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 |  Blog and other works of literary sense |
| Here is a collection of ruminations and whatnot. |
| Sharing here. I'm staying up so that the gremlins don't take me away in the night while I sleep. |
| Getting back to some sort of regular life is hard. I have been trying to feel normal lately. It is hard to do. I don't feel good in the mornings. I get up, try to get breakfast, then the gremlins strike and I feel sad so I have to retreat to my bed and try not to think much except to get more sleep. As sleep seems to be the one thing that I feel I can be safe, but for a few nightmares. Sometimes I don't get those and the sleep is refreshing. Then I try again to get up and go do some work but then I feel the need to leave and go back to my bed and I try to feel comfortable. I don't think I'm depressed in the sense that I felt when I was really diagnosed as depressed in the 2000s. I feel as though bad thoughts are trying to get a grip of me and make me feel sad, a depressed body, sluggish, unable to get more than a few thoughts to work on in my mind so that I could write, or do some promotional work for my different businesses. I am also depressed in a way because the businesses aren't getting anywhere. So I've just decided to do what I can do, whenever I feel there's a good idea that comes to mind. E.g., if I'm looking at a new promotional ad for one of my businesses. I have no real idea how long this feeling will last. I think living in this house, this city, could be a blight on me and my creativity. Some thoughts say "What creativity?" These are the thoughts responsible for me being under the weather. This is what is what I have to contend with. I do my best however to combat them as much as I can. I pray. I do what I can with what needs to be done in the work I do, and I do some chores in the house. I worry over stupid things. Or sometimes over things I have no control over. I get this idea to give it up to God and let Him take charge of me and that is what I've done. If I ever get to meet God, I'll say, this life you've given me this is how it's been, you've been in charge of my life, so I can't say I have any excuses except that I'm in a world where my work is hazed, my body is a pincushion, and my brain is being slowly fleeced by menace of people who are unseen yet they are seemingly able to see what I'm doing and know what I'm thinking. I will do as I can and fend them off, but they promise to return the next day and do the same dastardly things to me, terrifying me, at my lowest ebb, and making me fume with anger when I'm at my top form. I am not at my top form at all times. I just have to go with it sometimes. If I need to take a rest I will. But the endlessness of the struggle makes me wonder what it is that I have to look forward to? Is this all that I have to look forward to? A rather bleak, struggling life, trying to be as normal as I can be, but feeling as though something vital is missing from me. |
| How to Develop a Growth Mindset 1. Frame challenges as opportunities. Challenges these days are unseen forces that persuade or force me to stay immobilised, to be discouraged in trying something different or to stay the course with what I’m working on. These are not exactly what you would call ‘opportunities’ but they are the things that keep me from moving and doing and being. 2. Look for the good in every situation. I don’t always look for what is good in every situation at least not consciously. I do think of what good thing it will be if I were presented with a situation and whether it’s good for me to cooperate with it. 3. Seek feedback from people you respect. I do not have enough feedback and I do not know where there would be people I would respect in my career to tell me that I’m doing well. However, I have a lot of company in my area of creative writing and from them I learn enough about what I should write and go on from there. 4. Don’t equate the need to improve with failure. I don’t equate the need to improve with failure. I somehow find a fault in what I might have done (not grievous nor sinful, but a weak point somewhere in what I’ve done) so that I can go back and make it stronger. 5. Develop grit; keep working for your goals. I need to have grit but I think grit is something that is an American trait and I think that I do have grit in the back of my mind. What I might need is to have this grit come to the forefront of my work and to set it as a way to keep out those bastards who are making me feel as though my work doesn’t matter, when it does, obviously, for this work will help people to understand what it is that life is all about. 6. Reward perseverance, commitment and hard work. I do reward myself but alas, I haven’t enough funds to reward myself with things that are pleasing. 7. Don’t compare yourself to others; be proud of who you are. I don’t compare myself to others. There is no one around that can be like me for they are all bastards, and I am the only one who is a genuine woman who loves my God and my Jesus always. I am happy with my self as God wanted me to be for Him to love me always. 8. Remember we all have the ability to change. We all have the ability to change it is the culture of this society that prohibits many who are good and creative from changing into someone that they can be proud of, and someone that many people will recognise as a worthy person. |
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