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Review #4422724
Viewing a review of:
A Day of Butterfly Kisses Open in new Window. [E]
A gift from heaven above
by Legendary❤️Mask Author Icon
Review by Dave Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
Greetings, Teresa!

I saw your name listed on River's Open House Reviewing Challenge for the month of June and wanted to offer a few observations in the spirit of friendly camaraderie and constructive support. Of course, they are nothing more than one man's opinions, so take them or leave them for whatever you think they may be worth.

TITLE:

Unless your name is Maya Angelou, or that of some other famous poet, whose reputation is enough to attract a fawning audience, the title is one of the most important elements of any composition. As the only thing a prospective reader will see while scanning the list of items in a writer’s port or the Table of Contents in a book, it serves as the door which must be opened to enter the realm of the writer’s imagination. A name gives the story a specific identity. It sets the tone and prepares the reader for what is to come. If that entrance does not spark some sort of interest, chances are he or she will move along to the next item, or maybe even the next author.

The title of this poem invites that browser to share a sensuous experience with one of Mother Nature's wonders.

FORM & STRUCTURE:

In traditional poetry, the fixed shape of the meter, rhyme, and stanza creates an emotional distance which facilitates universal acceptance. The poet writing free verse must compensate for the lack of traditional structure by designing the title, line, stanza, and rhythm to provide the greatest impact in an efficient manner. Otherwise, the poem will be nothing more than prose in disguise. Careful design of the word selection and arrangement, the length and density of each line, and the breakdown of stanzas must provide a natural rhythm. That is, through much toil in search of precise language, experimentation with forming lines and stanzas, and extensive revision, the poet carefully crafts a work that appears natural, authentic, and convincing to the reader.

Although the single body of text seems to be in fashion these days, I believe you could help to control the pacing and sharpen the focus by dividing the composition into several stanzas, as described in the following link:
http://www.poewar.com/what-is-a-stanza/ . The stanza breaks would help to control the pacing and sharpen the focus, offering the reader an opportunity to absorb each impression more completely before moving along to the next.

IMAGERY:

Imagery is the lifeblood of a poem. Like a craftsman carving, molding, painting, and polishing wood, stone, clay, or some other material, the poet uses words to shape and paint pictures which present some lyrical impulse or spiritual truth. Rather than TELLING the audience about those feelings, the poet SHOWS the impressions through distinct images that project emotional overtones and associations with other images and events. In this way, the poet stirs an emotional response from the reader.

Beginning with the distinct sensory detail of "cool breeze" in the first line, your narrator provides vivid pictures throughout this composition by applying specific concrete nouns and vibrant descriptors to keep your audience fully engaged throughout this composition.

NARRATIVE:

Because of the frequent shifts in point of view, from third person objective singular voice in the third line to the second person voice in the seventh line to the mixed third person objective plural with first person plural voice in the twenty-third line, it is difficult to determine to whom your narrator is speaking. The reference to "you" in the twenty-first line is also unclear.

PICKY COPY EDIT ITEM:

In the eighteenth line, "is" should be "are" to conform with the plural "two."

OVERALL IMPRESSION:

Art happens in two places: in writers' minds as they create it, and in readers' minds as they perceive it. Poets explore possibilities through a lens colored by past experience and shares them with an unseen audience. They call upon a unique reservoir of such enlightenment, conceptual skill and innovative research to project some spiritual sensation upon the screen of the audience's imagination--be it joy, melancholy, shock, or any of a thousand others.

This has been a thoroughly enjoyable episode. Thank you for sharing!

If you are interested in learning more about the craft of composing poetry, or merely chatting among like-minded wordsmiths, we would love to have you join our discussions in "The Poet's Place " Open in new Window. group.

Here's wishing you fair winds as you continue to navigate this universe known as Writing.Com.

Let the creativity flow from your soul! *Cool*
Dave
"The Poet's Place " Open in new Window.
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