I don't have a place where I can really just let my thoughts out. They tend to just stay bottled up and away until I forget about them entirely. So I've decided to put them here: thoughts, frustrations, vents, anything. I'm not really sure if this sort of thing is normal here - I honestly don't know much at all about this site despite having posted here before. I understand the resources to learn are blatantly available, and one day I will be hit with the right amount of motivation and resolve which, assuming that I have a way to access this site the moment that happens, will allow me to spend some hours learning everything I need to. But until that day I'm just going to assume this is normal enough to at least go unnoticed.
I really don't like how little say I have when it comes to what I wear/what people see of my body. My heart can't heart so I need sonograms requiring the doctor to see from my waist up. Anything remotely water related creates the expectation of a swimsuit and if I try to justify not wearing one then everyone makes a deal out of it. And I know it's a me problem, it's not their fault I don't like my body. (or that I have self-harm wounds/scars I would like to hide, thank you very much) But the fact that, at any time, one of the adults in my life can just say "you're going to wear this" and I can't argue without it becoming a {thing/i} is such a big source of anxiety for me at this point. I nearly had a panic attack just moving some of my moms shirts from my room that were left there a few weeks ago when she wanted me to "model" them. I'm a fucking adult now, technically, so why am I still struggling so much with this? It's frustrating. I really want to get out of here.
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