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Review #4524997
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Review by Dave
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Rated: E | (3.0)
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Greetings, S.z.kamoonpuri !

The following observations are offered in grateful response to the request you made in your Review of "Pins and Needles" . Of course, they are nothing more than one person's opinions, so take them or leave them for whatever you think they may be worth.

TITLE:


The title of this composition introduces a memorial lamentation for the beloved scientist and statesman, Avul Pakir Jainulabdeen Abdul Kalam: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/A._P._J._Abdul_Kalam .

Since "elegy" and "eulogy" mean basically the same thing, I do not believe both terms are required in the title.

CONTENT:

If your purpose is to inform your audience about the subject's numerous achievements, this presentation does an adequate job of doing that.

If your purpose is to introduce your subject as the man he really was, this composition falls short, in my humble opinion. Imagery is the lifeblood of a poem. Like a craftsman carving, molding, painting, and polishing wood, stone, clay, or some other material, the poet uses words to shape and paint pictures that present some lyrical impulse or spiritual truth. Rather than TELLING the audience about those feelings, the poet SHOWS the impressions through distinct images that project emotional overtones and associations with other images and events. In this way, the poet stirs an emotional response from the reader. Those distinct images require specific details in the place of abstract concepts, such as "intellectual mien and grace" and "did a lot for her." More on the process of eulogizing can be found in the following link: https://ideas.ted.com/how-to-give-a-eulogy-that-truly-celebrates-the-person-your... .

POETIC TECHNIQUE:

f done well, rhyming can be pleasing to the ear and fun to create, testing the wit and ingenuity of the poet. It can also serve as an audible echo or resonance for emphasis. Additionally, rhyming can be an organizing device to create zones of similarity for your poems and linkage to connect different thoughts.

There are several problems that arise when using rhymes, end-rhymes in particular. The first is that rhymes tend to draw attention to themselves and may overshadow the message of the poem. Also, the writer may torture the diction or grammatical structure to make the line fit the established rhyme scheme. Another danger is writing a line that fulfills the formal rhyming requirement but fails to meet the commitment of expressing a heartfelt belief.

The rhymes in this poem are well executed without discernible distortion of the language, but the irregular pattern, which varies from one stanza to another, hinders development of a rhythm to complement your expression.

PICKY COPY EDIT ITEM:

In the third line, I believe "brill" should be "brilliant."

OVERALL IMPRESSION:

With all due respect to Dr. Albert Einstein, I have formulated my own theory of relativity: No matter how accomplished someone is, there is always room for improvement; no matter how new someone is to a particular process, there are always others out there who could use your help with a little fresh perspective. We all started from the same point. A prima ballerina began her journey by taking a few faltering baby steps, falling down, getting up, and trying again. Even at the pinnacle of her career, she still practices tirelessly to continue honing her craft.

You have achieved the most important step in this process by capturing your thoughts on paper before they can fly away like fireflies in the night. In that effort, you have excavated a golden nugget from the depths of your imagination. Keep polishing this nugget to maximize the effects and transform it into the magnificent jewel it can be. Write on!

Here's wishing you fair winds as you continue to navigate this universe known as Writing.Com.

Let the creativity flow from your soul! *Cool*
Dave
"The Poet's Place
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