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Review by Anni Pon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
A powerful message in a well written form. Well done! The line breaks are well placed to set the meter and it flows quite well. A great example of free-form poetry done right. Some folks may argue that punctuation is needed, but I think a poem like this stands on it's own and the flow is directed by the line breaks instead of punctuation. So I don't think it needs it, and in fact might be distracting.

I hope the gun ghosts do haunt the halls congress until something is done.


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Review of Ultimatum  
Review by Anni Pon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Thank you for your entry to the One-Line Lyric challenge! I love the direction you took the prompt in, with this story about hoarding disorder. You incorporated the prompt line so seamlessly I had to search for it to make sure it actually was included. Well done! The specific details, like "Pioneer Woman dishes" and the toybox, really paint a picture. The characters each have a clear personality and motive / goal in their interaction.

The dialogue is pretty good, although I think the big paragraph of Tim's rant near the beginning could be broken up into smaller chunks. Perhaps with some character movements or little setting details related to what the characters are doing (ie. stepping over newspaper, hand gestures, picking up or crumpling trash, etc) to break the dialogue up a little more. I also saw one typo: "Perios!" instead of "Period!"

I especially loved the ending. It really brings home the reality of hoarding, how hard it is to change a mindset such as this. As with almost any addiction or compulsion, it often takes hitting rock bottom to actually make a meaningful change. It's very rare that people can do it left to their own devices, even with an ultimatum like this one. It's too overwhelming to even know where or how to start, even if they can admit that there's a problem.

Thanks again for the story and entering my little challenge!

Reviewed in association with the "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 


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Review of L'aura del Campo  
Review by Anni Pon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Thank you for entering my little challenge! I always look forward to reading your free-verse poetry, and this is no exception. I like how much detail and structure you included, all the people, places and foods give the reader the feel of each unique place. I also appreciate that each stanza is a different location and the poem takes you on a journey. The repetition of the bittersweet line works very well, and each time it has a slightly different context and meaning to the phrase "bittersweet". The use of rhymes is minimal but effective where you did chose to include them (home/alone).

Overall, a unique spin on the prompt and yet another well-written free-verse poem. I hope that you eventually got your hug and are no longer home alone!

Review sponsored in part by the "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 


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Review by Anni Pon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Thank you for your entry to "The One-Line Lyric Challenge" . I really like the theme you chose for this poem, how you twisted the prompt to be about unfit parents who do irreparable damage to their children. A very important topic, indeed. I also appreciate that it seems like this was written specifically for the prompt, instead of adapting something already written to the prompt after.

I think my favorite stanza is:
Those crooks disguised as parents
Steal a lot more than gold
They steal the life of another person
And of many more untold.

I like the ending stanza, too. Really brings the main point home.

There are a few lines that feel a little awkward that could use a bit of rephrasing. Like, "They quite near to reject it" and "But for this brat to be babysat". Although, I do like the internal rhyme of "brat" and "babysat".

The first two stanzas especially could flow a little better, in terms of meter. I would read through out loud and pay close attention to emphasis / rhythm as you go. One example: "I shouldn't exist!" might flow better here as "I should not exist!". Just removing or adding a syllable can make a big difference in the flow. Play around with different phrasings and see which feel more natural to speak.

Overall, well done poem with an important message. I sometimes wish there was a parental license you had to get before having or adopting children. Some people should not be parents, at all.

Great work incorporating the prompt!

Reviewed in association with the "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 


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5
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Review of Lin and Rosie  
Review by Anni Pon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Thank you for entering the One-Line Lyric Challenge! This is a cute little story. I like the characters and the relationship between them. I appreciate that you went with a modern long-distance online friendship and turned it a bit romantic. On one side, at least. It's left up to the reader's imagination what Rosie might be feeling about Lin, all we know is the one sided perspective. Will Lin ever tell Rosie her true feelings? We don't know, but we are left hoping that she will.

I get the impression that this relationship is rather one-sided, given the gifts and attention and adoration Lin is giving and not getting much back from Rosie. And given Rosie's tirade in the current story. I almost don't want Lin to confess anything, because I'm afraid it would not go over the way she would want...

I did notice in the dialogue, you often placed the punctuation outside of the quotation marks. Technically, it should be contained within the quotes. For example, "“Oh my gosh, you’re kidding!". I also think there are places where the dialogue could be made a little bit more natural. For example, "Hi, Lin. I am so pissed off at you I could spit nickels." Generally, people aren't as likely to say "hi" or a normal greeting if they're really pissed off. I also try and avoid characters specifically saying what they're feeling, as it's more "telling" and less "showing".

Of course, take that with a grain of salt. Sometimes people do actually say they when they're pissed off, but more often than not it's already very clear from the tone and language and doesn't need to be said. But there are always exceptions, especially in very close / intimate relationships people are more open and explicit about what they're feeling. So just something to think about.

I like your use of the prompt at the very end. It seems very fitting in two ways. She's on a silent sea because she just hung up on Rosie and doesn't have to deal with her tirade anymore. But also, she's on a silent sea because she's at a standstill in her relationship and isn't willing to take the next step for fear it might end the relationship. So for now, she's stuck in limbo on her silent sea, not knowing the answer and not able to move forward.

So, well done on the challenge! Keep writing!

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Review of Once for Thee  
Review by Anni Pon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Thank you for entering my challenge "The One-Line Lyric Challenge"  with this lovely poem. The emotion can be felt in each line here. I appreciate the unique imagery as well. I love "the clouds do boil" and "Timeless scroll soaked in brine". Even though there's an ocean theme, I like the line "baked sun, my lips to broil" because it gives off a feeling of being stranded at sea without water or shelter from the sun.

I think the rhyming here is done well. The only thing that stuck out to me is there's two lines don't rhyme, while the rest of the poem does:

You utter a curse Line and verse,
On Silent Sea, the waves do roll.

Probably best to keep consistent with the rhyming scheme. The rest of the rhymes I think work fairly well. I also noticed that the word "do" is used quite frequently, so it might be good to add a little more variety in phrasing.

Overall, good job incorporating the prompt. Well done completing the challenge! I know you didn't do it for the GPs but I will be sending along a merit badge, as promised.

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Review by Anni Pon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Thanks again for another entry to the One-Line Lyric challenge with this short little poem! You've managed to incorporate the prompt well, and I like the overall feeling of the poem. I especially like the ending line, "It's a room that's full of nothing but I have to add a little something to it." It fits well with the theme of the song that the prompt came from, which is not a requirement for this challenge but that's OK.

I do think it might be a little TOO similar to the song, many of the lines in the beginning are really just paraphrasing other lyrics in the song. I really encourage you next time to branch out more and write something a little more different than the original inspiration song.

Also, I'd be a little careful with tenses and pronouns here. You start the poem with "you" but then the rest of the poem is first person with "I". I would stick to one or the other, unless there's a reason you need to refer to the reader here. I tend to avoid first person in poetry, unless it's actually a character or another perspective saying "I" and not actually "me". I just feel it's a little too personal when poetry is already such a personal thing. I mean, most people do write poetry about themselves but it's a little less direct if you avoid saying "I" and write the poem as if it's about a third person instead. Poems don't have to be literal or real, and are often better when they aren't.

Just some general suggestions, but well done! Thanks again for entering.
You should receive a merit badge shortly.

Reviewed in association with "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 


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Review of Sign  
Review by Anni Pon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello there,
Your friend tracker recommended that I check out your port so here I am.

I enjoyed this poem! Nice use of analogy and metaphor throughout. The pace is good, the message is clear. Although, I think it's a little funny that you consider the loyal ones to be "dogs" when usually when people refer to men as "dogs", it's not because of loyalty and it's not a good thing. Just a thought I had after reading this. But I also consider myself a dog person, even though I have a cat (who thinks she's a dog).

I didn't notice any mistakes, grammar issues, so well done! The only thing I did notice is that while you use punctuation, it is a little bit inconsistent. For example, the first couple of lines don't really have punctuation, but then the rest mostly do. I would pick one or the other, and either use full punctuation throughout or leave it out. And for a poem like this, I think it does work better with punctuation. Just my opinion. People have differing views about punctuation in poetry.

Just a small suggestion, I don't think you need a line like "It’s true." as it doesn't really add anything to the poem or contribute to the overall metaphor. Including the line, unless it's for the flow, can kind of bog a poem down. Just something to look out for. If a line doesn't have a clear purpose, you can consider taking it out and it will usually make a poem stronger and more direct.

Good job on your first few poems uploaded to Writing.com!
Keep it up, I hope to see more from you.

Anni

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Review of Burger and Fries  
Review by Anni Pon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello! You suggested I check out this story and I finally had a little time to take a look. What a kind gesture. I'm sure you made that boy's week with your actions, and he'll probably remember that for a while. I hope his circumstances turned around after this. I kind of wish there was a follow up, but I understand that you probably don't know what happened to him after you left. It was a very brief crossing of paths.

Either way, I don't really have any edits or suggestions, I didn't notice anything that took away from the story. Thanks for sharing.

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Review by Anni Pon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Thank you so much for entering the One-Line Lyric Challenge! What a cute little story. I like the twist at the end, definitely was not expecting Billy to say that. Ellie's reaction was very believable. You gave both characters a good amount of personality in such a short space, which is not easy to do. Dialogue feels natural and I think there's just the right amount of it for the length of the story. You managed to incorporate the given prompt well into the story too, which I always appreciate.

My main suggestion is that "It was as if the words released a dam." is a tiny bit of a cliche saying, so you might want to consider finding another way to say a similar thing. Besides that, I didn't notice any grammatical mistakes or anything to correct. Overall, this is a well done short story that's romantic, but in a humorous way.

Congrats on successfully completing the challenge!

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Review of Morning Love  
Review by Anni Pon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Thank you for entering the One-Line Lyric challenge with this short but sweet story. A glimpse into a moment in the daily lives of a couple, with a humorous twist at the end that I didn't expect. In fact, I think the ending is my favorite part. I like the characters and I think the dialogue feels fairly natural. I do wish there were a few more details about the characters or unique characteristics. Although this is a pretty realistic depiction of the monotony of daily life, it is a little general and almost could be ANY couple, if you know what I mean. Some inside jokes or quirks or maybe even just more specific details about the characters might help it feel a little more unique and thus more real.

Were they planning to go somewhere that day (like work?) which the flat tire has ruined? What kind of car is it? Are they struggling financially and this is going to break the bank, or are they well off enough that this is just a minor inconvenience? Maybe some of these questions could be answered by adding in specific details throughout to show their class level, hints of their history as a couple, what their plans were for the day, what they do for work, etc.

Just some ideas! But overall, a nice story and good use of the prompt. Thanks for entering my little challenge!

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Review by Anni Pon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Thank you for entering my challenge! I found this little poem entertaining. I can relate; I also had the song stuck in my head for several days, which is why I chose it this month. I wouldn't be surprised if I started hearing it in my sleep as well.

I'm afraid I don't really see where "My soul I'll not bear" fits in as the title or the last line of the poem. Maybe I'm missing something, I'm just not sure how it relates to the rest of the poem. There probably was an intended meaning there that I'm just not picking up.

I think my favorite stanza out of them would be the third one-- there's a nice sense of humor and the rhymes work well. Although, removing the word "finally" might improve the flow a little bit, and you repeat the same word in the next stanza anyway. There's a few other lines where the flow could be improved, like I think "leaving me alone here" is too many syllables for that line, might work better as just "leaving me here". I'd play around with a few different phrasings until you find one that feels like it fits and flows well when said out loud.

Some rhymes here feel a little bit forced, like the words were chosen only for the rhyme and not for their meaning or importance to the poem (For example, "gong", or even "give me a break" feels a little forced to me. They seem like lines you wouldn't have used except to make the rhyme work). Rhyming poetry is a tricky thing to do and even harder to make it feel natural. Perhaps loosening some of the rhymes a bit will give you more flexibility so you'll have more options and they won't feel as forced.

Just a couple of things to think about, hopefully at least some of that is useful for you. Thanks again for entering the One-Line Lyric Challenge! This is only the second poetry entry I've gotten, so I was very excited to see it!

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for entry "Poetry" 
Review by Anni Pon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This is a lovely and well written poem. Such vivid imagery really brings the images to life in the reader's mind. I love the concept of the paper being thirsty for ink. There is something very meta about writing a poem about the physical process of writing pen on paper that I quite enjoy. Especially since I'm reading it on a screen, and not on pen and paper. I like to imagine this was actually written out with pen on paper at one point. Well done!

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Review by Anni Pon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Thank you for submitting another entry to "The One-Line Lyric Challenge" !
You've incorporated the prompt well here, and this story fits with the song in the prompt.

Grammatically, the only line I noticed was:
I said, "Believe this with all my heart", "Let the river take them all away."

You should either combine the sentences into a single dialogue tag or put the dialogue tag in the middle instead of separating them with a comma.

Example: "Believe this with all my heart," I said. "Let the river take them all away."

Also, it's not exactly clear who the narrator is speaking to here. Themselves? In their head? If it is just in their head and not said aloud, dialogue tags may not be necessary.

I do wish that you included a little more about what worries are weighing heavily on the narrator's shoulders. It's harder for the reader to empathize and feel the feelings of the narrator when they don't know what the worries are. What past wounds need to be sent down the river? It just feels a bit generalized, and I think more specific details and examples would really help draw the reader in. A lot of people feel this way at one point or another, so it is a very relatable topic.

Thank you again for your submission!

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Review by Anni Pon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Thank you for your entry to "The One-Line Lyric Challenge" ! Yours happens to be the first poem that's been submitted, so congrats! And you managed to incorporate the original prompt, too. Overall, this is a sweet poem. I love the idea of a beautiful wedding on the beach and the dolphins returning to watch. Sounds very romantic.

I think that there could be a lot more imagery and less direct statements, especially for a poem. It's really effective to use imagery and metaphors to describe things instead of saying them directly, as you might in prose. Poetry is a bit different than a story. You do have some imagery in the first line with "my blurry eyes were caught up in a dream", and the dolphins are a nice touch. But the other lines are, I think, a bit too much explanation and exposition. For example, instead of saying "the sunset was perfect for a super romantic wedding", you could describe the sunset itself and include imagery and words or themes that relate to a wedding (a ring, white dress, wedding bells, bouquet, etc). That gives a romantic feeling without having to actually SAY that the setting was romantic. And also makes it clear that the setting is a wedding without having to explicitly say that either.

But overall, this is a nice take on the prompt! I do think there could be more of a connection to Jamaica throughout. Just some ideas and suggestions that you can take or leave. Congrats on successfully completing the challenge!

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Review of New Orleans Shack  
Review by Anni Pon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
I like the concept behind this and the imagery of the lonesome and abandoned houseboat after a hurricane. I especially like how the last stanza is a reverse of the first stanza. That kind of repetition, with just a slight change, works well. Adds interest and really hits home each line of the first stanza again. I do think this line needs a comma to help a little with the flow and the meaning:

In the Louisiana bayou, still tied to a tree
an old houseboat moves as the currents sway,

I think a few of the rhymes feel a little bit forced, particularly "call and beck". The phrase is "beck and call", and switching it makes it feel like it was forced to fit the rhyming scheme. Rhyming in poetry should feel natural and almost invisible, if done right. So you might want to find an alternative there. I also suggest paying attention to the meter / flow of the stanzas, as it feels a little awkward in some places.

Overall, this is a solid poem with a lot of promise! Keep writing!

Reviewed in association with "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"   by Maryann - House Martell


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Review of The Supremes  
Review by Anni Pon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Ken,

This is a clever and very timely piece! I like the music theme, and the fact that you called out each Justice out by name. It starts strong with the first stanza and keeps the attention from there. And then ends strong as well, with the call for impeachment.

My favorite stanza is probably:
“No need changing with the times,
we know what’s wrong and right.
The law is clear - there are no crimes
if you are male... and white.”

There are just a few places where I think maybe the meter / flow could be a little bit smoother. For example, Thomas' stanza. I think something about where the emphasis falls in the "his wife is a Trump pawn" line doesn't flow as well with the rest of the stanza, at least when I read through it.

But overall I enjoyed this piece! Obviously, I agree with the message and it's always nice to see someone else put your own thoughts down into words (probably better than you could yourself). Keep up the good work!
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Review of A Dip in Darkness  
Review by Anni Pon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
I really like this story and the concept!

There's a great sense of horror and mystery throughout, I enjoy how the group works together and tries to methodically test this unknown void. The ending leaves things very open, as nothing about where the void came from, where the 7 people went, or how everything returned back to normal, is answered in the end. They are just expected to go back to their lives like all of this never even happened. I just imagine them having to explain to police and friends / family that this void came and swallowed up the missing 7 people.

There are some places where there's a bit of "telling" what is happening, where I think "showing" might be even more effective. And there are a few sentences like this one: "He believes this is a joke, it must be" and a lot of "He thinks...". It would be more effective if you stated things like that directly as, "This must be a joke", etc, and leave the "He believes" and "He thinks" out. They aren't really necessary and kind of take the reader out of the story.

Overall, nicely done! This left me wondering and wanting to know more.

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Review of Pretty  
Review by Anni Pon
Rated: E | (5.0)
I love this. A perfect snapshot of a pretty, shallow, self-absorbed bully. I love the nod to the whole "Too slow!" high five game the cool kids used to play. It's really very well written.

My favorite stanza is:
"Modest is the queen
The skin is the pawn
Insecure is the rook
Now the bishop is gone"

There's something about it that stuck with me. I'll definitely be reading more of your stuff! Keep writing, you've got talent!
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Review of Daylight Saving  
Review by Anni Pon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This is a well-written poem with beautiful imagery throughout! An accurate snapshot of a moment in time during a very dark year, 2021. It captures the feeling perfectly without really including any specific details. Although I actually love Autumn and don't normally associate it with death and decay, maybe after reading this I will from now on.

I like that it starts out with lots of naturalistic autumn descriptions, then moves on to death and decay in current world events, then zooms out to the scale of stars and eons. Even the stars themselves are disappointed in the state of the world in 2021. And it's all well connected.

My favorite lines:
Daylight saving is ending
But nobody was saved.
The stars in the night sky
Are all beside themselves.

Perfect ending as well. Great work, I really enjoyed reading this. Keep writing!

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Review of Hanakotoba  
Review by Anni Pon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I just came across this and I love it. I realize it was written quite a while ago, but I wanted to review it anyway.

This is such a very well written piece! It has a lot of structure without rhyming. And that was a smart decision, as I think rhyming would take away some of the impact by making this feel a bit more childish or cheesy. I love how you worked in different types of flowers in appropriate ways throughout, the cohesive theme is very effective. The Primrose section caught me by surprise. My favorite stanza:

It takes me a month to find the primrose,
my S.O.S. of too many flowers in bloom.
One grows in me, a seed sown
only to be ripped out,
for no one should know.

It's a very clever and beautiful metaphor for an abortion, a topic that is sensitive and difficult to approach. However, you've done a great job with it. Just the right amount of finesse without being so subtle that it's hard to tell what it means. And you managed to address the gravity of the situation as well, by including more detailed descriptions of the process in the next two stanzas. That really drives it home and makes it feel more real. The ending is perfect for the piece! I'm glad she realized that relationship had to end. Overall, very well done. I will be reading more of your work now. Thanks for sharing!

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Review by Anni Pon
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is an engaging and entertaining story and I like the concept behind it! The beginning works well, starting out slow with what seems like a normal camping trip before the main character starts noticing that the stars were disappearing. I thought that scene was very effective. I also like that the alien being Hatu tries his greeting in every language before he finds that they speak English. That's a nice touch.

I will say that it leaves the reader wanting a little more background or explanation about some things. To me, this kind of feels like a prelude or beginning to a longer story. Who are the Guides of Sebraxis? Is Hatu one of them or is he another species? How did Hatu know exactly where to find them? What was the Hollow and how did it get to Earth? Are there more of them or were they all destroyed? If so, is the threat against the Architect gone now or is there something else out there? Where exactly are they going? What will she be training for, a battle of some kind? I think leaving some things open ended is ok, but there does seem to be a lot of unanswered questions here.

But it does make me want to read more, so good work! Keep it up!
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Review by Anni Pon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Aww, what a sweet story. An event like that would definitely put things in perspective about how pointless and stupid a fight with a loved one might be. I like that it's based off of a Bruce Springsteen song too. I'm a fan of Springsteen.

The only real comment I have is about the 911 dispatcher. As far as I know, the dispatchers main job is to keep the caller calm and also to keep them on the line until the police or ambulance actually arrives. So I don't think they would actually hang up the phone at that point. It's a pretty minor thing, but I think the phone call would be a little more realistic with those two things in mind.

But besides that, I like this story! It has a nice moral too. I think the ending might be a tiny bit confusing with so many angels referenced. Was she the angel? Or did an angel lead her to help the man? Or was the man the angel, for guiding her to this realization about her life? It might actually be stronger if you just stick to one of those points (maybe two, but all three seems like just a little too many angels for one story). Good work here!
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Review by Anni Pon
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Wow, such stunning imagery! I really love this. And I like the idea of visual art directly inspiring word art. Imagery is one of my weak points in poetry so I'm always impressed when people can do it so well and so effortlessly.

The only comment I have is on this line:
"a snowman sees
us through short-lived endeavors,"

I get that rhyming is probably the reason for the line break where it is, but I feel like that line just doesn't flow as well as the rest of the poem for some reason. I think because it's a strong end rhyme that's not in a natural break in the sentence structure. But honestly, because there isn't a strict rhyming scheme here, I don't think you need to end the line on "see" to rhyme with "breeze". You could leave it as more of an internal rhyme and that might help the flow and add a bit more complexity. Maybe try moving "us" to the line before, or some other configurations for that line, and see how that changes the flow.

Great work, will be reading more!
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Review of An autumn walk  
Review by Anni Pon
Rated: E | (4.5)
You've left me so many nice reviews I thought I should return the favor!

This is a lovely poem full of lots of good description. Autumn is my favorite season so I already like the subject. I especially like the beginning:
"Beneath the mellow tree boughs, I wade through
Fallen leaves. They crunch, crisp, like paper bags."

And I think the line break right before "fallen" works really well with the meaning of the word, seems like you thought that out. I also like the alliteration used in the first line of the second stanza, that's a nice touch.

My other favorite line is:
"From the valley floor mist rises, ghostly.
Breathes cobwebs to glittering necklaces."

I can just picture spiderwebs with dew drops shining on them. Well done, keep writing!
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