. Scientists have also said that, theoretically, if an alien was 65 million light years away and looked at earth through a strong enough telescope, they could see dinosaurs. There is a species of jellyfish that is biologically immortal. The Turritopsis dohrnii jellyfish can actually convert itself completely back into the early stages of its life cycle through a cell development process called transdifferentiation.  95% of the ocean is unexplored. I think I talked about exploring the ocean and space in an earlier entry this month, but knowing that we've explored less than 95% of the world's oceans is scary af! Like, there could be anything down there and we wouldn't even know about it. When you're dreaming, your brain is telling itself a story. Someone described dreams to me as a story your brain is telling itself and I've never thought of dreams the same way again. Krakatoa's eruption could be heard from 3000 miles away. When the volcano erupted in Indonesia in 1883, it killed over 36,000 people and was so loud that it could be clearly heard 3000 miles away. For the US folks, that's the equivalent of standing in Orlando, Florida and hearing a sound from Seattle, Washington. It's insane! Aluminum used to be more valuable than gold. While aluminum was very common, it was also difficult to isolate in a pure form. It went from $12 a pound in 1880 to $0.20 a pound in 1930. Before a refinement process was discovered, pure aluminum was rare and expensive. Napoleon even set his tables with aluminum cutlery over gold cutlery because it was so valuable. There are over 250 corpses on Mt. Everest and... they're (( WARNING: bodies shown in this link >>>)) used as guideposts . Here is a source that shows no photos . This is legit the most bizarre thing to me. I know it's nearly impossible to retrieve the bodies at that altitude and it's viewed as a warning sign to hikers, but there's just something so wrong and creepy about it to me. Excedrin Migraine and Excedrin Extra Strength have the same ingredients. This is a personal one. I get migraines frequently and people always told me to take Excedrin Migraine for it. But then I found out that the Extra Strength and the Migraine one are the exact same thing.  And what's worse is that a lot of places charge more for Excedrin Migraine because you have a migraine and you're like, "omg, this hurts, I need migraine meds, extra strength won't do!"So anyway, I got really annoyed when I found this out like a year after my migraines started and I was ranting about it liberally, and someone told me that it's more expensive because of the inactive ingredients. They said that the inactive ingredients in the migraine one release the meds faster so they'll work faster for you if you're having a migraine. And then I looked at the inactive ingredients AND THEY'RE THE SAME FUCKING THING STILL. You see, this annoys me because they're tricking people who have migraines, are in pain, and probably aren't thinking straight.  That's all I've got for you today. Hopefully at least one of those things was mildly amusing or you got a kick out of the mini rant at the very least. There was a time that the pieces fit, but I watched them fall away |
Artist: The White Stripes Song: Effect and Cause [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Prompt via "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" : Which burner in your life burns the brightest? If you had to completely turn off one of your burners to be successful in the other three, which would you turn off?Ooooof. I'm painfully busy and I don't understand why. I mean, I have work and summer classes, but it seems like it should be less busy because I'm in less classes. But, double speed, so trying to get all my assignments done + grade people's assignments for the classes where I'm a teaching assistant is getting pretty overwhelming. Okay, let's do this entry so I can go grab dinner. First of all, I don't know how much I agree with this whole "four burner" theory. Yeah, you sometimes have to let one thing slip a little or give extra attention to another, but as far as turning off a burner entirely? Uhhhh... Hard disagree, to be honest.  See, this theory is saying that you can't reach your maximum potential in all areas without turning off at least one burner, but all of these areas require a different level of effort depending on the person. For example, some people's friends and family are super easy to maintain. They see them for holidays, events, go on vacations together, call each other over the weekend, etc... Unless they're also going to turn off their work or health burner, then you're already at the maximum reachable potential for that relationship. I agree with the article's statements about seasons of your life changing, which causes you to emphasize different burners for a period of time, but I guess I just don't see that as turning a burner off. Just because you spend time raising a family, doesn't mean you can't succeed at work, stay healthy, and remain friends with people. Right now, I think work and health are my primary burners. Just trying to maintain my mental health and get through school while working makes it a necessity. But I still make a lot of time for friends/family. Almost all of my spare time goes to the other two burners. If I had to turn one off right now, I'd turn off family, but I think I'm managing at least "okay-ish" while burning the candle at both ends.  Well, you can't take the effect And make it the cause I didn't rob a bank Because you made up the law |
Artist: The Shins Song: Saint Simon [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Prompt via "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" : Discuss the “Goldilocks Rule of Motivation” as described on the website below. “Human beings love challenges, but only if they are within the optimal zone of difficulty. Tasks that are significantly below your current abilities are boring. Tasks that are significantly beyond your current abilities are discouraging. But tasks that are right on the border of success and failure are incredibly motivating to our human brains.” Ahh, I love this one. Maybe because I've learned about this in business school in 4 different classes. In human resources, you want tasks to be two things: challenging and specific If you don't have those two things, you won't motivate your employees in the long-term. A task that is too easy isn't rewarding. People will put it off because it's so easy to quickly finish anyway. Plus, they'll be bored out of their mind on autopilot while doing it. If a task is too vague, it has that discouraging effect. If someone says to you, "Do your best, I know you'll do great" or "I trust you to do a good job with this" it's legit the most frustrating thing. It's like, can I get some actual guidance? What outcomes are we looking for? What are the parameters of the project? I need something to go off of that is more specific than, "You're awesome! You're gonna do a great job!" All of this matters because of retention. In order to retain an employee, you have to motivate them. The cost of replacing employees is ridiculously high, so the longer you can retain them, the better. But let me move away from a business perspective. On the personal side, I've found the Goldilocks Rule of Motivation to be so true. I get super easily discouraged if something is too difficult. Even on the site, sometimes I'll see a challenge that looks really fun, and then I'm like... wait, this runs for the entire year?? NOPE. It's just too much commitment, which makes it too difficult for me and I'll get instantly discouraged from signing up. I don't know what I'm gonna be doing next week, let alone 8 months from now. At the same time though, I do want writing challenges that are specific and, ya know, challenging. Some of the prompts in "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" can be pretty challenging. I mean, I can write on any prompt, but naturally you're not going to be feeling every single prompt. You're going to have days where it's challenging to write something that you're satisfied with because you don't click with the prompt. To me, that's super fun. You get to explore topics that you never would have thought about or written about.If 30DBC was like, "Hey, you guys just write one blog entry a day for the entire month. No prompts. Just off the dome. I know you're gonna do great!! " I don't think it would be as successful as it is. For some people, that would be pretty challenging, but it's not specific, and it's therefore discouraging.In "real life" (not work, school, or WDC), I really enjoy a good challenge. I feel like I do well with my back against a wall ( ). I get bored extremely easily and I'll make my own excitement if things get too tedious for me. People tell me that I’m difficult sometimes, but “difficult” has such a bad connotation. I’d rather be around someone who’s a bit challenging than someone who’s overly boring. The caveat is that I have to actually like the person. If I like you and you’re challenging, cool, let’s go. If I don’t like you and you’re challenging, you can piss right off. I know I’m not the only one who’s like this. I don’t mind situations that cause a bit of unrest. I’m comfortable with complex situations that make me feel 10 different emotions simultaneously. But if it gets difficult to the point where it feels impossible or I’m completely depleted of all energy, yeah, I’ll demotivate very quickly. After all these implements and texts designed by intellects So vexed to find, evidently there's still so much that hides |
Artist: Wolf Parade Song: I'll Believe in Anything [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Prompt via "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" : Write your entry inspired by the word “nurture.” What does it mean to nurture something or someone? How were you nurtured growing up, how are you currently nurtured, and how do you nurture others? Webster dictionary defines "nurture" as... Just kidding. When I think of a nurturing person, I think of a gardener. You know, taking care of something fragile (like a plant) so that it may grow and blossom. Nurturing is about supporting something (or someone) so that it may reach its full potential. Nurturing doesn't count debts or hold conditions. It isn't a "you rub my back, I'll rub yours" situation. When you nurture someone, you're taking on the responsibility of fostering another person's growth. That's why it's so incredibly important to make sure that you're ready for the commitment of raising a child before you have one. Because that's what nurturing really is - commitment to the well-being of someone else. Anyone who has read my blog, like, even a couple times knows that I was not very nurtured as a child. I don't have many good memories. I always knew I would have to confront the past someday. When I started speaking to my family again, I knew that history was going to catch up to us, even with how incredibly avoidant my family is, generally speaking. I keep saying that I'm not ready for that. I'm not ready to confront things. I'm not ready to forgive. And, besides, no one is ready to apologize. But you don't always get to decide these things. To quote Bret Easton Ellis: “But this was what happened when you didn't want to visit and confront the past: the past starts visiting and confronting you.” Within the last couple years, the past has been visiting and confronting me. All the ways I've been seeking nurturing, subtle or obvious, have started coming together. Gears are turning, things are clicking. I think I tried not to think about what certain relationships might represent. I tried to not see correlation or causation between anything. In hindsight, it's common sense. Being with people who are my parents' age, allowing myself to be controlled, being under someone else's thumb... It spells out one thing for me: structure It's stable. It's flattering. Someone wants to spend their time taking care of you. Someone wants to spend their money spoiling you. Someone wants to nurture you. I've seen it in all of my relationships, all my friendships. I attract people who will take care of me. People who will be patient and sympathetic. There's something so comforting about someone who thinks they know what's best for you. When someone is willing to lay out a plan for you and tell you what to do. When they're willing to follow up on that and push you to reach your potential, it fills me with warmth. And both good people and bad people can pick up on that. They can sense that need to be coddled. There is nothing that feels closer to nurturing than protection. I will melt in the hands of any person that deems me valuable enough to protect. The reason so many of my friendships are toxic is because of this though. I attract people who are willing to sacrifice a lot of time, money, and effort to protect me. Mostly from myself. And when I can't return the affection and nurturing they give to me, they feel wronged. They feel like I've used them to get something I need and then tossed them aside. It's not all bad though. In fact, I refuse to believe it's even mostly bad. I've met so many people right here on this site that have nurtured me through the years in a healthy, safe way. There have been so many people who have kept my spirits up when I couldn't do that for myself. People have emotionally supported and stabilized me as needed without the expectation of return on investment. They've pointed out the good in me, even when I couldn't see it. They've supported my endeavors as long as my endeavors were aiding my growth. That's the good kind of nurturing, right? The problem is that I mix up the good kind of nurturing and the bad kind of nurturing. I blur a lot of lines. I don't set any boundaries. And I rarely speak up, even when I know that something is unhealthy. I do it willingly because those brief moments of warmth that spread through me when I'm being cared for outweigh the pain and confusion of every other moment. You can't ever fill such a deep void, but you can keep pouring gasoline on a fire to maintain a flicker of warmth. To those of you who have willingly sacrificed your resources and capabilities to nurture the growth of someone who depended on you fully, I commend you. The level of dedication that takes is terrifying to me. You can completely shape someone's future by nurturing their potential, and I have the maddest respect for any of you who have chosen to give that gift to another person. Happy Mother's Day to all of our nurturing WDC moms!  Give me your eyes I need sunshine |
Artist: Miike Snow Song: Animal [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Prompt via "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" : Write your entry today from the perspective of an animal. You could choose a pet, a lioness on the hunt, a rhino being pursued by poachers, or any other animal of your choice. Stuffed Each hole in the wall told a story. I'd witnessed it all, lying dormant, bulging button eye d a n g l i n g from a cotton socket, fur matted from choked sobs, white hot everything. You thought we were both defective, mummified in synthetic safety- (your feet carefully tucked) flashlight drumming a steady click click click strobelight tent, red display alarm clock taunting in its st-st-stutter countdown pending daylight. I'm still trying to make my mind up Am I free or am I tied up? |
Artist: The Beatles Song: Birthday [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Prompt via "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" : Fact! Today is GrueSum1 's birthday!   Write something to celebrate the dedicated Head Judge of the "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" . Awww, this is a really sweet idea, Em.  I think one of the ways Jim impacts all of us on WDC is with his "Anniversary Reviews" . If you open up a review and see  HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews"  in it, you can thank his forum for that. I've been on the site since 2014 and giving reviews was one of the ways I got to meet a lot of writers on the site. The other way was blogging. The Anniversary Reviews Forum is so easy to navigate and great for people who are shy or new because you don't need to join a group or anything. You can just jump right in whenever.In fact, here's one of my first Anniversary reviews that I gave back in 2015: Review of "Lie to me"  by Charlie ~  Aside from that, I think we're all familiar with Jim's very punny dad jokes found in:
If you're not following Jim on your newsfeed, you're missing out on the opportunity to roll your eyes (and smile) at least once a day. Let's look at Jim's zodiac and see if it sounds like him? May 10th is Taurus.Strengths: Reliable, patient, practical, devoted, responsible, stable Weaknesses: Stubborn, possessive, uncompromising Taurus likes: Gardening, cooking, music, romance, high quality clothes, working with hands Taurus dislikes: Sudden changes, complications, insecurity of any kind, synthetic fabrics Okay, not gonna lie, this whole fabric/clothing thing is cracking me up. Never took Jim as a fashion snob.   And on likes, we're totally missing traveling, which Jim does all the time: "What Is Sum1 Up To Today?" ; "Pictures From My Travels & More" This goes back to the horoscope prompt we all did earlier this year when we were like, literally NO ONE likes complications. I've never met someone who was like, "Hey, you know what I hope happens today? COMPLICATIONS." To close out, here's a super corny joke: Person 1: Have you heard of Pavlov's dogs? Person 2: It rings a bell.  ![Merit Badge in Selfless
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Happy birthday, Jim! Thanks for all you do on WDC! *^*Balloonb*^* *^*Heartb*^*](https://images.Writing.Com/imgs/writing.com/writers/badges/general-Selfless.gif) Happy birthday, GrueSum1 !!  |
Artist: Bright Eyes Song: Another Travelin' Song [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Prompt via "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" : What is the farthest you've ever been from the place you call "home?" Yikes, I'm not doing super great on keeping up with things these past couple days. My summer classes started and I'm also working a lot of hours. That's not really why I've been a bit MIA though. I'm really disconnected right now from anything that feels like "work" and literally everything can feel like work. Anything that's time consuming, even reading a book, feels like work to me right now. I've basically just been hanging out with friends and laying in bed because it's the most mindless thing I can do. I'm going to bed at like 5 or 6 in the morning and taking copious naps throughout the day. It's just... chill time. Anyway, I've been coast to coast US. I've never been off the mainland. To be totally honest, travel isn't an interest of mine. Most of the traveling I've done has been to get from one place to another. I find vacations to be stressful and I'd rather spend my free time catching up with friends locally who I've been too busy to get drinks with and just hang out. I have gone on vacations, but never out of the country. They require a lot of planning, especially because I have pets that have to be boarded if I'm gone for a long time. So there's like flight plans, hotel arrangements, and then what you're gonna actually do there. It's not for me. When I do travel, it's typically super off the cuff and I just kind of find my destination whenever I get there. I don't follow an itinerary or do touristy things. Travel just honestly isn't for me right now though. I know it's supposed to make you cultured and all that, but I've had more experiences at my age than most people do at double my age. That's not meant to be condescending. It's not even probably a good thing. But I'm basically just not worried about living inside a bubble, because I don't. I think other people traveling is cool though. My in-laws do it a lot and I like to listen to them talk about places they visited and people they met. I like to look at their travel pictures and stuff like that. I guess a lot of people don't like to hear about other people's travels, because I have several family members who travel abroad frequently and they tell me that it's hard to find someone who's generally interested in where they've been or what they've done. They'll bring me back something from the countries they've visited, like some kind of trinket or candy or whatever. I think it's super interesting, it's just not for me at this point in my life. There's a word I can't remember And a feeling I cannot escape |
Artist: Elton John Song: Rocket Man [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Prompt via "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" :In the future, if space travel became possible, would you want to go? What would most influence your decision whether or not to leave Earth? I'm pretty terrified of outer space and deep sea, so my initial reaction to this is no, no, no. There's just something about unknown, unexplored places that makes me super uncomfortable. When I see pictures of giant sea creatures, it makes me wanna gag. They can stay in their habitat and I'll stay in mine. The thing about unknown is that it can be as bad as your imagination is. So, if you have an expansive imagination, you can create something much worse than what most likely exists. Nothing can prove you wrong because it's unknown to all.So, after the giant NOPE, my next two thoughts: safety & cost. Right? Because, unless you don't care about dying, safety is gonna come to mind. How safe is it? Where are we going in space? How many times has this specific space travel been done? What problems have happened in the past and how do we know those things won't happen again? What type of training is needed? What kind of waiver do I have to sign about my family not suing if my body gets launched into the great abyss? Also, how much does it cost? I'd imagine space travel would be obscenely expensive. Even after it was a more commonplace venture, it would still cost more than myself or most people would probably have.  I'm trying to stop looking at it analytically, but I just can't. My brain can't take a different perspective. Like, even if I start thinking about it from the perspective of, like, what's going on in my life in the future... Because that could totally influence my decision on whether or not to go. Like if I had a family and career, I doubt I'd take the time off to travel to space, even if it was safe or affordable. But if I found myself in a position where I didn't have very much responsibility back on Earth, and it was safe and affordable, then why not? Oh right, because the unknown space creatures would murder me in the face. Okay, I think I got it. I would only want to travel to space under the following conditions: 1) It was safe 2) It was affordable 3) I didn't have a bunch of shit to tend to on Earth 4) I overcame my fear of unknown space creatures So, basically, no, I wouldn't want to go. And I think it's gonna be a long, long time 'Til touchdown brings me 'round again to find I'm not the man they think I am at home |
Artist: Sorority Noise Song: Art School Wannabe [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Prompt via "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" :They say art is subjective. What is art to you? For me, art is about the artist, not about the viewer. Which would explain why so many of my poems leave people going, “huh?”  Even though I’m sharing my writing here with people, I write for myself and only myself. The best I can hope for is that if you read a poem of mine, you feel 10% of what I was feeling when I wrote it. I call that successful. This is such an open prompt, I’ll ramble if I don’t structure it a little, so let’s try that.Art vs Not Art So, there’s two different perspectives here. The artist’s and the spectator’s. For the artist, art is probably something that allows them to express something whether it’s a story, a mood, a feeling, an idea, or something else entirely. When creating art, I think an artist is releasing something. They’re trapping it on paper or canvas or whatever. For the spectator, it’s pretty much the exact opposite. It’s a story, mood, feeling, or idea that they’re receiving through art. I think spectators are able to relate their own experiences and perspective to their chosen art. They choose to receive what they receive because they have a “hey, me too” moment when viewing the work. I’m sure there’s a much more technical definition. Sure, you could talk about the collection of skills and tools required to make the art. You could talk about the process from conception to finished product. But at the end of the day, I really think it’s about release (for artist) and evocation (for spectator). Good vs Bad Art The more difficult thing to define is whether a piece of art is good, bad, or in between. In fact, I think it’s fairly impossible. There are a lot of forms of art and within those forms there are a lot of artists who are generally accepted as the “greatest” of the genre. But even that doesn’t really tell us much about good vs bad art. Most of the time, that actually just tells us popular vs. not. I’ve met people who absolutely loathe certain movies, books, and musicians who are often thought of as the best of all time. Whether they’re just being adversarial isn’t really relevant. The point is that even among the most commonly accepted “good” artists, there are still people who are wholly unimpressed with the artwork. And at the same time, there are many underground or unknown artists whose fans think they’re way underrated. There are a lot of technically artists who are honestly just drab as fuck. Like, increasingly boring to read or view in any capacity. And while I can acknowledge and appreciate that their technical skill is great, they lack the innate ability to create long-lasting impact. If we’re going by the definition above, I guess good art would be something that releases something for the artist and that release evokes something for the spectator. I think that’s the best summary I can give for this one. Maybe I'm my own greatest fear maybe I'm just scared to admit that I might not be as dark as I think |
Artist: Depeche Mode Song: Enjoy the Silence [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Prompt via "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" : Regarding your craft of writing, is there something specific you want to improve on or give more attention? What steps will you take to motivate yourself? I mean, at this point the biggest thing I need to do is write. I can't express how difficult it has been the past few years to write a research paper on corporate fraud and then turn around and try to do creative writing five minutes later. It just straight up doesn't work for me. Every time I try to write something, financial or business terms just start slipping into the poem completely without my consent. I'm surrounded by certain verbiage all day and when I try to shrug that off and write something unrelated, the language is still present. It's like talking to my brother. He talks like a lawyer all.the.time. He can't help it. Ever since he went through law school, it completely changed his cadence and his word choice. To me, it's like learning any new language. You can unlearn it unless you stop using it. When you're using it all the time, you're exercising that muscle and it's almost reflexive for that new language to spill out. I've tried writing quite a bit. It's partially a lack of time during the semester, but it's mostly that when I do write something, it's very heavy on business school lingo and I just end up hating it. Case in point: "Invalid Entry" . Written April 1st. I don't think there's any one specific thing I want to improve. If I could creatively write at all and be halfway content with it, I'd settle for that. It's one of those situations where you could advise a friend, but can't take your own advice. Like, if I were talking to someone else in my situation, I'd be like, well, hey, just write whatever you can write and you'll slowly be able to phase out the professional lingo. But I'm not able to get myself to actually do that. But, it's summer break now. I don't really get a full break as summer classes have just started and I'm also working, but it's a break comparably speaking to the spring and fall semesters. I plan to get back into the habit of writing, and here's my plan for doing that: Blogging. It doesn't always help inspire my creative writing, but it connects me to the WDC community which often inspires me to be more involved with some of the creative writing challenges on the site. Naturally, you just talk to more people and see more activities going on around the site. Blogging doesn't really quench my writing thirst the way a poetry challenge or writing a short story does. I love blogging though and I'm 100% sure I would not have stuck around the site had it not been for finding the blogging community within WDC. Journaling. I'm trying to get back into personal journaling. I'm pretty honest in my blog, but nothing even comparable to the things I'll write about in a journal. Here, I'll skirt around a topic without calling it by name and it will go quietly unnoticed usually. In my personal journal, I'll lay allll the shit out on the line in explicit detail because I'm the only one reading it. What I like about journaling is not only the collection of memories to look back on, but also the fact that it helps clear my mind and give me space for other things, like creative writing, for example. Baby steps. As I said, I've not written much at all in the past few years. It's tempting to try to throw myself headfirst into big projects or commitments, but I'm not about that right now. I'm trying to keep my commitments to a minimum so that I won't get overwhelmed and give up before I've given myself a proper chance to start. Instead of saying, okay, I'm gonna do this year-long challenge, I'm trying to make more realistic goals. Like, maybe I'll enter this one time contest. Or maybe I won't enter at all. Maybe I'll write something using the contest's prompt and keep it to myself for now. Sometimes you really have to reduce your plans to almost nothing just to get things rolling, and I'm totally prepared to do that. Reading. We've all heard it, you can't write if you don't read. Countless writers have said it in a myriad of ways. If you want to improve your writing, you have to expand your reading. I have a stockpile of books I've been intending to read for years. Last year, I only managed to read maybe 10 books. This year, so far, I've only read 2 and we're in May.  But with more time on my hands, I'm hoping to read 5 books over summer. That should put me on track to read 10 books again this year. Other hobbies. I think other hobbies are just as important to writing as actually writing. Things like watching movies, going to concerts, seeing friends... They all have the potential to spark writing ideas. I mean, at least 80% of the poems I write are just straight from personal experience. I like to tell a story with everything I write, and the more things you do, the more stories you have to write. I also think it's a good idea to not focus all of your effort into one thing because it comes off as forced to me. And forced isn't fun. That being said... Force. If all else fails, you sometimes do have to force yourself to start and see where it goes. What I need is to be able to just write something without judging myself on what I wrote. It's a control issue, like, I don't want to write something if it's not at least halfway decent. I'd rather just not write at all. I've had that mentality for a long time and that's what has created my dry spell in writing. So, if I have to force myself to write just to get back into the habit, that's what's going to happen, whether I like it or not.  Words like violence Break the silence Come crashing in Into my little world |
Artist: Supergrass Song: Alright [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Prompt via "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" : Happy Sunday! Take the time in your blog today to reflect on your week. Share one thing you accomplished this week and one thing you hope to accomplish next week. Well, I wrote about the first few days of my week here: "Invalid Entry" Overall, a super typical finals week for me. As far as how well the week went, well, I guess it depends who you ask. Apparently, I feel like I did better this week than some of the people around me feel like I did this week. Let’s just break this down though. Since last Sunday I... 1. Took and passed all of my final exams. I had a ton of super difficult accounting and finance classes this semester, since I’m a senior and that’s my major... The coursework is exceedingly dense and tedious. I personally think a lot of people would struggle to successfully complete the classes. I struggle, all my friends do too and we’re majoring in this shit. So, like, I think the average person would find it challenging at the very least. Not that it matters, but I finished really well in all of my classes.2. Paid my rent. I know it’s not much since you’re just expected to do that shit anyway, but when you don’t have a stable income, it’s super fucking difficult to do. I don’t have any support, like familial support or government support. There’s nothing wrong with either of those things, I’m just saying that I don’t have those things. So coming up with money every month is an endeavor, to say the least. I do what I can. 3. Was active on WDC. Even with finals and needing to come up with rent, I launched May’s mental health awareness challenge with "Invalid Item" and the group has done, like, 60 mental health reviews around the site in the first few days of May. So, that’s super awesome. I’ve also managed to write a blog entry every day, which doesn’t take too long, but it’s still something I have to actively put on my plate and get done. I try to write my entries at night the day before they’re due because if I leave it until the morning, I’ll just get way too busy and end up forgetting about it. I’m also catching up with other bloggers, which is the best part.All things considered, I think I’ve done a pretty good job this week. There were situations I could’ve handled better. Maybe I just have low expectations for myself. I have a lot of people who are frustrated with me. One of the problems is just that I intimately know too many people. They’ve all got their opinions on, like, what I should be doing or shouldn’t be doing. Everyone’s an expert, I guess. Something I’ve been hearing a lot lately, which is strange for me, is that I’m lacking empathy. Only in the past year or so have I been told that I lack empathy. I’ve always seen it as one of my strongest traits. I’m trying to figure out if “lacking empathy” is code for “not telling me what I want to hear” or if I’m legitimately lacking empathy. On one hand, I’m like, there’s no way they I of all people could lack empathy. On the other hand, I’m completely detached and feel nothing like 90% of the time. So, we’ll file that under maybe. The thing is that I’m really tired. And not the kind of tired that you can just sleep off either. I kind of jump to that when I get called out on something. I’m like, “I’m so tired.” But lately, I’m at the point where I don’t even see a reason to defend myself. I know people are sick of me, but I’m sick of myself too. I’m kinda just throwing my hands up along with other people like, “I know, dude, what is my fucking problem??” And I think that’s where the lack of empathy thing is coming in. Because when someone confronts me about something. And, just as a sidenote here, there are a lot of people to confront me. If anything ever happened to me, the web of people the police would have to map out would be absurd. I’ve got like a love octagon going on over. Skipped straight from a triangle, over a square and a pentagon and a hexagon, straight to an octagon. What I’m saying is, there are a lot of people who are in my business and feel close enough to me to feel comfortable telling me what to do and confronting me if I don’t do that. The point is, I think the lack of empathy thing is coming from the fact that I’m so tired of dealing with people and I’m so tired of myself that I’m just like “Ha, yeah, you’re right. I suck. Oh well.” And it’s coming across like, “Cool, I don’t give a fuck.” And maybe I don’t. I have no way of knowing. Yikes, are you regretting asking this question yet, Emily? You guys are the best listeners because you can’t interrupt me. So, personally, I think I accomplished a lot this week. And I think I did the best I could. Next week, my biggest goal is to relax. I’m coming off of the semester, and even though I have summer classes starting, it should be way less intense. I’m just going to hang out here and do some reviews. Maybe catch up on some TV shows and movies I’ve been meaning to watch. Definitely finish the book I started in January. And overall just try not to stress out too much. Best-laid plans, right? But we are young, we get by Can't go mad, ain't got time Sleep around if we like But we're alright |
Artist: Tool Song: Right in Two [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Prompt via "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" : Stand outside for two minutes. Make a list of ten things you can smell, ten things you can hear, and ten things you can feel. Just enough time for a smoke break. Don't mind if I do. I finished my final exams this morning and then slept on and off for the rest of the day. I'm tired. The burnout is real. I only have a handful of classes left, but knowing I've gotta start the summer round in 2 days has got me feeling some kinda way. I'm so close to the finish line, but I'm feeling like I dunno if I can do this. I was so detached from myself and everything else the first month of this semester. I thought I was going to have to drop my classes because I hadn't really done anything for weeks. But I pulled through that. I can pull through the summer and fall. I live in the city and it's a Friday night. It's not nice out though. It's around 45 degrees out and raining a little bit. This feels like a grounding exercise one of my therapists would give me for when I'm dissociating. I'm down though. Let's do it.Things I can smell: 1) Rain. It smells like that humid spring kind of rain even though it's pretty cold out. Recently found out that this after rain smell is called by a chemical compound called geosmin .2) Grass. I think my apartment complex has already mowed the grass this spring and the rain is making it smell even more so like grass. 3) Smoke. Er, because I'm smoking...  4) Dogs? Not sure, kind of smells like dogs which would not be surprising because a lot of people have them here. 5) Flowers. The landscaping is pretty nice. There are flower beds on the sides of the buildings here. 6) Trees. I don't know what kind of trees are planted here, but they make me sneeze a lot at this time of year. They have like this white petal things that get all of your car. Maybe someone else knows what they are.7) Pavement. A lot of cars going by so there's that tire on pavement and gasoline smell you get in cities. 8) Perfume/Cologne. A few people walked by while I was out. 9) Fresh air. I don't know how to describe that smell, but like, crisp or cold air has a distinct smell. 10) Food. Not sure where it's coming from but it smells kind of like fries or something vaguely greasy. Things I can hear: 1) Car horns. Always get some of those when I'm outside for a couple minutes. 2) Sirens. Again, always. 3) Shouting. Not angry shouting, more like someone who's just talking excitedly. 4) Music. I can't make out what kind of music, but I can hear the bass from one of the apartments. 5) Rain falling. One of my favorite sounds to sleep to. If only rain didn't give me headaches. 6) Dogs barking. I think there are more dogs here than people. 7) A baby crying. Luckily, my direct next door neighbor doesn't have a baby, but someone nearby does. 8) Footsteps. People walking by kind of squelching on the wet grass. 9) Birds. They got tricked into thinking winter was over. 10) Banging noises. Not sure, maybe a hammer or someone moving something. Thing I can feel: 1) Rain. I'm standing under the eave thing but the rain is still angling a bit. 2) Humidity(?) Question mark because I'm not sure if it's sticky out because of humidity or if it's just the rain. 3) Pavement/Pebbles. Who does kick rocks when they're outside? 4) Wind. Very light (especially for us), but still there. 5) Bugs. A bug landed on me. I somehow survived the vicious attack. 6) My phone. Yeah, you're not gonna pry all of my electronics from my grip. 7) Lights. When you have a headache, you can totally feel the streetlights when you look at them. 8) Cold. Did I mention I'm fucking cold? 9) Brick. Leaning against the side of the building so I can feel the brick wall against my back. 10) Energy. Outside just has that outside energy. I always feel like anything could happen. Hmm, well, that was challenging! I'm kind of glad it was raining otherwise I would've had to think of, like, 5 more things. Thanks, May showers, I guess.Little exercises like this are really great when you're feeling anxious or worried about something. I'm not going to say they work long term for those issues, but there's just like this peace of being in the moment and noting all the things you can sense with all of your senses. I've long done grounding exercises, especially when I'm feeling panicky because, if nothing else, they provide a brief distraction from whatever's going on. Highly recommended.  Angels on the sideline Puzzled and amused Why did Father give these humans free will? Now they're all confused |
Artist: Rage Against The Machine Song: Testify [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Prompt via "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" : Tell us a fact about one of your ancestors. Where does your family come from? How far back can you trace your ancestry? My first thought seeing this prompt was "oh no." I don't know very much about my lineage. I don't talk to my father's side of the family at all. I haven't seen or spoken to them since I was, like, sixteen. The only thing I know about that side of the family is that my great grandmother on that side was a Native American from Nebraska. If I ever met her, it was before I was able to form memories. I've got nothing else from that side except that my surname is English, which doesn't tell me much because I'm obviously western european. On my maternal side, all I can go by is surnames too. I know there's Irish and German on that side. I never met any of my great grandparents on that side or anything, so I don't really know anything beyond my grandparents on either side. I know some people get super into ancestry. Elle will probably have a field day with this prompt. Personally, I was never too interested in finding out about my lineage. There's no explanation for why, it's just not one of my interests. I remember having some family tree project in 2nd or 3rd grade. My grandmother helped me track back her mother and grandmother, but she didn't know her father and my grandfather didn't know his father either. So we basically just had my great grandmother from my maternal grandparents and then I had a couple great grandparents from my paternal side.It amounted to, um, not much. Nothing very "interesting" popped up. Probably because we weren't able to trace far enough back. I remember kids in my class coming in with these decked out family trees, like dating back to family members on the Titanic or relations to old presidents. And I was just kinda like, "uh, so, both of my maternal great grandfathers were alcoholics. one of my paternal great grandparents was a native american... yeah..." Like, I had nothing to say. One thing I do know is that there is a ton of addiction and mental health issues on my mother's side of the family. Both of my maternal grandparents had several siblings commit suicide. I know my paternal grandfather's side of the family, though I've not seen them in a long time and I don't talk to them. Most of them have severe mental illnesses. A lot of the family on that side that I knew growing up are dead now. My second cousin got HIV from his boyfriend and died. Two of my great uncles that I knew growing up committed suicide. And that's the side of my family I did spend time with frequently during childhood. I don't know what's up with the other side except that my dad didn't get along with his parents so we rarely spoke of them and even more rarely actually saw them. I wish I could tell you guys something more positive! Like, I wish I could say I'm related to George Washington or Thomas Edison or even just something cool like being related to an astronaut. But I'd just be lying at that point. I do want to clarify though... when I say that I have no interest in genealogy, I specifically mean my genealogy. I'm in my twenties and I'm not ready to reconcile or explore anything familial at this point. I am looking forward to reading other people's entries though. I think we'll get some cool ancestry stories. It's right outside your door, now testify |
Artist: Bright Eyes Song: Lua [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Prompt via "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" : Remember bringing something from home for “Show and Tell” at school when we were little? Today, I want you to do the same in your blog. Pick an object that means something to you and describe it. What does it remind you of? How did the object come into your life? Does it bring you comfort? What is the story behind the object? I'm feeling calmer now. I haven't slept yet, but I've collected my thoughts and I'm less hyped up. Hopefully I can write a little bit more coherently than my earlier entry. This is a normal thing for me, by the way. I get really worked up during final exams or midterms, well, really any time I have a lot on my plate. I get that frantic pressured speech thing. I didn't notice it until my therapist pointed it out last fall. My last exam is on Friday and there's a 100% chance that I'm going to crash after that and lay in bed for like three days. I have no idea why. I get really down after the hype wears off. So, an object... To be honest, I don't remember actually doing Show and Tell in school. I remember seeing it in movies and tv shows and stuff, but maybe Catholics don't believe in showing and telling things. I do understand the concept of it though, and I think it's kind of a cute way to see what's important to a kid. I'd love to see what my niece would be excited to show, for example. Kids' minds are just so pure and unabashed. A while ago, I decided I was going to stop being afraid of things. Sounds weird, but I swear this will tie in. For example, if you're afraid of spiders and think you see one crawl under the table in your peripheral. I used to be the type of person that would ignore it. Like, just completely pretend I didn't see it. I was very avoidant in this way. It caused me less anxiety to pretend the potential spider just wasn't there than to actually move closer and confirm one way or the other. This is something that has always really bothered me about myself. Spending so much time being anxious about potential "what-ifs" makes you constantly teeter on this line of general anxiety. To counter it, I recently decided to just look. Obviously, the spider is a metaphor here. I decided this rather impulsively and I don't even remember the circumstances around this decision. And it's still a very impulsive thing. I catch myself thinking about and then actively avoiding a "what-if" and then I just impulsively face the potential thing. I've got no more Schrodinger's anxiety about if something is a problem or not because I know instantly one way or the other now. So, an object... The thing is, I don't really have any objects of which I have emotional attachment. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I don't have anything from my childhood. Not a single thing. Not a stuffed animal, a blanket, a book, a family heirloom... I just literally don't have anything that I had in childhood. When I left my parents' house at 16, my dad destroyed all of my belongings, including any childhood photographs of me or any physical belongings that I would've carried into adulthood. Throughout the years, I've moved so many times that I've never really acquired new things. I have some electronics, some books, I have a couple journals. But I don't have any physical item that I could stand up in front of someone and say, "Hey, lookie at this very meaningful thing I have." Because of that, I've gotten very minimalistic with my possessions. I don't want to have belongings. Things tether you and I don't need to be tethered. I view my body as my worldly possession. It's mine to do whatever I'd like. I look at my hands and I think of all they've done. All they've created, all they will create, all that they've been through. I know it probably sounds pretentious or something, but I rely on my body a lot this way. Being able to just look at my body and knowing where I've been and what I've been through. I find it to be so comforting in a "If you could do that, you can do this" kind of way. You can't take things with you when you go. We all know that. So I hold things within my body and my soul. Memories, secrets, experiences. Things that are all mine. Things that could never be represented by a physical object. So, an object... I don't know if you caught that tie in. But I think what I was trying to say is that I'm relying on my body to urge myself to be more impulsive with confronting potential issues. I don't know if that makes sense. I find comfort within myself. Reminding myself that no matter what is under the "table" I've likely been through worse. My body will withstand whatever I may be confronted with. I know I can't sit here and describe to you my scrawny-ass body and have it be like, "Oh, okay, great, Charlie. I totally get it." I know we're looking for an actual object that can be, ya know, shown. I'm trying. The only thing more replaceable than people is things. Well, I do have one thing... When my grandmother was alive, her favorite thing to do was crossword puzzles. As a kid, I would lie on her couch and she'd say, "What's a 4-letter word for command?" "What's an 8-letter word for milestone?" Anyway, when she died, my grandfather gave me the crossword puzzle book that she had been working on. She was in the middle of a puzzle about 2/3 of the way through the book. Anyone who has lost a loved one, especially suddenly, knows how painful those half-finished things are. Half-used lipstick, bookmarks in half-read books, unkept dinner plans. Every time I see this crossword puzzle book, my stomach just turns. Knowing that she was actively working her way through this puzzle with no idea that she was about to die... That hurts. I'm not sure what the trouble was that started all of this. The reasons all have run away, but the feeling never did. |
Artist: Brand New Song: The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Prompt via "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" : Crazy as it may sound, we are now officially 1/3 of the way through 2019. Write about some of your goals and plans for the remainder of the year. What are you looking forward to? Being a third of the way through the year doesn't sound crazy to me at all. I feel like I've lived 2019 three times as is. Anyway, welcome back. I haven't written in my blog in over a month. I miss you guys always. Let me start by saying that I'm currently in the middle of finals week and I think even if I actively attempted to wear myself out, I wouldn't be as fucking tired as I am at this very moment. It's not just final exams and school shit, it's the constant pressure from every angle. Constantly trying to make enough money to cover bills. Constantly trying to cover for school group members who aren't able or willing to carry their share of the weight. And constantly having confrontation with the toxic people around me. Don't worry, I know I'm toxic too. Here, let me just reflect on my past 48 hours so you can get an idea of what my day-to-day is looking like. On Monday, I had a final exam that I'd spent most of the weekend studying for. Walking out of that exam, I had a final group project presentation 45 minutes later. When I got out of the exam, I had about 30 messages from team members freaking out because they didn't know their parts, they forgot what time the presentation was, etc... So, I ran across campus gathering random members from my group along the way, because apparently none of them know our campus well enough to meet at a designated point? I went over everyone's part with them and helped them create notecards for their parts. Why do I know their parts so well? Because I wrote 80% of them by myself. After all this, we showed up with less than 2 minutes to spare and stumbled through it horribly. Yesterday, I had to meet with my professor who I'm the teaching assistant for. She's flipping the fuck out because she's sick and hasn't been able to do anything all weekend. She canceled all her classes on Monday. She needs all this shit by the 5th of May and there's no time for her to do it with administering final exams and grading them all week. Blah, blah, blah. By the way, I'm still in this lady's class. Like, I still have to take her final this week. We're in her office and she's totally freaking out about how she told the university she couldn't teach all these classes this semester and she's sick and so on. Of course, I'm like, okay, just max out my hours this week and give me a list of shit that needs to get done. The max I can work at the university is 30 hours a week. She's, like, asking me how I'm gonna do all my finals and work 30 hours, and I'm like I don't really know, but I'll get it done. I take her list of things that need to be done by Saturday and off I go. Then I got everything set up for "Invalid Item" to do our Mental Health Awareness Month thing in May. I pulled all the items from the survey submissions for "Invalid Item" and updated the forum to reflect what we're doing in May.Today's the 1st of the month. I had a final to take in the morning and I was short on rent, so I was like, okay, I need to go out and try to get this money. But also, I knew that I didn't know the material for my final this morning. I ended up staying at home and studying until like 12:30 or 1 in the morning my time and then I went out. I went to this guys's house who I don't really know very well. He lives in the suburbs kind of far from my school. I figured I'd just stay there for a while and then go back home at around 5 in the morning, sleep a couple hours and then go take my final. The night was completely bizarre and uncomfortable. Then I suddenly wake up, like, bolt upright in a complete panic. And I've got no idea where I'm at or what time it is. It took me a good 45 seconds to even remember where I was or what was happening. I grab my phone and see that I have an hour until my final starts, so I'm freaking out because this isn't a super awesome time to try to get to my campus from that area. I kind of stumbled around and when I tried to leave, I walked into a laundry room. I legit tried like 2 or 3 different doors before I found one that actually let me out of this guy's place.I contacted my friend who lives on that side of the city and is in class with me. She tells me she's just getting coffee and if I can find the intersection where I am she can come get me. So I kind of wander around this subdivision looking for an intersection but all the streets are named like the same fucking thing. Like, Circle Drive and Circle Center and Circle Road or some bullshit like that. I was like, what the fuck... We hooked up eventually and rushed to school. We parked 3 minutes before our exam was starting and legit ran to our building. The professor was not super happy with us when we busted in all out of breath like a minute late. So, that's what I've been up to the past 48 hours. I have one more final exam this week, one more final project due, and then I need to work 30 hours for my TA role before Saturday, and I've done... no hours so far. At this point, I know this is manic and rambling. I'm going to try to focus my mind for a minute and actually answer the prompt. This year, I'm looking forward to graduating. I only have a handful of classes left in my degree. I'm going to do a couple over summer and then a few more during the fall semester. By mid-December, I should be taking my final final exams of my degree. I'm hearing from a lot of recruiters on a regular basis, so I don't think I'll have too much trouble finding a steady, stable job when I graduate. Accounting and finance are pretty stable fields to begin with, to be fair. That's my major event of the year, I guess. That's what I've been working toward for years. I don't know if you can tell from this entry, or if you've even been able to make it this far into the entry, but I'm trying really hard at all these things I'm doing. I'm putting forth a lot of effort for school. I'm trying to be there to support my group members and ease up the stress on the professor that I'm working with. I have a lot of pressure to pay bills and keep my grades up, and I'm willing to do so much to make those things happen. As far as WDC goes, I have my one group and I focus a lot of attention on it. I don't like to half do things. I don't know how to half do things. The problem is that a lot of it feels like spinning my wheels. You know when your input is really high and the output is really low? It feels like that. I'm spending so much time studying so that I can get pretty much the same grades as everyone else. Because a huge component of all of my classes is group work, I'm carrying people's grades on the group part and they have more time to focus on the individual things like exams. So I'll end up getting the same or worse final grades than my group members because they get the same group grade I get and then they get the same or better individual grades. I'm putting myself at a lot of risk just to breakeven on bills. I'm not saving money at all, I'm going into more debt every semester, and I'm having to scrounge for money just to pay rent. I don't even want to think about the long run psychological damage I'm doing to myself, let alone the most basic risk of like, hey, what if someone murders you for fun? WDC has been pretty slow. I know people don't wanna say it, so, I will. People got overly obsessed with gaining community recognition so there is no longer intrinsic motivation in participating in activities. There is this constant, "What do I get out of it?" mentality that is really sad to see from a site that had so many active participants spending hours on challenges with little or no promise of external reward of any sort. Over half of the people I love so much on WDC are rarely here anymore. When they are here, it's like they disappear again almost immediately. And that's not a knock on the people who are still super active. I've made a lot of really great friends even recently and I wouldn't trade that for anything. The people here are so nonjudgmental and accepting of me, I would never leave the site. That being said, I know a lot of the people running activities on the site are getting tired. They're getting tired of putting in a lot of effort and having little in the way of participation. I know this because they've told me about their experience with this and how difficult it is to run a fundraiser or an auction or a contest or whatever. I think it's sad to see challenges going on hiatus or shutting down because of lack of participation, or lack of quality participation. I'm not knocking WDC. I just miss a lot of my old friends and I think the community has lost some of its motivation. Correct me if I'm wrong. Maybe I'm just so busy with all the other shit going on that I've lost track of where people are participating or what they're doing. I don't know. I don't know what I'm talking about. The point is, I'm looking forward to finals being over because it will free up some of my time. I'm looking forward to graduating at the end of the year and starting an actual career that has a steady, stable income. It's not like you get a Bachelor's degree every year, so this should be a big one for me. If it makes you less sad We'll start talking again You can tell me how vile I already know that I am |
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