Hi DepressedPoet !

I found your story on the Noticing Newbies page and it looked interesting so I thought I'd take a look. Here are my thoughts.

Characters:

The young woman and the vampire, names unknown.

Plot:

The vampire comes to her room and they have a midnight encounter.

Setting:

Her room.

Narration: Voice, Tone, Exposition, Metaphors/Similes, Basic Storytelling and Diction:

The voice is third person, the tone is subdued, and the diction is standard.

Dialogue:

There was no dialogue.

Beginning and Ending:

The beginning was interesting, hooking me in with the line "she wonders if he will come." With those words, I immediately want to know who "he" is and why she wants him to come. The ending seemed to end right in the middle of action, so it seemed incomplete.

Errors:

tender yielding caresses. --> tender, yielding caresses.
She can not fight --> She cannot fight

Suggestions:

I'd refrain from beginning too many sentences with pronouns such as "She" or "He". Fix the errors above. This plot seemed to be lacking somehow, because it seemed just a bit too simple, and something that's been done already, so I suppose I'm suggesting to add something new to this classic vampire story.

Summary:

Although there is some work that needs to be done, there is a promising story here, and I did enjoy this read. Good job.

Thanks for sharing your talent, and keep writing!