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176
Review by Allyson Lindt Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Your dialogue flows well, and mingles with your descriptions to make this all very readable.

Suggestions for grammar/rewording:

Upon a first meeting with the man, any soul would find him intimidating at first glance, but they would be shaking in their boots by the end of his first sentence.
YOu've used 'first' three times here. Suggestion to pare a couple of instances down:
An initial glace was intimidating enough upon meeting the man, but by the end of his first sentence, one would be shaking in their boots.

He carried himself with the demeanor that everyone else around him were bougars he had just flicked away out of that sharp nose.
This was awkward to me. Suggestion:
His demeanor imliked that those around him were boogers that he had just pulled out of his sharp nose and flicked away.

Where she was quiet and calculating, he was loud and irrational.
Irriational is a more subjective word than the rest of these. I'd suggest replacing it with something like 'reactive', 'prone to act on instint', something like that.

"Hawk, as you wish to be called, you know very well that a woman is not fitted for this kind of work. Let Skye or Haru-"
Change fitted to fit

And the damned military would be able to do what they'd please.
Change they'd please to they pleased



I like that you describe Hawk's curls as blood colored. However, I think it can be limited to once a chapter. I'm seeing the phrase too frequently.

They were like those damnable ducks...sitting there preening before the hunter comes and the warm crimson liquid forms an ocean on the ground.
This is fantastic imagary. I like this sentence a lot.

Again you've ended the chapter with a great cliffhanger. One is left wondering who Patrick is, if Hawk is dead, and who Fate and Deliverance are - that one has me the most curious.
177
177
Review by Allyson Lindt Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
This starts out on a great note - you've got description, and emotion. And then you top it off with humor, your description of Vladmir makes me smile.

Captain Hawk's first speech to her new recruits is reminiscent of a drill sergeant, very effective. Suggestion though, if her crew is military trained, or anything like that, they would try and hide their fear at the rant and respond to "Do I make myself clear so far?" with a "Sir, yes Sir!" It would be a part of their previous training/brainwashing, and if they didn't, she would have a negative reaction to their innapropriate reaction. And I like her conclusion to this speech.

After reading the rest, the one suggestion I have is to do some more research into the way military training, personnel work. I recognize the importance of working some additional conflict into the story with poorly trained troops, but there would be some things that they would know unless they completely bombed bootcamp, and they probably wouldn't have been kept in the military for anything if that were the case. They would know how to stand at attention and in a straight line, although they definitely might take their time doing it just out of lack of respect.

Just a couple of rewording suggestions:
...an organization that served little to no purpose than foiling...
Add an 'other':
... an organization that served little to no purpose other than foiling...

He glared at the recruits as they once again failed to form an even have decent line.
Change have to half

Good job of working the characters' physical descriptions into the flow of the story. You're already laying out good characters. Their personalities are developing distinctly. You chose to end this chapter in a good place - with the general arriving - to make the reader want to keep reading.
178
178
Review by Allyson Lindt Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This is a fantastic concept. It's a good revisioning of a classic story. I found just a couple of grammar suggetstions:

'Once again without even the sight of someone to dance one.'
Change one to with, or add dance again after one

'Oh sure sometimes theres an evil stepmother'
Change theres to there's

'Oh sure I'm allowed to help around, you know I get to plan parties'
Change around to out

'although no the guy was hovering at my eye line so the first thing'
remove the no = athough the guy....

'It felt to incredibly wonderful that I looked up again.'
Change to to too or to so

Overall the whole piece flows well. The voice that you've chosen to narrate in is casual and easy to read. It shows that you've put a lot of thought into your character and know who she is and how she feels about the world around her. Your descriptions of how she'd gotten her name, how a princess gets married, the soccer mom analogy, I loved all of that.

I hope your planning to take this further, because you've got a great idea and the interlaced comedy makes it an enjoyable read.
179
179
Review of One: Brother  Open in new Window.
Review by Allyson Lindt Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
The opening dream sequence is very good. Its breif but descriptive and captivating and very much draws the reader in.

As ONE begins, you start off by describing Ragnas' observations of a young man in a read cloak, but then the next three paragraphs distract from the flow of the story and I had to backtrack by the time I reached the one where it picked up again, to make sure I remembered what was being said. The narrative contains good information, but I'd suggest moving it, breaking it up so that it is smattered throughout, or removing it. If its removed, you can imply it throughout the story instead of explaining it all up front.

You do the same thing when you describe Brother's past. If the story is meant to be continued, I would suggest weaving all of these details in as it goes along. If it will end here, some of this detail may not be needed to tell this part of the tale.

Suggested edits:
'Though he was young, there was little notable about his appearance.'
Add an else
'Though he was young, there was little else notable about his appearance.'

'bring about the fall of Ragnas's master.'
Remove the second s from Ragnas'

'The building itself was extremely utilitarian in'
Remove the word extremely

'That was what the Ward had told him, at any rate, and not for the first time, after watching the fighting earlier that night.'
This has a stuttering flow to it. Rearrange it a little to get rid of some of the comma's
'At any rate, and not for the first time, that was what the Ward had told him after watching the fighting earlier that night.

'That noise was soon followed by others, and there were heavy, deliberate footsteps in the silences that separated them.'
Change to
'That noise was soon followed by others; there were heavy, deliberate footsteps in the silences that separated them.'

'Drawing his arm back for what he was certain to be the inevitable advance, Brother instead found himself facing the same image of the man in the edge of the light, his expression still that of determination and anger.'
This sentance left me confused, I wasn't sure what you meant to say.

Brother sought the high ground, and he used his opportunity to leap upon the work table,
Change and he used to using

Arden Mernith was there, perched upside-down upon the ceiling like the venomous recluse he was, and he now had a great sense of irritation at the fact that he now was being forced
Remove one of the now's

'Then it opened its eyes, and they were great black things and filled with malice.'
Remove the second and
'...great black things filled with malice.'

''Please,' started Mernith irritably. 'Ghosts haunt, my friend, and as you can plainly see I am still very much among the living, which, I regret to say, is dissimilar to how you are about to be.'
Break into two sentences
''Please,' started Mernith irritably. 'Ghosts haunt, my friend, and as you can plainly see I am still very much among the living. Which, I regret to say, is dissimilar to how you are about to be.'

'had wisely taken advantage of the distraction to hack through a good deal of the sticking strands that bound him to the floor.'
Change sticking to sticky

'He tucked his arm hard against his side and began to cradled it with his undamaged arm.'
Change cradled to cradle

Overall, your sentance structure, paragraphs, and description all meld well together. It seems to be a well edited, well written piece that you have put a lot of time and thought into. It shows that you have a clear picture in your head of what you're writing about, especially your characters, both as they are now, and who they are outside of the written scenes. I hope there's more, I look forward to reading the rest.
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