This week: FireworksEdited by: Robert Waltz
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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
I love to go get fireworks, even though some of them are illegal.
You may be a redneck if... your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
Fourth of July's coming up.
Presumably, even if you're not in the US, you've heard of this celebration commemorating the signing of the Declaration of Independence, which didn't technically happen until July 6, didn't actually take effect until we sent the Brits packing (temporarily), and eventually had the effect of replacing one authoritarian government with another.
Because Americans love blowing things up, this day is traditionally celebrated by blowing things up. Ideally, said things are in the air when they explode, or, at the very least, not in your hand. Yes, I'm talking to you, Four-Fingers Francis.
But hey, Home of the Brave, right? And how better to demonstrate your bravery than lighting Chinese-made firecrackers? Preferably in a crowd.
Ever read the instructions on a firecracker? I mean, I wouldn't blame you if you didn't. Those things are designed to be user-friendly. It's not rocket science. Rocket instructions are just a little more complex. But maybe we should be reading those instructions, considering how many people can't seem to follow these simple guidelines:
1) Light fuse.
To be fair, if you skip step 1, step 2 is unnecessary. The problem is a lot of people don't follow step 2.
For some reason, people have been setting off fireworks more than usual in this year's run-up to Independence Day. Depending on who you ask, that reason is either a) connected to the recent protests and demonstrations or b) a Deep State conspiracy to get us used to loud noises so we won't notice when the cops start shooting at more of us.
But I say, never go straight to conspiracy when plain old human idiocy might be involved. Still, I can't definitively rule out (b). I mean, absence of evidence just means They're really, really good at this conspiracy stuff, right? Except if They were really good at this conspiracy stuff, then we wouldn't even consider the possibility of conspiracy, would we? Study it out, sheeple!
A lot of fireworks are illegal where I live. I mean, we can use sparklers, maybe, but the really fun ones are forbidden by law. This doesn't stop us, of course. I'm always amused at the number of tags from my state on cars parked at the fireworks megastore that is coincidentally situated just across the state line. Um, not that I've been to it, of course. I've... heard. From friends. Yeah. That's the ticket.
So it turns out that the things that we use to celebrate our freedom from tyranny are being tyranically restricted. Oh, sure, you can cite safety, noise issues, and fire hazards, but we all know the real reason: They hate our freedom!
Some fiery comedy for you. Hopefully not duds:
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Last time, in "Going Out" , I talked about recreating the experience of going out when you're stuck at home.
LegendaryMasK❤ : Loved your rendition of going out scenarios for us. Especially the barber/stylist. It has been years since I went myself due to a very bad hair cut and I paid a whopping $75 for it on top of that. I enjoyed the movie idea, which I'm headed to the in-home theater tonight An oldie, but goodie, "McClintock" starring John Wayne and Maureen O'Hara. Light on the motor oil, please, trying to cut back.
You know, it occurs to me that I've only ever seen one John Wayne movie, and I can't even remember which one that was. And I don't even have any excuse, since these days you can find pretty much any movie from any era online. Still, I'm looking forward to being able to go back to theater movies at some point, overpriced concessions and all.
🌓 HuntersMoon : As usual, your dry wit and warped sense of humor shine in this stupendous soliloquy. But enough of the praise... I need to go shred a $50 bill in your honor. 😂 🤣
Thanks! Or, you can just send it to me.
Write 2 Publish 2020 : I’m laughing out loud!!! My hubby had to have a huge TV so I get the theater experience. I’ve been to my stylist who is a friend.
I have a projector and a huge screen. Unfortunately the system is currently nonfunctional due to some water damage. Similarly, I'm starting to look like a massive hippie with the hair and beard. I kind of like the look. I think I'll keep it. When you're a man my age and still have hair, might as well flaunt it, right?
Lilli ☕ : LMAO!
High praise indeed.
🐾GeminiGem 🐾 : Replicating the "going out" experience was one of your finest newsletters. It was disturbingly insightful and funny. The Beach was my favorite. Believe it or not, I was a beach bum in my (much) younger days. It seemed like the right thing to do at the time.
I've done the beach thing, too. Never again. Well, not without a hammock, shade, and a supply of umbrella drinks.
SB Musing : This is great! I especially love the movie theater experience at home because it's true. Also, randomly have screens on in the darkness to simulate people on their phones when they shouldn't be. Maybe set it up so something rhythmically kicks your seat like that kid who you want to throw your popcorn at. That's how half of it ended on the floor anywho.
My favorite movie theater these days has beer and real food, discourages kids, and cracks down on people using dumbphones or talking. It's actually a very pleasant experience that has spoiled me against ever going to more traditional movie theaters. As a bonus, it's within stumbling distance of my house.
Patriotic~Poetry : This was really funny and spot on! I could actually imagine (and remember) the days like that. Then having to pay for them is the cherry on top, right?
That cherry is an extra $10.
Odessa Molinari smiling : How about a holiday? "Staycation" [E]
I usually deride portmanteau neologisms, but in this case, I'm just mad I didn't come up with the term myself, lo these many years ago.
So that's it for me for June! See you next month. Until then, try not to lose any fingers, stay cool and
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