Can't Find What I Need

This is a poem about self injury.

Where did it go?
I am in a panic
looking for it
my weakness
a part of me
hopes I don't find it
but the other half
the demon half
tells me I need it
so I pour a drink
let the liquor numb
me and I find
what I am looking for
In a dark corner
My razor
I take it and. . .
everything goes numb
It's a nice feeling
Don't ever try it
It is addicting
almost like chocolate
once you start you can't stop
and everything spins
in a downward spiral
out of control
nothing can compare
to this
nothing-drink nor drug
I pour myself a little more
and start to clean up this mess
just as I am finished
my door flies open
It is my mother
another close call
hopes she doesn't notice
she doesn't
even though the signs are all
around
You would have to be blind not to notice
But she doesn't
I kick her out
and turn off the lights
and hide my stuff
for tomorrow night. . .