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 Review #4839877 |
 | Golden Growth Part 1.  [GC] Marika and Rennala grow to incredible sizes and seek revenge.  |
| (4.0)| Overall Thoughts Since this is my second go-round with this story, I’ll try not to repeat too much from the first basic review. I will say again that I’m on board with the “proper story” goal. I love that you set real stakes for the characters, keep the chapters moving in-story alongside the macro elements, and give the world-building some serious grounding. There’s a great A-plot (escape) and B-plot (response). There are a few repetitions and more than a few typos, but those are all easily correctable. Since you made good use of your port space by placing multiple chapters into a single item, I’m going to break the review into chunks and group chapters together. Before I do that, I’d encourage you to clean up the formatting. That one small change will make it much easier to read. Look at proper spacing between chunks of dialogue and remove extra gaps between sections. It’ll make editing easier, too, if you decide to do so.  Introduction and Disclaimers The disclaimers and warnings are a good call here. I would rearrange them as warning → disclaimer → intro for a few reasons: 1. Right now, you give the reader two reasons to bail: typos and content. I’d remove the typo/grammar statement altogether. Ideally, you’ll fix the problems — but even if you don’t, that statement tells the reader you’re not interested in them actually reading the story. The content warning, though, should be at the top. That’s a valid “hey, reader, this ain’t for you” statement, and will be kindly received by those who stumble upon it. 2. After the content warning, I’d put the disclaimer. I’d encourage you to use WdC’s dropnote function to trim the wording so it doesn’t distract from the story itself. Centering it would make it clear it isn’t part of the story. It would end up looking like this: This Story is rated XGC. It is the Macrophilia story of two women growing to impossible sizes and abusing their power in ways both sexy and unethical. If that bothers you, please do not read. If you enjoy such things, then by all means, read away. Disclaimer ▶︎ The Introduction This introduction isn’t working for the story right now (and your disclaimer already says this story isn’t reflective of the original lore). If you tweak it to be a proper introduction, you can communicate similar information while bringing the reader into the story right away. Something like this might work: "The Lands Between had not yet shattered. Marika’s shadow stretched across every altar and oath. In the quiet towers of Raya Lucaria, Rennala heard whispers of betrayal. What began as a myth about divinity and distance would become something else entirely, one of a goddess reborn, too vast for her own creation. The scholars called it “metaphysical expansion.” Those who stood beneath the Erdtree that day had another word for it. Giantess." This is just an example. There are plenty of other ways to go about it, but if it appeals to you, feel free to use it. Tone and Voice You’ve built a great cohesive tone across all five chapters with a blend of mythic gravitas and dark humor that works well for the premise. Marika’s arrogance and mounting hunger feel distinct from Rennala’s bitter, cerebral fury, which keeps the dual perspectives interesting. The story occasionally overindulges in description during power sequences, but that fits the macro-fantasy tone; the key is making sure emotional beats don’t get accidentally buried. The narrative voice grows more confident by Chapter 4, when the pacing tightens and the dialogue starts carrying more of the weight. Story Structure and Pacing The first three chapters move like proper acts of an origin story: crucifixion, rebirth, escalation. The pacing picks up once Marika leaves the Erdtree, which gives readers a sense of purpose and progression. By contrast, Chapters 4 and 5 shift focus to Rennala, which is a strong structural move. It broadens the conflict and reframes the narrative as something larger than Marika’s self-indulgence. Watch for the occasional stall where the macro sequences linger too long on measurement and reaction without underlying action. I know they’re crucial to the niche, but they are, at their core, action sequences, so it may help to treat them as such. Cutting or varying sentence rhythm there would maintain momentum, and give you spots where you can really increase some of the sensuality aspects of it. Characterization Marika’s transformation from weary divinity to gleeful power-addict is the working really well. You give her personality through both inner voice and physical reaction. The “note to self” humor after the first growth scene is particularly effective. Rennala’s entrance in Chapter 4 adds real emotional contrast. She’s a good grounded foil to Marika’s chaos. You could develop the Tarnished a bit more as a catalyst figure a bit. Right now, they’re more of a trigger than a presence. World-Building and Lore Integration Your handling of Elden Ring’s lore is strong (although, I admit I had to research it a bit). It’s recognizable but self-aware. The adaptation of runes and the moral logic of divinity all feel internally consistent. You’re using the canon as scaffolding rather than a script, which gives this version of the Lands Between its own identity. It might be helpful for the uninitiated to insert a single clarifying in-world line early on about what the Erdtree is. It would open the story to a wider audience within the niche. Chapter 1-5 Highlights Chapter 1: Hanging In There I love the intro lines. They are beautifully written and grab the reader’s attention right away. Tonally, you set the emotional foundation immediately, and the reader cares about her before the macro elements kick in. The lore is perfectly grounded in mythos (instead of feeling like some kind of setting reskin). If you add a short emotional pause between Radagon’s fall and Marika’s transformation, it would make the scale shift hit harder. Right now, it pivots from high drama to action so fast that the reader barely has time to process the weight of the moment. I love the little humor inserts, too. “Then it had, as the laymen put it, all went tits up,” is not only funny, the sexual reference ties in nicely with the theme of the overall story. It gives the narrator a nice quirk, too. Chapter 2: To Be a Goddess This chapter’s humor is great. Marika’s divine exasperation (“Step one: Clothes. Step two: Go adventuring.”) adds personality and makes her surprisingly likable. The pacing between planning, action, and introspection feels much tighter here. I’d just recommend trimming some of the action blocks. Using shorter sentences during combat or chase scenes will help momentum and make the visuals easier to follow. Chapter 3: A Little Overleveled for Limgrave This chapter has a great rhythm, and the comedy with the soldiers is sharp and fits the world’s tone well. Marika’s power is now matched by wit, and that keeps her compelling. Be careful not to slip into modern ‘meme’ humor too often, or you risk undermining the work you’ve put into building the world. You could consider swapping some of the repetition of her thoughts with a more grounded, introspective moment for balance. Chapter 4: Hell Hath No Fury Pulling Rennala into focus gives readers a breather and instantly raises the stakes. Her grief over Radagon and disgust at Marika’s actions are well handled and offer a perfect mix of drama and absurdity. Macro element is excellent. The knight and mage banter feels organic and breaks tension well, though the pacing could be tightened a little. And again, watch the meme humor. Chapter 5: Like a Gigantic Sorceress This is one of your best-balanced chapters so far. The tone swings between ridiculous, sensual, and epic without losing focus. Rennala’s “Comet Azure” moment is both visually and emotionally strong. Her growth scenes parallel Marika’s but feel distinct because of her intellect and reaction. You could slow the pacing slightly when the magic goes wrong. The transformation sequence feels too fast, and your readers will probably want more time to savor it. That reverse spell is really beautiful, and it deserves a few more beats in its own right. Quick Edits Chapters 1-5 Watch for inconsistent capitalization throughout → Example: “Tarnished” should be capitalized consistently. “Erdtree” and “Lands Between” should be capitalized everywhere. Check for repeated words (like how “power” appears frequently in close succession in chapter 2). Chapter 1 “Her arms and legs burned, the gaping hole in the left side...” → Split for readability → “Her arms and legs burned. The gaping hole in the left side...” “the tarnisheds arrival” → “the Tarnished’s arrival” “Marika should know, her heart was broken and she had far more...” → “Marika should know; her heart was broken, and she had far more...” “Tarnished brave warrior...” → “Tarnished, brave warrior...” “She felt her consciousness blur, when she looked up...” → “She felt her consciousness blur, and when she looked up...” “bounced harmlessly off a shield.If you could call it that.” → needs a space → “bounced harmlessly off a shield. If you could call it that.” “Powerful one's as well, the runes of heroes.” → “Powerful ones as well — the runes of heroes.” “remegre with the Elden Ring” → “reemerge” or ""remerge". If it's "remerge," you could consider "merge once again" for clarity. It's tonally correct if you expand it. “He did not succeed. He did however manage to tap into the power long enough to erect a nigh impenetrable barrier of thorns.” → punctuation and compound modifier → “He did not succeed. He did, however, manage to tap into the power long enough to erect a nigh-impenetrable barrier of thorns.” “Physics be damned there was a tarnished standing inside the Erdtree.” → dash for style and capitalization → “Physics be damned — there was a Tarnished standing inside the Erdtree.” “I just need to acquire power now" Marika said as she exited the throne room.” → missing comma → “I just need to acquire power now,” Marika said as she exited the throne room.” Chapter 2 Missing Commas “...as looked over map” → “...as she looked over the map” “After she beat the seventh one screaming...” → “After she beat the seventh one, screaming...” “Okay Marika, get it together...” → “Okay, Marika, get it together...” Word Choice / Clarity “hide nor hare” → “hide nor hair” “Now then there's two tree's” → “Now then, there are two trees” Punctuation “‘Oh right, clothes.’ Marika said...” → “‘Oh right, clothes,’ Marika said...” “‘Okay Marika, get it together...’ She said...” → “...’ she said...” “‘Skimpy my glorious ass...’” → “‘Skimpy, my glorious ass...’” Typos “tree's go missing...” → “trees” “sell swords” → “sellswords” “chainlinks” → “chain links” Chapter 3 Missing Commas “When I reach my full size I'm going to fix that whole place.” → “When I reach my full size, I'm going to fix that whole place.” “Well actually, he probably just call it a good start.” → “Well, actually, he’d probably just call it a good start.” Typos “Mi'lady” → “Milady” (formal) or “M’lady” (colloquial) “whos” → “whose” Hyphenation / Word Form “I can see your bravery is well tempered...” → “I can see your bravery is well-tempered...” “half shouted falling to her knees.” → “half-shouted, falling to her knees.” Punctuation / Dialogue Commanded Marika...” → “commanded Marika...” “Though I guess this power isn't infinite.’ Marika pondered...” → “Though I guess this power isn't infinite,’ Marika pondered...” Grammar / Clarity “...glowing, and growing.” → “...glowing — and growing.” Chapter 4 Missing Commas “Rennala floated through her chambers cradling her amber egg.” → “Rennala floated through her chambers, cradling her amber egg.” “Then the egg cracked.” → “Then, the egg cracked.” “‘Reports? You mean rumors.’ The woman corrected.” → “‘Reports? You mean rumors,’ the woman corrected.” “‘She’s just one woman.’ The woman countered.” → “‘She’s just one woman,’ the woman countered.” Quotation / Dialogue Punctuation “‘Oh, so you know then?’ The knight backed away...” → “‘Oh, so you know then?’ the knight backed away...” “‘Starless void, its true!’” → “‘it’s” “‘Stupid blonde cow! Was having Radagon not enough?!’ Rennala practically screeched...” → “‘Stupid blonde cow! Was having Radagon not enough?’ Rennala screeched...” → Interrobangs (?!) are acceptable in casual writing, but redundant here. The dialogue tag (‘screeched’) already conveys tone and intensity. Typos “‘She was the greatest mind this academy ever knew.’” → “Academy” (?) “‘The mage nearby keeping her informed...’” → “‘The mage nearby kept her informed...’” “‘Where's that damn tree.’” → “‘Where’s that damn tree?’” “‘Glintstone, shards of starlight, and various spell components flew to her and swirlied around her.’” → “swirled” Hyphenation / Compound Words “double doors” → “double-doors” “half shouted” → “half-shouted” Grammar / Clarity “‘He said turning to leave.’” → “‘he said, turning to leave.’” “‘...mock my love! I'll show her, I'll show everyone!’ Rennala shouted...” → “‘...mock my love! I’ll show her — I’ll show everyone!’ Rennala shouted...” or “‘...mock my love! I’ll show her! I’ll show everyone!’ Rennala shouted... Chapter 5 Missing Commas “Rennala flew full speed across the Liurnia lakes.” → “Rennala flew, full speed, across the Liurnia lakes.” “‘Give me your power you wretched soul stealing sycamore.’” → “‘Give me your power, you wretched, soul-stealing sycamore.’” Typos / Word Form “‘Perhaps the whole exercise in control would have even worked...’” → “…might have even worked...” “...soul stealing sycamore.’” → “…soul-stealing sycamore.” The tree shook, and then shriveled up. Going from perfectly healthy dead and decayed in seconds. → The tree shook, and then shriveled up, going from perfectly healthy to dead and decayed in seconds. “‘Power pounded through her veins and she...’” → “…her veins, and she...” Grammar / Agreement “‘When she rose she understood what had happened.’” → “‘When she rose, she understood what had happened.’” “‘Oh right. You probably aren't happy about this.’ Rennala noted...” → “‘Oh, right. You probably aren't happy about this,’ Rennala noted...” “‘Comet Azure was an intense spell and could easily drain a mages mana supply.’” → “…drain a mage’s mana supply.” Hyphenation / Compound Words “‘blue and gold copy of the Elden Ring was cleanly tattooed across her bosom.’” → “blue-and-gold copy…” Dialogue and Punctuation “‘No time to dally then. I must make haste to my study, No doubt the next stop....” → “‘No time to dally, then. I must make haste to my study. No doubt the next stop...” “‘Eep!’ Was the last word to escape her mouth...’” → “‘Eep!’ was the last word to escape her mouth...’” (lowercase “was” after quote b/c it’s a same-sentence continuation “‘Along the cliffside of the lakes a lone creature stood.’” → “‘Along the cliffside of the lakes, a lone creature stood.’” “‘Mind you none of three combatants had expected death in the form of sixteen tons of sexy mage. Let alone a sexy mage moving at near terminal velocity. ’” → “Mind you, none of the three combatants expected death in the form of sixteen tons of sexy mage, let alone a sexy mage moving at near-terminal velocity.” Style and Readability There are a few things I’ve noticed: 1. Long sentences. There is a tendency toward long sentences where the reader would be served by splitting the clauses into shorter ones. 2. Unconnected sentences. There are many clipped sentences that, if combined, would provide a more rhythmic cadence. 3. Commas. There are some sentences that are linked with a comma but need coordinating conjunctions to link them properly. 4. Action vs. exposition. The action is sometimes a bit too compressed, while the exposition is a bit too long. This is normal is working drafts, and I have to correct my own stuff all the time .5. The use of “well,” “so,” and similar. It’s a natural form of expression, albeit somewhat casual. While some might object that it breaks the story’s mythic tone, it’s actually the reason I quite like it. It gives the sense the narrator is a true third-party reteller and is injecting their own thoughts into the story. It’s a subtle quirk, but I think it enhances the storytelling, so long as it’s not overused. That said, you do need to offset the “well,” “so,” etc. with a comma, and just be careful to use the words with structural intent. Too many weakens the character’s vibe, but too few might make the words seem out of place. As a side note, you offset “okay” and “oh” correctly most of the time in the opening. 6. Language that is a bit too casual on its own. If you’re going to use things like “sorta” as part of your narrator’s voice, make sure to pepper them in occasionally, and if possible, pick one specific word and stick with it consistently. Overuse or minimal use both end up ‘feeling’ wrong. I’d eliminate them for this story (and use sort of, which is casual enough), but my opinion isn’t necessarily the only one, or the right one. This also applies to “meme-speak,” which feels very out of place in your world. Things like, “stahp,” “thicc,” etc, are cute (and probably genre appropriate), but with the care you’ve taken in the mythos, don’t undermine it. You can communicate those same thoughts with stronger words/ideas/descriptions, and you’ll likely find they improve the story overall. 7. Word repetition. Using the same word back-to-back can sound awkward to the reader. It’s not uncommon in early drafts, and our repeats are usually words we tend to use a lot in our own speech. You want to watch for repeat sentence starts (especially pronouns like “She” too many times in a row), and duplicate words within the same sentences or paragraphs. 8. All caps shouting. It’s not necessary, and not generally used in story writing. When it is, it’s used sparingly. Switch to lower case and use exclamation marks. 9. Dialogue tags. Use commas at the end of dialogue if it comes before dialogue tags. 10. Double-check the growth pattern—she might skip from 16 to 18 ft without a growth event. Going forward, I will try not to bring the same points up for the rest of part one, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t something you need to watch out for going forward. (...and please don’t think I’m picking on you, or that I don’t like the story. I like the story a lot.) Here are some examples: Chapter 1 1. She had watched the land stagnate, a world that was once filled with life and beauty. Now gilded in gold and rotting on the inside. She had watched the land stagnate, a world once filled with life and beauty, now gilded with gold but rotting on the inside. 2. So Marika made a choice, she hatched a plan. One to shatter the Greater Wills' hold on the world. She would start with the Elden Ring. The magical matrix upon which the laws of reality were encoded. She had intended to simply reintroduce the concept of death at first. Then from there she would modify the rules further. To achieve some sort of balance between the power of Greater Will and a way of life that could still thrive. So, Marika hatched a plan to shatter the Greater Wills’ hold on the world. She would start with the Elden Ring, the magical matrix upon which the laws of reality were encoded. First, she would reintroduce the concept of death; from there she would modify the rules further. Doing so would neuter the Greater Will and restore a thriving way of life. Note: Even though neuter is a bit cynical, it incorporates the sexuality inherent to the overall story. It also reiterates the subtext of bodily power and loss. 3. “’Well almost anybody,” “Well they're no Godfrey,’” and “Now then there's two tree's.” ”Well, almost anybody.” “Well, they’re no Godfrey.” “Now then, there are two trees.” Oops, that's from Ch. 2. Since it fits the heading, I'll leave it here. Chapter 2 1. “Marika lounged on her bed, it wasn't as comfortable as she remembered. “ ”Marika lounged on her bed, but it wasn't as comfortable as she remembered.” 2. “Unfortunately, she hadn't seen hide nor hare of the Tarnished since their unfortunate accident. Never one to be idle, she busied herself with studying the Elden Ring and her new Great Rune. She unfortunately didn't have much power over the Ring anymore.” “Unfortunately, she hadn’t seen hide nor hare of the Tarnished since their accident. Never one to be idle, she busied herself with studying the Elden Ring and her new Great Rune. She no longer had much power over the Ring.” 3. "I still feel like I'm forgetting something." She said as she started down the capital street.” "I still feel like I'm forgetting something," she said, as she started down the capital street. 4. “Marika didn't let up, she swung her hammer again and again, each time taking chunk after chunk out of the creatures' immense bulk. It was on her fourth swing she realized two things. One, she may have underestimated the creatures' fighting prowess. Two despite her current size she was not nearly as heavy or strong as the humanoid plant monster.” “Marika didn't let up, she swung her hammer again and again, each time taking chunk after chunk out of the creatures' immense bulk. It was on her fourth swing she realized two things: One, she may have underestimated the creatures' fighting prowess. Two, despite her current size she was not nearly as heavy or strong as the humanoid plant monster.” As a side note, this is also begging for a stand-alone resolution statement, like “Both of these were problematic.” (Yes, that particular sentence might not be the best.  My point still stands.).Chapter 3 1. The bridge scene is lively, but I did have to read it twice to figure out what was going on. I’m not sure if that’s a formatting issue, of if the speakers need better clarification. 2. ”She spoke and waved a hand over all them. As she did she tapped into the Elden Ring within her. Altering the Golden Order slightly. She felt power leave her and watched as a golden light drifted lazily down towards the soldiers below. It looked almost like sparkling snow.” ”Marika waved a hand over them. Tapping into the Elden Ring within her, she altered the Golden Order slightly, allowing power to leave her. She watched a glittering, golden light drift toward the soldiers below, falling on them like snow.” 3. Love the scene in North Limgrave Mistwood Forest. It needs some line edits, but content-wise, it’s great. Chapter 4 1. I’m confused about the mages being dangerous. It could be a typo, or it might be an inconsistency: “After all mages were dangerous beings when they were stable. Without stability, without purpose, a mage could go mad.” { Are mages dangerous at all time, but worse when they go mad? Or are they dangerous only when unstable (and there’s a typo in the first sentence)? As a reader, I take it to mean Mages are powerful and unpredictable even when stable, but become catastrophic when unstable. If that’s the case, it needs clarification. You could try something like: “After all, even a stable mage was a dangerous being—but without stability, without purpose, a mage could go mad.” That entire paragraph needs sentence structure cleanup, but the core idea within it is really good. 2. The dialogue following “The enormous double doors to the chambers opened wide,” needs some speaker clarification with the dialogue tags. That said, it is spectacular exposition through active dialogue. I learned so much about Rennala without you having to tell me anything. Great use of “show don’t tell.” The line “"My queen, you're lucid? Er that is to say...’" speaks volumes. (“My Queen, you’re lucid? Er—that is to say…”) 3. Other than the types of line edits I’ve mentioned before, this is a great chapter. Chapter 5 1. The reverse Comet Azure is so good! You could look at revising the long sentences laying it out for us, though. It’s visually rich, but that makes it heavy, so slicing up the sentences would make each piece of the process really pop. 2. The description of Rennala’s transformation is strong, but look at varying your verbs (“felt,” “watched,” “saw”) to avoid repetition during the growth sequence. 3. This chapter again needs sentence structure work, but it’s another great installment. Macro / Thematic Notes The central metaphor of growth as both empowerment and corruption is coming through well. The physical expansion mirrors moral inflation; Marika’s hunger for power and Rennala’s retaliation feel like opposite sides of the same cosmic ego. On the more practical side, it may be because I’m not well-versed in the niche, but I was left wanting more for these intro macro scenes (and that is a sentence I never thought I’d write ). What I mean by that:I wanted even more resistance in the first instances. I wanted more ecstasy in subsequent instances. It’s not that it wasn’t there; it clearly was. I think you could have gone in harder with both in these early scenes and really roped the reader into want all the things. It would make for a frenzied read (I consider that a good thing). I get that you want to leave yourself room for escalation later, but I think a bit more could be managed upfront. If not, you might consider having her first episode in chapter one be a bit more distressing, and have her struggle more with getting into it. It will make the second round excitement feel more earned. And, obviously, you stepped it up later in Chapter 3 (North Limgrave Mistwood Forest), and it was excellent. I still think there’s more room beforehand to give the reader a little more. Stuff I Really Liked The opening paragraph. It’s vivid and really nails the mythological tone. The paragraph that opens with, "Wait, that's brighter than usual. What's happening?" While the paragraph does need a little clean-up, it again does a good job of meeting the mythology tone. I like the lore of the spirits, and Marika’s reflection on the situation (both with and without the stone). The narrator’s voice. When they aren’t leaning too casual, I like their quirks and style of humor. The draining of the tree's energy. Marika’s voice. She’s consistent, and feels very real. I was surprised she was so empathetic. She has very insightful moments as well, such as “She didn't want her followers thinking she was a monster who was going to start devouring their souls.” Her humor is fantastic, too, seen in little blips like, “Now then, you glorified dandelion, I'll be taking that power back," ”Step one: Clothes. Step two: Go adventuring,” and “Skimpy, my glorious ass.” She’s a lot to take in, but not too over-the-top, which allows for the macro element to come into focus (and be the over-the-top element). Marika talking to her self aloud. It enhances the sense of being alone and having no one else to talk to. However, she does talk out loud a lot—you could consider giving her some internal thoughts (denoted by italics instead of quotes). That’s stylistic on my part, though, and I do enjoy her running self-dialogue. How you’ve attached negative, but still sensual, physical fallout from growth. Marika being ‘sensitive’ after sitting down is good. It paints a full story, not just a quickie smut story. Chapter two’s “Perish," Marika intoned as she cast forth more flame.” paragraph. It’s a good action scene. All of the action at the end of chapter 2 is solid, and makes for a great read. Pretty much every single paragraph where you take a true mythic tone. How well you’ve differentiated Rennala and Mirika. It would have been really easy to make them generic cutouts, but they’re incredibly distinct so far. How they approach their powers and their motivations are very well executed. Rennala’s personality is rendered as well as Marika’s. Her barely-reigned-in fury is both terrifying and delightful. The way you handled the reverse Comet Azure. The macro stuff is solid, and you’ve worked it into the world well. Final Thoughts Chapters 1–5 You’ve captured legitimate mythic struggle framed through transformation rather than simple titillation, and that’s something rare in fetish-adjacent fiction. Addressing the weaknesses here, it’s mostly in the finer writing elements. A good line edit would clean up sentence structure, pacing, and consistency, giving you a seriously good piece of fiction that is memorable beyond its niche. Tonally, the major weakness would be your language moving to close to modern meme territory, so be careful to stick to dry wit. Your best stuff leans into the mythic tone and vibe, hands down. Regardless of any weaknesses in those sections, the paragraphs of pure mythos are wonderful to read. You obviously know what you’re doing with the macro elements, and they’re genuinely well-written (but watch for meme elements). You’ve got a strong backbone here that puts story first and has great narrative weight. I look forward to the next set of chapters! Jayne My review philosophy: "I'll Explain, but not Disclaim"  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 10/15/2025 @ 9:38pm EDT