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 |  A journey of self-improvement - or not. |
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Sup? I'm Char. You may know me from timeless classics such as
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[Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Believin' all the lies that they're tellin' ya Buyin' all the products that they're sellin' ya They say jump and ya say "how high?" Ya braindead, ya got a fuckin' bullet in ya head |
"30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS"  Prompt: What books are on your reading list? Work is being a total nightmare right now.  We're in our busy time of year for the next few months and I don't even have time to finish one thing. Every time I'm knee deep in something, another more pressing thing comes up and I have to drop what I'm doing.I have like 15 open analyses right now and it's driving me nutbar.  I'm okay with having a couple open projects at a time, but I feel like I haven't actually completed anything in like two weeks. Anyway, I have a very long reading list this year. I'm participating in "52 in 52" . I've only finished one book for it so far, but I'm like 80% on another book that will cross one of the weeks off. I also read a lot of graphic novels, but I'm not sure if I'm going to include those for 52 in 52 because they are quite short usually. I think if I read any that are over 300 pages though, I'll probably include them because that would take me like 5 hours to get through probably which is plenty of time to be a valid read, in my opinion.I just read Little Fires Everywhere and you'll see from my review that I didn't enjoy it much. I read it as part of my online book club discord. I've heard such good things about the book too, no idea why it didn't mesh with me at all. Or really, that's being generous, what I really mean is that I have no idea why people are raving about this book.I've noticed that the more popular a book is and the more I hear about it, the more confused I am when I read it. I'm just like, how is this one of the most popular books right now? I'm almost at the point where I don't want to read popular books because I almost always find myself struggling through them. And this isn't like one of those "I hate popular things" things. I actually genuinely get hyped to read these books because everyone I know who reads is talking about how amazing they are and it makes me want in on the action too. I can't believe that people, with a straight face, are saying that Little Fires Everywhere is exhilarating... captivating... genius.  I've read more realistic characters in less than 2000 words from people here on WDC.Honestly, so confusing. I'm also reading Anxious People right now as our second book club book this month. Next month we're reading Red, White & Royal Blue by Casey McQuiston. I'm looking forward to it because I don't really read the romance genre frequently. I'm happy we voted for a book with an LGBT theme too.  Other than that, I created a list of books that would fit the weekly themes for 52 in 52 back in December so I have plenty of choices throughout the year. Being able to read out of order helps a lot because I borrow pretty much all of my books from the library so some of my to-reads for each category have long wait times. I started reading a lot more in 2020 with the pandemic going on. I hope I can keep up the habit if we have to go back to the office. It's a lot more difficult to find time to read when I have to commute back and forth to work. If you want to keep up with each other's books, add me on Goodreads and I'll add you back. It's always good to have more books on your radar. |
"30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" Prompt: What do you do to escape or distract yourself from negative thoughts and emotions? How do you take your mind off something you don’t want to think about? Oh heyyy. Been a minute. I've actually started writing a couple entries for various prompts and then I just fall asleep or get distracted with something else. I just haven't felt like, um, being here? Alright, so, how can I put this lightly... The first thing I thought of when reading this prompt is avoidance. I don't think covering up negative emotions or thoughts through escapism/distraction is always the healthy thing to do. Like, yeah, you can go on a spending spree with money you don't have or drown your sorrows in a bottle, but these things are all temporary solutions. Sometimes you need to confront negative emotions and deal with subject matter that makes you feel uncomfortable. It's part of being a well-informed, well-rounded adult. The reason I'm a little harsh on this subject matter is that at some point in the past few years, I feel like some of these avoidance measures have become a bit of a dog whistle. When you talk about masks and someone responds by saying that they don't want to talk about politics, there's a coded message in there. When you talk about police brutality and someone says they don't like riots, there's a coded message in there. I've grown incredibly tired of people suggesting that we just don't watch the news, talk to anyone about current events, or focus in any way on anything happening around us. I wouldn't go quite as far as to call it toxic positivity, but it's certainly close. We don't need to stick our heads in the sand for the sake of being positive. I don't know when acting positive became like the primary socially accepted virtue, but it's a bunch of bullshit. For the past couple years especially, people have been looking at things like the political climate or the pandemic and saying, "Oh, hey, I know this one from history." I've personally pointed out several times in the past that Trump clearly views himself as a Mussolini-type character who thinks he can build a cult around him to fulfill his dreams of being a dictator. We don't have to wonder if this is the case. This is 100% the case and it's proven through history and his own actions. For years people have been responding to this kind of thing by saying: "I don't talk about politics." "I think it's best not to watch the news." "I just focus on other things that are positive." "There are good and bad people on both sides." I haven't talked to people much since the attempted coup, but I'm guessing the response is a similarly lukewarm. This entire, "Put your head in the sand and shut the fuck up" thing feels a lot like gaslighting. It reminds me of times from childhood when I questioned something that was completely abnormal and people in my life attempted to normalize it by saying things like, "You're just being overly sensitive." "You're overthinking it." Like, if putting your fingers in your ears and shouting "LA-LA-LA-LA-LA" works for you, that's great. It's your life, do whatever the hell you want with it. But to pretend like it's negative or dramatic for someone to actually stay informed on current events and be like, "Ah, shit, someone's attempting to become a dictator!" while that person systematically builds a cult following that attempts to overthrow your government is simply unacceptable. It's not something I'll tolerate any longer from anyone I speak to. The last thing I need is for people to invalidate my very valid feelings in the name of "unity" or "positivity." It's fake. I don't give a fuck about it. Yes, there are times when your mood is just off and escaping into a good book might be the perfect distraction. Everyone has their various coping mechanism- good and bad. Some people spend a bunch of money they don't have because it briefly fulfills them. Some people take drugs or drink to escape for a while. Those same people often have healthy coping mechanisms too whether it's reading, writing, exercising, watching movies, or whatever else. But I don't have space for people who just don't want to think about anything "negative" ever regardless of how real and important it is. Avoidance isn't a flavor I have a taste for anymore. |
"30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" Prompt: What movie universe would be the best to live out the rest of your life in?cWell, wouldn't we all just love to escape to a movie universe. I tend to watch pretty dark movies, so I'm not sure most of them would be any better than our current reality. I mean, I wish I was living in The Truman Show so I could just punch a hole in the sky and escape all this bullshit. These past 12 months have just been laughably bad. I mean, I'm used to personal life issues. That's not new. But everything around me being on fire simultaneously? That's a new one. I almost felt delirious when I was in a meeting today and someone said that Trump supporters were storming the capitol building. I didn’t even want to look at the news. It’s like a fever dream. I can’t even muster up anger anymore. I just feel total apathy toward everything. My new doctor suggested that I seem depressed and I didn’t think much of it until today. Because there is no non-depressed version of myself that could watch citizens attempt to overthrow our governments democracy and respond with, “Meh.” It’s nothing surprising to me. I’ve known it for years. I’ve watched Trump’s cult build and become more and more unhinged. I’ve talked to his supporters in real life, I’ve seen them screaming into the void of their blogs here. The pandemic wrecked the few brain cells they had left. For the past 8 months they’ve basically just been crying about how covid is actually a flu that doesn’t exist and that Bill Gates made this nonexistent flu so that he could implant them with liquid trackers. Just to be clear, I have literally been in the hospital with people who suffer from schizophrenia and their wildest delusional ramblings made more sense than the things I hear Trump supporters say. These people are beyond the point of being unwell. But I’ve been done with them for a long time. I don’t expect them to condemn this, although they cried endlessly about property damage during BLM protests over summer. They’re nothing if not hypocritical. My dream scenario is for these people to be completely shunned in society, as you should be when you choose to belong to a group that is attempting to overthrow the democracy of your government. You shouldn’t be accepted in social groups. You're not patriotic in any way. You're an obvious traitor to the country. You're aware of that, I'm sure. Putting one person as your God above the Constitution and the well-being of your country is pretty black and white in terms of things. The election wasn't stolen from your God, you just have difficulty with basic math and you're a spineless follower. Outside of your conservative bubbles, these things are known as facts. There is a generation of children growing up right now who are watching this and rightfully thinking that your entire party is an actual joke. You chose to kill your own party for Trump. Big yikes. Have fun during future elections. I've already done my part of cutting Trump supporters out of my life, which is exactly what they deserve. I don't respond to their messages about anything. I don't care if they're family or friends. I don't comment on their blogs here or engage with anything they do. Actions have consequences and one of the consequences of joining a cult and undermining our democratic election process is having people fucking hate you. You don't get to try to destroy our democracy and still have friends. My hope is that when Biden and Harris are rightfully inaugurated on the 20th, we'll all keep in mind where these people stood on protecting our country and our citizens. They've known the divisiveness of this administration for a long time now. They enjoyed it. They said "fuck your feelings" every time someone attempted to point out something that wasn't morally/ethically/legally okay. Now they've completely tapped out my well of empathy. I hope we all remember this for the foreseeable future and handle our personal lives in line with that. |
"30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" Prompt: Start your entry with this statement: “I am frustrated about ________ because ________.”I am frustrated about not feeling myself because it makes it hard to write and socialize with people. After a few weeks of just feeling off I finally met with a new doctor today. I put in for the appointment weeks ago because I just knew something with my moods and how I was feeling wasn't right- and that it likely wouldn't go away without some help. I've had Jordan at my house since the second week of December, and that's been really nice, but also really difficult because he's only recently left rehab. I suddenly feel a lot of responsibility for taking care of him and making sure he does the 'right' things, which is nearly impossible. They wanted to get drink for New Year's Eve and I was like, "Nope, bad idea." He had a mega tantrum and started screaming at me telling me that I don't want him to have any fun in life and that I don't care about it.  I still said no and then went to sleep. The next morning (NYE morning), I woke up and no one was home. They came back 20 minutes later with a bunch of alcohol after I'd so explicitly said no.That caused me to fly into my own episode and get super drunk because my brain was like, oh, hey, just drink it all yourself! Anyway, that's not the point I was trying to make I don't think. I was trying to say that I just haven't felt like myself for most of December actually. I've not really been able to be here on WDC. I haven't even been able to read people's blogs so I have no idea what's going on with anyone.  I thought this would be a good prompt to jump back in on because people are maybe saying what's been up with them in their entries today. I don't know exactly what's been going on with me. Possibly a bit of depression? I talked to the doctor today and she was so sweet and open with me, which is usually the exact opposite of my experience. She agreed to let me go back on xanax, with her monitoring closely. Mostly, I think 2020 broke some part of my brain. It's just a combination of things and now I'm having a lot of trouble interacting with people outside of my little book club group. I did do a lot of reading in December. I also did a lot of sleeping. My holiday is officially over tomorrow and I'm expected to work 12 hours a day during our 'busy time' which will be the next few months. Hopefully that time will go quickly and a bunch of people get vaccinated in the meantime. I don't know if it's obvious, but I'm having trouble even writing this much. I'm going to go check in on a few other people now and see how they're doing. I'll try to be around and connect a little more. |
"30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" Prompt: What’s something GOOD that happened in 2020? Well, if you're reading this, you survived the worst year in modern history. So that's good. I did a big oopsie yesterday and started drinking way too early so I was pretty sick by midnight and passed out immediately after.  2020 was a sloppy year and I ended it in a sloppy way, which is fitting.This morning I'm just drinking a cup of coffee and eating plain toast because n a u s e a. I know that a new year doesn't really mean anything new. I know all this craziness is going to take up at least half of 2021 too. But I do try to take the new year on with a hopeful outlook. If we have to keep dealing with everything we've been dealing with, might as well try to look at the positives. There were a couple good things that happened for me personally in 2020. 1. Started my career. I mean, technically this was the last couple days of 2019, but 2020 was the year I learned how to do corporate life. It's not easy. It can be a bit toxic with expectations. I'm still happy I managed to keep my job for all of 2020 because I know some weren't so lucky. I'm more comfortable with my role now, although I still learn something new every day. At the very least, I fully know and understand the day-to-day duties of my job after my first year. 2. Started reading more. With all the free time in 2020, I reconnected with reading in a big way. In previous years, I've been lucky to read 5 or 10 books a year. There have been several years that I've only read 2 or 3 books. I didn't keep track of my reading habits in 2020 until December when I made a Goodreads account, but I read 4.5 books in that month alone. I'd guesstimate that I read around 20-30 books in 2020. I also joined "52 in 52" for 2021. I'll be posting my book reviews on my Goodreads account throughout the year. I set my reading goal at 24 tentatively because that's a couple books a month and won't demotivate me if things go back to 'normal' and I have less free time. I really hope I'll hit that magic 52 number though. That would be the most books I've read in a year ever, I think.This isn't a New Year's Resolution though because I built these habits naturally in 2020. If not for all that free time after work and on the weekends, I wouldn't even be interested in a reading challenge now and I definitely wouldn't be in the book club I'm in. 3. Working from home. It feels bad to say, but 2020 did bring on some good for a lot of workers. I've discussed remote work with my co-workers and all of us love it. We're saving so much time and money by not commuting. Our productivity is the same, if not better, because we're less tired and more focused. Back when I was in the office, I was exhausted before I even got to work in the morning. I was waking up at like 5 or 5:30 in the morning to get to the office in time. My commute wasn't even bad and could still take easily 45 minutes each way. Some of my coworkers had double that. By 3pm, I'd been up and on the move for 10 hours and I was absolutely exhausted every day. Now I wake up right before I need to start working and I'll have a bagel or something while I go through my emails in the morning. It's so much less stressful. 4. Trump lost. And he lost by a lot. He and his rabid supporters are never going to admit it because losing is hard, but I'm so happy we don't have to deal with 4 more years of this asshat. True conservatives are now realizing that he was never a Republican. He used their party and tore it apart so that it likely won't even be a valid option in the future. He's divided the country so much that I don't even know if it's repairable, but at least he won't be able to continue doing damage. January 20th can't get here soon enough! So overall, yeah, 2020 was a bitch of a year to get through. For me personally, I was very fortunate to have my job. I've had a lot of family members, friends, and coworkers get sick, but we haven't lost anyone so far. Hopefully we can all get vaccinated before it comes to that. I'm an empathetic person and I've certainly felt bad for people every day. This whole thing has just been really tough. My hope for 2021 is that we get this under control by summer and that we do the right thing in the meantime to mitigate further loss. Yeah, I know, pipe dreams. |
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