the general aim of my review is to engage with this piece of writing. I look at the HOW of the WHAT to try to understand and appreciate it through its construction; acknowledging I am limited, by the author, through its structure to a field of meaningful possibilities ... and seeing the process (of criticism) as more important/significant than its final outcome or (my) position.
grammar & language
pointe - should be pointy
lustre - should be luster
nightbirds - should be night birds
the glory of moonlight’s lustre -
why not directly: the luster of moonlight
ruby pointe shoes - ballet shoes are not pointy, they are actually square toed
personally I find glory adds nothing, seem trite
moonlight’s lustre - would prefer a stronger image based on moonlight
Gladiolus / in full bloom ...
so they bloom, / the gladiolus. -
I don't like the repetition, would be better if the second time the gladiolus come up there was a development in the image. Or drop the last two lines (so they bloom, / the gladiolus.)
same issue with (Pearls, / they fall ... so they fall, / the pearls.) - repetition without development
song plucking her heartstrings - this is quite a stale image for me. Surely I more incisive way to point to / to suggest the dancer's pain. For example, you could link physical pain as a symbol for that former emotional pain
the poem is built on a parallelism between the gladiolus and the pearls, with the dancer: I would like more, not in the increase of size (more lines) then in intensity
images and image developments are on the whole too weak:
- ruby pointe shoes
- glory
- moonlight’s lustre
Is the dancer outside or inside? Could use the scene as a resource to powerfully extend the basic images
overall impact
I like the parallel structure of the two stanzas
I like the quite evocative mood that is created
I like the focal point of the poem - that one day
The difficulty in quite writing is that it must not only be quiet it also needs to be something else, something powerful or dramatic. Artistically, a little needs to be alot; not merely less.
Summary
1 - No one knew how the boats got there.... We had been on this island....
2 - ... eight... rowboats....
3 - ... most of us stranded differently.... I was knocked overboard.... Samantha was thrown from a plane over the Caribbean....
4 - We all voted and decided to get in the boats.......our only hope....
6 - ...the tide pulled us out to sea....
7 - ...the sky grew dark and a storm appeared on the horizon....... seven of the eight boats turned towards the sunset
8 - Our new path led us to another island with a large obelisk made of solid ebony marble.... At the base, a door marred the perfect surface of the monolith; above it, a sign: WELCOME ALL WHO MAY ENTER.
9 - I walked in and was enveloped by the light and knew that I was no longer stranded, that we were no longer stranded.
10 - I wondered if others would ever have the same journey as we had.
Story
The basic story is that some people are stranded on an island; had a need to leave the island and so got into 8 rowboats and the currents took them to another island. Four died on the journey. On reaching another island, they come upon a black marble obelisk (the large pillar in the sand). The travelers discover a door in the obelisk with a sign: WELCOME ALL WHO MAY ENTER. The narrator accepts the sign in its truthfulness and on entering the marble structure beholds a light and knows s/he is no longer stranded.
language & grammar
Some problems with language
1 - "...seven of the eight boats turned towards the sunset, leaving one boat...." -- the math 8-7 = 1 is the least interesting thing about this situation. It is enough to say "...seven of the eight boats turned towards the sunset...."
Some problems with logic of events
1 - "We all voted and decided to get in the boats" is contradicted by "The only one who disagreed was Samantha"
2 - "we all lined up in front of each boat" means that everyone stood in front of each boat which is impossible. Everyone lined up in front of the boats.
3 - "The boats... started floating farther and farther out to sea with each tide." is not connected to "...we all lined up in front of each boat..." as the boats are currently in motion going out to see so the people cannot be lining up in front of them. You cannot say "with each tide" as tide is not singular.
4 - "Suddenly, the tide pulled us out to sea" is a specific action that is contradicted by "The boats... started floating farther and farther out to sea with each tide." which is a nonspecific, continuous action.
5 - "We looked over and saw that the storm had grown to become a fiery explosion of smoke and bright orange and red columns of flame that reached into the sky...." -- I read this as combining the storm on the horizon with the fire of a 9 foot rowboat. And how is all this fire possible with so little material to burn (no oars, sail or motor)? Is it the storm that had grown to become a "fiery explosion" of was the rowboat in a "fiery explosion?"
6 - "obelisk made of solid ebony marble" is a monolith, the large pillar -- but if the obelisk is solid marble (a monolith, the large pillar) then it cannot have a door implies the structure contain a chamber.
Grammar
Saw no grammar problems.
Suggestions
1 - establishing the scene - why did these people come to be stranded on a Caribbean island
1.1 - is not there personal story of disaster shared/sharable even if only from the viewpoint of the narrator
1.2 - what is the dynamics of this "accidental" group
1.3 - how do they survive on a day-to-day basic
2 - establish the key event(s)
2.1 - why would they decide to go out onto the ocean with no oars, sail or motor
2.2 - what about water and food
2.3 - have they deeply considered their chances of failure and dying at sea versus the likelihood of success
2.3.1 - and what is their goal
3 - dramatic possibilities of the piece
3.1 - not just the event, action and scene, but just those details of the events, actions and scenes that can be used to reinforce the mood/atmostphere of the narrative moment and the narrative goal(s) are what you need to bring out
3.2 - every person in the story, actual or implied, but have a specific and interesting character
4 - the narrative voice
4.1 - is best when it is not the actual author
4.2 - it is limited to the narrative
4.3 - treat meaning like folliage; let it grow abundantly out of the narrative landscape ... because falling like mana from heaven is not different than being arbirary. Outside intervention does not throw light on, advance, internal resolution.
4.4 - Be accurate, be precise
5 - the narrative goal
5.1 - what is going to be the story's point
5.1.1 - is it surviving in the face death; is it acceptance of the displacement of being lost ...
6 - no plan is a executing a bad plan
6.1 - plan your story arc
6.1.1 - in a narrative let the people live their (not your) story
6.1.2 - explicitly aim small, but implicitly it is for the reader to be made to that s/he now stands before something magnificent ... all through the power of precise, evocative language
7 - have a welcome sign equal happiness and fulfillment in the face of life threatening danger is literally (I mean it imaginatively) beyond my imagination
This is much better; your lines are more specific. However, let me share a few more thoughts:
With a short poem like this, I feel it is critical that you focus in on something powerful to create the resonance and effect. You cannot approach with a wide-angle view: broad coverage creates a fuzzy and vague effect that will be the poem.
So I suggest that having sweet and graceful is too much. As you introduced sweet in the second line, concertize it in the third with an object that has the attributes of sweet / sensual / (if you want to include the attribute of graceful then the object will have to be a living thing, an animal for example)
You are not just writing a poem, but developing/exploring a poetic technique: therefore I suggest to develop this small poem to bind a large idea with a specific object (development of idea through attributes of the object selected) you do about a dozen or so of these pieces.
This piece has a great shape and a lot of potential... The key topic is about the mind and feelings. But you are not dramatically portraying these mental states and feelings. The language is far removed from the dramatic concern (e.g., Seething pain courses its way throughout my body) You are just telling me you are in pain.
What does it feel like when pain courses through your body, what is it like to be overwhelmed by pain: where is the desperate voice of that dramatic persona?
Here is an a quick example of what I see as "a journey deep into a forgotten place in my mind"
A single point on my jaw, pulses as bone scraping and shoving against more bone; and pain shouts through the harsh anguish of soft flesh.
I imagine good writing as vividly creating itself, as an experience, in the mind of the reader.
"is fine" is too weak .... why the exclamation at the end of line 1? Surely, this person is more than fine... The third line IMO seems to restating the point of line 1 but more weakly (just a cliche). 'Perfection' does nothing for me. I don't know where to go with it.
I find the 1st and 4th lines dramatic and specific .... the 2nd and 3rd lines is simply entirely different: generalizing and vague. Even the exclamation mark in line 3 falls flat for me.
So I suggest, line 2 and 3 stay with open up the relationship (the emotional power of the relationship) in a way that the lines stay sharp and specific. Try letting an image carry the freight.
I want to read of a love in your poem ... the reader naturally wants to want to it too.
All the best to you .....
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