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 Review #4813823 |
 | The Day I Turned 16  [ASR] Written for my Creative Writing class. (2008-2009) It is about someone's 16th birthday.  |
| (3.5)  HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews"   First Impressions: This story captured the quirky charm of having a Halloween birthday with a strong personal voice that sounded like you were genuinely recounting a day you will never forget. The premise was fun, and I can’t imagine how it must have felt to suddenly see the weather changing to something that could have been straight out of a horror movie. Adding to that were a stranger taking the Halloween theme a little too seriously, and a haunted house with creepy spiders. It turned out okay in the end though, because instead of a burglar in the house, you find your surprise birthday guests waiting for you. It was all very relatable with the teenage excitement over candy and gifts, and it read a little like a diary entry, conversational and informal, with both mundane details and dramatic moments.  Suggestions: I noticed a number of small errors: Okay there are people who are born There should be a comma after “Okay” to set off the introductory word. Th good thing Just a typo, “The”. It seems like Mother Nature wanted to celebrate my birthday in the most evil way she can come up with. You’ve mixed up the tenses here. The rest of the story was written in past tense but “seems” and “can” are present tense. It didn't rain either, just that way. I wasn’t sure what you meant by “just that way” there was some evil things “things” is plural, so it should be, “there were some evil things”. Later on I was able to get a Pontiac Grand Pris though. I believe that was meant to say “Grand Prix”. And you need a comma after “Later on” to set off the introductory phrase, and another one before “thought”.  Final Thoughts: You have a fun tale here, even more so because it appeared to be a true story, and I think it’s worth polishing it a little to get rid of the errors, and perhaps explain what you meant by “just that way” or reword that line to make it clearer. You could even expand this into a longer story - instead of describing what happened, you could add dialogue and let different characters show the readers what happened. It’s just an idea - I realise that was not what you wrote this story for, but it would be a good start if you wanted to turn it into a longer tale.   A Review from: "Invalid Item" This review is affiliated with The B.E.A.R. Fund , a community project that let's you earn exclusive merit badges just by reviewing! My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 04/30/2025 @ 8:06pm EDT