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My journal about my conversion to Judaism. |
| I started writing my conversion story in June 2023, even though it started before then. It will not be in chronological order as I remember things from the past that brought me to this point in my life. My decision to convert was not an easy one. I grew up pentecostal. I watched my grandma speak in tongues. My aunt played keyboard in the church band. I used to attend church (a member of a Baptist church for many years) 3 to 4 times a week. I did not start my journey of healing after my divorce and expect to end up here. However, my desire and work to grow closer to G-d has left me no doubt or question about where I am now. I have no hesitation in my conversion to Judaism. This is my story of leaving Christianity and becoming a part of a people that I will be able to, one day, proudly say that I am also. A Jew. |
| I'm going home tomorrow. There is a fine line between doing what is right and honoring your parents. There are certain things I could not do because I could not expect my dad to understand and do everything that I do on Shabbat. So, he turned off the candles (which I purchased just for here) and turned off lights, and asked me to use the microwave. Of course I was sad that the candles were off because of what it means to me, but I can't expect him to feel the same. Just like my children who visit, I need to introduce my beliefs little by little knowing they will never mean the same to him as they do to me. Being here is like looking at the present through a stranger's point of view. I understand the lifestyle, but I don't live in that world and after some time, I miss my family. I have always felt like I didn't belong, but now I know without a doubt that I don't belong here. I miss feeling the presence of God in my home. I miss his closeness. I miss the magic of Shabbat. I did not have that magic today. I love my dad and how he has changed his life. I love that he enjoyed me being here with him and enjoyed taking care of him this past week. However, I am happy to be returning to the life I have been living for these past 6 months, to learn more and put it into practice right away without judgement and argument and misunderstanding. I still plan on meeting my Rabbi on Tuesday and figuring out where I will be staying when I get to travel there to attend shul. I'm looking forward to time to study my Hebrew without interruption. Before I came, I already knew that I couldn't go back to my old beliefs. I know now that I don't want to. I was worried about how I would integrate with my family during and after my conversion. I understand a bit more now. I will never change my desire to become a Jew and when I do, I will never wish I hadn't. I understand the difference between Judaism and Christianity on a different level now. I know I will be able to navigate family interactions and be constantly exposed to the name of Jesus and not waver or feel ashamed for my decision. I am happy to have a deep and meaningful relationship with The Creator of the Universe, and though I know my family will never understand that relationship, it is what drives me forward and influences everything I do. Thank you Hashem for helping me let go of the past and yearn for you and the future you have for me. Where you are leading, I am following. |
| There is a point in conversion that moving forward is necessary. If this week at my dad's house has shown me anything, it is that I am ready to take the next step in my conversion process. That next step includes moving to a Jewish community. This next week I am meeting with my rabbi for the first time in person and discussing the next steps to start becoming part of the Jewish community, when I should be there to attend community functions, and how I can attend shul. This means I will also start meeting with the Beit Din. The Biet Din is a court of rabbis that make the final judgement when a candidate is ready to take the final step in conversion, the mikvah. My community that I will be transitioning into is two and half hours away from where I live and from where I work. That means, after this school year, I will not only be moving where I live, but I will also have to change where I work. I will spend the next school year straddling the line between the life I have now and the life I want to live. I'm nervous about meeting my rabbi, and I hope that I can ask questions that I need to ask and feel a sense of belonging there. |
| You know in those scary movies where they enter someone's house and there are crosses and Jesus photos everywhere and they find a body under the floorboards? I think they filmed those scenes here at my dad's. It is amazing how many crosses he has all over his house. They are on walls, shelves, even hanging from fixtures in which you have to grab it to turn on a light or a fan. It's creepy. I'm at my dad's house for a week for his birthday and doctor's appointments. Last time I was here we argued. This time is different. He is asking questions about what I can eat and why. He was getting frustrated a little bit, but I told him that the rules were for me because I'm becoming a Jew, and it was fine for him to eat whatever he wanted to eat. He was fine after that, and he seemed curious on what I can eat and what I choose to eat. My aunt and cousins were over and asked me about going to church. I just told them no I don't go to church and changed the subject. I didn't want to get "witnessed to." If you have a strong religious family, you know exactly what I am talking about. Being away from home, I am finding my prayer routine messed up. I am trying to pray while cooking here, where at home I will have already been on my elliptical, showered, dressed, and prayed before having to wake my daughter. I miss my routine. I love my dad, and it has been nice to get to know him as a someone trying to be a good man instead of the abusive alcoholic and drug adict that I grew up knowing. I'm tired of crosses and pictures of Jesus. I'm tired of hearing that Jesus loves me and hearing people pray in Jesus' name instead of praying to the God that created them. I'm tired of seeing christian movies of peple acting horrible and doing horrible things until the end of the movie where they hear that Jesus loves them and then they are changed for the next 30 second scene. There is such a culture difference between christians and Jews. I don't belong here. Christianity is not my home, and I'm having difficulty breathing when Jesus is shoved in my face at every turn. I want my access to Jewish wisdom. I want access to both of my prayer books (I only brought one). I want to see my sabbath candles. Even unlit, I can feel their magic to my core. I miss being surrounded by Jewish books, journals (I have 4 different ones for different purposes), Hebrew writing, and music. Thank you Hashem for showing me that I'm not who I once was. I love you with all my heart, all my soul, and all I am. |
| Some days there is a lot to process, and today is no exception. First I am happy to say that my challah came out perfectly. I pulled it out of the oven just before my daughter was about to walk out the door to go to work on Friday. I cut her a piece of fresh challah from one of the loaves and tried a piece myself after she left. It was everything I expected challah to be. I did a few things different than what the receipe called for. I put in a little less sugar, courser salt, kept it in the fridge for two days (less than 48 hours technically), and split the dough into 4 loaves instead of the 2. I wish I could figure out how to upload a photo, because all the loaves looked as beautiful as they did last time, but also tasted wonderful this time. It actually tasted so good that I ate over half of a loaf by myself. Let's just say finishing my dinner salad was not possible, and I may be increasing my mileage on my elliptical a bit earlier than planned. My daughter D2 and her husband T came over Saturday and enjoyed dinner and games. They polished off the entire batch of brownies that made and most of a container of cookies. We played two board games, cheater's edition Monopoly and a game whose name escapes my memory. There was a lot of laughter (most at me) when we played Monopoly. The point of the game is to try to win by cheating. I cannot lie without laughing or telling the truth so I was caught almost every time and they loved that I kept trying even though my attempts were so obvious. I am glad that my inability to lie caused so much happiness. I definitely did not win that game. The second game we played was interesting with no cheating involved. We built settlements and roads and collected resources. It was interesting and one that I didn't want to end so quickly. I didn't win that one either, but the hours of playing these games seemed to fly by. Of course with all the happiness and family fun, there were changes in the normal family game night routine. They were concious about keeping lights on and corrected one another when someone turned them off. Turning off lights is a normal thing to teach children to do when they leave a room. My daughters D2 and A2 are struggling a bit with the contradiction between Shabbat rules and their upbringing. Then there was the questions about what I was doing talking to my food before I took a bite. Of course, I could not answer until I finished the bite as not to take the Lord's name in vain. I told her I was saying my brucha or blessing before I ate. I was eating one cookie (I didn't need more than that after all the bread I ate), and she was amazed that I would do it over something so small. She said, "So it's like you used to do, but more." Meaning that always have prayed before a meal but now I do before I eat anything regardless of the amount. While that is true, I do pray before I eat anything regardless of size, it also is before drinking anything, before getting out of bed (one of my favorites), after washing my hands, before reading scripture, before geoing to bed, when smelling good fragrences, and so much more. The question caught me off guard and I didn't know how to explain the difference, so I just replied, "Yes." Another challenge is not looking at my phone. Not looking at my phone would have saved me worry and stress today. My boss texted me and asked me to open a test for a student still working on his summer classes because the student was in the hospital during summer school. I am not supposed to work on Shabbat so opening a test is breaking that sabbath. My mind was not on keeping rules of the sabbath but on the needs of that one student and wanting to see him succeed, so my laptop opened, I logged into the summer school program and I opened the test. My boss called me a saint, but I didn't feel like a saint. I felt guilt. I worked which is forbidden. Though those few clicks was the easiest part of my job for summer school, it was still part of my job. The fact that my boss said I could put in time on a time card to be paid for that time just makes it worse. Did I take away time that was supposed to be dedicated to honoring G-d to unlock a test for a student who might not even take the test today? Is G-d disappointed that I didn't say that I would do it tomorrow? Which, by the way, never even occured to me to do. Not looking at my phone would have saved me from a tough conversation with my brother as well. My youngest brother is a messianic jew. He converted some time ago, and I spent a long time convincing our dad that he is not in a cult. I have watched my brother struggle with his faith for a while, and at one point, he said he didn't believe in God. I have always encouraged him and told him that God is there and still loving him whether he believes it or not. My conversion is not easy for him. He doesn't understand how I can go from attending church 4 times a week to not believing in Jesus (though I never believed he was God) and going full orthodox. My brother and I have limited interactions. We only met when he was in high school, and I was a single mother of 4. We saw each other a few years ago at a Thanksgiving dinner and took an awkward photo (since we were siblings and the only single ones there) with his children (he is a single dad of 3) and my younges (only one left at home). Before that we saw each other at the hospital when our dad had a heart attack, and it was years before that when we were just getting to know one another. I understand with his limited contact that he is struggling with my conversion, and I can't answer all of his questions and could only say that I believe in the 13 principles of faith and the Tanach. Being a messianic jew, he of course knows what those are, but we ended our conversation with him not satisfied. I had to focus on my daughter and her husband waiting for me to get off the phone and I didn't know how to explain away his reservations about my choice. I know our conversation isn't over, but I could feel his disappointment miles away. Lord, you are my rock and my strength. It is in you I trust. Shavua Tov everyone. |
| Jews believe that your soul leaves your body at night to be closer to God and is renewed by God each night. Many times God fulfills my needs through my dreams. When I am on the elliptical concentrated in prayer and when I am at my bedside pouring my heart out to God, I can feel his presence, his gentle touch on my head or shoulder to let me know that he there. However, when I wake in the morning, oftentimes I have so much to thank for God for before I even open my eyes. While he is giving my soul rest, he gives my brain what it needs to make it through another day or week. If you think I am expressive or exaggerative in my writing, which I have heard, imagine being in this mind at all times. If I need joy, he gives me a memory, laughter, or fulfills a wish. If I need creativity, he gives me a dream filled with color and nothing that makes sense or is in reality. If I need a sense of safety, I have a nightmare where I am running for my life and wake up to a quiet room, birds chirping outside my window, and kitty cuddles. If I need comfort, I am held and wake with the feeling of being loved and the words, "Thank you for this, Lord" still echoing in my mind. I wake comforted, safe, full of joy, at peace, and so blessed. Today I prepare for Shabbat which starts at sundown. That means finishing cleaning the house, round two of making challah, cooking two dinners, making sure lights are on, dishes are done, sabbath table set (counter for me). Then I get the privilege of lighting the candles and welcoming God into my home. There is no other way to describe Shabbat than magical. Easy Hebrew Method (Unit 3) $75 $290 + $75 = $365 (total spent learning Hebrew) I have learned multiple languages in my lifetime. I am native to English (though my spelling may not show it), I took multiple years of French, I have studied Spanish for a couple of years, and now I am learning Hebrew. Of all the languages I have learned and spoken, Hebrew is by far my favorite. It is a beautiful language that I immensely enjoy hearing, reading, and speaking, and I look forward to writing in it in the future. Shabbat Shalom |
| There are many things I love about Judaism. I love the prayers, I love the traditions, I love that everything I do and think and eat all have God at the center of it. As I think about preparing to go back to teaching full time, I worry that my job will suck more energy out of me than I can give and still be as heavy into learning as I am now. I love having the time to read books on how to run a Jewish household, read about Jewish wisdom, study Torah alone and with others, and learn the Hebrew language. I don't want to miss out on any part of the life that I am falling in love with living. With that being said, part of me also feels guilty. Because I do plan to complete my conversion, I must move to a Jewish community. To do this, I will have to give up my job. I do not see a way to keep my current position at my current school and live in a Jewish community. I now live in the middle of nowhere, basically. That means there are no kosher markets or cafes. Also, that means there are no synagogues. To complete my conversion, I must move. I will move. What makes me feel guilty is how invested I am in the community that I serve and in the school in which I work. I don't only teach during the school day, I tutor after school, I run a crochet club, I volunteer to chaperone dances and activity nights, I am class advisor, I run concessions for the sports boosters, I am a mentor to a probationary teacher, and I was just informed by my boss that I am being recommended for department chair. I do all of these things because I love my students and my community. I feel as though I am able to give a small piece of myself and give these students a few hours of safety and love and a few years of good memories. At my last evaluation, my boss told me that he loves that I have become the school mom. When I move, will someone step up and fill that gap? Will I have a chance to give myself and my heart to students at another school. WIll I even fit into another school and a Jewish community? Wishing there was a synagogue closer so I could become the person that I know, without a doubt that God wants me to be, and I want to become, will not solve my problem.I have to make a choice. I have made a choice. I trust you, Lord with my todays and tomorrows. Where you are leading, I am willingly following. |
| Today is the 15th of Av in the Jewish religious calendar known as the holiday Tu B'Av. Today is the equivalent of Valentine's Day in the United States. The story goes that a woman was gang raped by a group of men from the tribe of Benjamin killing her. Her husband was so distraught that he chopped up her body and sent pieces to all the tribes of Israel to show what the men had done to his beloved wife. The tribes expected swift justice to the men who brutally raped and killed the woman. They did not get what it and the first civil war between the tribes of Israel ensued. Tens of thousands of people died as a result. A truce was made between the tribes, but as punishment, no woman from any tribe was permitted to marry a man from the tribe of Benjamin. These rules were lifted on Tu B'Av. This day soon became a day that young women would dress in white and go dancing in the field, and match makers would make matches for them. Though match makers still exist, most people now rely on the greatest matchmaker of them all, God. Tu B'Av is now the modern day Valentie's Day where people express their love for one another, young people get engaged, and love fills the air. They go out dancing and looking for love. Those that don't go out, have dance parties at home. There are other significant events that happened on this day as well, but it is best known as a day of love with a full moon. No one would accuse me of being you, and I am not in love (or even dating). I think it is okay for me to sit this holiday out this year. Well, except for the dancing part. I will be home dancing, like I always do, but by myself. |
| On Mondays, my very American Rabbi holds a zoom class titled Weekly Roundup. In this class, he discusses topics that he usually received questions about from those converting, or that has to do with the weekly Torah and Haftarah readings, or upcoming holidays. The recordings are abailable on YouTube under Chabad.org's page. This past Monday he discussed bruchas (blessings) before and after eating, what, when, and why. I think this was the lesson that finally helped me get it. Though I was doing well with the before eating bruchas, I knew I wasn't the after eating bruchas. Why say a blessing before and after eating? Because in Judaism, thanking G-d is interwoven into every aspect of life. Everything we have, everything we eat, every blessing we receive is because of Hashem. Everything belongs to him and he loves us so much, he gives us food to nourish our bodies, clean clothes to wear, and a warm bed to sleep in at night. He gives us rest at night and gives us breath for another day. Because G-d blesses us and takes such good care of us, we should thank him in return. I watched a video that said for some, it is a goal to say 100 blessings a day. I'm not sure how that is possible. I have said (by my count) 21 blessings today and most likely will only say a few more before falling asleep tonight. I understand giving thanks and the heartfelt desire to thank the G-d who has given me so much and blessed me so greatly, but I don't want it to become a chore or a game. Every brucha I do is heartfelt because I know I have so much to be thankful for. I don't want to lose the meaning behind my words and it become just something I do. Thank you my G-d, my redeemer, keeper of my heart, for blessing me today and every day. |
| I'm not sure what triggered me today, but I am definitely struggling today. The more learn, the harder I study, and the more I incorporate G-d into all that I do, all that I say, and all that I am, the more I struggle with the fact that I didn't get it together enough to do this a long time ago when I first started questioning. I understand why now, as I mentioned in previous entries, but my heart longs for more time. What will I get, 10 years, 20 years, 30 years, 40 years, maybe, to live the life that G-d wants me to live. Also, the more that I study and observe the Orthadox Jewish life, the more I regret not having had the chance to raise my children to do the same. I understand how confusing it would be for a child to go from observing Christianity to Judaism with everyone around you still being a Christian, but it would have been wonderful to have them have the chance to feel this close to Hashem. For the chance to have been able to say a blessing over them ever Friday night as we celebrated our time together and spent time as a family. We did have dinners together and family game nights with not screen time, but it's not like it could have been. I know I will get to teach my children some things, be a good example, and teach and educate my grandchildren (when I have some), but I can't help to think what could have been. When I talked with my very American Rabbi, he said, "I don't know, but I've heard that before," and it made me feel that I am not alone in my feelings. That all my struggles others have gone through before. Daily, I am understanding who I was, who I am, and who I will be. I don't always like who I was, and even though I like who I am now, I can't wait to meet the person that I will be. I think about the day I emerge from the mikvah a new person with a new identity and a new name. So, on days like today, I lean on the grace of Hashem, I pick up my pencil, and I study Hebrew. |
| Having raised four children who are now all adults and living lives of their own, I have been asked, "What made you want to convert now?" Going through this process, I can say that a person needs to be whole and prepared and willing to have the focus of their lives on Hashem. After spending 12 years healing, I know I would not have been able to emotionally handle all the triumphs and set backs that I am experiencing with my conversion. I know that my focus over the past 12 years was taking care of my children before anything else. That meant working two jobs and going to college full time for 6 years and sleeping only a few hours a night. How could I posssibly have made time to learn all that I am learning now. I would have been too overwhelmed. Then there is the spiritual reasons. Remember that I attended church up to 4 times a week (more if there was a revival). I needed that time to question, to grow spiritually closer to God and away from the church. The more I attended, the more I questioned. The amount of devotion to God that is required to live a devout Orthodox Jewish life is even greater than all the time I spent in the church. Again, while raising 4 children alone, working two jobs, and college full time, how could I have figured out time to study and live a new way of life and teach my children as I learned? So though I am not young, I trust Hashem's timing in my life. He knew when and walked with me through my slow decision process until I got it at the moment of his choosing. There are verses that I used to get me through my healing that I still cling to and still shapes my worship and thought process. Nehemiah 8:10 - "...Do not be sad, for your rejoicing in the Lord is the source of your strength." This verse is why you will rarely see me without a smile on my face. I have so many things to be thankful for and Hashem has never abandoned me. He has given me strength to go on even on days that I thought I couldn't. Hashem is my source of strength then and now and always. Psalm 143:8 - "Let me hear your kindness in the morning, for I hope in you; let me know the way in which I am to go, for to You I have lifted up my soul." I have leaned on G-d for everything and hoped in Him and trusted in Him when the entire world felt against me. He has always been my rock. His word and comfort guided me through my darkest hours and to where I am today. Because I have talked to Him from the moment I wake, until the moment I fall asleep, learnig to pray and give thanks is a priority. I still trust you Hashem to guide me. Jeremiah 29:11 - "For I know the thoughts that I think about you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. I know that Hashem wants good things for me. So, when I feel down and cry out to G-d, I know he listens and hears. I know that he will work things out for me in the end. I will be okay. Though my plans may not be His plans and I get down, I am always trusting because He is guiding me. When anyone asks me how I am doing, I reply, "Fantastic!" because I have the King of the Universe directing my steps and working things out for my good. The closest that I have learned in Hebrew to this is "Nehedar" which means "magnificent!" Psalm 1: 1-6 "Blessed is the man that walketh not in the council of the ungodly, nor standeth in the way of sinners, nor sitteth in the seat of the scornful, but his delight is in the law of the Lord. And in his law doth he meditate day and night. And he shall be like a tree planted by the rivers of water, that bringeth forth his fruit in his season; his leaf also shall not wither, and whatsoever he doeth shall prosper. The ungodly are not so: but are like the chaff which the wind driveth away. Therefore the ungodly shall not stand in the judgement nor sinners in the congregation of the righteous. For the Lord knoweth the way of the righteous: but the way of the ungodly shall perish." This chapter is not quite translated correctly from Hebrew, and I know that. However, this is the first chapter that I memorized while attending RU and healing and growing closer to G-d. The correct words and the change of the verb tense does not change the meaning for me. I have tried every day to follow G-d and have everything I do and everything I say honor him. I have walked away from those that I know were bad influences and clung to those who aided my walk and worship of G-d. I have been careful with the council that I have accepted during my conversion. I know that by continuing to follow Hashem and follow his statutes and his laws, everything will be okay. I will be okay, always. There are so many more that have helped me become the person I am today and continue to guide me closer to my king and redeemer. Thank you Hashem. You have my yesterdays, you have my todays, and you have my tomorrows. I love you with all that I am and all that I have. |
| I had a great Shabbat with both successes and failures. I had a vegan hotdog for dinner. They are plant based and tasted very much like kale and something that I couldn't quite identify. They tasted okay, but at 3 am, I woke up with really bad heartburn. I took some pepto and sat up in bed for a little bit half asleep until I could lay down and get a couple more hours in. I don't think I will be buying those again. I will stick to a spinich salad for my vegetable dinners. I had no problem with the flow of events and rituals of Shabbat and had a lot of relaxation time reading and enjoying the fair. The laws of Shabbat say that a person can only go so far from his home (walking, no driving). The fair is practically in my backyard, so I walked to the fair today and enjoyed The Flying Cortes and the few shops that they had. I had steak tips for dinner with a slushie (blue raspberry), and enjoyed a stroll through the barns to see the animals. The horses even let me pet them this time! Most of the day was just relaxing and Torah study. It really was a good Shabbat. The bad thing I did (which makes me a horrible parent) is lock the front door and forget to unlock it before going to sleep. My daughter, A2, apparently knocked for a while, but I was snoozing and didn't hear a thing. The phone screen woke me when she called. I went downstairs to let her in and fell right back to sleep. I feel horrible, even though she understood since it was after midnight when she made it home from work. In her five minutes home the next morning we talked (rare occasion) and she was surprisingly pleasant. She kept the light turned on and consented to wait to do laundry until after Shabbat ended (a big win for me!). So other than being up for the worst mom of the year award, it was a great Shabbat! |
| Having run out of bread, eggs, and many other essentials, I had to figure out how to get a few groceries. Shabbat is tonight, and I cannot start Shabbat without some type of bread or rolls. So I figured that out and was able to pick up some eggs and rolls for dinner tonight. It is too late to attempt to make challah, but I will attempt that again next week. I was planning on making some soup for dinner tonight and just keeping it warm to eat tomorrow (no cooking on Shabbat is permitted). However, I could not find gnocchi in my tiny town, so plan B is some vegan hot dogs that I've been wanting to try for dinner tonight and I'll walk to the fair (visible from my patio) and buy dinner tomorrow. So no updates on amazing food tomorrow, but next week I do plan on making latkes (now that I have onion and egg), of course with my own twist. Look for that in next week's blog. Tisha B'Av ended last night, but there were some things that we could not do until this afternoon, like eat meat. I listened to music for the first time in 9 days and danced around my house while doing my chores (dishes, vacuuming, cleaning bathrooms, etc.). I started my playlist this morning, paused it while I went to go shopping, and continued it when I got back home. I have been listening to it all day and feel so much joy again. I have not listened to secular music in years, so after I decided to convert to Judaism, I have only been listening to music from artists recommended by my Rabbi and other Jewish friends. I can honestly say that I do not miss Christian music at all. I didn't only fall in love with the Hebrew language, but to hear songs with so much passion and love for the creator is addicting. I only want more. There is no way I would ever go back to Christianity, but there is no way I will ever want to listen to anything other than Jewish music. It is too fulfilling to the spirit to give up for anything secular. This is my YouTube playlist that I am continuing to add songs to https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLuYdgPcOeq_anPLwNpmxAqJGUWHhE0Cb7 My Hebrew is getting better. I can sound out words now. I am very slow at it, but I can sound them out, which is a step in the right direction. I can almost read through a paragraph of a prayer. The short sentences that repeat I can do no problem now, but not long prayers. I also struggle a bit with passages in the Torah. One verse or two at a time I can handle, but not more than that. Again, thanks to GZ and putting up with me about 4 hours a week for the past two months. Shabbat Shalom everyone! |
| Today we are on the eve of Tisha B'Av. The day that both temples in Jerusalem were destroyed and the day that the people of Israel were told that they would not enter the promised land for 40 years. A day of mourning. We are to fast for 25 hours which means no food or liquids. We cannot do any Torah study that is not about learning about loss or destruction. So with my bank card being compromised last week and waiting for the replacement in the mail, and no access to money, I'm struggling with one aspect of preparation today. I have neither eggs, nor bread. Having run out of eggs would normally be nothing, but today, eggs serve a purpose. Eggs are what mourners eat and since we are going into mourning (over the things listed above), we are supposed to eat bread and a boiled egg dipped in ash. Yes, ash. I remember reading about this months ago and now that I'm here, I was clueless that it was today that this was supposed to happen. Months ago I could only think how gross it sounded, but today I am sad and feel that I am missing out on an important experience of mourning. Although I could probably go find someone who will give me an egg and do the ritual lunch a bit late, I wonder if this happened for a reason. So instead of frantically finding an egg and some ash (because I don't have any of that either), I have to think how much I have grown spiritually over the past couple of months. I have to think how thankful I am to have this experience of missing out on - and understand and feel that I am missing out on - this Jewish ritual. I feel like today is my reminder that even though things get hard and I feel like a constant screw up (which I do), I still choose this. And since I still choose to become Jewish with all my struggles and disasters, Hashem is blessing that choice with this feeling of wanting to be observant and a promise that some day, I will be able to observe these rituals, traditions, and holidays the way they are meant to be observed, and when that day comes I will do them out of gratefulness and a real desire to honor and connect with Hashem. I will still start the fast at sundown and change the prayers to observe Tisha B'Av. And I will mourn for Israel. What does the temple's destruction mean to me or how does it affect me? Because it is destroyed, I am not able to bring a sacrifice before the lord in gratitude for my conversion.Whether you believe that I was born with a Jewish soul or that G-d answered my prayers to be closer to him and to be able to learn more about him and follow all his statutes and commanments, the fact remains that until the third temple is built, I will not be able to offer anything more than money and my gratitude. |
| I crave the time to learn more each day. I get exhausted from the amount of reading, the studying of Hebrew, the zoom classes on laws, theology, holy living, and wisdom, but I don't want to go to sleep. I want more. It's like a craving for chocolate cake your whole life and you finally taste your first crumb, then get a small bite, then a tiny piece. You want the whole cake and to be able to bake more! I have never felt more like myself than I do when I speak in Hebrew, when I learn a new pearl of wisdom, when I read something that makes complete sense logically and can apply it or have already been applying it without knowing, when I pray or say a brucha, or when I perform a ritual. It's like a piece of my soul has been dorment and crying out to be awoken and released, but I have held it captive by trying to fit in with what I knew from my childhood and what those around me did and believed. A part of me always knew what I should do and who I should become. I'm just wondering why I waited so long to start becoming whole. |
| Today we are in the midst of the 9 days of mourning that started on the 1st of Av. In two days, at sundown, we will start a 25 hour fast. The longest fast of the year. Most of the rules for the nine days are practical for someone in mourning: no doing joyous activities, no eating meat, no wearing freshly laundered clothes ( look at your clothes chair and tell me you don't have a week's worth of not dirty but not clean clothes), no certain grooming, etc. The only thing I am struggling with is no music. Never have I ever gone this long without music and I still have 3 more days to go. It's like pieces of my heart are being filled with a void and my joy has taken a back seat to emptiness. How I long for that joy again. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WdNS0Tmk-ig Later this week, my heart will sing again and I will dance around my kitchen cooking and cleaning and singing! I made challah for the first time Friday morning. I used a no kneed dough recipe and was not very impressed. I took it out of the fridge after letting it sit for 3 days (recipe says 2 to 3 days) and immediately knew it had been in there too long. The top was hard and the dough was tough. I know I can do much better. I braided the dough and backed it and used it for Shabbat dinner, but it was not very tasty. It was extra large size loaves and did not have the hallow thunk that it was supposed to have when it came out of the oven. My daughter A2 took 1 bite. That's it. Just 1 bite. She devoured my choldent, but just 1 bite of the challah. I will do much better this week. My bank card was compromised Friday morning, so I couldn't go to the store to buy anything. That meant the dinner that I was planning to make for Shabbat was not happening. I made a sad rendition of spaghetti with chicken because the only meat I had on hand was canned chicken. It was not tasty either. Other than the meal tasing like a disaster, it was probably the best Shabbat that I've had yet. I lit the candles, I welcomed in the shabbat, I said kiddush over my wine (grape juice because I don't drink alcohol), I at dinner, I read Torah, I slept in, and I felt amazing Saturday when I woke up. Saturday I ate my roast which had been cooking all night and was tender and falling apart, and the carrots were soft and the potatoes were full of the taste of the onion and the meat and the seasonings. It was a wonderful meal! I read a few chapters in a couple books and read Torah. I had joined a class on Isaiah with my Hebrew teacher GZ, so I was going through and translating some words and frustration started to overwhelm me. So I changed to Davarim (Deuteronomy) and again became frustrated. I should not be this impatient with my learning, but understanding the Tanach in Hebrew is one of the main reasons why I'm learning Hebrew in the first place. It's like I've been watching a movie series my entire life, and was able to glance at the book series (which we know is always better and in more depth than the movie) but now I have to just sit and watch the books sit on the shelf without the ability to pick them up and read them. It's pure torture. I know I need to be patient, but I'm too impatient to be patient. Thankfully, GZ answered my questions for me, because he's amazing like that, and I felt a bit better and had an amazing restful evening. So restful that I fell asleep before I could read the kiddush to end the shabbat so I will make that a priority this Saturday night. I woke up on the couch and went upstairs and thanked Hashem for all the wonderful people in my life and an extra thanks for GZ who took time out of his Shabbat to help me be at peace in my own, then slept. I know I need to be patient with all that I am learning and applying, but as you notice, patience is not my strong suit. I'm learning Hebrew, I'm learning to run a Jewish household. I'm learning new receipes. I'm learning new prayers. I'm learning new holidays and traditions. I'm doing all of this while still working and being a single parent. Even though all my children are now adults, parenting doesn't end. It only changes. There are things I have not been able to do yet that I am looking forward to doing. I still have not been to shul. The rabbi from Traverse City has not called me back. I have not moved to a Jewish community, which I will need to do eventually to finish my conversion. I have not been to a Jewish concert, which will happen eventually also. And I haven't been able to set up a kosher kitchen yet. The day I step out of the mikvah, it will be done. Here's to a new week of learning and growing in my walk with Hashem! |
| Conversation Hebrew (Unit 3) $40 250 + 40 = $290 This may seem like a lot of money (and it is!), but GZ is worth it. I couldn't do this without him. Thank you GZ for being patient, available for questions, and so good at your job! You're amazing! |
| Every sabbath I am learning more and adding to the sabbath rituals. This sabbath I learned about the kiddush cup and prayer. I have not done this yet (obviously) but am looking forward to doing it next sabbath. I don't (and probably won't for a while) have a kiddush cup, but I'm hoping to start to do things in the right order and include all the prayers, blessings, and rituals. I still don't know how to pe=repare without opening the fridge. I also had all the light on when I started sabbath, but my daughter A2 came home late and turned them all off. Even after I talked to her about how they needed to stay on because we do not kindle a flame on the sabbath, she kept turning them off. Even the cat (who knows how, but that's a whole other story) kept turning off lights. My daughter D and her husband came over and kept turning off the kitchen light. It was frustrating. I just wonder if I'm ever going to get it right. No, I know I will, because I know Hashem has brought me to this and will not give up on me. He knows that I am slow to catch on and screw up at first repeatedly, and that I am trying to teach my children as I am learning. I love where I have the candles placed. I don't use the kitchen table because I need a smaller one for the size of my apartment so I don't have them on the table. My candles are just small battery operated tea lights but they stay lit all Sabbath. When I look at them, I feel my connection to Hashem. I feel hope, encouragement, and restoration. And it's nice not to be able to screw something up! My daughter A1 left them lit when I was there and I know my other girls enjoyed them also. All of my girls have had a chance to experience part of the sabbath rituals. There is a magical presence that they have and I love that I can see them no matter where I am (almost) in my apartment. My youngest, A2, is still angry that I won't drive her t work on Saturday or pick her up from work Friday night. I know I can't force her to observe the sabbath with me (she is an adult), but her disrespectful behavior is quite disheartening. I do feel like I am starting to get the blessings (bruchas) and morning and night time prayers down. I still forget (or get too busy and its too late after) to do the after meals blessing every time. Not that I've never done it. I've never prayed after having a meal and it still feels a little backwards, even though I know it's not backwards. I still have to ask forgiveness for my forgetfulness way too often. My Hebrew is getting a lot better though. I can read most words and am conjugating verbs. I am able to read more prayers and am getting faster at reading them and sounding them out. It also is not taking so much brain power that it hurts either! I'm very happy about that. |
| Crash Course 1 - Alef Bet and Nikud $20 230 + 20 = $250 |
| I had to reschedule my Decoding the Hebrew Language class today because my Rabbi added a Halacha class taught by the older adorable Rabbi whose name I never remember but always has great and clear information. Tomorrow is the fast of Tammuz to mourn when the Romans broke through the walls of Jerusalem. It marks the beginning of the three week mourning period commemorating the destruction of the Holy Temple. The 1st and the 2nd temples were destroyed on the 9th of Av (July 27th this year). The fast of Tammuz is only a minor fast beginning at dawn and ending at nightfall. The 9 days leading up to that day (the 9th of Av) have many rules. No meat is permitted except for on Shabbos (the Sabbath - Friday at sundown until Saturday at sundown) is just one of the rules. It breaks my heart to read about the desecration of the temple, the large number of Jews killed and enslaved, and the temple being burned to the ground. I could ask why G-d would allow all this, but I know that G-d gives choices and free will. Having free will means we can both exercise our free will and are subject to another's act of free will. We cannot enjoy the joys of something without sometimes having to deal with the consequences of people misusing it. Thank you Hashem for bringing me to you and giving me the chance to choose you. I love you, Hashem, G-d of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, my G-d with all that I am. |
| The fourth of July weekend was crazy busy. I attended a 2 day family reunion. I am so blessed to have the wonderful family that I have. When there was any questions about my not mixing meat and dairy or not eating port, my uncle actually spoke up before I could even respond and I was able to avoid any family drama. I did not ruin the family reunion. I am so glad that I did attend it, because there were times I had to choose to keep kosher and choose to follow Jewish traditions even when it was not convenient. Being a Jew is a choice that I will have to make repeatedly for the rest of my life. I feel like every time I have to make the choice to be a Jew. I am choosing Hashem. Thank you Hashem for giving me the choice to choose you and the choice to be a Jew. Decoding the Hebrew Language $30 Total Spent Learning Hebrew $230 |
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