*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile.php/reviews/troubadour/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/10
Review Requests: OFF
882 Public Reviews Given
2,600 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
Previous ... 6 7 8 9 -10- 11 12 ... Next
226
226
Review of The Dolphin  
Rated: E | (4.5)
I like this poem quite a lot, its sensitivity, its honesty and the quiet cry of despair hidden in its words.

Two comments however on usage:
"The wind she cradles me gently, slowing my descent,
and from her arms, I was then passed on to the water."

In English, it is not common to set up a subject (the wind) then add a corresponding pronoun (she) before using the verb (cradles.) She is one word too many. In the second line, "I was then passed on to the water" is awkward. You were not a football, and the verb passed evokes that immediately. We pass an object from one person to another. And if you keep this verb, INTO the water is better English. I would write something more traditionally "poetic" here : "and from her arms, I was then gently lowered into the water."

And at the very end of your poem, I don't like the mix of tense between the last four lines. If you keep the last line in the past tense, change "circles" in the present to "circled" in the past. The flow will be better.

And excellent poem and one I am glad to have discovered.

Keep up the creative work,
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
227
227
Review of India  
Rated: E | (4.5)
You have written a moving tribute to the country of India. It is colorful, a verbal photo album from a voyage dear to your heart.

If I had a criticism to formulate it would be to unify a tad bit more your line length. Two very short lines stick out like sore thumbs :"and warms you up" which could conceivably be eliminated from the poem; and "Her spirit is free." This last line says something important, relevant to the entire poem, and maybe you should leave it be. But it is a small matter of maintaining as harmonious a visual "ensemble" as you can.

Keep up the good work,
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
228
228
Review of Terminal  
Rated: E | (2.5)
You announce in your introduction that this poem is written for women having battled cancer.

Your immediate metaphor is to compare them with a raven. Female heels become talons which ravens use as weapons.

I am sorry, but I don't follow this much further.

Your first two stanzas are brimming with incongruous phrases. "Rain looming in leaky hollowness." A roof leaks, rain does not. "A raven lay [in the] void." Or void OF SOMETHING. You certainly mean lifeless, but the use of void is awkward. And this was the first time I asked myself, "what's a raven got to do with woman battling and eventually dying of cancer?"

"Wings thirsting tenderly" doesn't mean much, unless you immediately speak of freedom. But this line comes immediately after the void raven, and if she'd dead, the wings can no longer either beat or thirst for freedoms. And is it the WINGS which would thirst for freedom? It's maybe a lovely combination of words, but they have to be more skillfully crafted for the average reader to understand their implications together.

Idem for
"depleted by silk lace façades
left to cover incomplete sleep
with pleas urging her to break
in pain."
The words are lovely, but what do they mean? In my book, death is not incomplete sleep, it is permanent sleep. But maybe I'm lacking in poetic liberty. This is certainly an elaborate description of the casket, but then what does "urging her to break in pain" have to do with anything? Break FROM pain, OK, I would understand that. Maybe it's a problem of word choice...

Throughout your poem you have many interesting groups of words, which seem to me to have been combined simply for the sake of combining words. Frequently your ill-chosen adjectives, adverbs and verbs have made me wonder "what is he really talking about?" That's OK two or three times in a poem, but I have pondered almost EVERY line here. It's dangerous to write in suce a way as to force the reader to reread two or three times the entire ppoem to catch its subtlety, but the experienced reader that I am still understands nothing of the details in this poem after more that three readings.

Keep writing, but remember, all of your readers are not as intelligent as you are, and none of us know what was going on in your mind when you decided to combine words like "consuming her in ink like blankness.."

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
229
229
Review of William Archer  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
This is indeed a sweet tribute to the birth of a child, but it could easily have been called "Sarah Jane". You have nothing specific to say about the child identified as William Archer. Not that he has a head full of fluffy blond hair, or a wrinkled nose, or even the perfect count of ten tiny fingers and ten tiny toes. You simply assure the reader that he will be loved.

In your opening lines, you make a comparison: that he came into this world fighting. Why fighting? Did he almost die? You mention "fighting like some of his ancestors." There needs to be some sort of precision for this comparison. Are the two mentioned in the poem families of mixed races and this is why the children are considered to come into this world fighting? Are they of mixed religions and will have to fight off opinionated people all their lives? This is extremely unclear.

There are, in my mind, many details which need to be worked out or explained to the reader so that this poem becomes a personalized portrait of William Archer and not just another very welcomed new born.

But that's just one man's opinion.

Keep writing,
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

230
230
Review of The Attic  
Rated: E | (3.5)
The premise of this poem is interesting, that ghosts are with us daily and that they communicate and our problem is to understand their signals.

Your list in the middle of the poem is much too long; it is clear that these elements are important to you as a human being, or even as a writer, but they all have little tie-in with the body of the poem itself. As easily as you could have added chocolate and Bach, poodles and crisp bank notes, you should limit it to the elements which have some tie to the poem.

And although your lines are short, this is a long poem. It would be easier for the reader were you to divide it into stanzas.

Keep writing.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
231
231
Review of Sundown  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Wren has painted another perfect picture, this time about life dwindling from the population of an old folks home.

Her portraits are true, her poetic color is polychrome, and her sincerity is not overwhelming. She shows, she paints a grim truth, but without going overboard.

This poem is a masterpiece I would recommend to everyone sensitive enough to understand and appreciate the plight of our elder citizens.

Bravo, Wren
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
232
232
Review of Lonely, again  
Rated: E | (3.5)
"Slowly the goodness is seaping from me....
...
Drip, drip, drip."

The driping implies the tears of the loneliness you mention further in the poem, but the relationship between this loneliness and the GOODNESS dripping from you is poorly established. There is something lacking here, in my opinion.

"Wondering
If you
Were nothing but a dream
And only I could see you
Only I could speak to you"
this thought it incomplete. Wondering if you were real, I realized I was just speaking to myself; the connection is poorly established.

Poetry is NOT a collection of simple random thoughts placed with black words on white paper; there are a few connections missing in this poem which should be easy to edit into your poem. It can be done with a bit of punctuation or the addition of a word here or there to link your ideas.

A good way to write poetry is first to write all of your ideas in complete sentences and then eliminate the words, keeping only the phrases that merely suggest the meaning which is flowing in your head. Good poetry does not leave the story line for the reader to complete - good images will take the reader into his own mind to add to the elements you have crafted into your poem.

Keep writing,
alfred
233
233
Rated: E | (5.0)
A tearful pride, the Irish have. You share it well. There is a longing spreading out from this poem which warms my heart, even tho' I not be an Irish lad.

One line, yet again, bothers me:
"Though you may ne'er stepped on Irish shores?"
Shouldn't you write ne'er HAVE stepped?

I especially like the closing stanza with the refrain idea taken from the preceding one. Very lyrical. Have you any musical talents?

An excellent read.
alfred
234
234
Review of HATRED  
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Ann,

The hardest thing about our introduction boxes is the limit on the characters. I found this poem on the left-hand side "newbie" section of our pages and didn't know who was the author.

Your line "Ê"Hatred" is aimed toward religious conservatives who hate gays causing deaths"
makes it sound like it's the gay people causing death, and I almost expected an anti-AIDS piece. You might want to rephrase this just a tad...

As for the poem itself, I'm not sure what to think about it. It seems a little obvious and I don't find anything terribly original in your text. I'm sorry I was not more receptive to it.

I would play the devil's advocate with your first line - "from an evil heart," is only one point of view. My "good" Christian family is pursuaded of their pure hearts when treating me as the devil's spawn. The way your poem is phrased, you do not define this phrase but go on to include it in your definition of hatred. I think, after writing this, that what I don't like about your poem is that it is not explicite enough - you don't permit yourself to go into any detail.

I definitely would place a colon at the end of the following line "Rushing with destruction; crushing life." as your first stanza is defining "hatred."

I rate this at a FOUR star because the world needs more poetry like this, the world needs to realize that injustice must end. Unfortunately, I am pessimistic.

Keep up the good work
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
235
235
Review of Sorrow  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
There is a lot of raw emotion here which gives your poem a lot of force. I wonder though if you have edited it? So many poets seem to think that poetry must never be touched, and indeed it takes a lot of experience to maintain the original emotivity which created the piece while editing it. That's why it's important to have friends who read your items. In lieu of friends, here at WDC we have fellow writers who have all been in the same predicament : wondering if we have done the best job possible of writing the dictates of our hearts.

My favorite lines of the poem are the following:
Your ignorance of my plight,
Causes phoenix tears to burn strong,
Illuminating my saddened face,

What I want to do now is not showmanship, it is simply a way to show you that with a few minor changes your ideas can become stronger and speak louder.

*Bullet*Your first line is too long when you look at it compared to the body of the poem. You imply death in this poem, buried deep in the ground. I would use that immediately in the first line which might be better:
Looking through the watery surface reflecting back at me,
"Looking down, the watery surface reflects back at me."

*Bullet*There were two present participles in the first line, and here you add three more.
Drowning as you smile.
Sinking deeper into this dark grave,
Burying me along with your pain.
I would change the last line and write simply:
"Bury me along with your pain." You close this first portion of the poem with an act instead of continuing to describe. In my opinion it is much stronger this way.

*Bullet*Now we come to your first question. Which might be two, depending on how you phrase things.
What did I ever do?
With the exception of loving you.
If you intend two questions, I would place a question mark at the end of this second line. But, because there is another question following these lines, I would combine them in the following way so as not to bog down the reader:
"What did I ever do
except to love you?"

*Bullet*The next question, in my mind is only one and the question mark would be better placed at the end of the second line:
Did I deserve this misery?
Time after time thrown at me.

*Bullet*Choking down resignation. Here you have a period, I would use a comma for your idea continues another two lines.

*Bullet*Evaporating these deep depths,
Where I fell so long ago.
Evaporating seems to be the wrong verb. And deep depths is redundant. Use another adjective like "unending" or "bottomless."

*Bullet*Only, with my end will it cease and become right
This is the last line of your poem. "And become right" is a tad too trite in my opinion. It is often very difficult to end a poem and I agree that you need something to brighten the gloom of your poem at the end of it, but "right" doesn't seem to be what's called for.

You have the makings of a good poem here but in my mind you need to take a bit more time to edit. The ideas I have shared with you do not fundamentally change anything in your poem - they are what I would do to "tighten" the flow of your words so as to maximize their impact on the reader.

Of course another poet taking the same amount of time to review this poem would have other ideas. They only reflect my personal state of mind after reading your poem.

Keep up the good work,

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
236
236
Review of Last Kiss  
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
like a born-again host?s wife
on a Christian network.

It's OK to take political or religious positions, and lord knows there are not enough of us doing so.

But this part of the stanza has no place in your wonderfully sensitive poem about a young child's last kiss for his dead mother. Which explains my low rating.

Keep writing, but not every subject can withstand a glance of outside humour. This one would have been so much better if you'd resisted the temptation.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
237
237
Review of Leaking Blue  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
I too, am "into writing." I differ from you in that I truly want to share what I have written so I correct my mistakes as try to do the best job I can when presenting my texts.

Your introduction:
(One of my songs many like, hard to inderstnd sorry.)
says much about you. That you are happy that your text is hard to understand and that you don't care about that fact. That's fine. I for one, understood everything in your poem, and liked it, like the "many" you speak of in your introduction.

Taking the risk of repeating myself, in public once again, your texts are riddled with errors and that is a pity.

Keep writing. And above all, edit please. What you have to say is worth spreading around.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
238
238
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
You have a lovely poem which in my opinion is spoiled by systematic errors in your text.

Here at WDC we are not obliged to write on-line, and even if we choose to do so, there is a spell checker available for us everytime we hit our EDIT button (it is on the same toolbar.)

If you want readers to take you seriously as a writer, you must polish your text. it matters not if you are 15, 75 with no education or a doctorate's degree. If your text is sloppy, many readers will turn away. And in this case it would be too bad, because your ideas are interesting.

Keep writing and above all, never fear to edit.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
239
239
Review of Everlasting  
Rated: E | (3.0)
You have several typos in your text, one of which, the "fleecing" in the last line, may alter the meaning this crucial spot. Never hesitate to reread two or three times to catch those errors that a spellchecker won't catch. Fleecing as well as fleeting both exist and the only person to catch this type of error is the author.

This last line is filled with an impied double negative which makes it extremely difficult to understand your meaning.
"Like a fleecing moment everlasting never."
I presume you meant "fleeting" which is a word which implies something temporary. Everlasting is a synonym for forever, implying it will continue to be stable until the end. Never at the end of the line cancels everything. What do you mean by this last line? I normally like lines such as this one, which are designed to make the reader stop and ponder for a moment, but I'm still pondering with not many solutions on the wandering horizon...

I will not speak to you of repetitions in poetry. I fear it would do no good. "Everlasting" is your title word and it is a lovely word to be used as an idŽe fixe. You use it three times as well as its synonym forever which is used thrice as well. But I don't have the impression when reading your text that you reserve this word for the most special moments in the poem to highlight a particular idea or set of words.

You have an interesting concept for a poem, but I'm not sure that you have taken the time to express your ideas as clearly as they might one day be expressed, for I got a bit lost.

A writer's most difficult job is getting the ideas which always seem crystal clear in our individual heads to appear limpid on the page, accessible to any reader. One should not have to force the reader to read between the lines, even when writing abstract concepts in poetry, such as you express here.

Keep writing, follow your heart, but remember that you readers don't know what's in your head and if you want them to follow your paths, you must really show them the way.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
240
240
Review of Will I ever  
Rated: E | (3.0)
YOu have a few interesting ideas sketched in this small poem. It could easily be expanded, which I would try to do, if not for the poetic exercise.

However the basis premise of your questions "willl I ever become this" or "will I (just) become that?" is inherently one of comparison. You indicate a viable comparison in stanzas two, three and five. One and four don't really follow the pattern. And in order to make the comparisons more accute, I would add the word JUST that I placed in parentheses.

In the last stanza you need to use dream in the plural.

Keep writing,
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
241
241
Review of The Drifter  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Once you get into the dialogue where the line cuts show the reader the distance between your ideas, you very effectively develop your three characters. The descriptive passages need to be reworked to flow more smoothly.

As a general rule writers here on WDC have opted for a single spacing between paragraphs and dialogue lines for reader comfort. You may or may not indent first lines of paragraphs.

What you have written here has many of the essential elements for an introduction - you give the reader the desire to learn more about what's going to happen when he turns the page. Now, you have to furnish us with those pages.

Things I would change:
*Bullet*against the mackerel sky, mottled with pink and gold.
In my opinion, "mackerel" is not really a color and since I've never seen one fresh out of the sea, I am not sure that your use is correct. If the following "mottled pink and gold" is a true description of the color of a mackerel, then you're defining the term and in any case I think both adjectives are unnecessary.

*Bullet*In the first paragraph, you muse between MEN's needs and MAN's need. I would uniformize this.

*Bullet*From the second sentence here you start a new idea - it would be better to cut the new idea into a new paragraph.
These are the thought that run through one travelers head, if not so eloquently put into words but rather a vague feeling.

The man stared out the window for a few more minutes and then turned, pressing his head into the uncomfortable seat.

In general your paragraphs are too large with too much information in them.

*Bullet*In the part commencing with "the man stared out of the window..." you have several typos which need to be corrected.

*Bullet*Indeed in the rest of the paragraph, after my proposed cut, there are too many unrelated things which happen. I would cut it yet again two or three times. Too much being said in one chunk of words.

*Bullet*IN the following paragraph where you include dialogue, it is common practice to seperate the lines of dialogue with seperate paragraphs to help the readers follow the changes.
She said, outstretching her hand. He stared at it for a few minutes, as if perplexed, and then grinned and shook it. "Tom."
Here your change of speaker is indicated in one single word. It would take just a "he responded." for the reader to understand what's going on instead of having to reread the second time. I thought she was talking to her boyfriend asking him to introduce himself the first time I read through this passage. (Of course this was cleared up in the next paragraph, but I had already reread...) A bit confusing where a bit more clarification on the writer's part would have put the reader at ease.

You seem to have the ideas, now you need to go back and edit, put your text through a spellcheck and grammar check just in case and spend hours making sure your text flows as smoothly for your reader as it does invisibly in your head. Writer's all know automatiacally what they want to say, putting it into phrases that any reader can follow eaily is the difficult part.

Keep writing,
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **



242
242
Review of In My Dreams  
Rated: E | (3.0)
There are a few rough ideas expressed here, in my mind they could be better refined.

Your entire poem repeats itself too much, you have made no attempt to use synonyms to enrich your images. You speak of endless "dead men" and repeat identically several several phrases. The predictable nature of your words can also have the opposite of the hypnotic effect you may have desired : it can bore your reader.

In a gothic rock song, your text can repeat with only three or different words in each strophe. In poetry, I personally don't see the need to such repetition.

Dead men can be ghosts rattling their decrepit bones, they can be ghoulish vampires; there are all sorts of nasty images one can create to speak of the living dead who haunt our dreams, which could become "nightmares" very easily in your poem for another bit of variety.

But I don't intend to rewrite this poem for you.
As always, I remain a faithful reader for authors who, stimulated by my reviews, desire my opinion concerning their eventual revisions.

Keep working,
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
243
243
Review of Night's Solace  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
What is written here is brilliant.

Apparently well documented from the historical side, but my major complaint is that if this is true to historlcal fact, the means by which they treated prisoners in need of psychological help would be interesting. Thus your story ends much too soon. Has he become a bumbling idiot because of the solitary confinement and will he be healed once his life returns to something more normal? This I think is essential to the story.

Although this story is very long and I hope unfinished, I eagarly recommend it to anyone curious about the effects of solitary confinement on the psyche of a prisoner.

Congratulations for a well-written story.
alfred
244
244
Rated: E | (3.5)
Well, it's a nice introductory paragraph. You tell the beginning of a scene, for the important part seems to be right at the end, her recognition of the friar. It's too bad you stopped right in the middle.

Your sentence
"The liquefaction of her hair indicating stale blood, following her every move, her every motion."
doesn't mean anything. Liquefaction is something solid turned liquid. Stale blood is no longer liquid but more solid. The rest of the sentence seems to mean that she is bleeding and leaving a trail of blood behind her, but this has nothing to do with liquefaction. So what seems to be a major part of the beginning of your paragraph is in dire need of correction.

It's nice to use big important words, but you have to know HOW to use them.

Your item's introduction is complete gibberish. "hey hexlcbkfgbnfgnghfxbcjgnv fdgdffdgfg fg dfgfdgfd fgfdgf fgdgfd fgfgdfI" certainly doesn't mean a thing to me. I have no idea why you have written this. Cute tricks like this may get a reader every now and then, but my bet is that most will not even open the item. If you were trying to show us what an uneducated Christian talks like or how he writes, this could also be insulting. Either way, in my opinion, your gibberish device doesn't help your item.

Keep writing,
alfred
245
245
Rated: 13+ | (1.0)
The story here may or knot be interessting. It may or knot be a teen genre. I'm two old to no that any more. I forgetted.

It is riddled with spelling and grammar errors and even if you are 14 years old, you should know how to use the SpellChecker and Grammer Check on your computer's software.

Normally I fill my reviews with help correcting the mistakes, helping a flailing writer learn how to do things properly. In the first paragraph alone there are between 8 and fifteen errors, depending on whether or not I'm counting missing commas.

Did you take the time to proofread your work? If you don't care enough about it to make sure it is correctly written, why should I bother reading it? When you place your work in public for mature writers to read, you cannot rely on the catch-all phrase "everybody writes that way." If this is a representative example of the way American youth is writing today, then we must collectively fear for tomorrow.

Keep writing, having exploitable ideas is important. But you cannot keep hiding behind the fact that you "don't know how to write". You'll have to learn to do so properly one day, so why put of till tomorrow what you can do today?

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
246
246
Review of All Poets  
Rated: E | (3.0)
The basic grammatical construction of your poem is erroneous. When you use the past subjunctive form, If I were, you must use the conditional and not the future tense with it. So your phrase
"If all poets were poets,
heaven will be groomed, "
is to be properly written "...heaven would be groomed."

To properly master the English language you need to correct this throughout the entire poem.

You have several errors in your text, a verb or two improperly conjugated, improper plurals and a few typos. A writer can never edit too much. You should not count on your readers to do the correcting for you, their job is to appreciate the best poem you are capable of putting before the public.

Also, your introduction is misleading. You have not mentioned professions in this poem.

Keep writing,
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
247
247
Review of Close Your Eyes  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
I think there is are many lovely phrases in this poem which is well written.

You have a leit-motif running through the poem, your "I'll be the/that" lines. You use them irregularly and there is one stanza which does not use the phrase at all. One stanza in which every phrase begins this way. And other stanzas where you have "I"ll be..." This at once gives a unity to the poem but where that unity is broken stands out like the proverbial sore thumb.

In contests, one judges the content as well as the way the content is organized. In this poem you write quatrains which have a consistant ABCB rhyming pattern. Within this framework you have another repetitive element which has no symmetry. I think this may have been a reason your poem did not place higher.

It is certainly an element which bothers me when I look at the overall form of your poem. I think it would take very little editing to rewirte certain phrases so that they remain within your leit-motif.

Keep up the good work.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
248
248
Review of LOVE POEMS  
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a very contemporary sounding poem and coming from your pen, Khalish, I am pleasantly surprized. It is upbeat and the language is completely modern.

Your form is perfect, the rhyming words varied in their sounds and I have not complaints with this at all.

I do not appreciate the line "Impure love is but a vice." There is something in it which grates on my personal sensitiviies. In my mind it doesn't work in either of the two stanzas where it is placed.

In the line "Lover may advance or lag," since for metric reasons you cannot write A LOVER, I would put "lover" in the plural to improve the flow. After all, you are speaking in this poem about love, and it takes two to tango!

A great read, thank you,
alfred
249
249
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
What I like about this poem, Khalish, is the subject matter and the way you have expressed it.

As far as commenting on the rhyming part of the terzanelle form, I think you have taken a great risk using so many ee sounding rhymes. Many writers will use imperfect rhyme to pair -eed words with -eat words. You have correctly paired the -eed and -eat words, but the two are uncomfortably similar for my taste. Then you use immediately use a simple end syllable of -ee which is just too much like the two preceding rhymes for my personal taste. This gives you eight out of the nine central lines in the poem ending in an -ee voyal rhyme. It almost looks as if you forgot the rhyming pattern.

But, it has been highly rated by a great number of people over the years, so who am I to complain?

alfred
250
250
Review of Don's Song  
Rated: E | (4.0)
You have written a lovely poem, although if the first line did not exist this could be just the description of a dream, mentioned in your poem.

Three lines bother me:
*Bullet*His labored breeze no longer gently sways the living grass,
This is the only place in the poem where you personalize the metaphor with death and I'm not sure of the adjective HIS.

*Bullet*"The final time it seems,"
Because you've mentioned the playwright above, I would write the final ACT.

*Bullet*"Remains."
This verb, closing the poem, at first seemed only to refer to three lines earlier, "a pleasant dream, indeed...remains." I interpreted the end of your poem this way because "a pleasant dream, indeed" lacks a verb.

This, of course, is not the correct reading of your lines, which are included here:

""A pleasant dream indeed
The chance at last to sleep, to rest,
And, although no longer seen by quickened few,
Remains." "

The correct connection for "remains" is "The chance at last to sleep, to rest, remains." But it took me a long time to figure this out. This good connection, in my mind, is obscured by the conjuction AND, which I would eliminate, for in my initial reading I caught "the chance to sleep, to rest AND […] remains," which I took for meaning "to remain". But your phrase still didn't have a verb, so the conjugated form "remains", I originally placed back with "a pleasant dream indeed," because this subject is much stronger than "the chance to sleep…"

So much confusion because of one unnecessary word!

After twenty minutes, I figured out the way the lines connect - better late than never - but your line "and, although…" sufficiently interrupts the flow for me to have been confused long enough to have misinterpreted the sense of your intention with these words.

Why does this bother me so? Because you have a very straightforward poem and at the very end there is an uncertain element in the flow which comes at the most crucial moment of the poem: the ending.

Since I'm going on and on, I would add " although no longer seen by A quickened few," although I'm still not sure what this line means. A quickened few - a lucky few? Those present to see this last breath of air and the poetry behind his life?

A very interesting poem. I enjoy your simplicity.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
293 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 12 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile.php/reviews/troubadour/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/10