A collection of thoughts and ideas
You have found my collection of ideas and thoughts.
Who knows there might even be an article or two hidden in here.
|Well, all in all today was a good one. Test came back saying my house is clear of this nuisance virus. My boss was cheering because she knows how much this is bugging me and that all our customers kept seeking their cheery cashier that know more than she shows. The other store managers I know are cheering because it eases their load and means I can jump straight into training new hires if we have any.
My son and I finally got out of the house after being locked in for 5 days waiting. Though i have to say he once he realised that it was us. He accepted that the game time was not just his but ours.
Just in time for school to start.
|Ever had one of those days it feels like no one wants you around?
That is the way my day got going. Though I would not be surprised to find out that it is because I decided to clean.
I do my best to keep ahead of the mess but the way I have been feeling lately makes it really hard to do anything. I just want to walk. Grant it that needing feeling to walk has truly gotten me out of depression before because o kept blood flowing and did not let things build up inside. But stuck inside well that has taken away that right.
|Well, my writing does not seam to want to come back as of yet. With that saying my son introduced me to ARK. It is an interesting servival game including dinosaurs and mythical beast. I do find it an interesting game to play if for nothing more than the survival aspect. Then you get to also tame creatures to accompany you. Some are easy if you have the right gear. Others take time and effort so you can to tame them.
The only issue I have is that there is no good guide to the game to start with. Having never played the game it took me about 2 hours to straighten out the game mechanics and figure out how to tame my first creature. But one I figured that out it all came together.
|Well, I went in to get tested for the virus today. Now I get to wait to see what the results are. I know it is for the best I get tested its just annoying because my work really does not have the man power to cover me being gone. Then again each day has been a challenge for the store because we are short handed. a little is do to people getting better jobs We lost a few thanks to they were not able to wear the mask. One or two we lost so that they could go home and care for elders of their villages. leaving us with just a few people for floor crew. Sadly that means the managers are now working the floor instead of guiding those working the floor. At one time the managers would just help get stuff done so the floor crew could work faster.
|I sit here thinking of what to write. I only find a blank screen meeting my mind. then again that is what we are looking for in life so that one day we might turn around and see the amazing mural our life has left behind. Sadly I keep turning around to see what I just came through and drop myself down because I just look at the last few depressing years I have been through.
Then again it might be that I am stressing simply because I have no way of spending time with my man. Thanks to being 300-miles apart. Them again I don't have transportation to travel that distance so it means this one sided on traveling. I feel the stress of it because I dream once more of being held just to wake and be alone.
|The last couple of days has been hard though I think the hardest part is that I keep dreaming and wanting to be With my man. Yet, we are over 300 miles apart. Normally I would fear scam but this time its different. Why do I say that? Well to start out with I already knew him. We just the first time had partners so we respected our own personal boundaries. Though that did not shut us down from being friend that talked at work. Grant it for the most part we kept it peaceful and pg. Though I can recall at least once I let him vent about things going on in the store to help ease through the day. I got to see him on the fourth of July and well it went from someone I knew and was talking with to knowing where we both stood in the matter of minutes as we both relaxed and answered our hearts. I'm not sure what to do. I know I have to keep working keep what I have so I can provide for my son but at the same time I dream of my man at my side us doing things. From working on rigs, gardening, wonder because we can. curled up together watching TV or movies. I feel the stress poking at me because I am unable to spend time with my man. Yes, I want to get to know him better. Then again I want to share who I am with him as well.
|7am if not use to it is too early to start working. I got most of a normal nights worth of sleep. Not counting my son who got a hunger attack about midnight. Woke me up for about 10 minutes shuffling around in the kitchen.
Though I can say when I got up at 5am he made me breakfast while I got ready for work. I might have issues with my kiddo not doing chores but major things he is good at listening about.
So, now I sit waiting to clock in. Well, really waiting to be let into the building because I am here before my manager. But that's what I get for riding the bus. Be here early or be here late your choice. So, I pick early. Most days I get a cup of coffee before clocking in. Though not today. Today as soon as I get my stuff off I clock in. The good thing is I know how to do the two opening chores I need to do. I just pray they are quick. Grant it that normally is not the case.
So what will today bring? That is the question I get to be first hand at seeing.
Yesterday was not bad. We did get our gm back and got several things done I was not planning on doing. That is always good. As for today I need to seal up a box get my cleaning done and stay steady for my customers that do enjoy seeing my cheery face on bad days. I got three in a discussion in front of me yesterday about that. Now to figure out how to get them to tell my company through surveys.
Well, this is sort of embarrassing but good as well. I found out I am an hour early and that McDonald's had a free coffee waiting for me. So, now I wait to clock in. Doing my best not to think of the list of things I need to do over this coming week though today I do get to redo the lighting display. Not a hard one as long as I have time to do so. This is after doing my chair cleanup and straightening of tills. I do have one box to build and one to close up for shipping.
|There are times I hate the way my mind works. Grant it this was self induced. I got myself all worked up that I was going to be able to go see my man just have a doctor pull the rug out from under my feet. Now, I can not really complain there because the one that was going to give me this opportunity was told "NO." by her doctors. So, I have to accept it, but still does not cancel out my frustration and inner voice saying I could have done more when there was nothing I could do.
The smallest thing can get me to thinking about him. In fact a discussion I had with the local bird this morning did. Started out being grumped at by a magpie. That in turn got squaked at by a seagull. Grant it the seagull has seen me walk the same path for months and knows I don't have goodies but I don't disturb anyone either. The magpie quited and the seagull started its clicks and coos of morning to me. A different bird chittered morning to me there again it is one that sees me daily.
|I really have no words for the way he makes me feel. though I can try.A bright sunny day seems gray and bleak compared to when I am with him.
A walk that normally would tucker me out to a just keep going mode was just a bounce in the wind.We sat down on a bench next to a lake and it wasn't long before we were cuddled up watching the clouds drift by as we relaxed enjoying the simple things around us. Time did not seem to have meaning it was just there. We were to visitors to somewhere else enjoying each other. chills ran up and down spines while refreshing touches smoothed away stress.
Time away feels like a lifetime I have been in such a dark spot that even this time a way is a refreshing change. I just pray it is real for I want to fly to show the stars what he sees.he has seen me stand my ground in the past. he has seen me gather up lost ones and return them to their families.. He is not afraid of what I know. I cannot stop thinking about him. customers will upset me and i take a breath just to find me thinking about being in his arms him baking me even if he dose not agree.
|This evening as I try to relax watching the others in my apartment complex come and go. I wonder what my future has in store for me. I worry my son will not have what it takes to do online school. I so want an other that is 300 miles away from me. The thing is I make just enough to live week to week. So, a trip any where is always a wind fall of luck. Grant it the last time I planned anything it slapped me in the face. Sadly that was an unfortunate situation because my neighbors doctor said that they could not sit for long times. So, a 600 plus mile drive was out of the question.
Now, I sit here rambling to the one I want to be with just to have him say it's ok. He dose not mind reading what i write. Grant it that just makes me want to be able to spend even more time with him.
I'm a simple gal. I don't need much. Grant it something my ex could never learn was that us just doing simple things like going for a walk would keep me around and happy simply because we were doing something together.
I pray this time i get just that. Someone that really wants to be with me. Someone that dose not think the bottle is better than his family.
Just looking over this mixture of emotions it's easy to see how lonely I'm feeling right now. I might have been separated from my ex for 4 plus years as of this month, but it feels like it's been a lot longer than that. I raised my son watching out for his father because if the mans drinking. I left because our last fight he struck me in the eye and it triggered me into full battle mode. I still am not sure how I managed to keep from hurting him but I did pin him till the cops came. My wonderful son so little then dialed the phone for me. When the cops came I had to have them help me unlock my hands from were I had the man pinned to the ground and his hands above his head on the ground. The cops asked why i had locked my hands and i said so i did not kill the one i had pinned. They took him out to the car and i know thought about coming back in to take me till they walked in to see me wrapped around my son making sure he was ok. That was the last day i was with that man as family. I did try to give him a chance to sober up and take his family back but he decided drinking was better.
Yes i am rambling but i am in one of those moods it is better to get it out than to store it up for another day. I could use a hug. I could peace in my life again. I could use to be happy once more. I pray that the one I am taking with now is willing to be there for me. I'm not asking to see eye to eye. I understand it is ok to see things differently or to even agree that their ways of seeing something is not mine.
I want to be held and know that at least once in awhile I am though of and there is a chance I bring a smile to them knowing that they are loved as well.
I know it looks like a lot but really it is not it's just respect.