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 Review #4811686 |
 | The astral collection  [E] Sometimes when your daughter astral travels, she brings back things  |
| (4.5)  HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews"   First Impressions: This story settled into the weirdness so naturally that it almost felt like a sleepy memory. The opening was casual with Diane waking up, yawning and stretching like her alarm had just gone off in the morning and she was getting ready for her day. Even when she went to check on her daughter, everything seemed fine, until she spotted the strange object Amy was clutching. Her reaction, Oh, not again, was great and shifted the story into another gear. Amy was a great character too, and her dialogue seemed particularly realistic for a child in that half-awake, half-sleeping state. It was cute and funny, and momentarily distracted the readers from the mystery: where had the ashtray come from? Diane didn’t seem unduly concerned because she was used to it, but the readers wanted to know.  Suggestions: The story was very well written and I only have a couple of small suggestions: She yawned and stretched her arms. Then got up from the recliner and walked into the hallway. The second sentence is a fragment; it is missing a subject. I would suggest combining it with the first sentence, possibly with a comma. She taped the paper inside the object. Then placed it on the bookcase in the living room. Again, the second sentence is a fragment, and I would recommend combining the two sentences. She remembered the bookcase, in the living room, filled with miscellaneous items. To me, ‘remembered’ seems to imply she had temporarily forgotten the bookcase, which didn’t quite fit since it was in her living room and seemed to play a key role in her life. Maybe something like ‘She thought of the bookcase’ would work better here.  Final Thoughts: I liked the ending, when it became clear that Diane couldn’t stop what was happening, she could only document it. Unfortunately for the readers, she could also not explain it. It felt like there was a whole other story waiting to be told here, and I wonder if this might become the opening to a longer tale where the readers get to follow Amy on her travels. It would be interesting to find out more about her.   A Review from: "Invalid Item" This review is affiliated with The B.E.A.R. Fund , a community project that let's you earn exclusive merit badges just by reviewing! My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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