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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/annipon
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27 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by Anni Pon
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is awesome. I love that it's bilingual and I like the concept behind it. It's true that you can't have light without darkness, or darkness without light. One suggestion I have is that maybe the first two lines could be edited slightly for the sake of the flow / meter.

"When night is dark and the moon has taken leave
And blankets of dark clouds hide the stars,"


I think the above might flow a little better. But that's a small thing, I still like this poem very much!
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Review by Anni Pon
Rated: E | (5.0)
I love this! Really well written, so creative and romantic. I especially love the detailed descriptions of the different dreams and I'm glad you included so many of them with such variety. I don't think it would be as effective or feel like they were wandering for 100 years if you'd only described one or two of the dreams and then moved on. And just when I was starting to think, "Hmm, it's kind of weird that all these dreams are so hazardous and aggressive..." You even explained that. And then you wrapped everything up with a nice and neat happy ending, as any fairy tale should have.

It's a cool kind of twist that you made the princess' natural state the opposite of being passive and asleep, describing how active and restless she was growing up, unable to sit still with the bees buzzing around in her. It's an interesting layer of complexity to add on top of the standard tale of Sleeping Beauty. I think my favorite character is actually Fox. He has the attitude and slyness and mystery I would expect from such an animal, and you can get a feel of that just from his dialogue. The dialogue is great, by the way, very natural and clever in places.

One suggestion, I think some places could benefit from a comma. For example, the line: "Fox asked me to choose so we went into the next one to pass by." I think could use a comma before "so". Maybe that's just a stylistic thing.

Also, I had to read this part again to realize it was the princess speaking: “It’s meant to be a prince that wakes me with a kiss.” I was a little confused at first. It might help to just put a tag on that line so we know who's speaking.

Besides that minor quibble, I really enjoyed this! Just the right level of detail in the background and imagery to really immerse the reader into this fairy tale. A nice escape from reality. Well done!
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Review of Courage  
Review by Anni Pon
Rated: E | (4.5)
I'm a fan of Lizzie and also a fan of this! It's kind of a twist on the idea of killing them with kindness. Even when bullies treat you poorly and say horrible things, you can make something positive from it and still show them the light (so to speak). I like that idea. Retaliating or bullying someone back never works to improve the situation, it'll only make things worse. What a nice tribute to a truly inspiring woman!
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Review of The End  
Review by Anni Pon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This is a very timely short story about the world ending. It sure feels familiar in the current year. I like that even though it's clearly meant to be fiction, nothing is really exaggerated to the point that it's unbelievable. It seems like this could be Global Warming destroying the planet but on a faster time scale, and a more universal cult called The Church which is sort of every cult and every religion combined into one.

I also think this is a pretty realistic response that humanity would have to learning that we have only days or weeks left until the world ends. In times of disaster, or loss, or existential threat, that's when people are most vulnerable to manipulation by cults. That's when people need the comfort of believing that they have some kind of control over their own fate (aka. to stop "hell from coming to earth" by human sacrifice). Which makes this not only entertaining to read, but also a glimpse into human nature. Well done!
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Review of Morgue  
Review by Anni Pon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I really like this concept and you've executed it very well! Wouldn't it be great if we could wake up corpses temporarily to identify them or figure out how they died or for one more chance to say goodbye? That's one thing you might want to at least address here. I think it's likely that as soon as he remembered who he was, he would also remember loved ones that he wants to see one last time. That could also give the main character a little background too. I kind of want to know more about who he was when he was alive. Parents, children, a spouse, etc. You could, of course, have the mortician say it's not allowed or that he's the only one who can communicate with the bodies or something, but I think it's likely that he'd at least want to.

In any case, this is well written and I enjoyed reading it! The main character seems to cry a lot, but who wouldn't at finding out you are dead and remembering your own murder? Maybe you could add a little more detail or a flashback about being kept chained up in the shack (kind of like a PTSD flashback). It would fit in pretty well right after the line "Then suddenly I remember". Also, I've never heard the name Evanth before. It's an interesting one.

I hope you're enjoying Writing.com so far! Keep writing!
I'll be checking out more of your stuff some time.

Anni


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review of My Writings  
Review by Anni Pon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, welcome to writing.com! I'm also back to writing this year after a break, so I can relate to this. I look forward to seeing what tales you have in store! I'm still fairly new as well, but feel free to ask if you have any questions or anything about the platform.
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Review by Anni Pon
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
This was a lot of fun! I didn't even know you could create word searches here on WdC. I like the theme too. Monkeys are awesome. A little scary in person, but still awesome! Is there actually a such thing as a Ninja monkey? Never heard of it! Now I need to look it up...
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Review by Anni Pon
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
This was a lot of fun! I didn't even know you could create word searches here on WdC. I like the theme too. Monkeys are awesome. A little scary in person, but still awesome!
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Review by Anni Pon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I'm going back to read the rest of this series and am really enjoying it! It's interesting that he starts this off by saying he's "nothing special" but then later on he says, "My mother and father knew I was special, but had no idea as to how special I really was." I like the concept of a half-angel, half-demon. This gives a lot more context after the first chapter I read (out of order).

I actually think the second and third chapters could be combined into a single chapter, especially considering how short the second chapter is. I also like that, besides the whole Angel and Demon thing, Simon seems like a fairly normal and almost boring teenager. It almost provides a nice contrast between his plain personality and the fact that he killed his father when he was 3 years old. Well done!
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Review of Why no Wimple?  
Review by Anni Pon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Definitely did not expect that ending! I like the humor in this, I think it's well written and entertaining. I could see Medieval children running around chanting that nursery rhyme. And the meter in the rhyme works well

I'm not sure it's entirely necessary to define all the rhyming words (besides "Wimple" since that's the main one of interest and also the one people are least likely to know the definition of). Especially since you can kind of get that in context from the nursery rhyme. It just kind of slows the story down a bit. I think the name of the demon should either be Wimple or Simon Simple!

Also, if a demon like that appeared in front of me, I'd probably have a lot more to say than “I - I - I don’t know what you mean". But that's just me. :P Anyway, nice work here!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review of Rain  
Review by Anni Pon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Another well written poem and lovely imagery! The flow of it actually does remind me a bit of a rain pattering against a window. The way you use line breaks is very smart. I do think there are some places where you end a line with a comma which doesn't necessarily need it.

For example: "So simple is the rain,
Cascades for days and lays,
In mud to seep in Earth,
And spring life."

I don't think you need the comma after "lays" here since it's the middle of a single phrase. I think it can be a little distracting to add extra punctuation where it's not really needed, unless it's being used to add extra pause. Each line break itself already acts as a natural pause, so I like to be stingy with the punctuation at the end of lines. Although, that may just be a matter of personal preference.

In any case, I enjoyed reading this. Welcome to Writing.com! I hope you're enjoying it so far. I'm fairly new too, but feel free to reach out if you need anything.
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Review by Anni Pon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Wow, this is really beautifully written. The imagery is very effective and gripping, and the flow is nice. I can just hear this performed as a spoken word poem. I like the repetition of the first line at the end, it's a good way to wrap things up and leave the poem feeling complete.

My favorite section is:
Oh, woe, let me dissolve,
I am already in reach.
A leech, you are, suckle on,
My woe is not your plight.
I taint water with my blood,
It is emeralds, embellished,
Skin embossed by that leaf


I imagine that this was very cathartic and therapeutic to write. You have a lot of talent, keep writing!

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Review of Endless  
Review by Anni Pon
Rated: E | (4.0)
First things first, I'm so sorry you've been through that. I can't imagine losing a sibling. This is a lovely tribute to them.

I like that it rhymes and it seems to flow well. I did notice that the rhyming scheme isn't necessarily consistent from stanza to stanza. Some of them have internal rhymes (which I always enjoy), some of them rhyme the first and third line, while most of them rhyme the second and the last line. It does work, but sometimes that can lead to the reader anticipating a certain rhyme at the end of the stanza and then not getting it. Especially for this particular style of poem, which is more structured than for example a free-verse or spoken word poem.

Just something to keep in mind! But I enjoyed this and I can feel the emotion behind it. Keep writing!
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Review of Limbo.....five  
Review by Anni Pon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
There's a lot of good description going on here, and a sense of romance which is very cute. I enjoyed the scrapbook bit about the baby picture. However, it does leave quite a few unanswered questions at the end. Why does he have to go to go the basement? And what's special about tomorrow? How and why did he kill his dad? Is he ever going to meet Evey again? What exactly is he?
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Review of One Poem  
Review by Anni Pon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This is quite interesting. I really like this part:
"I the Ego,
hereby puffed and cracked and
simultaneously, numb,
demand ancient answers, ever un-coming."

The repetition also works very well, considering that the main idea is writing the same poem repeatedly. It gives me a feeling of being stuck in a rut, not being able to break out or create something new. I like the ending too. Overall, a very well written piece. Keep it up!
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Review of Star of the Night  
Review by Anni Pon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Nice twist! I wasn't expecting that at all. This is a very enjoyable story to read. It flows easily and keeps the attention. The only suggestion I have is that there are little details in the main part of the story that contradict the twist, assuming I'm interpreting this correctly. The mother describes the same season 20 years ago, which is not a timespan that is compatible with moths. Maybe you could be more ambiguous about the time and say something like "when I was very young" or "several revolutions ago" (which could be interpreted as days or years). I think that would also help to drop tiny little hints without giving the ending away. Nice work here, keep writing!
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Review of Just a Walk  
Review by Anni Pon
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is really cute, especially the ending. I like the characters. I wouldn't trust Emily to not go outside either. Hector is a good friend indeed for offering to go with her instead of trying to ban her from the outdoors completely. But, man, 26 cats is a lot. I like cats, but that's too many.

The only real suggestion I have is to watch the punctuation, especially in the dialogue. For example: "Okay, but remember no going outside until I'm back okay?" I think that could use another comma or two in there to break it up a little. And maybe a little more description of the house would be nice.

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Review by Anni Pon
Rated: E | (4.0)
I like the idea behind this.

I see a few places where the feelings of the narrator are stated, but not really described. For example: "Watching people march with Nazi symbols and torches was disturbing." It would probably be more impactful to describe the scene with enough detail to get the -reader- to feel disturbed without having to explicitly say it. Because I think most people would be disturbed by those images. You can also describe the feeling of the narrator with things like "The images gave me a pit in my stomach", or some other physical reaction. I've found that's an effective way to show how a character is feeling and get the reader to feel the same.

In terms of the order of things, you say: One letter, in particular, was upsetting. Suddenly, a light bulb went off in my brain, I could try to do a followup with the victim's family." before you show what's in the letter. I'd wait to explain what the narrator plans to do until AFTER you show what's in the letter. Just because that's the natural order of things, you would read the letter and then get the idea to contact them for a follow-up.

The letter has some nice detail in it and I like the description of Ruby. I think there may be a word missing here: "The organization is to protecting white women and family from militant blacks, aggressive Jews and other criminals.". I also think it could be emphasized a little more in the beginning of the letter that she wants to set the record straight because the article doesn't tell the full story of what happened. Although it's a bit sad, I think the ending is fitting and wraps things up nicely. Overall, I enjoyed this.
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Review by Anni Pon
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
I really enjoyed this, and the end made me laugh. A clever twist. The detail and imagery you included really makes this scene come alive. Great use of dialogue, too, it feels very natural. I'm a fan and I'll be reading more!
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Review of Decision  
Review by Anni Pon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
The poor kittens!! I love the narration and the formatting of this. It really paints a picture of a moment in time and of the relationship between this son and his pa. And it's very well written. The repetition in the end is really effective. Well done!
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Review by Anni Pon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I love the idea of an anorexic vampire who hates the sight and taste of blood, and this is well written! Poor impatient Reginald. There's a lesson to be learned here along with a bit of humor. Well done! I'll be reading more.
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Review by Anni Pon
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hi, you asked for a review so I'll focus on chapter one here. I like the exposition and the detail in the setting. I'm actually originally from the bay area, so I know the area and I've taken BART to and from Millbrae. Although, last time I took Caltrain I don't remember using CLIPPER so that must be a newer thing. The dialogue is also pretty good. I like that Joan is a bit anxious / uncomfortable at first until she realizes she can speak freely around Marc's coworkers. That's a nice contradiction for a character who is so open about sex and polyamory to still be uncomfortable around professionals she doesn't know very well.
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Review of His Brand New Car  
Review by Anni Pon
Rated: E | (3.5)
The repetition here is pretty effective, especially since it's mostly kept to the important points of the story. I.e. It works well when it comes to how brand new and perfect the car is, and each time it's referenced is with respect to another part of the car. It gives the feeling of his anger building without having to explicitly say that. But maybe we don't need both characters using the word "smart" to describe each other.

I find the main character pretty interesting. I think that Rudy's accent and phrasing may be a little on the extreme side. Not many people naturally speak in so many cliches like that. I'd leave in some character to the voice, but maybe just tone it down a little. For example, you could probably take out the "in a quick New York minute" line. But all in all, a promising start to the story!
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