There is a lot I like about this poem. I think, however that the beginnng episode with the mouse is not essential to a poem which describes an encounter.
I like your unifying idea of a rhyming scheme, but often it does not work. I counted four pairs which do not form full rhyme.
I also like your attempt to organize your poem into four line stanzas, but you rarely finish a stanza so that it stands on its own, using too frequently wrap-around lines between lines inside of a single stanza and, even worse in my book, between two different stanzas, for my personal taste. They work well in free verse. As part of the structure of your poem, aabb rhyming scheme and consistant wrap-arounds between the stanza, I feel you have tried to do too much.
In general, dividing up a long poem into multiple stanzas helps the reader find his way through the poem. It is also a way that a poet may seperate his ideas, or, as is frequently the case with free verse nowadays, play around with space which in theory is supposed to accentuate certain words
or ideas
so that the reader grasps
a
better hold
of them.
I agree with the theory behind the new poets' experimentation with space within a poem, I do not agree that it has a consistant place in a formated poem which has a rhyming scheme.
So, the upshot would be, yes for a wrap-around line every now and then, they are useful and show that a poet is "with it." But in my opinion you have overdone it here.
My suggestion for the visual aspect of this poem would be to write three large stanzas, as follows:
We meet. Somehow I see your stoic face.
At the same time, you see mine, through the race
Of grumbling lightning storms. Bodies twist violently,
Spin like compasses in a magnetic frenzy,
Needles unsure of which direction to go.
You scan for a smile, a point you know
Will secure you in space for awhile. And you stop
At a familiar door. I answer your knock,
Having been cooped up too long in my cluttered house.
You notice I'm quiet, obsessed with the mouse
That scratches a riot in my walls. I keep
Trying to trap him. He nibbles my ear as I sleep,
Slowly gnaws the small bones that rush the world in.
We cross somewhere between heartache and sin
To settle for this madness. We sit down to rest,
As travellers do now and then. It is best
Not to let our eyes lock too often.
Such gestures raise questions, what it would mean
To speak of peculiarities or subtle honesties. We agree,
However, that love is a dream. As we leave,
We'll reminisce of past nights like this, and might even touch.
But we will say nothing that reveals too much
Of the secret of why we come here. It's a place
We roam for reasons unknown. The embrace
Of the music and sweet honey drink blacks out the fear.
The chilled air and calculated charms will endear
Me to your unaccustomed arms. I will sink
Into them, as rage gives to screams. The thick
Fog lifts at the instant of an accidental kiss.
From the start all signs were leading to this
Clearing. Tonight we revel and smoke and sing
Into the startled morning. The day will forget the whole thing.
This gives a unity to the three blocks of your poem, maintains your rhyming scheme which is hidden, but nonetheless evident upon reading (and which better hides the occasional lopsided rhyme) and thus your poem becomes an exercise in overlapping lines, but not stanzas.
Keep up the good work. Although I object to the present form of your poem, its contents pleases me (except for the mouse part) and in my opinion would benefit from a different presentation.
alfred
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed"  .
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