CONGRATULATIONS!!! Your request for an item review in " K'neto's Hotline" has been granted by the super-reviewer, K'neto! You could expect a very honest and in-depth feedback for your piece!
First and foremost, your intro rating should be 13+.
"side" should start with a small letter because it is still included in the statement. >
“Terrible night, huh...
Use indentions and/or spaces to distinguish individual paragraphs.
How about separating the clauses into separate sentences instead of using a semicolon? >
“Dammit, one of the window sensors has...
- I seldom "see" dialogues with semicolons.
Comma after "purpose." >
“You didn’t forget anything, you triggered...
For thoughts, you may use the italics form, sans the quotation marks. >
“What a joke, I can’t believe...
"over" is unnecessary. >
The overweight guard walked clumsily over...
Small lettered "the" >
“Sure, sure, fine, just don’t hurt me,” The...
Comma after "you." >
“I don’t need any luck from you.”
Comma after "move" and "man." >
“Bad move old man.”
"turned" again?
He turned to walk away and the guard’s...
He turned with reflexes faster...
Comma after "Parker." >
Parker are you there? What was that noise?
Who really set the sensors? >
You yell at me for triggering a sensor and you set the entire...
I thought it was Zie... >
“You didn’t forget anything, you triggered that on purpose Zei!”
Try to sick with one POV. >
Had he gone mad?
You can split it into two... and add a comma after "behind." >
The duo immediately scrambled down the path, behind Lurin could hear yells and footsteps.
Another POV dilemma. >
Or so he thought.
- You started with a third person point-of-view.
Sentence too long... try splitting. >
The corner was so close, they only needed...
It seems that started the story, as if the lead characters are the guards... but judging from the item description, and the ending of the first chapter, it's the thieves, unless you are planning to take on a multiple-viewpoint novel... I suggest you stick to a single POV per chapter... leave the switching to the next ones.
It has a lot of action... and the pacing is fast just like an opening scene in an action movie.
As I've said, there is still confusion with the characters... but well, this is just chapter one, so I'm expecting to learn more in the succeeding parts. However, because you mentioned the full name of the guard in the first lines, I expect that they are the "stars" in this particular chapter... and they're not because of the over-all feel of the said chapter and the item description itself.
The dialogue was a bit confusing... And I almost felt that there was a narrator involved because of the "side-comments" in the story such as, "This stone, if you could call it that,..." Try to work on it.
The setting was overlooked... in the sense that little attention has been given to it.
Furthermore, the plot should be caefully planned to avoid confusion within the events.
This seems to be a nice story (and nice concept) waiting to unfold... with a few brushes, it would turn out squeaky clean and shiny.
Keep on writing, and I'll keep on reviewing!
This has been K'neto, now spiralling down on your port.
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