Greetings, Bubblegum Jones!
The following observations are offered in grateful response to your Review of "My Journey to Becoming a Writer" , but they are nothing more than one person's opinions, so take them or leave them for whatever you think they may be worth.
First, I applaud you for your practice of capturing dreams in writing before those sparks of inspiration can flitter away like fireflies in the night. By doing so, you have achieved the most important step in this process. Although the writing provides an opportunity to rant, rave, moan, groan, and pour all of those pent-up emotions out on the page, those raw ramblings may not be suitable for consumption by an outside audience. However, I do believe the friendly folks in this WDC community will be more than happy to assist in development of this conceptual rendering.
Unless your name is Stephen King, or that of some other famous author, whose reputation is enough to attract a fawning audience, the title is one of the most important elements of any composition. It sets the tone and prepares the random reader for what is to come. If that entrance does not spark some sort of interest, chances are he or she will move along to the next item, or maybe even the next author.
The title you have assigned to this little tale reaches out and grabs the random browser's attention with its implication of repercussions resulting from deceitful behavior.
Once you have lured prospective readers into your lair, your opening lines present another challenge: either hooking them or losing them.
The fact that the supervisor calls your narrator for special attention after a meeting creates a touch of suspense, but the fact that he took his "sweet time" in responding diminishes that effect significantly.
The dialogue is a bit confusing when the supervisor asks the narrator "H.R. wanted to know why I'm sending crazy voice mail messages." Does H.R. believe the voice mail messages are coming from the supervisor, as his inquiry seems to indicate.
The second paragraph, and the last sentence, in particular, provide the perfect segue to the next scene.
You have excavated a golden nugget from the depths of your imagination. Keep polishing this nugget to maximize the effects and transform it into the magnificent jewel it can be, but I would not just sit around and wait for the next dream to appear, because the next dream may bring the beginning of another story altogether. Open the cannister of "What if...?"s and explore various possibilities, like a child opening a container full of TinkerToys. Good luck, and keep writing!
Let the creativity flow from your soul!
"The Poet's Place "
* All items are rated in accordance with the guidelines provided in "Comment-In-A-Box"
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
| You responded to this review 05/09/2020 @ 9:01pm EDT