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Book turned Blog so I can "Blog On!" |
 A hodgepodge ofchaotic meanderings    from a confuzzled  Lady Bee Brain
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| April 9, 2002 I feel it is time to start a journal, diary, muse... with no perticular time or day that entries will be added, but when the need is inside of me to share my thoughts and feeling, or just jot them down for myself, to remind me of what I think I should remember, or even hope to forget. Today, it is raining, and I have a sick little boy home from school. At the moment the house is quiet, but I know, as most parents do, this is not a normal or lasting state for a home with active, growing children. In our home, I am a single parent. We live to far from my childrens father for him to be a daily, physical part of their lives. I moved us to the country life in December of 2001. After a year of separation, divorce and family counceling, I weighed our pros and cons of making a move from my birth/hometown, (which is also a growing military town, though I was never military), into the country. My kids seem to enjoy this move, for the most part, but also miss friends and family. Son calling me... saving so I don't loose this... back later... sigh... ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ April 10, 2002 Now that I have this set up the way is it made to be, it makes much more sence. Thanks Story.Com for doing all the work for me. Now if I can just follow dirrections the first time..... Anyway, I never got back to this yesterday. Kid(s), life and things kept me away. Like I have said, just another day in paradise. I wouldn't have it any other way... (well, one thing different would be that I was also with the one *I* love, but as far as raising my kids as best I can, that would not change). Dalton was feeling better before nightfall and boucing off the walls again, jabbering a mile a minute and asking upteen million questions so he went to school today. Sigh.... I have been reading/rating others creations and dreaming about how nice it would be to go to the convention, but telling myself, with four kids, that is not a good finacial move. It will be summertime, and the kids will be home, plus back to school clothes and supplies. It is a never ending list, and I am doing this on a small budget because I want to be home with my kids, be where they can find me. We only have them for a little part of our lives, then they grow, become their own persons and move on. I want to enjoy every moment that I can of the time they are with me. I will be alone soon enough, to find things for me to do, alone. Sigh.... still would be nice to be around adults once in a while, but I am mostly a hermit, so I survive. Now.... what do I fix for supper? |
| September 28, 2003 Well, as you can tell this is not some place that I come to often. That is from staying to busy or because I keep things trapped inside instead of writing them down. Maybe this is how my inner-self protects me from keeping a record of thoughts, feelings and experiences so I don't read them at a future time and wonder. I am nomally very analitical of things, picking them apart till I can put a ryhme or reason to them. This is not always possible. Some things have to go on feelings alone. People ask me for advice. Here I will tell you a little about a story of a couple and see if anyone has a view on what they think. ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ Two people met online. Over the months they became close. Sharing thoughts, feelings, hopes and dreams. Now it has been a strong relationship for two years but they have not met yet. The female shares more of herself then the male. She has told him names, dates, numbers.... as in address, her families names, phone number. She has also show him who she is, what she looks like, full view. The male has shared thoughts, feelings but not his address or phone number. She has seen his face, but he hardly ever "talks", just "types". Both have shared the love they feel. She wonders if he was hurt in the past and this causes him to keep a distance, distrust and in so doing keeps personal things to himself. Her love for him, keeps her from pressing for the information, feeling he will share when he is ready. As the years pass, she wonders if she if just being a fool and heading for a broken heart. She wonders how long she can deal with the distance, only hoping and dreaming of a future together. ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ I can't give her very clear answers to her questions. My only answer is that you, whoever you are, will have to follow your heart. If it is broken, then it is broken, but you will survive. Learn from each and every relationship, knowing in the future what you can and cannot deal with. I myself have been in a long-distance relationship for going on three years and I still do not have the answers. The only answer I can give myself is that my heart and love is loyal no matter how long the relationship last. |
| November 2004 I am going slowly crazy... that deep, dark hole taunts me with the peace I would find within, but scares me also. I am not a bad person so why am I feeling alone? I can not handle much more of this, I can't, it is making me sick... the voices get louder in my head while I am trapped in the silence. Do you realize, if I didn't have my children to take care of, it would be easy for me to disapear, no longer exsist? ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~
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| September 11, 2007 While checking out new features, since I've returned from absent-mindlessness, I set this Journal as a Blog. Testing it, to see if I like it.... but from the dates of previous entries, you can surely see I'm not much of a Blogger! At least you will know that I'm still alive after this entry.  ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ September 12, 2007 As I look over WDC Blog options and compare them to the Book options, I decided to Edit the previous enties. I will post them by Month/Year, saving a little space. This is done in the hope that I will return often, leaving new words for other's to read, learning more of who I am... what makes me tick. This evening is really warm, muggy which makes it hard to get comfortable and sleep. I live, with my mother, youngest brother (thirty-something), and kids in an old farm house. This house does not have AC of anykind. We do have some window fans, but sometimes it just isn't enough. Maybe it isn't really warm, but I'm having hot flashes. Along with the heat, I deal with untreated depression (mild to medium, depending on the day). Because of this depression, I scared my muse away. Well, that is what I try to convence myself, but I really know she is always with me. I'm the one ignoring her but she loves me anyway. In an attempt to treat myself, I've decided to really do something. This stagnate stage of my life is very tiresome. So, I've joined a new Group...
I hope to learn something new, and find my enjoyment in writing again. My muses' been sad for a long time. I'm the only one that can make a change. I miss being active with WDC but thankful that this home away from home is always here, waiting on me to return. "There's no place like home." ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ September 19, 2007 I can't sleep. I've laid there, trying to relax, making myself close my eyes, mind a jumble of thoughts, and my eyes keep popping open. It's dark, kids are sleeping, but not me. I came here, to see what was happening... caught up on a few things, read a bit in different portfolio's and now writing out my own thoughts, feelings. Maybe if I write them out, it will release my jumbled brain cell from it's torture and let my body get needed rest. I heard from a friend today, who's three year old grandaughter is ill. I send my thoughts and prayers, but still wish there was something I could do to help. It is difficult to find the right words to say to someone who is emotionaly sad, hurting, helpless... when a loved one is sick. This little girl's been through so much in her short life, but I do know, she is loved deeply and she's brightened her world. ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ September 24, 2007 Update on the previous entry... Faith, the sick, three year old grandaughter of a friend, isn't sick any more. At 7:10pm today, she left her earthly body. Her family was with her at the time and said she went peacefully, for which they are thankful. ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ September 28, 2007 My head is buzzin', my eyes are blurry, for I've read till I can read no more. Today, I reviewed over 30 items... well, sent reviews to that many, but I read more. I didn't review everything I read. My goal was 60. I didn't make it, but will sleep now and try to finish tomorrow. Right now, I am not even thinking... this BeeBrain is done for and going now to curl up in her honeycomb. ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ September 29, 2007 Again, my head is buzzin, but I did complete my goal. I didn't know that I would recieve so many emails with GP's for reviewing author's I never reviewed before. I think that I will give "The Writing.Com Gift System" a break since my goal was reached and my head is spinning. I think I will give myself a break tomorrow, and rest, be ready for class to start on Monday. I did have a great time visiting my classmate's portfolio's and look forward to visiting them again. If I do anything here tomorrow, it will be catching up on replies to the member's who reviewed something from my portfolio. I'm asleep now. |
| October 9, 2007 Waking up, drenched in sweat, shaking from a dream I know I had, but can't remember. Eyes tired, from lack of sleep, but not closing to let me sleep more. Crawling out of bed, bones cracking as I stumble to the bathroom to splash cool water on my tired, flushed face. Slowing making my way to the kitchen to get a cold drink, while trying to get my thoughts settled, if not in order. Moving to the livingroom, reaching out to click on my computer and sign into WDC. I am here, my thought are elsewhere, flitting around, out of control. Still not remembering what I dreamed, only feeling the feelings I felt on waking. Feelings of being called or chased, maybe both. Someone calling, as they chased me, but I don't know who. Maybe I didn't turn and look. Maybe I didn't hear. Maybe I knew who it was, and I was running from them, trying to block the call. I don't know. How can you sort out the meaning of a unremembered dream or is it only the feelings the dream left you with, the part to sort out? Am I not hearing or seeing someone who needs me? Am I running away from someone or something I don't want to face? I don't know. Still, my thoughts are jumbled, but a bit more in control, since I am able to write them down. My skin is no longer flushed from sweat, but my eyes are still tired from lack of sleep. Sleep, without dreams, so my body can rest and my mind can deal with confussing thoughts. Sleep. |
| May 2, 2019 As I check out each of the new portfolio features, I find myself in my Blog. This is a sad place, since no entry was adding in 2009. With this new entry, I will not be able to say the same about 2010, even if I don't return till the year 2011. *kicks self in the seat of her pants for such a disheartening and depressing thought* After I saved and viewed my new entry, I see it listed in the number two slot. This makes it "before" entries saved in 2008. I do not want it listed in this manner. I don't remember how I worked with "My Blog" to make it veiwable as I wish it to be. I don't know how to change the order of things. I am not staying about long enough to figure it out at this time. |
| April 25, 2008 Once again, months have passed without adding to my blog. My muse is still wandering around somewhere or forgot her way home. Earlier this month, on the first, April Fool's Day, an emergency descended on my family. My thirteen year old son loves to walk home from school. Early in the school year, he was banned from riding the bus for a time, because of excessive noise. He likes to sing and whistle, which the bus driver does not like. We spent this time walking to school in the morning, and I would met him after school to walk home. After a few days, he decided he was 'old enough' to walk by himself. We tried it, with me meeting him at the end of our street, where he crosses a five lane road. All went well, with him following pedestrian rules. When he was able to resume riding the school bus again, he decided he would ride in the morning, but walk home in the afternoon. This worked well, making it possible for him to sing and whistle all he wanted. Over the months, I stopped meeting him at the end of the street, but sometimes watched from the middle of the road in front of our house, waving at him in the distance. On April first, I was sitting on the porch in my rocking chair, reading, when the bus stopped to let my daughter off... my son's twin sister. I said "Hello" and she asked, "Is Dalton home?" I said, "No, but he sometimes waits with his friend till her mother picks her up, so he is a little late." She said, "Something is wrong, we have to go find him!" I said, "Let's look to see if we can see him walking home." We both went to the middle of the street and looked but didn't see him. She again said, something was wrong and we need to go find him, so I sent her for my purse and to let her grandmother know where we were going. I continued to watch to see if he came around the corner walking home. Nothing, no sign of him, so we got in the car, backed out of the driveway and stopped when my Mother came running from the house waving us back. I pulled back into the driveway and she said, "The hospital just called and Dalton is there!" My stomach sank and my heart squeezed. I told Selena she had to get out and wait. My 19 year old niece went with me to the hospital. When we arrived at the ER, I said who I was and without asking who I was there to see, they sent me back, nurse meeting us at the door. She had paper for me to fill out but said I could go see Dalton first. When we got to the room, he was gone, sent to x-ray. I said I could fill out the papers while we waited. I was getting insurance cards from my purse when a police officer walked in. We greeted each other, as I continued to answer the questions the nurse was asking. Another nurse came in, saying that Dalton would not stay still for the x-ray. I asked if I could go back with him and was told yes. I handed the first nurse my cards so she could get the information she needed and told the officer if he needed any of the information, he could get it from the nurse. He was gone when we returned. My niece told me he wanted to talk with me, but would catch up with me later. I found out that Dalton was hit by a pickup truck while crossing the five lane road. At the time I didn't know the details, but found out the next day when the officer called me at the hospital. The driver, a 21year of female, talking on the cell phone, didn't see him. The driver behind her, was the witness. She reported not only seeing Dalton crossing the road, and wondering why the driver wasn't slowing down, but also honking to get her attention. She also reported that she herself was going 35mph and the speed for that road is 45mph. Dalton was 'picked up' by the truck and 'fell off' when she braked. He was 102 feet from the crosswalk. The list of injuries decreased over the stay in the hospital after multiple x-rays and scans. When we left, the list of injuries were, broken collarbone, two fractured ribs, liver laceration and 10% deflated lung. Added to this is numerous scrapes. His legs we not injured. Currently, he is still sore, but healing. He was released to return to school two days ago. He is riding the bus to and from school. He is chomping at the bit to run and play like he wants, but knows he can't yet. Doctors orders, no sports or rough housing for six weeks, while the bones heal. This is also to give the liver time to heal, without new injuries. A lawyer is handling this case, although it could take months or years to settle. My insurance will pay the medical bills now, and be reimbursed later. I am happy Dalton is alive and healing. *Please, anyone who uses a cell phone, think before you talk while driving. No matter how safe a driver you are, there is always the chance that something could be missed while your distracted with a caller.* ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ |
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