Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/books/item_id/2206688-Mary-Faderans-Blog/month/7-1-2022
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Blog and other works of literary sense |
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Created: November 29th, 2019 at 12:06pm
Modified: March 6th, 2023 at 4:07pm
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Here is a collection of ruminations and whatnot.
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This post is going to sound like the others, so if you cared you can skip it.
I'm feeling fear for no reason at all but perhaps for the future life I have to look forward to. My Dad is 93 and he won't be with me long. He's still active but he rests more than he does stuff. I have to take his BP every day to make sure it stays normal. His doctor gave him an increased dose of his BP med. Not only that, my Dad gets bruises on his arm and the last time it happened it was scary. It happened on Independence Day late afternoon. His arm was bruised from upper to mid forearm. And it looked like there was an excess of blood in his skin because it sagged with the weight of the blood. I searched online for treatments to bruises and I found it. So he had this bruise healing it took almost three weeks.
You can see why I suffer from anxiety disorder. I worry about the future and without Dad in it. I need your prayers to get through this phase in my life. |
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| I have a variety of dreams that have come to me in my sleeping hours. One thing I remember is that not only the place and setting of the dreams that recur but the people in it figure always in these dreams. I used to work in a bacteriology lab and so I have dreams about that. And I used to be in several labs doing research. These dreams have thinned out some in my sleep world. But the people in my past still appear. They aren't ominous people but I know they're not friends of mine. |
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| I had a good night's sleep. I dreamed about people I used to know. It was straight out of a Mills n Boon novel. I was the lead character. I had an attraction for someone handsome and dark. But he was involved with another woman. But she showed her true colours to him and so he turned his attention to me. There was a ball in a room and I was busy picking up stuff to wear. The man I was attracted to was due to join the ball. And then I woke up and started to feel scared again. That started my day. I don't know how much longer I can stand this scared feeling. I just took my medicines. I'm not sure if they'll work for me today. I can feel the struggle in me, good vs. evil thoughts. |
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| I'm feeling afraid. There's nothing to be afraid of. It's a normal morning. My dog is sleeping on my lap. He doesn't sense my feelings. thank God. I'm not looking forward to this day. A good half of it will be feeling this scared. The only respite I have is to sleep. |
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| My anxiety disorder is on full blast this morning. I have to be patient. And take my meds. It'll subside after the day is half over. I wonder if it has to do with my Circadian rhythm? The day looks overcast outside. I've noticed that the sunrise is later as the days pass. I can't see myself going through another change of seasons. I think the summer heat is extreme. I'll welcome the autumn season for that reason. But I fear the winter coming. It might aggravate my Dad's arthritis. And he'll be in more pain again. I wish I could go shopping instead of him going shopping. He has the money and I don't have much to spend. But he's 93 and he's not getting any younger. I wish we could win the lottery. That would solve a lot of problems. We could move to a warmer climate where snow is nonexistent. |
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| I'm struggling with depression and anxiety disorder. The mornings are hardest. I take meds for them. But only one out three is effective. I worry about everything. We're on a fixed income. The house needs repair. We make do as best we can. My father is 93 years old. And I'm 65. Retiring and getting to be a senior citizen made more depressed. I can't get a job. Writing books seems to elude me. My Muse refuses to help me with writing fiction. And I can't seem to sell what I've written. |
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| As an only child, I've been trained to care too much for my parents. Now that my Dad is still alive, I'm tasked with being his caregiver. But I suffer greatly from worrying over him. Every move he makes I track. When he coughs at night or daytime, I ask Jesus to be with him. I've lost a lot of weight in the last year from worrying. It seems every month, there's a new issue with his health. These issues aren't that sad-making but they add up and I'm stuck feeling fear all through the day. I need Someone to hold me back from worrying over my Dad. That Someone is Jesus Christ. I need to take care of myself first before I can take care of anyone in the family. |
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| I think my Dad has a death wish. He's 93 years old. He has High BP. The doctor upped his dose twice in a span of a few weeks. He's off his statin meds permanently due to a bad side effect. Yet he eats whatever he wants and he cooks with a heavy hand on the garlic salt. I've been tasked by his doctor to monitor his BP every day. Until yesterday it was fine but it was elevated yesterday after he got back from the store. I told him to rest for 30 minutes before I took his BP but it was still elevated. It seems every time he has an activity his BP rises. I don't know what to do about it. |
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| I'm really depressed. I've been thinking about when my Dad passes. I can't afford to pay the mortgage and the car. The mortgage is in both our names but the car is only in his name. I'll have to sell the house and talk to the car dealer about his car loan. I can't even manage to pay that car loan on my own. I'll have to find affordable housing and let my pets (two of the four) go to the shelter or rescue. It makes me sad to part with any pet. I'll have to rely on the charity of volunteers to take me to my doctor's appointments. I place my future in God's Hands. |
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| I wonder if my life was unplanned by me. I had no chats with my parents about where I'd want to be in say, five years when I was in high school. I enjoyed high school so much and did well there. But I was like a tumbleweed, tossed about by my likes and inclinations. I never planned anything, except what I'd do that day. I lived in the present. I wasn't on the make, or gunning for top billing in any real life production in my life. I might not like myself were I someone like that. I remember hating what I had to do to make the grade in college. I liked myself well enough and approved of myself, but my subjects were of a different opinion. If I had to do it all over, I might do it all the same and remained true to myself. |
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