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My journal about my conversion to Judaism. |
| I started writing my conversion story in June 2023, even though it started before then. It will not be in chronological order as I remember things from the past that brought me to this point in my life. My decision to convert was not an easy one. I grew up pentecostal. I watched my grandma speak in tongues. My aunt played keyboard in the church band. I used to attend church (a member of a Baptist church for many years) 3 to 4 times a week. I did not start my journey of healing after my divorce and expect to end up here. However, my desire and work to grow closer to G-d has left me no doubt or question about where I am now. I have no hesitation in my conversion to Judaism. This is my story of leaving Christianity and becoming a part of a people that I will be able to, one day, proudly say that I am also. A Jew. |
| I've learned a bit this week. My Hebrew has improved and some words and phrases have stuck. Others, not so much. Yet! I still enjoy every lesson, even when I do a terrible job speaking or reading. Hebrew is a beautiful language and I find more and more words and phrases that I love. I like the way some of them roll off the tongue. They are fun to say and sometimes very poetic. I still have my same favorite word though. I'm not sure that will ever change. I talked a lot about kosher laws over the weekend at my friend H's house, so I decided to read up again on kosher laws and deepen my understanding beyond the separation of meat and dairy. I learned that even though fish is considered parve (neither meat nor dairy), that it cannot be eaten at the same time as meat. It can be served in the same meal as a separate course and eaten with a different plate and fork, but a drink should wash the mouth before eating meat. It should never be on the same plate or eaten with the same utensils. I asked my rabbi why, and he said, "It can cause a spiritual disease called Tza'ras." In case you're wondering what that disease is, it is leprosy.  So with this knowledge, I had to break some bad news to my daughter. I haven't told all of my children yet, but they will be a bit upset. I make a wonderful dish called pepper steak. It contains steak, peppers of three different colors, and gravy (home made) served over a bed of white rice. It is delicious. Unfortunately, I use Worcestershire sauce. Even though Worcestershire sauce is kosher, it is kosher fish. That means, I cannot put it on a meat dish. Will I get creative and find a way to make it delicious without it? Absolutely. Will it be the same. Never again. Along with pizza, tacos, chicken salad, and many other dishes, it will never be the same. |
| Shabbat is referred to as a queen or a bride as though it were a person. In the book I am reading Shabbat by Abraham Joshua Heshel introduces the book by saying, "Creating Shabbat begins with a sense of longing. It is not we who long for a day of rest, but the Sabbath spirit that is lonely and longs for us." I know that there is a feeling during Shabbat that leaves a gaping hole when Shabbat ends. It leaves a feeling of loss and longing. It is as if someone you love left and you have to wait for their return. The work week then begins and every moment of the day for six days is full of rushing, working, praying, eating, and a few hours of sleep. For one brief weekend in the coming dismal gray that will permeate the core of every living thing, I had a full Shabbat from beginning to end in one place. I left on Friday with plenty of time to make it, but life always happens. Somehow, the clips that hold my tail light in place decided to break and my tail light was flapping as I drove down the road. I looked all over my car to find something to keep the tail light in place, but found nothing. I was almost to H's house and found an Ace Hardware. I didn't have time to stop (or find a garage open on a holiday weekend) to have a new tail light installed. I bought some duck tape and taped the tail light into place. I made it to H's house with twenty minutes to spare. I lit my candles first since she wasn't ready. About ten minutes later, she lit hers. The ushering in of the Shabbat is always magical. I had to break Shabbat while I was there. There was not much opportunity for me to do that (which was amazing) but I put some moisturizer on in the morning before going to shul. That was enough to break Shabbat and still give me the entire weekend experience. I stayed through the end of Shabbat and watched as she and her husband did Havdalah together like it was second nature. I was so blessed to be a witness to that. The drive home is a bit of a blur. It started snowing right before I stopped for gas at my normal stop. The roads were like ice the last bit of the way home and I slid going up hills a few times. I only saw one small accident (small dent in the car on the side of the road) and was happy to pull into my parking space. _______________________________ As I sit watching the snow fall and thinking about all of the things I need to do today and this week, I also think about the hostages that were freed and those still in captivity. As I watch the forest get slowly darker and the ground get whiter, I think what it must have been like for 49 days to be held by rifle point in a tunnel underground having seen my parents and siblings murdered in front of me. As I drink cold water from a water bottle, I think about those still in captivity in a deep dark tunnel not knowing if today will be the day they go home or the day they die. I am thankful for all of the hostages released so far and struggle to understand the monsters that were motivated to do such atrocities to other human beings. What about that 10 month old baby that the world seems to have forgotten? The hostage that I have been praying extra hard for and doing mitzvas for is still in captivity. My heart aches for her. Is she even alive? I pray as though she is alive and waiting to be freed. G-d free her. Shabbat was a small break for the worries of life but still full of prayer for the hostages. G-d free all your people has you have promised. |
| My dad started in on me once every hour that I was with him. He has a cross (many but one in particular) that he said has sand and gravel from Israel. My response was, "Don't you think it's creepy and a bit sadistic to have a cross with a guy hanging on it displayed on your wall?" That did not go over well and I was subjected to a long lecture about Jesus dying on the cross for our sins. There are times I can hold my tongue, but other times I cannot. I tried to get his attention on other things, repeatedly. I knew we were going to different Thanksgiving dinners, so I only had to survive the night and the next the morning. The family's house I went to after leaving my dad's was great, like I knew it would be. There are people that G-d puts in your life that will always love you and support you and hope for your life to good, happy, and blessed, regardless of your differences. I'm thankful for them. I read in books about how much of a difficult time people have with going to family gatherings when they convert because of all the food that they are tempted with. As I stood at the beginning of the tables displayed with various kinds of food, I had to make decisions. Did I want to keep kosher or enjoy a night of indulgence? Today is Thanksgiving in the US. That means that turkey, ham, stuffing, sausage, ham covered pickles, potatoes, green bean casserole, corn, and lots and lots of varieties of pies covered the table. With the exception of the few raw vegetables and the cucumber salad that I brought, everything contained dairy or meat, and some of that meat was pork. I did not eat any pork. I, for the first time that I can remember, did not eat any meat on Thanksgiving. I ate homemade mashed potatoes, corn, green beans, cheese and crackers, and my salad. Then I enjoyed a small piece of apple pie. I am not sad at all that I did not eat any turkey. This was actually the second time in a week that I turned down eating turkey so that I could eat dairy instead. The first time, I even made the turkey! When I started this journey, I was happy for the chance to choose G-d. I didn't know that I would be faced again and again with the choice to choose him. I want my life to make Him happy and to be a reflection of how much I love him and appreciate everything he has done and will do for me. I want to choose G-d over my own desires every time. Happy Thanksgiving everyone and have a blessed Shabbat. |
| It is sometimes the little things that give us an extra spark to keep going. Little nuggets of Jewish wisdom seems to do the trick for me. That was the case today. I watched a recording of my Rabbi (because I was working during his class). I'm not sure who the guy is that does the Rambam now, but there were a couple of things he said that were really good. One is that the mitzvah of the Torah is the same from generation to generation. If there is anyone that tells you not follow it and to follow something else, they are a false prophet. Then there's little quotes from the Rebbe that are posted on Facebook. Sometimes it takes something little to bring me back into focus. What is important to me? What is my ultimate goal? How much can I control towards reaching that goal right now? How much do I need to just trust Hashem to take care of for me because I don't doubt that he will? I know what I need to do the next couple of days. With GZ's voice ringing in my ears, I will focus on listening to as much Hebrew, as much wisdom, as much Torah as possible so when I am surrounded by family, I can keep all the good things close to my heart and just love them. Any adversity that surfaces from them, I will be able to counter with love. Job applications and apartment hunting can have a rest for a day as I focus on my relationship with Hashem. It's time to go pray. |
| I saw a falling star on my way home from shul Saturday night. I had watched a beautiful sunset that peaked just as I reached the top of a tall bridge giving the perfect scene for a postcard. The peaceful ride allowed for some deep conversations with G-d. That peace did not last past the night. I am so thankful for my time alone and the peace to have a meaningful connection with Hashem. It is what helps me get through days like today when, again, I have to defend my decision to convert. Today is the first day the word "cult" came up in the conversation, and now, I will be defending myself to my family that I am not joining a cult. I'm supposed to go to Thanksgiving dinner with my aunt's family. Now, do I even want to go? How long am I going to have to worry about every family gathering I attend? Is there going to be an end to that feat that the next family function will be a grilling session, or convert me back to Christianity session, or worse. My circle of supporters is very small. Even if not another person on earth is for me, I'm thankful that I know that I am still never going to be alone in this. Thank you Hashem for being my rock. |
| I have been reading and studying up on Hanukkah with my prayer tutor L. I have not had the pleasure of talking to him the past couple of days, but have still been learning on my own. I learned today that the lighting of the Menorah (one additional candle each night until the 8th night all 8 are lit) is from the Hillel Academy of Learning. There is another way to light the Menorah according to the Shammai Academy of Learning. They taught that the Menorah should have all 8 lights lit on the first night and one less lit each night after until the 8th night when only 1 light is lit. The Shammai way of lighting the Menorah will happen when the Mashiach comes. I'm not quite sure why though. I know there are a lot of things that will be different when the Mashiach comes. Many days of mourning and holidays of fasting will become celebrations. |
| Tuesday was a rally at the capital to show support for the hostages taken into Gaza and combat anti-semitism. My friend H went and sent me some pictures. I loved the photos. I was very nervous about my friends being there. Thousands of Jews gathering and being exposed is like driving through state land on opening day of hunting season. You just never know what could happen. I prayed very hard for everyone's safety and was thankful that no major events happened. What I saw live was very moving and uplifting. My dad called tonight. Every time we talk there is an issue with my conversion. I told him today about my moving at the end of the school year. He told me to move in with him and drive to the closest shul. I then had to explain to him why we do not drive on Shabbat. Though he understood the reasons, that caused him to circle back to the Pentecost, the New Covenant, the King James Bible, the Holy Spirit, and, of course, Jesus. Again, because he knew I wasn't going to concede, he finally dropped it and we were able to move on to another subject. I know I'm going to have to defend my decision and lifestyle for a few years or more, especially to my family. I'm still looking forward to the time that it is not a major focus of every conversation. Even though it may never be accepted, I know that some day they will again see past our glaring differences and once again just love me for who I am like I do them. |
| Every Shabbat seems to be full of learning, laughter, tears, prayers, songs, questions, and the longing for it never to end. Unfortunately, like Robert Frost said, "Nothing gold can stay." The drive to shul started with the most beautiful sunrise. I started my drive before sunrise, but watching it rise was so beautiful. It started with a beautiful mix of red and gray. Then turned to a bright gold morning sun. The normal winter gray that followed was not gloomy enough to take away the feeling the sight of the sunrise left on my spirit. It was the easiest 3 hour drive I've had since going to shul. No near death experiences. I arrived at what I like to call my sweet spot. It is not too early but not too late. I know the prayers and service and can follow easily and don't feel like I missed my davening time before the Torah is read. There is something about the very start of the service that makes me feel lost and I miss too much prayer time if I come when the Torah is already being read. There are a few stories (life experiences of others) I heard over the past few weeks that I think will help those struggling to understand why I haven't changed my mind about converting considering the excessive amount of anti-semitism going on around the world right now. The first story is from a young man who spent time in Israel (multiple times). On one occasion, he was on the street. He had just bought a Coca-Cola and was struggling to open the bottle. A man saw him struggling and offered to help. The stranger took the bottle and began to beat the cap against the wall to try to pop it open. As he was doing this, a cab driver saw the man with bottle, stopped, took the bottle and opened it with his bottle opener. The cab driver then handed the bottle back to the stranger who was helping the young man. The stranger then handed the bottle back to the young man. Both the cab driver and the stranger left just as abruptly as they arrived to help leaving the young man standing alone on the sidewalk with his bottle of Coca-Cola. The second story is about a young man who was in the hospital for a few weeks. His mother couldn't be with him every day and strangers heard about him being in the hospital alone. The strangers then visited him and brought him kosher home made food. When they couldn't visit, they sent word to let him know when they would be there next so he wouldn't feel alone. The last story of the day is about a friend who was going through a very difficult experience, but stopped just to ask how service went for me today. He knows how much I love to attend shul and how much I love to learn and pray. To him, I can only say, "Thank you for continuing to be one of my lamp lighters." I watched the sun set on my drive home tonight. It was gold sinking into the earth. I saw the stars peak through the clouds. It was a beautiful drive home. Maimonides wrote, " It is natural for a man's character and actions to be influenced by his friends and associates and for him to follow the local norms of behavior. Therefore, he should associate with the righteous and be constantly in the company of the wise, so as to learn from their deeds." G-d has given me a choice to choose who I want to be in this life. I want to be a good person who loves G-d and has kindness and compassion for all of G-d's creation, including people. I want to have a heart that wakes in the morning and goes to bed at night asking him for, "The words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart" to be acceptable to him. I know who I want to be around me and influence my behavior and deeds. I know who I want to be and who I want to be like. |
| As the feeling of being overwhelmed with information subsides, it is now easy to come up with questions. Like a child, I ask a lot of why questions. One of the many questions: Why do we use wine for kiddush? and if wine is so important, why is it okay to eat a piece of desert and say the mazonot instead of drinking the wine? I had never even heard of the substitution until last Saturday and no one has given me a good explanation yet. The fact that some of the explanations are contradictory is not surprising. Every question I have in Judaism (or about life in general) is answered somewhere by some sage or rabbi long ago. So it depends on the context of the answer as to whether their explanation actually answers the question I'm asking, or if it can be answered in a minute recording (what I usually get) or a link to an article. The depth of Judaism often leaves me with a simplified surface level answer and waiting to hear a longer more in depth and detailed explanation. I will wait patiently, because I know the answer will come. There are just so many questions and only so much time to answer them. There is nothing done just because. Everything has a purpose that leads back to honoring Hashem. When I get that answer, then I'll be satisfied. On a personal note, my daughter is home for the first Friday night in months. I started the cholent, made a cucumber salad, made desert, set the table, and will pick up some bread (I was too sick to make challah this week) on my way home. Shabbat starts at 5:00 here. It will a rush to get home in time, but I am determined to be home. Have a great and blessed weekend. |
| Tomorrow, when I return to work, there will be two battery operated candles sitting on a desk. I had to stay late on Friday and candle lighting was literally 9 minutes after I finished working. I went to work prepared to usher in the Shabbat in my classroom. I rushed to the teacher's lounge and put my dinner in the microwave. I went to my classroom and set up a table for my dinner with a small glass of tea and a water bottle. The microwave went off right before I lit the candles (well, turned them on). I said the brucha and an extra prayer for the soldiers and the hostages. I got my food from the microwave, sat in my room, ate and sang "Shalom Aleichem" which welcomes the angles. I had no wine for kiddush. I had no challah. I did not have my siddur to read any blessings or anything else. I did have my Tehillim book (one of my copies) and read some of that. It was a completely unorthodox but still a little bit of something to hold onto for the week and a wonderful time spent with G-d. I made it to shul on Saturday, just a little later that I normally do. They took the Torah scroll out of the ark only a few minutes after I arrived. I toughed the scroll as my American rabbi carried it around. My heart was full this weekend. Seeing the men in their tallit and hearing them chant the prayers, the children running around between the men's and women's side, the women praying and rushing to touch the Torah scroll, the women meeting to pray together, it is all such an inspiration to me and keeps me going for another week in a spiritually draining world. There were many who were surprised to see me there, though. I won't sugar coat it. The questions that I received last time I was at the Tehillim prayer service was repeated by almost every woman in attendance. When my response was, "absolutely, no doubt" they would just shake their head or say that didn't know if they would still choose to be. If I look at it through the lens of history as the Jews always being hated for simply the crime of existing, I can understand the questions. I don't want to be hated. Who does? When I made my final decision, I did think about that. I thought about what would happen if I was targeted and how it would affect my children. I'm sorry to my children if that does happen. The reason I can't change my mind is greater than the culmination of reasons and events that led me to this decision: greater than the book I wanted to read written in only Hebrew, greater than the kosher diet that I had looked into years ago, greater than the mikvah, greater than the community that I can't wait to be a part of, greater than the people I want to be associated with, greater than the questions that are answered that I carried around with me for years, more than my conversations with Driss years ago, greater than any other reason that I have mentioned previously or will in the future. The truth is I love G-d. When I made my decision, it was a long conversation between me and G-d. Many years long. I love G-d more than anyone and anything and that love is reciprocated back to me and is greater than anything on this earth. Nothing in this life is as important as the relationship I have with the creator of the universe. G-d knows that I am slow to understand some things, and he made it perfectly clear (quite blunt) that this is the path he wanted me to take. I trust G-d and will follow his will for my life even when I don't understand (quite normal for me) and when it seems that his will doesn't make sense to me at the time. When I pray to G-d and tell him that I have given him my todays and tomorrow, I mean it. I have no doubts and this pull from my soul is not something I can walk away from because G-d is not something that I can walk away from. I understood the danger before I told my friends and family (the family that I have told). I knew I was going to have to give up my job (which I love) and my home and relocate. I knew my friends (those that I have left) would be far away and that it would be hard. I know with the blatant anti-Semitism happening right now around the world that things are going to get harder. I know the small amount of hate that I've received from friends and family will grow stronger. I also know that I love G-d more than anything and though this has not been easy and will not be easy, I will not stop loving and trusting G-d. Like it says in Tihillim, the L-rd is my Rock and my Redeemer. תהלים יט יהיו לרצון אמרי פי והגיון לפניך הי צורי וגאלי May the expressions of my mouth and the thoughts of my heart find favor before you, Hashem, my Rock and my Redeemer. Psalms 19:14 |
| Of all the Jewish food I want to try, I admit I never would have tried Borscht without trust in GZ. Today I made my own version of Borscht. It was pink. Florescent pink. I was worried and thinking of what I might be able to quickly make if I couldn't stomach the taste. I took the Jewish recipes that I saw and combined it when the non-Jewish recipes that I found. I wanted to keep it vegetarian (still not trying to eat meat during the week). I dished a bowl, said my brucha, and took my first bite. It was delicious. The flavor was wonderful. I had eaten beets at my host's house for the high holidays but it was raw, so I had no idea if I would like it or how it the flavor would affect the other vegetables in the soup. Also, it was florescent pink. My recipe as I will make it in the future is below. I did add carrots to my soup this time, but it was too strong of a flavor and overpowered the rest of the soup. No carrots in the future for me. The only spices I added was Mrs. Dash (original), kosher salt, and pepper. Thank you GZ for all of the ways that you continue to help me on this journey. I feel privileged to call you my friend. Jeanette's Borscht Recipe 1 medium onion (diced) 2 celery stalks (washed and diced) 10 small red potatoes (peeled, washed and diced) 3 garlic cloves (minced) or 1 tablespoon minced garlic 1 giant (mine was huge) or 3 normal sized fresh beets (washed, peeled, and shredded) Original Mrs. Dash to taste Pepper to taste Kosher salt (very small sprinkling) Water (cover vegetables with extra water because the potatoes and beets will absorb some) Boil all vegetables in a pot for at least an hour until potatoes and beets are soft and the broth is florescent pink. Tastes great with fresh challah! Enjoy! |
| There is a board in the back of the men's side of the shul that has names of people who had died and a light is lit during the month that they died as a remembrance to them. During the high holidays, all of the lights were lit. My American Rabbi (who has done an amazing job answering my questions lately) said that there are a few times a year that we remember the souls of those that died. Another thing I asked my rabbi about today was the Shabbos Queen. During Friday night's women's dinner, when we were lighting candles, the host said we were welcoming in the Shabbos Queen. My American Rabbi sent me a great article that explained why Shabbos is referred to as a bride and as a queen. I will spare you the explanation, because there is no way that I could do it any justice. However, it is answers like I received today from my rabbi that make me love my decision even more and be so thankful to be able to join in on the celebration of G-d in every tiny little aspect of every part of everything in life. Terribly written, I know. But I also know that people who already have this heritage understand and love that about themselves and their faith. The adorable rabbi (I really need a better description) gave a halacha class. From an outsider perspective, I can see why some people would say that it is petty and legalistic, like not being able to open a bag because it separates the two parts but being able to punch a hole in the middle of it because nothing is separated then, but so much of what is said makes sense. Like the prohibition of creating or destroying words on Shabbat includes writing on cakes, alphabet soup, alphabet cereal, etc. I thought it made perfect sense since words hold so much meaning. One letter holds so much meaning. Eating alphabet cereal is nothing but destroying letters, therefore, don't do it on Shabbos. With all the adversity I've faced and will continue to face in the future, why do I want to still convert? I can tell you exactly why. Because the moment I am conscious in the morning, I say a prayer. Before I go to the bathroom, I am doing a service to Hashem and saying another prayer. Getting ready for work is full of thoughts of how I am either pleasing or not pleasing Hashem. Morning blessings and prayers fill my soul and make me ready to face the world outside of my cozy hideaway. When I get in my car, I am conscious of how far I drive because there is another prayer. The music I play on my trip is praise to Hashem. The words I speak and the thoughts I think and the actions I take are all centered around Hashem. The food I eat is preceded with a blessing and followed up with another blessing and prayer. The work I do is done with thoughts of Hashem. The words I say and said with thoughts of pleasing Hashem. The food I eat, what I cook, how I cook, how I even think about food is focused on Hashem. G-d permeates every aspect of every part of the day, every thought, every action, every purpose. He is the reason for being and doing. There is nothing in life that doesn't have purpose and that purpose is Hashem. Ein od milvado - there is nothing but Hashem. This is why I want to convert more today than yesterday and the day before that. G-d is why. There is nothing greater on this earth than to live for G-d. |
| Being a convert is not easy. I spent a large amount of my life going to church and listening to church theology. Some sayings are hard to get out of my brain and I fight with my thoughts often. It's not that I'm questioning my choice of conversion, but the exact opposite. It's anger at myself for not doing it sooner. It's sorrow for not having the opportunity to raise my kids in this life. It's disgust at the thoughts that come to the surface and the long conversations with G-d that follow those thoughts. I hear the name of Jesus all the time in many conversations, and hear the common phrases that he is watching over me and comforting me. Most of the time, it is easy to ignore those situations and just smile and keep going. Today, however, is not one of those days, and I am struggling. If it wasn't so clear the direction that G-d wants for my life, I would hide away and just do my studying and learning and not have to be exposed to the world that I am trying to leave behind for one much better. Of course, I cannot hide myself away. So, I will be hard on myself for a little bit. Then I will get over myself and just keep going. Tonight I am focusing on the things that are important, reading Tehillim, praying for the soldiers of Israel and the hostages (the one by name repeatedly all day long), attending my Hebrew Conversation class, discussing Isaiah in Hebrew, making challah, studying the morning blessings in Hebrew, and praying. I will be back to myself by morning and be filled with joy as normal and no longer focusing my struggles but filled with joy because, like Nechemiah 8:10 says, "The joy of the L-rd is my strength." |
| Have you ever been set up on a date? I saw two people set up during a luncheon on Saturday. I don't know if it was intentional, but it sure seemed like it. I knew when both people showed up with their mothers. I wasn't sure if I should be there, but I'm sure I was invited for a reason. There was a lot of flirting going on, blushed cheeks, conversation, and a tiny bit of alcohol. The guy was no subtle about his attraction. He asked her mom about marrying her when she got up to go to the bathroom. Her mom shot him down, BUT she offered a friend of hers that was ready to get married. I felt bad for him because they obviously shared an attraction. I did agree that they were in different stages of their lives, but that doesn't have to be a bad thing. That is how we learn from one another. I think he would take good care of her while she finished school. However, I am not her mother and have no say in their relationship. Knowing that is not the first time that she has been set up, I think she is goin to be able to choose the perfect man for her. Perhaps when she lets go of her dream guy (don't we all have one?) and becomes open to the possibility of love with another person. My Hebrew lessons have been going well. I am starting to get past the point of recognizing some words as I read. That, of course, is thanks to GZ. He is an amazing teacher, and I know I couldn't be doing this journey without him. He is very patient. I don't enjoy hearing myself read, but he encourages me and reinforces what he knows that I have learned to push me further. If you would like to hear his robot voice (scripted voice) check out his YouTube channel. I am even in a couple of the videos. https://www.youtube.com/@LearnHebrewSchool I still got frustrated with myself again when it came time for a couple prayers at shul. I know I should be patient with myself, but there are a couple places that I need to be able to speak fast and read fast, and I can't. My response is still, "What she said!" It's frustrating. I feel dumb. I freeze when it comes to these specific parts and everything around me just becomes noise. I'm not sure why, but instead of being too hard on myself, I am going to take L's advice and focus on one prayer and master it and then go on to the next. It is my goal to be able to wake up in the morning and say the morning blessings in Hebrew instead of reading through them in English. This should be a good place to start because they all start the same and it only leaves me with a few words to say that I don't already know. When I get them down, I will work on the Shema. Then I will work on my bedtime prayer in Hebrew. When I can start every morning with prayer in Hebrew and end every day with prayer in Hebrew, then I think I can work on the service and not be frustrated or flustered around others while learning the service in Hebrew. The prayers I pray in home when it is just me and Hashem should come first, because that is the point of this whole conversion, getting closer to Hashem. Days and weeks can be stressful and tough, but when I read a prayer, pray a prayer in English or partly in Hebrew, when I light the Shabbat candles, when I read through a verse in Hebrew, when I have a short conversation (even a couple words) in Hebrew, when I bless the food before and after I eat, when make sure what I'm eating is kosher, when read the Torah, when I read Tehillim, when I learn Isaiah, when I do one of the many things that have become a life immersed in Hashem, I feel a peace that I have never felt. I feel a closeness with G-d that I have never felt. I feel like the me that has always been trying to get out and didn't know how. How could I want any other life than this? I am so blessed to have brought to this point on this day. Baruch Hashem. |
| What led an old lady to hug me and ask if I really wanted to do this while attending a prayer meeting? Read the blog today and you will find out. Friday night I attended a women's dinner. I admit that I barely made it on time, and stressed about running late. I dodged crazy drivers and only cried once. I immediately prayed and felt comforted. Then my music (set to shuffle) became more uplifting and upbeat. My near accident (still not sure how I avoided that one) began to feel less important. I made it to the shul just before we started (literally like a minute if I'm being generous). My friends saved a place at the table for me and then we sat in chairs in a large circle. We sang together and watched children dance around the table full of Shabbat candles. Every woman that was there (over 50, I believe) lit a candle for themselves and one for their husband if they were married. If you've read any of my other entries, you know how I feel about Shabbat candles. A table full of them was a beautiful sight and filled my spirit with wonder and joy. I met some wonderful women and heard some inspiring stories. During the meeting we played some interesting games, but we also learned that on the back of our name tag was the name of one of the hostages taken by HAMAS. The name on the back of my name card is on the list found here https://www.chabad.org/library/article_cdo/aid/6140595/jewish/Names-of-the-Hosta... Saturday started off like any other Shabbat. I got up, got ready for shul (had spent the night at a couple's house from shul whom I had stayed with before). I attended shul. I had lunch with the family whose house I had spent the night at, (More on that lunch tomorrow) and took a short but wonderful nap. I walked with a group of women to attend a prayer meeting. On the way (we were walking because there is no driving on Shabbat), a car stopped in front of us and a man jumped out moving quite quickly. We were a bit on guard when he greeted us with, "Shabbat Shalom" which is a common greeting among Jews (remember the man was driving). His voice was shaky when he spoke. He said that we needed to be careful when we went to shul because Jews were being targeted. That morning a rabbi was stabbed and murdered in front of her synagogue in downtown Detroit. We told him that we were on our way to a prayer service to pray for the soldiers Israel. He got back into his car and drove away, turned around and drove back by us very slowly. It was weird and a bit scary. On edge, we finished walking to the prayer service. We sat with a group of women (about 20) reading through Tehillim praying for the soldiers and the hostages. The ladies started telling about the guy that stopped and gave the news of the rabbi that was stabbed in front of the synagogue. One of the old women (whom I was walking with to prayer service) asked me if I was sure I still wanted this. I have no doubt that this is what I want, even in the scary moments. We walked back to the house where we started watching every car and still a bit on edge. I left the ladies at the house and began my walk back to shul to get my car. It was getting dark and I could not see in the windows of the cars. Every car that drove slowly by made me nervous. I made it shul and to my car. There is so much more to say, but it is late tonight (Technically tomorrow). I will write some more tomorrow since there is still so much more to say. |
| Some days I feel as though I am in an awkward position looking at a life from the outside. As a person who is just at the infant stages of conversion, I am looking through the window at a life not yet mine and detached from all happiness, celebrations, and pain. Then there are days, like this week, where happiness, family, and pain hits home. I am no longer looking through the window, I am in the middle of the room watching events occur around me, interacting, and wanting to do more. I am so blessed to have amazing people in my life that I have met along this journey. To list them all would be difficult, but they all have such a large impact on my heart. I have come to know some people that have changed my mind, my heart, and my life...forever. The past month was full of holidays, dancing, laughing, singing, praying, and learning. All of my tutors, my rabbis, and my friends were celebrating and joyous. These past ten days have been very different. You cannot be a Jew anywhere in the world and not be affected by the war in Israel, it is directly affecting millions of people around the world, including those that I have grown to care about. My Hebrew tutor GZ, who I have gotten to know and call a friend has never been shy about sharing his views. He has family in Israel, as most Jews do, but is dealing with a war at home as well. He shared a news story and article with me about his rabbi whose house was egged and a swastika was drawn on the window of his house. Why was this done? Because his house is also the community's place of worship, their Chabad synagogue. The article and video can be found here: https://bc.ctvnews.ca/b-c-rabbi-s-house-egged-vandalized-with-anti-semitic-graff... My prayer tutor L, who I have shared many late night conversations with about faith, and family, and life, shared with me the picture showing his father on the train on his way to a concentration camp (photo attached with L's permission). As a son of two holocaust survivors and a former IDF (Israel Defense Forces) soldier, he has so many stories to tell and a unique perspective to share about events in history and events happening today. I follow many different organizations on YouTube. The IDF is one of them. Some of their videos are encouraging and some are heartbreaking. Seeing a house shot up by HAMAS terrorists and blood in the beds, including the children's beds and the crib, is heartbreaking. I know everyone has heard about the beheading of the children and the other atrocities that have occurred during the invasion of Israel. There is a video that really got to me this week https://youtube.com/shorts/6R6_L11-tVk?si=oSScWpXmB_giFown It is of a soldier starting with, "Let's play a game" and then says to put a finger down for each of the things she describes, rockets launched at your home, if your social media is flooded with obituaries, if you believed that the last text you sent to your friends would be their last message ever, if someone you know is missing, kidnapped, or slaughtered by HAMAS terrorists, and if you haven't been the same and will never be the same since the invasion occurred. The soldier had all five fingers down and 7 million others have all five fingers down as well. The news continues to break my heart. Why then would I still want to convert to becoming a part of a people who are so targeted throughout history and even today? I will tell you. GZ continues to teach me on a daily basis with joy, laughter, humor, and acceptance. He still takes time to support me in my learning and in other ways that show he is a real friend. L still stays up late with me praying with me, singing through prayers with me, laughing with me, crying with me, and giving a part of his enormous heart to the world around him. Community members are still reaching out and messaging me to let me know that security will be increased so I don't have to worry coming to shul this weekend, and being supportive in other ways, including opening their homes for me stay so I can attend shul and not have to drive so far in one day. When my host S, who opened her home to me multiple weekends over the high holidays was asked if she had any family in Israel, her reply, "Only 7 million of them" was a show of her heart for all Jews. But she is not the only one who feels that way, all Jews do. The love and support they have for one another is unparalleled in any other community on earth. Then there are all of the videos of the IDF and soldiers that are an inspiration. What is the main focus of the IDF's message for those wanting to help? Pray your prayers morning, noon, and evening. Be observant. Give to charity. Be kind to others. And, of course, learn Torah. Out of every message that I have seen, the overarching theme is to strengthen your faith (emunah) in Hashem (G-d). This is one of the many videos with this message that I found quite inspiring this week. Thank you L for sharing it with me. https://www.instagram.com/reel/CycwmyeOhf-/?igshid=MzRlODBiNWFlZA%3D%3D&fbclid=I... The inspiration of these soldiers and their faith does not stop there. I saw a video of soldiers that rescued a Torah scroll from a village that was pillaged and residents murdered. Posted by Living Lchaim https://youtube.com/shorts/97ZvXH8eTk8?si=-SyjyN0G7GtmELGC you can hear the singing and celebration for the rescue of the sacred text. Living Lchaim has no end to videos of soldiers singing songs on Shabbat and songs of praise to Hashem while they are guarding buildings and driving military vehicles, and sitting in dirt trenches with their guns. Faith is what is most important. Faith in Hashem is what matters. I made my decision to convert to Judaism knowing the history of hatred for the people whose main purpose in life to praise and live for Hashem, but I want to do that too. It is my love for G-d and my desire to worship him the way he wants me to worship him and to pray to him the way he wants me to pray to him and to live the life that he wants me to live that convinced me to convert. I had no knowledge of the the amazing people that I would be so blessed to meet on this journey. I had no idea that a war would occur and I would watch as those amazing people pray to their creator through tears of pain and hope. I had no idea that I would be willing to change my entire life and walk away from dreams that I once wanted and I life I enjoyed living for a new dream and a new life. I would be proud to call the people I have had the pleasure to meet, on this journey, my family and I still hope to some day. My belief in Hashem has not changed. He was, he is, and he will be one for all eternity. My faith in Hashem has not changed. He leads me, he guides me, he directs my steps. There is no waver of faith or question of my decision. I know where I stand and who I stand with, and someday, these wonderful friends and community members that I have grown to care for and love will be my family. I am still converting without reservation. I am going to shul on Shabbat because there is no place on earth I would rather be than with my people and my G-d, our G-d.  |
| This was the first Shabbat that I spent at home in months. I had work obligations which kept me home Friday night. I wasn't home in time to light the Shabbat candles so my daughter A2 lit them for me (without a blessing). It was nice to come home to let candles, but I really miss lighting them. However, Saturday, as I looked at them while doing kiddush, they had a special glow. It was peaceful and restful. It was exactly what I needed but it still left me wanting. Being at home on Shabbat did leave me missing members of the community because they are so amazing. Their smiles and dedication give me strength to make through a week of davening alone among those who don't understand me or my journey. But there was more missing from the weekend than just my friends and community. There is something unexplainable about praying in the shul instead of at home that makes Shabbat a completely different experience. It something spiritual and within the heart and the soul, a special communication with G-d that happens when davening in the shul (praying in the synagogue). I am missing that feeling today. I can hear the chants of the cantors in head from the past few weeks of being there multiple days, but that sound is fading. I know I needed this weekend of rest, but after one weekend away, I can't imagine not going to shul every chance I have to be there. I slept, but I don't feel rested. Perhaps it is the "Good Sabbaths" or the "Shabbat Shaloms", or the prayers being sung that I am missing, or the Torah scrolls being raised, or the Torah scroll making its way round the room and touching it, or the cantor chanting after the congregation, or hearing the prayers in Hebrew from all around, or hearing the Torah read in Hebrew and following along, or the power of praying with a congregation. Or maybe, it is all of it combined. While wishing I could be at shul and missing it, I wonder how the community members are doing with the war in Israel, and how their families are doing, and wanting to offer love and encouragement. I was not cut off from the community by not being gone one weekend. Several of the community members reached out throughout the week which gave me great joy and encouraged me to not focus on what I missed this weekend, but look forward to next weekend when I will be there again. I reached out to others and their hearts are big and aching, and their love for me and their people will resonate with me all this coming week. There is no place I would rather be than with these amazing people who, one day, I will get to call my family. Reading through prayers in the Siddur with L was helpful also. We spent a couple of late nights reading through the services, and even though my Hebrew is slow (and I'm sure painful to listen to), he was encouraging and helpful the entire time. And when midnight passed and the nikud disappeared into the page and the letters blurred together, he took over and started singing the prayer. I would feel bad normally for falling asleep on someone on the phone, but what better way to fall asleep than to the sound of prayers being sung to me. When I started this journey, I didn't want who I am to change, and I don't believe that part of me ever will. I will always be same soul that started this journey to becoming a Jew, but I will also be changed. I know I am not the same person as I was when I started. I am more confident in myself because I understand G-d's love for me in a different way and my purpose on Earth in a different way. I talk more, which shocks my family, but it's hard not to talk when the new language I am learning fills my tongue with such joy. I read a lot more, because I have so much to learn. I see people in a different way and motivations of others differently. I feel more disconnected from those around me, because I am no longer like them. I can respond to Christian statements with understanding, but I can't share in the feeling of them. Different feelings arise instead. My feelings aren't the only thing that has shifted. My whole world has shifted. Becoming a Jew is not a single act for me or even a couple years of learning. It is becoming a person who lives a life of dedication from the meant I reach a state of consciousness and thanking G-d often even before opening my eyes, until I fall asleep at night with the last words from my lips being a blessing and a prayer. It is thoughts of G-d at every meal with a blessing before I eat thanking G-d for the food and a blessing after I eat again thanking G-d for his provision. It is in my daily prayer to understand the Torah I read, and prayer for traveling to and from work each day, and the prayer for peace, and the Shema, and the Amidah, and the varies prayers I go over with my tutor, and the last prayer I pray before bed. It is in making sure my daughter's cat is fed before I am, it is in making sure I give tzedakah, and when I sing prayers and songs in Hebrew thanking G-d, and when I light candles and welcome in the Shabbat, and when I do kiddush, and when I welcome the angles, and when I close out Shabbat, and when I turn off my candles, and in every breath I breathe. Becoming a Jew isn't an single act. It isn't just eating kosher, following the holiday schedule, speaking Hebrew and Yiddush, attending shul, saying the Shema at least twice a day, dressing a certain way, lighting candles, praying, not working on Shabbat, and reading a million books. Though all of these things are what sets the Jewish people apart from the rest of the world, there is also a spiritual connection with Hashem, the creator of the universe, magnifying an inner thankfulness, trust, and fear that permeates the soul of every Jew. It is not an act to be a Jew. It is a state of being. I spent 45 years learning what it meant to be a Christian. Though I hope it doesn't take me that long to enter the mikvah, I want to give G-d the rest of my life learning what it means to be Jew. |
| Tonight was Talmud with the Rabbi who glows. He said that he wasn't going through the portion to be inspirational, but he most definitely was inspirational. His message was exactly what I needed to hear. When war happens, there is a myriad amount of emotions that a person goes through to process what is happening. I have been depressed, sad, angry, confused, and in mourning. I am still mourning for those lost and will continue mourning, but I was reminded tonight that it is important to feel hope, to not be afraid, and to know that victory is certain. G-d promises victory to Israel. He is with every soldier fighting, because he promises to be with them and promises to grant victory over their enemies. The Rabbi also talked about the power of the Shema prayer and it's recitation twice daily (as is the mitzvah). The belief in one G-d is what sets the Jewish people apart from all other faiths. When they go to battle, they take with them The Creator himself. How can failure be possible when G-d fights for his people? Failure is not possible. It is not an option. If G-d can create an entire universe with one breath, who could possibly stand a chance against him, against Israel? He said something about the soldiers that I did not know and was amazed by. Every soldier, the observant and the non-observant, are wearing tzitzit. This, just as the Shema prayer does, shows how Israel is set apart from the rest of the world. Though the world may understand the significance of this, every Jew does. To be a Jew means to be a people, to be one. There is no such things as a lone person in Israel, there is only the people of Israel, and G-d is with and fights for Israel. So though I am still mourning tonight, I am understanding my friends and my teachers a bit better tonight with this important reminder from my Rabbi. So do what you can do support the soldiers, even if it only saying the Shema prayer twice daily as commanded. G-d will honor that, because Israel is one. I think of my bedtime prayer that references Tehillim (Psalm) 91 that describes not being afraid because of saying, "The Lord is my refuge" and "You have made the Most High your dwelling place." Faith and trust in Hashem is the key to victory. I have been saying this prayer (Psalm) for months, but I am understanding it on a different level tonight. G-d is in the very midst of battle, because the soldiers put their faith in him. Psalm 91 https://www.chabad.org/library/bible_cdo/aid/16312/jewish/Chapter-91.htm My Hebrew tutor GZ has lived in Israel through two wars and tried to convey this hope yesterday. I'm sorry I was too overwhelmed with my grief to see it. My prayer tutor L also attempted to convey this truth yesterday when he talked about his time serving in the IDF. Though he encouraged me and made me feel so much better and helped me sleep in peace, I still did not grasp it last night. It took a third teacher to help me understand. There will be a time for mourning (not that I won't still have those feelings), but right now is the time for support for battle to stop the murder of more innocent lives. If you pray, please pray for Israel. If you don't know what to pray, pray one of the prayers available at the following links. https://www.sefaria.org/Siddur_Ashkenaz%2C_Shabbat%2C_Shacharit%2C_Communal_Pray... https://www.chabad.org/library/article_cdo/aid/809299/jewish/Psalms-for-Times-of... If you would like to donate, here are a couple of places to donate to help Israel. https://www.chabad.org/special/campaigns/israel/donate.htm https://www.timesofisrael.com/where-people-abroad-can-donate-to-israels-hospital... Your local Chabad Center If you need to do more, please read this article and watch the video for more ideas. https://www.chabad.org/library/article_cdo/aid/6120608/jewish/7-Things-You-Can-D... |
| Why do people have to hurt each other? I know that is a rhetorical question. I just don't understand the necessity of war, destruction, and hate. Especially hate. Anyone that has read other things I have written besides this blog, knows that I have not had an easy life. I understand what it is like to be beaten, abused, left, and hurt. Do I hate those that did those things to me? No. I don't want them around me ever, or around my children ever, but I don't hate them. God will take care of them for their actions, and hopefully they will have remorse some time in their lives and give back to the world because of it. Hate accomplishes nothing. It doesn't heal. It doesn't make the person hating feel better, only worse. It doesn't solve problems, only causes more if actions are done because of it. I don't understand hate. Is it's only purpose to hurt and destroy others and the hater? My Rabbi said that everything is created by Hashem so it has a purpose. There is no good purpose in hate. Is hate there only to give us the free will to choose love instead? If so, then choose love. That is a place where purpose can found and expanded upon and accomplish everything that hate cannot. That is the place where people change and worlds change. Choose to accomplish by love. Leviticus (Vayikra - ויקרא) 19:17-18 says לא-תשנא which means "Do not hate." Imagine if this truth extended to the entire world and the entire world started living this. And instead of hating, they decided to love one another as verse 18 commands us to do. Earth would become Eden once again. Heaven would be on Earth. Do not hate. Choose love. Then, and only then, will I understand the world. |
| On the day of tragedy comes dancing. Simchat Torah was interrupted by explosions, gunfire, and death. On the most joyous day of the year, tears fell. Around the world, people prayed for Israel and their safety. In synagogues, prayers lasted for hours and then, as commanded in the Torah, joyous celebrations began. Simchat Torah is the finishing of the Torah reading and the starting of the reading all over. The Torah consists of the first five books of the English bible: Genesis (בראשית), Exodus (שצות), Leviticus (ויקרא), Numbers (במדבר), and Deuteronomy (במדבר). This means they finish reading the book of Deuteronomy and then started reading Genesis. This is read in Hebrew in the synagogue so no matter what country you find yourself in, you can walk into a synagogue and join a service. This is one thing (of many) that unifies the Jewish people around the world. This site offers a good English and transliteration combo https://www.chabad.org/library/bible_cdo/aid/63255/jewish/The-Bible-with-Rashi.h... It was somber at parts with hugs and comforting those with children and family in Israel and serving in the IDF (Israel Defense Forces). However, after some amount of alcohol, the reading was done and the dancing began. The dancing was accompanied by singing for Israel, singing for Hashem, singing for the future of the Jewish people, singing for the coming of the Mashiach, and singing for a joyous year because we are commanded to do so. Did I sing? When I knew the song or the words were repeated enough times, yes. Did I laugh with others, yes. Did I cry with others, yes. Did I dance, of course! I joined hands with the women and danced around the shul while the men danced with the scrolls on their side of the shul. Children were on parent's shoulders waving flags of celebration. Men climbed on top of other men's shoulders and sang and danced in circles around the synagogue. The Torah Scrolls made rounds around the synagogue for hours. Then the dancing and singing went outside. Under the stars, men formed one circle with the five Torah scrolls dancing and singing. Women formed another circle, holding hands and danced and sang. Children got into the middle of the circle and we celebrated the children in attendance. It was a celebration of Torah, a celebration of the acceptance of the Jewish life, a celebration of all things Jewish, and a celebration of the hope of the future of Israel as promised by G-d. The words, "We want Mashiach now!" rang out from the synagogue, both days, out into the streets. Peace. Peace for Israel and for the entire world. A world full of people loving one another, helping one another, friendship, and family. A world full of people that loves one true G-d, the G-d who created the heavens and the earth and everything and everyone in it. That is what it means to want the world with the Mashiach in it. That is what it means to be Jewish. To spend two days with people who share my love for G-d and see it celebrated so openly and to have a one (if you live in Israel) or two day holiday specifically to show joy and love for receiving G-d's word is beyond amazing, spiritually satisfying, and proof of everything that is right in the world. With wars and hatred for Jews for just being Jewish, do I still want to become a Jew myself? Yes, I do. More than ever. |
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