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 Review #4827097 |
 | The Death of the Anti-Clown  [GC] Clowning can be a deadly serious business.  |
| (4.5)| Good morning, Dunstan Whitethorn , and I hope it finds you well. My name is Jack, and I put most of my effort here into reviewing. I've recently noticed that many if not most of the reviews offered here are very scholarly, commenting on grammar and syntax, plot holes, pacing of the dialogue, and all that jazz. They are the sort of critiques that a good professor would give, and there is certainly nothing wrong with that; I have learned many a good lesson from someone explaining the difference between "affect" and "effect," for example. But unlike those other reviewers, I intend to talk about the effect your story had on me as a reader. I saw your item Motes on the Please Review page and went there to do just that, but on opening your port, I saw this, and as I wrote a story called Death of a Clown, I couldn't resist.A brief word about me: I'm old, and while I've achieved no great success, I've learned a lifetime of lessons that I'm willing to share. I may mention spelling, grammar, or similar things if I feel a comment is needed, but the impact of your story is my concern. The things I will tell you here are my opinions, and are merely suggestions; I'm a self-taught hobbyist, so take anything I tell you as merely something to consider rather than some profound truth. Okay? Let's get started, then. NOTE TO THIRD-PARTY READERS: POSSIBLE SPOILERS AHEAD FIRST IMPRESSIONS: The philosophers say that you never get a second chance to make a first impression, and your story is no exception. My first read-through is recreational, and I come away with more feelings than thoughts. This section describes them.  The story starts out serious, but quickly devolves into a satirical, nonsensical romp that couldn't possibly happen... of course, neither could Star Trek, and I don't have a problem with that. But how did it make me feel? Well, it was good and funny for the most part, stringing clown tropes together into an all inclusive narrative that held together surprisingly well. I was saddened that Gav didn't make it, but then the title sort of gave that away, didn't it? The way you would lose stars in this category would be to make me sorry I wasted my time reading it, and that is definitely not the case.STORY & THEME: If your grammar is poor, you can learn; if your story is unattractive on the page, you can fix it with a few html commands. But this describes how you get your vision from idea to page, and I don't know if there's a book that teaches that. If you're like me, you've been told for your whole writing life to "Write what you know." That is the worst advice any writer has ever been given, because unless we're astronauts or fighter pilots, most of what we know is crushingly boring. I don't believe for one minute that Jules Verne circumnavigated the globe in a submarine, nor that H.G. Wells faced an invasion from Mars, yet their fictional accounts of these events remain classics over a century after they were written, because they took as their motto the opposite of that advice: Know what you write.* They had access to only the most rudimentary science, and much of that wrong, but they turned what they could study into lasting classics through knowing it thoroughly. Your story is a prime example of the ridiculous-as-sublime. Watching all these raving lunatics hold their kangaroo court on a more-or-less normal man whose only crime is not being funny is a surreal journey through a crazy alternate reality. Of course, in a work of this nature, any reader can point at a hundred spots and say, "I would have written this differently," but none of that harms what you've done. This is a walk on the wild side, to be sure, but a very enjoyable one, nonetheless.CHARACTERS: Allow me to share "Tyler's Axiom:" Characters are fiction. Rich, dynamic characters can lift a painfully ordinary story to heights its author never dreamed of. It doesn't work the other way, however; lazy, phoned-in stereotypes can drag the best narrative into the depths of mediocrity. So how did yours affect me? There are a number of peripheral characters here, but Gav, Jambo, and Claude are the story, and a brilliant mix they are. Claude, of course, is the sleeper, with his crazy plans and goofy chatter, stealing the show in fine form. All the characters come to center stage during the trial, and all are handled at least as well as I could have done, which negates any sort of improvement I could suggest. But these characters were engaging and well-handled from start to finish.IMMERSION BREAKS: These are those "similar things" I talked about in my intro, the things that might yank your reader out of the flow and send him backtracking to see whether he's missed something. When you write a story, you are weaving a spell around your reader, and he wants you to succeed. He wants to lose himself in your imagined world, and when you drop one of these gaffes in the text, it pulls him out of your story and back into the mundane world. The reader's immersion is broken, and it can be difficult for him to get back into it. If it's egregious enough, it may be impossible. This is where things stumble a bit, I hasten to add, in my opinion. You use French phrases and internal dialogue throughout, and Italics serve to notify the reader that the dialogue is internal, and the language isn't English. Here's an example. You write:Fucking hell, nothing ever goes right, does it? He thought dejectedly, staring at the rain-streaked window at the drab grey buildings of the industrial estate, Oh well, at least now dad's dead. I can use the money the old git left me to get out of this shithole town. Consider how much easier it would be for the reader to sort out as he reads if it were presented like this: Fucking hell, nothing ever goes right, does it, he thought dejectedly, staring through the rain-streaked window at the drab grey buildings of the industrial estate. Oh well, at least now dad's dead. I can use the money the old git left me to get out of this shithole town. Note that I also included a couple of grammar corrections in the revised sentences as well. I know I said I wasn't going to hit this aspect too hard, and I don't think I did, but every time I came to one of those passages, I was out of the story to re-read and sort out who was saying or thinking what. I hope you find this useful going forward. SUGGESTIONS: These have nothing to do with your story, but are things that can help your work stand out in the tidal wave of offerings here on WdC. Use or discard as you see fit. First, put something of yourself in your bio blocks. Being mysterious is nice, but as I write this I have no idea whether you're young or old, male or female, experienced or just starting out. Armed with that information, a reviewer can tailor his comments and make his review just that much more useful to you. Also, if your membership level allows it, you should put covers on all of your works. When a reader asks the site to "show me newbies," "show me romance," "show me poetry," or whatever, it throws up a wall of offerings, most of which share that generic quill-and-parchment icon. An individual cover makes its story stand out like a neon sign, and I have to guess draws more eyes and readers to itself. CONCLUSION:  overall. The half-star is, of course, for my grousing about the italics. They just make the reading easier. But this is a fun and ludicrous romp through a dimension not of this world, and I enjoyed it immensely. There's a talent involved in writing a story like this that not everyone has, but you certainly do. I thank you for sharing, and wish you the greatest of good fortune wherever your journey takes you.Stay inspired, Jack...  * I first read this phrase on WdC. When the originator comes forward, I will credit him or her properly, but in the meantime, it is much too profound to be allowed to fade away. PS: Consider this your invitation to visit my forum, "Jack's Hideout" . You never know what might be on tap... My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You last responded to this review 07/29/2025 @ 7:10pm EDT