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A modest journal. |
| My life's ups and downs... |
| Tuesday, March 29, 2011, 5:45pm Things are scattered, in disarray. This is why I hate moving so. When my house is disorganized, in disorder, I feel the instability; the unsureness disturbs my soul and I am disquieted. The disruption bothers me -- not the actual move once everything is packed. It is no adventure; it is an insurgency. |
| Tuesday, March 29, 2011, 12:54pm This morning has been mentally and emotionally challenging. I am not liking myself much these days. Picked up some boxes so as to start packing my things. I'm going to go through my books again and take the excess to the library. After that, I think I will sort through my clothes again and get rid of everything I haven't worn. If I am still full of energy, I'll then start packing the kitchen and move on from there. Luckily, I have done this twice within the last year; so, I won't have as much to move this time. |
| Tuesday, March 29, 2011, 7:50am When I was a child, I used to wish we would move as a family so I could become another "Kim." Somehow I wasn't pleased with myself way back when and thought if we moved I could somehow make it better. I moved to Daphne at the end of March 2010 to make things better; it wasn't. Now I am moving back to St. Pete to make things better. Though I pray, I am not sure where I am "supposed" to be. Strange when I think about it. I am doing the same things now I thought about as a child. I am a ship lost at sea with no "earthly" home/land in sight. I'd like to say Jesus is my compass, but He hasn't said a word on this one. I am suddenly reminded of His word... We are in the world but not of the world, just pilgrims passing through. I hope I learn my lessons well. ____________________ Hebrews 11:13-16, KJV Bible |
| Monday, March 28, 2011, 7:17pm It has been a good day. God's presence has been so tangible to me of late. He is so good to me. I pray I make Him proud in this new phase of my life. His grace is sufficient for me for when I am weak He is strong. |
| Monday, March 28, 2011, 10:41am I just got back from therapy. I've been going to the local board of mental health here since moving from St. Pete for the anxiety and depression issues... since I can't afford to see a psychiatrist. I say that taking the risk of sounding like a nut. I guess the nut would be the one who knows he or she has a problem but doesn't get help. So, there. =) Anyway she gave me the names of two books that I am going to see if I can locate and read: TOO PERFECT: WHEN BEING IN CONTROL GETS OUT OF CONTROL; and PRESENT PERFECT: A MINDFULNESS APPROACH TO LETTING GO OF PERFECTION AND THE NEED FOR CONTROL. A book I already own and have started re-reading recently is: THE LITTLE BOOK OF LETTING GO, by Hugh Prather... It's been really helpful this week. When Jorge returns from Mexico, my plan is to return to St. Petersburg and stay with him until I find work. He will come here and help me drive back with my stuff---including Goober! Rest assured, I am looking forward to the completion of that task! I've got the following balls in the air at present: * moving; * getting another job; * securing unemployment; * paying the IRS this year; * calling my lawyer with a few last minute details and paying him. When these balls fall into place, I will begin the next adventure! |
| Sunday, March 27, 2011, 10:55pm Tonight, "I Survived" on television focused on those who have died and come back. It seems the most important thing they learn through their experience is to love --- themselves and those around them. They come back because their life on earth has not yet been completely fulfilled --- others need them, others will need them, etc. Some decide to come back and some are turned away and must come back. Coming back seems hardest on the latter group. |
| Sunday, March 27, 2011, 1:45pm Got up a bit past dawn. Didn't make the run, but made it to the church on time. =) The scripture that's been on my heart -- yesterday and today -- is: The steps of a good man are ordered of the Lord: and he delights in his way. Psalm 37:23 The message this morning was on living by faith, walking in the Spirit, with scriptures references from 1 Corinthians, Chapter 2. Definitely on target for me. This is what I have been praying about. I am tired of doing things my way; it hasn't gotten me anywhere. I want to live by faith, be where God wants me to be and do what he wants me to do. I am tired of marking time, marching in place. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wyLjbMBpGDA |
| Sunday, March 27, 2011, 12:41am Yesterday and in to today, I have gone through a range of emotion and thought. I woke up wondering if I should ask for my job back... Then I realized I can't do that in good conscience, cannot work for someone I do not respect. That may sound narrow, but that's me... I can be narrow in some areas. All things work together for good to those who love God and are called according to his purpose. I've been praying, asking God what he would have me do... I want to fulfill His divine purpose for my life. I am no longer concerned with what I want, with what I have or what I may lose. I want what He wants for me; and I know without a doubt that is the only place on this earth where I will be truly happy. Tonight I watched a 2009 movie on TBN... don't even remember the name, but Treat Williams was in it. I want to start running again... On the surface, it looks impossible, unfathomable, but if I start slowly, I may be able to do it. In the morning, at the break of dawn, I aim to start. Since resigning, I am at peace. The burden has lifted. His yoke is easy and His burden is light. _____________________ Romans 8:28; Matthew 11:30 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yX_7j32zgNw |
| Saturday, March 26, 2011, 10:57am Contemplative, this morning -- feeling ashamed and embarrassed. I tend to react in anger, lash out when offended. It is certainly not working for me and has to stop. My own behavior is robbing me of peace. More later. |
| Friday, March 25, 2011, 11:33pm Today has been a bit of an emotional roller coaster. Not doing well and don't want to talk about it... too negative. |
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