Hello, Aniu

Here is a review for your "Flash Fiction contest entry" .

Comments and Observations:

This is an imaginative fantasy piece that shows two mythical beings from two different realms of earth and sky, and they are caught in a history of conflict.

Your setting is a secluded forest clearing where a unicorn and a Pegasus clash. This idea alone has a strong fantasy feel in addition to the suggestion of archetypes.

Your unicorn isn't a flat character but she distrusts peace even though she shows mercy, This one surely is a morally complex character.

Then, the symbols, horns vs. wings, earth vs. sky work well for the theme of division as metaphors for culture clash, pride, and reconciliation.

As splendid as your idea is, the battle felt rushed to me. Possibly, stretching it a bit to build tension would help as it will give more drama and immediacy.

As to the ending, I felt it to be abrupt. Maybe you could add to or expand the unicorn's thoughts or hint at either the possibility of change or the continued tension.

My main concern, however, is that you showed the action but not how the characters felt. For example, where the Pegasus returns peacefully, the unicorn's doubt of internal conflict could be expressed better, maybe with something like this:
~The unicorn approached warily, her hooves silent against the forest floor. He didn’t flinch. No raised wings. No fire in his eyes. Just… surrender? Suspicion tightened her chest. Could a conqueror change?~

One more thing which has nothing to do with the piece but the way it shows on the screen. You have the letters in red and used a small font. A good number of us the WdC readers are elderly or have eyesight problems. I suggest you use a larger font and more readable color.

Also, it would help the readability of the piece more if you divided the story into more paragraphs, rather than the two tight paragraphs that you have now.

I do appreciate the idea behind this fantasy piece and I think you are a very imaginative writer.


Suggestions on the text as to grammar, usage, and punctuation

It might be me, but some phrases felt awkward to me. I don't know if you did this to give this an other-worldly feeling, but I would prefer a clearer approach.
For example: "Now met to have a one on one fight."
My suggestion: They had come to settle the feud in single combat.

Then, there are also a few shifts in tense. I suggest sticking with the past tense since it would suit the tone of the piece most.

Best wishes with your work.




My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .