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Review #4093904
Viewing a review of:
 The Murder of Man Open in new Window. [13+]
A Man's final thoughts in a apocolyptic world
by Ahrah Author Icon
Review of The Murder of Man  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
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For some reason I imagined this to be a part of a longer tale when I started reading, and at first it seemed very well suited as a prologue or the beginning of the first chapter. But then it became clear that you had something completely different in mind which made this story quite original. There didn't seem to be anything unusual about the beginning, although the readers weren't sure to whom the narrator was speaking as he explained a few details about his life and the world's recent history. It was when he described how he made enemies of some of the other survivors that his account was interrupted and it became clear what was going on.

I assume that you used the run-on sentences to convey a sense of urgency in his narration, but to me it didn't work very well. Perhaps one or two would have been all right, but almost from the beginning there was very little structure and by the middle the readers would have been about as out of breath as the narrator. It made it difficult to follow the story he was telling as the events and details blurred into one. To compensate, readers would have to slow down more than usual which had the opposite effect to the one you were hoping for, it slowed down the action.

However, I think this can be fixed quite easily by inserting punctuation in the appropriate places, and I think the rush with which he was recording his final thoughts will still come across through the events he was describing and the interruptions to his thoughts.

I liked the way you ended the story, and even though I'm not a fan of sound effects in writing, that final one was very well placed and gave the tale a chilling but rather fitting ending.


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