Zhen's (zhen) Reviews

Zhen

Review Requests: OFF

571 Public Reviews Given

586 Total Reviews Given

Review Style

I try to give comprehensive reviews.

I'm good at...

I like reviewing poetry and short stories.

Favorite Item Types

I really love structured poems with good rhythm and rhyme.

Least Favorite Item Types

I don't enjoy reading long stories riddled with grammar or spelling mistakes because these distract me.

I will not review...

If I don't enjoy reading it on some level, then I won't review it. So if you got a review from me, even one with a low rating, I enjoyed the read.

201

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4561116

Review of Down the Memory Lane

Review by Zhen

Rated: E

| (4.0)

That's a difficult prompt, well done writing a poem on those words!

I think the key to understanding old age is to know the elderly still think as they did when they were 20. The emotions and insights of the 20 year olds are all still there, inside weathered bodies.

It's not clear why your elderly person is isolated, having so much family (grandchildren!) to remember.

Write on!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

202

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14 days may be credited.

#4560961

Review of Nosedive No More

Review by Zhen

Rated: E

| (4.0)

I like your story. I wasn't going to read something this long but your writing pulled me in.

""Ow, my ear! I think there's a hole in it," complained hopper." Capitalize Hopper. Also two lines later in "I'm sorry hopper". You could do a ctrl-F search for "hopper" if you are writing in Word or something similar.

I think Nosedive apologizes too often. Twice is enough and then the story needs to move on.

"Let's take a brake and try again tomorrow," -- break, is the right spelling.

Your story develops and ends well. You should send it to a publisher as you are wanting to do.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

203

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14 days may be credited.

#4065295

Review of Can We Autocorrect Humanity?

Review by Zhen

Rated: E

| (3.0)

I'll ignore the repeated in your text which I trust some technology inserted for you without your informed permission. Sure, letting the people vent anger online where agencies, police and anyone can read it is one of the best ideas of the people, right? After all, that's the purpose of freedom of expression. Never try to solve the problems that are making anyone feel angry, never think about it. The people problem you describe was exactly the same throughout the 1970s and 1980s. Those people that ruin relations have a recipe for it. Always be violent, rude, run away from and try to kill hints of intelligence, never have an idea, run away from conversation, reject winning in order to lose and blame the blasphemy of winning on random organs since all organs do the same thing, invite people to you in order to lock people outside, invite people going up to go down and feign dyslexia, and force all competent people to wait until all the incompetent people try first. The solution is technology. The problem is what we call culture and ethnicity.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

204

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14 days may be credited.

#4065290

Review of LOVE IS SACRED

Review by Zhen

Rated: E

| (3.0)

Grammar first: a dad is anyone, with lowercase D, however the name Dad refers to one specific one, with uppercase D. Also, the comma goes inside the quotes, 'Like that,' he said. The experience of love you expose is what people do and is not love. Animals love with loyalty without the idea of the possibility of betrayal. The relation is, thus builds up, else ain't. We fell from grace thousands of years ago as everyone knows, and that happens when individuals choose to be antithetical to life on Earth, such as by betraying.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

205

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14 days may be credited.

#4065289

Review of The Infinite Blue

Review by Zhen

Rated: E

| (2.0)

Double space paragraphs to make reading easier for readers. You write as though course in Physics and mathematics might interest you since you use words familiar to us in the discipline, however, you are changing the definitions randomly and writing of nonsense, which is okay when in a Dr Seuss type of story. The sun sets in the west, rises in the east. No mystery.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

206

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14 days may be credited.

#4064237

Review of The River

Review by Zhen

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Your poem has no distractions and shows the confusion many people feel, showing it clearly enough so a reader far away from that can empathize. Binary logic has many errors. The way the people who believe in binary logic are trained is done in a rigorous variation of army boot camp. The physical exercises are merely pushing pencil on paper, or typing on a computer. It looks nonviolent. However, the definition of if is so extremely wrong, many students feel perplexed and wonder about it every year. The way the boot camp training happens is the graders and professors gang up in Appeal to Force, Bandwagon, and Appeal to Authority, which are three fallacies we students are told to reject in anyone else and if we reject our logic professors fallacies during boot camp then we get low grades and accused of not understanding and the corrupt senate believes the corrupt professors and the corrupt board of governors believes the
corrupt senate. So in the boot camp phase of the making of a high speed, accurate logician whose only competitor is a computer, the logician is systematically abused at high speed, with computer accuracy, into believing the binary logic religion and believing in the prejudice that allows logicians to make fallacies yet denies everyone else the same liberty to err. I am as strong as Alan Turing although female, this is how I was trained. In left v right, per your poem, binary works as Aristotle, not Boole, intended. In something versus unknown emptiness, the zero type error lets system abuse and system errors happen. Thus I tell people to say something instead of nothing. The other part of the war against me, misled by Keith Johnson, called left to confuse people who care, is really a sea of chaos, confusion and misdirections aimed to reduce the population rather than aimed to reduce the eco footprint, since that side's every utterance is all wrong all the way through, ostensibly to give me something to correct for money, however really identified by governments as information terrorism, and the sick sex obsession they force dominate into every topic is part of how they tried to dominate me, a female mathematical logician. The right cares for the living beings including good people and the left is lying, so the real is not as balanced as your poem indicates.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

207

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14 days may be credited.

#4062991

Review of SONG OF AFGANISTAN

Review by Zhen

Rated: E

| (4.5)

What happened? Talk to people of what was done. The experience your poem describes was forced on me, too, although I am generous, patriotic, law abiding, the strongest mathematical logician, and female. I will ask you what the skeptics ask me when I was forced to participate in a six year torture campaign called a public trial, without charges, without legal guides. Those attackers, self-called skeptics, asked me what I did wrong to invite abuse from self-willed stupid, prejudiced wannabe slave owners and attempted murderers. I did, and do, everything right. I am glad you are showing your experience and perspective on a predominantly American, increasingly international, site. The self-called skeptics find failed murder attempts to call that dirt against the victim, then ask the victim to explain the dirt to people and police feigning inability to understand what attempted murder is. Maybe what I was required to suffer can make the way forward for Afghans easier to bear. Write on.

208

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#4057935

Review of Something Worth Fighting For

Review by Zhen

Rated: ASR

| (4.0)

Thanks for a story reminiscent of Spartan and Athenian culture, giving people some insight into what may have been happening when people started talking about slavery, democracy and voting. The best warrior reduces all the enemies to rubbish without losing himself or herself, without missing an enemy, and without losing resources in squabbles. Your story describes the way conflicts used to be, back when conflicts were expressed among those that always only talk with fists, unless they are cowards running away from the conversations their own behaviour demans they have. Leonardo da Vinci saw the difference in us, studied it attentively and painted it clearly, showing some individuals communicate only in their muscles flexing and expressing such extremely limited awareness, it is their attention deficit that would lobotomize every one attempting communication with them; whereas some da Vinci paints as having an communicating subtle, gentle, informed and enlightened minds, aware of communication with nature, aware of what may and what cannot. Your Miles Kassius character happens from the culture of fists yet to have died by killing half his foe, he was smart enough to start adapting into the culture of languaged enlightenment without vapidity. The Chinese also have a famous warrior who used to fight, winning some, and then stopped putting resources into fighting in ways which win every battle at full victory without loss. Maybe, if you write a second chapter, Miles' kids will learn the ways of absolute victory.

209

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#4055491

Review of Under Her Wing

Review by Zhen

Rated: E

| (4.0)

My parents excommunicated me by 1974 when I asked what a negative spoon is, to add to a spoon to make zero spoons, when I was teaching myself subtraction from an arithmetic book I was reading. Chinese children and parents in Beijing talk with me easily, we have interesting conversations. So my parents could have talked with me yet did not. I was isolated from goodness and beat down upon by badness by 1977. I started writing governments regarding policy decisions in 1979. I found what algorithms work for mathematical unification in the early 1990s deliberately, since I was reading for it. I do not like saving people. Autonomous entities in communities work best. I was born in 1970. Real life is not as you write, with an unknown person surrounded by a country Canada all feigning innocence, with results in mathematics, physics, chemistry, economics happening by accident or not having been what is supposed to have happened. Real life is we, I belong to the animal kingdom per Canadian excommunication by criminals calling themselves lawyers, we died alive for sensibility forcibly entering people so we might live our real lives together while we are alive. Your writing got your message through however your valid, real informed perception of the world is a report of a mirage made by liars trying to confuse them, and some of that mirage you write was originally painted into the world by the FSB in Russia in 2013, which maybe you did not yet know and want to know.

210

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#4054736

Review of More So Than Ever.

Review by Zhen

Rated: E

| (3.0)

You write a clear snapshot of life in modern poetic format without spelling or grammar errors to distract. I do not know whose experience you write from or about. You portray a sad life, so sad, it probably was not made by the living being inside, and probably was externally imposed by hatred from outside the living being. I teach English students in Beijing to switch inside away from that negative induction outside, to focus on positives they create. Some can do and grab the idea and run with it, implementing many positive ideas. However, some keep trying, and day after day have only sad and only harmful ideas designed only for making all experiences be hell on Earth, stealing life. Each is the way each is. I do not know you, however, I know the writing prompt 'Say it in a positive way with nourishing ideas and events' will show us who you are.

211

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#4053923

Review of Darkness

Review by Zhen

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Red black, blue black and yellow white form a clock oscillating together, harmonic. The red black produces the outer shell, the blue black produces the spinal vertebraic sheaths through the shell interior, the yellow whites lashes out never a willing victim and never free, slicing perpendicular into the blue black spines sliced perpendicularly into the red black shell's heart of darkness. The yellow white is the star we see, this time for responsible liberty.

Good writing on a fashionable topic. Be careful of 'you' versus 'your' in your spelling.

212

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#3820796

Review of Just a Little to the Left

Review by Zhen

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Empathetic narration!

Flowered or underlined subjects have a rating out of five

s.

Overall Impression

5

: I was captivated. I felt welcomed into your story. I believe this could be published.

Outer Wrapping (aka: Cover)

4

: The Item Type, Genre, Content Ratings, Title and Description make sense, but they don’t push the item into my reader-space. You could change Static Item > Other > Contest to a Fiction classification you prefer.

Form (Grammar, Spelling, Typos, Language)

5

: I found nothing distracted me!

Style (Theme, Plot, Layout, Character Development)

4

: You show some original thinking. The most common form of False Dichotomy happens when a life situation is interpreted as planar while real life happens in R^n [Euclidean n-dimensional space]. A different dishonesty happens via false statements or brute force merely cutting off all except for two bad options. Left vs Right is often a False dichotomous presentation of real life -- true also in arithmetic. For example, China is rising, lead by Hong Kong -- some who believe in economic incorrect arithmetic algorithms could fear we must therefore fall due to the false notion that "good for A = bad for B". Economists have some followere who believe that 2=0. Reality includes our global financial recovery together via finite state machines -- which I mention to introduce some hint of into which realities the electrocuted boy in your story could have gone. The story you wrote has the potential to explain mathematically informed real life to the general population via the appeal of a really good story. You have talent.

Content (The quality of information conveyed)

5

: I could recommend this to publishers with confidence. I recommend introducing your work to Joe Ephraim http://newyorkertimes.com/freelancejoe/ who is forming a team of writers for the New Yorker Times. Some of us review or publish fiction, although I work exclusively with factual information.

Star Total: 5 + 4 + 5 + 4 + 5 = 23
Averaged: 23/5 = 4.6
Rated: 4.5

Write on!
貞

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

213

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#3400608

Review of How to Write Poetry

Review by Zhen

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hello chickpea a.k.a. Patricia Syner

You made me smile during a difficult moment.

What I love most about this item is your sense of humour.

All flowered and underlined subjects are given a rating out of five

s.

Overall Impression

5

: I was completely captivated and I felt welcomed into your world.

I would like to read your poem to students at Simon Fraser University who are interested in learning to write poetry. Please let me know if I have your consent to do so.

Outer Wrapping (aka: Cover)

5

: The Static Item Type is appropriate. The Genre is appropriate. The Introduction Content Rating is appropriate. The Body Content Rating is appropriate. The Title sells the piece. The Brief Description sells the piece.

Form (Grammar, Spelling, Typos, Language)

4

: Very little distracted me and I enjoyed your writing. The few typos I found are:

“as your partake in a poetry trip.” – as you partake

“If my secret, it get's out, ” – it gets out

“(the thought, of it, it makes me sick) ” – the thought of it (remove comma)

Style (Theme, Plot, Layout, Character Development)

Good structure keeps the piece clean and easy to read. Sentences flow, paragraphs tell miniature stories (they have a beginning, a middle and an end); and the flow of paragraphs actively moves toward an end.

4

: You show some original style in this poem. It’s easy for me to take part if I want to.

Content (The quality of information disseminated)

Does your work move its type ~ (what it is) ~ to a new level? If not, how close does it get?

4

: I can recommend this work to other with confidence since it is reasonably clear and concise.

Please use {xlink:} to link us to the info page on John P. Sousa that you think is most relevant for your readers to see.

Shakespeare wrote in his sonnets about the economics of being the source of inspiration, and got quite to the point when stating that if the source of inspiration exists outside our ecosystem (like the Orion Nebula) then it's okay to keep it out of our economy, but when the source exists inside our ecosystem then excluding it from our economy is the same as theft, and depending on the strength of exclusion, murder. Reference: sonnet starting with "Whilst I alone did call upon thy aid...

".

Poetry

4

: Your poem flows nicely and I was seldom distracted or left wondering what you meant or what rhythm I was supposed to feel. You have paid good attention to the composition of words.

Star Total: 5 + 5 + 4 + 4 + 4 + 4 = 26
Averaged: 26 / 6 = 4.3
Rated:4.5

Write on!

貞

214

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14 days may be credited.

#3398636

Review of Writer's Block

Review by Zhen

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Hello Outasync

Well done - your pun made me laugh.

What I love most about this item is the way the ending sneaked up on me.

Overall Impression

4.5

: I felt welcomed into your world. I believe this is well worth sharing with other people.

Outer Wrapping (aka: Cover)

5

: The Static Item Type is appropriate. The Genre is appropriate. The Introduction Content Rating is appropriate. The Body Content Rating is appropriate. The Title sells the piece. The Brief Description sells the piece.

Form (Grammar, Spelling, Typos, Language)

5

: I found nothing to distract me! I was never confused nor did I need to reread to catch your meaning. Your writing carried me on a journey you designed from beginning to end.

Style (Theme, Plot, Layout, Character Development)

Good structure keeps the piece clean and easy to read. Sentences flow, stanzas tell miniature stories (they have a beginning, a middle and an end); and the flow of paragraphs actively moves toward an end.

4.5

: Your thoughts are well organized and highly developed.

Content (The quality of information disseminated)

Does your work move its type ~ (what it is) ~ to a new level? If not, how close does it get?

4.5

: I would recommend this to others with confidence. Your writing carried me.

Poetry

4.75

: Your poem is true to life experience. Visually, it is clean, offering no distractions from the experience of your poem; I almost felt like I was there. The punctuation (or lack) provided a clear, intentional rhythm.

Star Total: 4.5 + 5.0 + 5.0 + 4.5 + 4.5 + 4.75 = 28.25
Averaged: 4.71
Rated: 5.0

Write on!

In Friendship,
貞

215

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14 days may be credited.

#3320822

Review of Palindromic exercise

Review by Zhen

Rated: E

| (4.5)

I find this self-explanatory writing prompt clear, concise, and humorous. Thank you for sharing so openly something that almost worked and merits further development. The fact that it is in development makes it far more charming than a well-finished version would be as an introduction to the form, so for anyone's first palindromic exercise, I like this one the best exactly the way it is right now.

Write on,
Zhen

216

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#3316808

Review of Footprints in my heart

Review by Zhen

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi Dollzell,

What a nice surprise your review of my item was to see. Thank you. Yes, Regret is a real letter I wrote to a real friend who died that real way. I had to find a way to say what there was to say. She is a cat.

I think that by the time we start to write poetry, our hearts are filled with the footprints of those we have opened ourselves to, even if only to some degree. Your poem touches an experience so many of us share after one or another in a relationship has given up and taken an easy path out. But perhaps I am reading too much of one culture into your poem and missing another perspective. (There is far more staying strength in some cultures & sub-cultures than in others.) Love touches us all.

Write on!
Zhen

217

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#3204215

Review of A Glimpse of Heaven

Review by Zhen

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi Magoo,

I enjoy this poem. The structure is good and it fits well with your ultimate writing goal. I appreciate the story and subtext as well.

Write on,
Zhen

218

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#3152667

Review of My Writing Process

Review by Zhen

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Hi Luis De La Fuente

!

Thank you for sharing your writing process so openly. You've outlined steps that would let anyone be successful in writing their first book. What would make this aspect more interesting is including links to books you have written this way - demonstrate your success!

The writing reads as a draft rather than as a polished copy of what you want to say. As a draft, it is well written and seems to me to be complete. In a final version, it's fine to mix first, second and third person due to the narrative of sharing how you write and how you see that helping other people. Your draft does help people. How many more people will this part of your work inspire after you edit it a bit more?

All in all, I felt happy to read these thoughts that you share. Thank you.

Write on!
Zhen

219

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#3149659

Review of Faith

Review by Zhen

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Hi,

Your poem speaks well of the gods of today. I like that you mention how our minds do connect with each others and with something out there through cable TV, the internet, emailed news. Across the globe we are pulling each other closer together and I like the way you say this, too. Is your spelling of 'sandwhich' intentional? I hope that your god has less snark with time.

Write on!

Zhen

220

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#2902749

Review of Humanitus

Review by Zhen

Rated: E

| (4.0)

A snapshot of life as we know it
and cannot bear it to be.

Is this poetry?

Slithering prose capture the creature's sacrifice
(or is the sacrifice human?)
no more self left to feed the hungry.
"Die," it says, "Die."

The old question was whether to feed or to give a skill,
but no god considered that some people would stand for other people who answer
This question
with
"Give neither food nor skill! Kill! Kill! Kill!"
God stands not for such people and instead chooses
the question: food or skill?

Die not for feelings but rather for withholds.
Freedom and love are found in our minds.

Let us mend the hearts of the few who choose the question
together
remaking the fabric of life,
that is god.

Let us be human again.

221

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#2865678

Review of Turning Point

Review by Zhen

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hello Free Stick

¡Welcome to Writing . Com!

What I love most about this item is the clarity with which your communication is conveyed.

In sending this review, I am supporting your desire to be a writer. Rather than just saying, “you have a lot of typos, go find them,” I try to list them so it’s easier for you to find and correct them. Several parts of my review are subjective, especially the Language (in Form), Style and Poetry sections. If you have any questions about How, Why, What or Whom I review, please read "Invalid Item"

.

All flowered and underlined subjects are given a rating out of five

s.

Overall Impression

5

: I was completely captivated and I felt welcomed into your world.

Outer Wrapping (aka: Cover)

5

: The Static Item Type is appropriate. The Genre is appropriate. The Introduction Content Rating is appropriate. The Body Content Rating is appropriate. The Title sells the piece. The Brief Description sells the piece.

Form (Grammar, Spelling, Typos, Language)

Mastery of language is choosing exactly the word you want to make the phrase you want so the whole thing works as you intend. Too often, we choose words that we think will do the trick, and in fact they don’t do very well. What some authors find the least helpful is a focus on grammar and spelling; they may feel it’s not very helpful in terms of overall writing improvement. However, typos take a reader’s attention away from the writing’s purpose. Too much repetition counts as a typo. Sometimes rules can be broken, but only if it’s right for the story or context in which the broken rule occurs.

4.5

: I found nothing to distract me! However, I feel the statement, “Like a knight, on he mounted; Down he counts: Coming o’ splendid morrow!” is punctuation-heavy. How do you feel about it?

Style (Theme, Plot, Layout, Character Development)

Good structure keeps the piece clean and easy to read. Sentences flow, paragraphs tell miniature stories (they have a beginning, a middle and an end); and the flow of paragraphs actively moves toward an end.

5

: I found your work original and I wanted to keep reading. Surprisingly for such a short poem, characters grow as the writing unfolds smoothly and leave me with no questions. If I’m meant to interact, I can do so with confidence.

Content (The quality of information disseminated)

Does your work move its type ~ poetry that captures the present moment ~ to a new level? If not, how close does it get?

5

: I would recommend this to others with confidence. Whether fiction or non-fiction, I was left with no questions and feeling that I gained in understanding without much effort on my part. Your writing carried me.

Poetry

Writing poetry can be very cathartic. However, it’s important to remember that the reader wants to share an emotional experience with you. It’s important to let the reader in, and to let the reader remember their own emotions in response to their own similar experiences.

4.5

: Your poem is true to life experience and is deeply moving. Visually, it is clean, offering few distractions (apart from aforementioned punctuation) from the experience of your poem; I felt like I was there. Your choice of words was perfect for carrying me through this experience.

Please share with me what makes a poem perfect for you at "Invalid Item"

Star Total: 5 + 5 + 4.5 + 5 + 5 + 4.5 = 29
Averaged: 29 / 6 = 4.83
Rated: 4.5

Write on!

Peace and power to you, always,
貞 Credits Writing.Com

Writing.Com authors receiving my reviews may want to read, "Invalid Item"

222

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#2865655

Review of The Lie

Review by Zhen

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hello bambam1252

Good outline!

What I love most about this item is that a relationship is sparked and developed to its conclusion.

In sending this review, I am supporting your desire to be a writer. Rather than just saying, “you have a lot of typos, go find them”, I try to list them so it’s easier for you to find and correct them. Several parts of my review are subjective, especially the Language (in Form), Style and Poetry sections. If you have any questions about How, Why, What or Whom I review, please read "Invalid Item"

.

All flowered and underlined subjects are given a rating out of five

s.

Overall Impression

3.5

: The Lie reads like an outline of a story which is fine, and in response I noticed that I didn’t quite make it into the story. But I enjoyed the outline as such, and I didn’t predict the ending. Do you have an intention to develop this writing further?

Outer Wrapping (aka: Cover)

4

: The Static Item Type is appropriate. The Genre is appropriate. The Introduction Content Rating is appropriate. The Body Content Rating can be ASR since there is a very mild reference to sex in the story. The Title sells the piece. The Brief Description doesn’t pull me in to the item. Whether in a bookstore or on the Internet, your wrapping needs to sell your work.

Please see "Content Rating System (CRS)"

for more information about Content Ratings.

Form (Grammar, Spelling, Typos, Language)

Mastery of language is choosing exactly the word you want to make the phrase you want so the whole piece works as you intend. Too often, we choose words that we think will do the trick, and in fact they don’t do very well. What some authors find the least helpful is a focus on grammar and spelling; they may feel it’s not very helpful in terms of overall writing improvement. However, typos take a reader’s attention away from the writing’s purpose. Too much repetition counts as a typo. Sometimes rules can be broken, but only if it’s right for the story or context in which the broken rule occurs.

5

: I found nothing to distract me!

Style (Theme, Plot, Layout, Character Development)

Good structure keeps the piece clean and easy to read. Sentences flow, paragraphs tell miniature stories (they have a beginning, a middle and an end); and the flow of paragraphs actively moves toward an end.

4.5

: I wanted to keep reading as your thoughts are well organized. Characters grow as the writing unfolds smoothly and leave me with no questions.

Star Total: 3.5 + 4.0 + 5.0 + 4.5 = 17.0
Averaged: 17 / 4 = 4.25
Rated: 4.0

Write on!

Peace and power to you, always,
貞 Credits Writing.Com

Writing.Com authors receiving my reviews may want to read, "Invalid Item"

223

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#2828770

Review of The Riders - Chapter 1

Review by Zhen

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Hello billyo

What a creative war!

What I love most about this item is your highly developed imagery.

In sending this review, I am supporting your desire to be a writer. Several parts of my review are subjective, especially the Language (in Form), Style and Poetry sections. If you have any questions about How, Why, What or Whom I review, please read "Invalid Item"

.

All flowered and underlined subjects are given a rating out of five

s. Additional comments are below.

Overall Impression

3

: I enjoyed many aspects of your writing and I also sometimes felt distracted or pushed away by your writing.

Outer Wrapping (aka: Cover)

4

: The Static Item Type is appropriate. The Genre is appropriate. The Introduction Content Rating is appropriate. Is the Body Content Rating appropriate given that the body of your writing has references to violence? The Title sells the piece. Does the Brief Description sells the piece? Whether in a bookstore or on the Internet, your wrapping needs to sell your work.

Please see "Content Rating System (CRS)"

for more information about Content Ratings.

Form (Grammar, Spelling, Typos, Language)

Mastery of language is choosing exactly the word you want to make the phrase you want so the whole thing works as you intend. Too often, we choose words that we think will do the trick, and in fact they don’t do very well. What some authors find the least helpful is a focus on grammar and spelling; they may feel it’s not very helpful in terms of overall writing improvement. However, typos take a reader’s attention away from the writing’s purpose. Too much repetition counts as a typo. Sometimes rules can be broken, but only if it’s right for the story or context in which the broken rule occurs.

4

: Your writing carried me on a journey you designed from beginning to end. However, I felt distracted many times on this journey.

Style (Theme, Plot, Layout, Character Development)

Good structure keeps the piece clean and easy to read. Sentences flow, paragraphs tell miniature stories (they have a beginning, a middle and an end); and the flow of paragraphs actively moves toward an end.

3

: You show some original thinking and characters grow as the writing unfolds. To publish, your writing has to touch your reader and unfortunately I was left sometimes touched and sometimes pushed away.

Content (The quality of information disseminated)

Does your work move its type ~ (Is this a fantasy about a war?) ~ to a new level? If not, how close does it get?

3

: I had to reread to understand what your characters are saying. Are your ideas fully developed?

Additional Comments

In Paragraph 1 (P1): Evergreen initially sounds like a nice place to be, but then it starts to sound like a boring place to be, and that can lose a reader.
P2: The visitors are an interesting development but the description about wheels seems oddly out of place.
P3-P9, P11-P22: The action between Mutari and company is abrupt. Can you allow a reader more time to get to know the characters involved in the story? Who do they think they are? Who do they occur as being for other people? What are they up to? What started their disagreement? Can their disagreement end? What is available in this conflict?
P10 (starts with Jerak Riders): This description serves its purpose but it seems to be out of place. Is the last sentence punctuated the way you want it to be?
P23: The flashback to Valyn and Elisa is confusing. From this point on, it is hard for me to be in the war you have created. I lost clarity about who was striving against whom, and to what end.

In the last few paragraphs, the return of Valyn to Elisa is touching. Can you share more of the emotions Valyn feels as he returns to his family? How does his family feel about his return? The relationship between Jaydon and his mother is not clear to me, and I feel a little pushed away by my own sense of confusion.

Star Total: 3 + 4 + 4 + 3 + 3 = 17
Averaged: 17 / 5 = 3.4
Rated: 3.5

If you make the changes I recommend, you can let me know and I’ll alter my rating accordingly. Please include a link to your item in your email and please copy the review to me. "The illustrated guide to linking"

by Writing.Com Support

explains how. My intention is to assist you in having your writing work.

Write on!

Peace and power to you, always,
Zhen

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224

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14 days may be credited.

#2768077

Review of Coming Home Prologue

Review by Zhen

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hello Going Away For Two Months

Your writing is clear, expressive and I see no distracting typos (with reference to grammar, spelling and style). In fact, your writing defies my template.

I'm going to respond to your writing in the same order in which I read it, rather than organizing my comments into positive and negative blocks.

The opening is difficult for me since I'm required to jump straight into a futuristic environment without being allowed some time to adapt to the environment, and I'm required to jump straight into an empathetic understanding of the character Olivia. It would help me if I knew more about who, what, where and when.

The opening dialogue is perplexing for me because two characters are fighting - I am just meeting them for the first time. I don't know who they are, nor do I know what they are fighting about. A calm introduction to the characters lets me understand this situation (and empathize with both perspectives) better.

After completing the introduction, I enjoyed your writing and your storytelling. It is a bit fast paced (admittedly, like mine still is) and that raises a question - are stories more effective when they are told in a sing-song pace, allowing a listener to be lulled by unfolding events? I'm asking, because I'm still contrasting fast-paced stories and slow-paced stories in my own writer's development process.

I think you capture Olivia's emotions well. What about the adoption worker's thoughts and feelings? What does Thomas think and feel? Why is this "unorthodox" adoption being forced upon Olivia? (Is it being forced upon her, or is she having some difficulty keeping a promise?) These are the questions in my mind and I want to share them with you so you know what they are. It is great to let a reader have questions in his or her mind, since those questions are what drives the reader to turn pages and keep reading. I shared the questions with you so that you can consider which questions you want me to have in my mind.

I like reading your story. I like that you push me beyond my review template.

Peace and power to you, always,
Zhen

225

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#2552668

Review of Dead Poets

Review by Zhen

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hello PaulZ ~ Je Suis Le Reve ~

¡Welcome to Writing . Com!

In sending this review, I am supporting your desire to be a writer. Rather than just saying, “you have a lot of typos, go find them”, I try to list them so it’s easier for you to find and correct them. Several parts of my review are subjective, especially the Language (in Form), Style and Poetry sections. If you have any questions about How, Why, What or Whom I review, please read "Invalid Item"

.

All flowered and underlined subjects are given a rating out of five

s.

Overall Impression

4

: You have interesting ideas and articulate them well.

Outer Wrapping (aka: Cover)

5

: The Static Item Type is appropriate. The Genre is appropriate. The Introduction Content Rating is appropriate. The Body Content Rating is appropriate. The Title sells the piece. The Brief Description sells the piece.

Form (Grammar, Spelling, Typos, Language)

N/A: You’ve supplied a quote of someone else’s writing. There isn’t enough of your writing for me to comment.

Mastery of language is choosing exactly the word you want to make the phrase you want so the whole thing works as you intend. Too often, we choose words that we think will do the trick, and in fact they don’t do very well. What some authors find the least helpful is a focus on grammar and spelling; they may feel it’s not very helpful in terms of overall writing improvement. However, typos take a reader’s attention away from the writing’s purpose. Too much repetition counts as a typo. Sometimes rules can be broken, but only if it’s right for the story or context in which the broken rule occurs.

4.5

: Very little distracted me and I enjoyed your writing. If advanced, foreign or profane language was used, I found it furthered your writing and I enjoyed your creativity. I was never confused nor did I need to reread to catch your meaning.
The few typos I found are:

“ for "sans" their ” – type for {i}sans{/i} their so it looks like for sans their

“ -reduced to a grope-” – Perhaps mote instead of grope? Oh, this is difficult since it needs to rhyme with hope. Hm.

Style (Theme, Plot, Layout, Character Development)

Good structure keeps the piece clean and easy to read. Sentences flow, paragraphs tell miniature stories (they have a beginning, a middle and an end); and the flow of paragraphs actively moves toward an end.

4.5

: You show some original thinking. It is so important to create (add to?) the body of work that inspires people who are stuck to try again.

Content (The quality of information disseminated)

Does your work move its type ~ an inspirational poem ~ to a new level? If not, how close does it get?

4

: I can recommend this work to other with confidence since it is reasonably clear and concise. Your writing answered most of my questions and touched on most of the relevant issues.

Poetry

Writing poetry can be very cathartic. However, it’s important to remember that the reader wants to share an emotional experience with you. It’s important to let the reader in, and to let the reader remember their own emotions in response to their own similar experiences.

4

: Your poem flows nicely and develops a life experience well. I was seldom distracted or left wondering what you meant or what rhythm I was supposed to feel. You’ve paid good attention to the composition of words.

Just in case you might be interested, you can find other rhyming schemes in "Poetry Forms"

by Bianca

.

Please share with me what makes a poem perfect for you at "Invalid Item"

Star Total: 4 + 5 + 4.5 + 4.5 + 4 + 4 = 26
Averaged: 26/6 = 4.33
Rated: 4.0

If you make the changes I recommend, you can let me know and I’ll alter my rating accordingly. Please include a link to your item in your email and please copy the review to me. "The illustrated guide to linking"

by Writing.Com Support

explains how. My goal is to assist you in improving your writing.

Write on!

Peace and power to you, always,
貞幬 Credits Writing.Com

Writing.Com authors receiving my reviews may want to read, "Invalid Item"