Hello Celticeagle/km2007 ,
¡ W e l c o m e t o W r i t i n g . C o m !
What I love most about this item is how very touching the ending is. You write this moving story well.
In sending this review, I am supporting your desire to be a writer. Rather than just saying, “you have a lot of typos, go find them”, I try to list them so it’s easier for you to find and correct them. Several parts of my review are subjective, especially the Language (in Form), Style and Poetry sections. If you have any questions about How, Why, What or Whom I review, please read "Invalid Item" .
All flowered and underlined subjects are given a rating out of five s.
Overall Impression
3.5 : You have a good story and it unfolds well. I believe a revision (to correct typos and stuff) could be published as part of a collection.
Outer Wrapping (aka: Cover)
5 : The Static Item Type is appropriate. The Genre is appropriate. The Introduction Content Rating is appropriate. The Body Content Rating is appropriate. The Title sells the piece. The Brief Description sells the piece.
Form (Grammar, Spelling, Typos, Language)
Mastery of language is choosing exactly the word you want to make the phrase you want so the whole thing works as you intend. Too often, we choose words that we think will do the trick, and in fact they don’t do very well. What some authors find the least helpful is a focus on grammar and spelling; they may feel it’s not very helpful in terms of overall writing improvement. However, typos take a reader’s attention away from the writing’s purpose. Too much repetition counts as a typo. Sometimes rules can be broken, but only if it’s right for the story or context in which the broken rule occurs.
2 : You have an abundance of typos. Please don’t be discouraged by this long list, and please understand that typos reduce a reader’s enjoyment of your work. My purpose in providing this list is to support your in finding and correcting typos:
“each spring, lots of cats and a dog or two” – it looks like there is extra space after the word lots, before the word of…. But extra space is really hard to see and it might just be my eyes!
“Came home long enough” – He came home…
“There was also 10 Dogs” – Another cat on grandma’s farm was named 10 Dogs since the time I found him….
“Now we are getting warmer.” – This sentence isn’t serving its purpose. I know what you want it to do and actually your paragraphs are doing that very well. I’d suggest deleting this sentence to enhance the overall effect.
“I don’t even recall where Brownie came from.” – I don’t even recall where our dog Brownie came from.
“he acted very protective of” – he was very protective of
“When ever grandma and I went to leave” – Whenever Grandma and I started to leave
“arrive at grandma’s side but” – Grandma’s
“dogs could smile he” – dogs could smile, he (comma)
“Grandma wasn’t happen but” – Grandma wasn’t happy but
“full rein of the house” – reign
“usual sleeping spot and grandma” – Grandma
“Next time we came out into the kitchen” – The next time we walked into the kitchen
“of the roost, the grey tabby” – of the roost, and the grey tabby
“had known it would have scared her into” – had known I was climbing in that quarry, she would have been scared into
“helping grandma” – Grandma
“continued to hear the hissing and spitting” – I think there might be a after the word hear.
“had sprinted away from the” – It looks like there is another after the word from.
“and all of us waited” – and we waited
“tell the glum look” – tell by the glum look
“the prognosis. Wasn’t going to be good” – the prognosis wasn’t going to be good
Don’t tell your story as if it’s a flashback. Simply tell the story as if it’s fiction. So all those verbs that are conjugated in one of the Perfect tenses (eg: have walked, had walked, have been walking, had been walking) should all be changed to Past Simple and Past Progressive tenses (eg: walked, was walking).
Please don’t feel discouraged by this list since your story achieves the primary goal of touching the reader and it unfolds well. Continue to read a lot since that really helps most people grasp the fine points of grammar. Your vocabulary is great. As your spelling improves through reading you can use the spell checker less. Spell checkers are sometimes misleading, but they’re a good reference.
Style (Theme, Plot, Layout, Character Development)
Good structure keeps the piece clean and easy to read. Sentences flow, paragraphs tell miniature stories (they have a beginning, a middle and an end); and the flow of paragraphs actively moves toward an end.
3.5 : You show classic, archetypical thinking. Your writing is clear but may be the same kind of thing done elsewhere; nevertheless yours is active with good quality storytelling. It’s easy for me to visualize most of the story.
“A leg had been mangled” – which leg? Be specific to help me “see” the cat.
– In the opening you introduce two cat characters who never reappear in the story. Don’t do that to me! I want to know what those cats did and how they interacted with the main characters! If you don’t want to make a really big revision for yourself, then I suggest listening to the Irish ballad that has the refrain “… the loveliest of all was the unicorn”. In this ballad, many characters are briefly introduced and not used later. I can’t think of another example where that’s been done; it seems that most writers introduce only necessary characters.
– Don’t ignore the other senses. As a reader, I want to be able to taste the fruit, smell the farm, hear the animals, touch and feel the furniture in the house, the thistles in the yard… And when an animal is content or trapped, I want to see the color of her eyes, the pace of breathing, I want to hear his voice, I want to see the fur on Brownie’s neck before he attacks, I want to smell the rat’s fear of dying, I want to feel Brownie trembling in my lap…. This is the kind of writing that your readers will refuse to walk away from and will ask you for more.
Content (The quality of information disseminated)
Does your work move its type ~ a story about friendship ~ to a new level? If not, how close does it get?
3.5 : I can recommend this work to Writing.com readers with confidence since it is reasonably clear. Your writing answered most of my questions and touched on most of the relevant issues. Although the story doesn’t move its type to a new level, it does achieve classic expectations.
Star Total: 3.5 + 5 + 2 + 3.5 + 3.5 = 17.5
Averaged: 3.5
Rated: 3.5
If you make the changes I recommend, you can let me know and I’ll alter my rating accordingly. Please include a link to your item in your email and please copy the review to me. "The illustrated guide to linking" by Writing.Com Support explains how. My goal is to assist you in improving your writing.
Write on!
Peace and power to you, always,
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