Nice portrait of love from your point of view. I liked what you were doing, but it read like a first draft, marred by a few typos and errors.
"I didn't care. I love him." Stay in past tense; you switched tenses without apparent reason. That was just one example of several. Write the whole piece in present or past tense; it will sound better.
"But my friend Marie always tells me that there is somebody out there for me than him." Something is missing in this sentence.
"Frakly" Typo.
"riht" Typo.
Good, strong closing sentence.
My recommendation is to write something without worry about typos, spelling, grammar, etc. just to get the ideas from your head onto paper, then put it away for a day or so, at least a few hours. Then go back over it with your "Grammar, usage and spelling hat" on. It seems as if you gave us that first draft. Lots of good ideas with some mechanical problems.
This is a happy poem and the subject of smiling is too little written about. On the other hand, the poem seems to be an excellent first draft. The rhyme scheme seems to be a bit "sing-song" in nature and forced in a couple instances. It also appears to be inconsistent.
The best stanza of the entire poem is the next to the last stanza, and it doesn't even rhyme, which is fine.
This was a decent first draft that definitely should be cleaned up and updated. Great ideas and the "stream of consciousness" was most interesting. Still, it could be tightened to change it from a decent first draft to a most enlightening, explorative experimental piece.
Depressing. Lost Hope. Loneliness Forever. Those are the main emotions I get from the poem. The feelings were more powerful than the words, however. It is written as if in response to a personal truth, yet, it just does not transcend into that universal arena where we all can commit to it's truths. And the truths are there, I just had to dig to feel them; such truths in poetry should virtually slap the mind of the reader. The emotions were there, the power behind them were missing.
A little work, however, will defintiely lift the poem into that realm of universality. Then it will be a powerful and wonderful poem.
No, not whiney. I liked this poem; it was short and direct. The emotion wqas clearly stated and the lesson was blunt. I was able to feel the pain and the loss in reading your poem. It should be, by the way, required reading for all who fall in love for all the wrong reasons, or who confuse falling in lust with falling in love.
Keep up the good writing. I really liked this and the way you put it together.
A simple poem conveying complex ideas. I like the simplicity and the directness. I also liked the way this poet linked the words, such as the word "beat."
The first stanza was the best; although okay, the others seemed more forced. I think this can be worked out easily enough without losing the original meaning.
This piece was a pleasure to read. It was written by an author who knows how to use words, and how to write good dialog. From the first line my interest was captured; I found myself caring about the characters and wanting to know what happens next.
In this piece, the reader will find a combination of good story-telling and a first-hand view of history, an excellent combination.
The only thing I would recommend is that the author separate the paragraphs at the beginning of the piece the way she did at the end of the piece. A minor thing, but to do so would add to consistency and to ease of reading.
I look forward to reading upcoming chapters and recommed this piece to all others.
Good opening; sets the scene,and the mood, well. This tis a chapter of a book I would enjoy reading. This draft, although good, had a few mechanical errors that need to be found and fixed. I listed just a few below.
This writer has a good way with words and I feel an excellent chance to complete a fine book that will be enjoyed by many readers.
Add punctuation: . . . her food, despite her careful wrapping, were water ridden.
"Worst, she guessed . . ." Worst should be "Worse."
Punctuation: "lush, forested mountain side."
Add a comma and a hyphen: ". . .yellow, gold-domed roof on top of the spire."
Need a verb after "it" int the following: :tower; the rest of it blocked off by the muddy path."
Comma needed: after "first time" "Not for the first time she wondered why she was sent here."
Not a sentence: "Why she had to relinquish the splendors of her apprenticeship to come in this backwater complex?"
Not a sentence: "To finally reach the Spire, a place she had never heard of before she started this journey."
Not a sentence: "All this travel simply because her mentor had told her to do it."
Secondclause needs a verb: "She smiled; a pupil such as Trivina Dul’Fur.
Please find and fix those things. I know,believe me, I know, that such is the drudgery of writing, not really a creative aspect, but it has to be done. Once the great ideas are out of the mind and on paper, the author must then begin the dreary work of making sure the mechanics work.
Well, a poet who does use punctuation; my first today. There are a couple commas I would have made into semi-colons, but, on the whole this is a fine example of how punctuation can help a reader understand the poem.
The subject of this poem is one that interests many, if not most, of us. We all want to be helthy and the "right" weight. This poet did a good job of showing that sometimes it is helpful to seek spiritual guidance and assistance. The poet also expressed a mixtue of emotions rather well, including peace, serenity, depression, dissatisfaction, and hope.
This is a poem that is definitely to be read by any who have attempted to lose weight.
This poll is a virtual stroll down memory lane. I had a difficult decision to make in taking it, but Rikki Tikki Tavi won out.
This was an okay poll, not an important question, but who says polls have to be on important questions? This poll was fun, and it brought back memories. That made it a good poll.
Got a "topsy turvy" feeling reading this. It is always difficult to read material that lacks punctuation or some other sign of sentence structure. Poetry does contain sentences, and, unless there is ample creative reason to forego such, punctuation should be used.
The message itself, once I got past the figuring out of structure, would easily morph into a good poem, and I think that a re-write will do that, with, of course, puntuation.
The ending is actually chilling, and I hope you continue to write such material and to work on perfecting mechanics so more people can enjoy the store of material you obviously have to share with us readers.
I liked this; it could almost be a hymn. I felt this to be a first draft and so offer you a few recommendations as well as a few things I did notice and give to you for possible correction:
Typo: havn't
Stanza 3, third line, leave out the word "but"
Same stanza line four, leave out the word "so"
Stanza 4, how about using, "and brush away each tear"
Stanza 5, how about for the last line, "after so many a year"
Also, some of your commas should have been semi-colons.
Overall, I liked this and think you should continue on the religious poems.
Excellent question with results a bit surprising, but gratifying.
Just to point out a couple things in terms of mechanics of writing:
"I belive in . . ." shout read, "I believe in . . ."
the Wrod "Bible" is always capitalized. Some say since it is a holy book, but rules of grammar say it should be capitalized because it is the title of a specific book, making it a proper noun.
Funny. As a teacher myself, I appreciate this humor and hope my students do not read it. I do look forward to reading the other poems on this topic as promised by the author.
This is a fairly good poem for a light-hearted subject; were it more serious, I would have been more bothered about the changing scansion and the sometimes forced rhymes, some of which were weak. But, I do think the subject manner and the humor outweigh such things in this particular poem and I thooroughly enjoyed reading it.
Very good poem with a few mechanical flaws. First, the good stuff: This poem appears to be written by someone who is or has experienced such feelings, and it rings true. This is of vital importance in writing anything, but especially poetry. The author acomplished this.
At the end of line four, I would use a comma instead of a period to avoid the sentence fragment that is now there.
Line five needs an apostrophe in "shes" to read "she's"
In the last line, I would chance "became" to "becomes" to preserve the overall tense of verbs in the piece.
Interesting thought and concepts. I did enjoy the poem and it made me think.
I do, however, wish you had done a few things differently. First, this would have worked better, I think, with a different form, perhaps longer lines. There were definitely a few commas that got into the way of reading it, adding awkward pauses. I would get rid of some of the commas, not all, just some.
In one line you wrote "theres," which needs an apostrophe. The following lines, the ones you opened with, I think, made the entire poem worth reading:
"Tell me,
if there is a heaven,
why then,
must we live on earth?"
I would have re-formed it thus:
Tell me,if there is a heaven,
why then must we live on earth?
First, why did you only use one comma, the sole representative of punctuation, in your most lovely poem? The title, "Scent of Soul," grabbed me, inviting me to read your words, and the words took me into the depths of your feelings.
The words also comforted me, and I hope they did the same for you as you wrote them, but, please go back and punctuate!
Most interesting and thought-provoking. I wish some of the poets I've been reviewing would read your thoughts on punctuation!
Seriously, I would have added at least one more comma to your essay, but, on balance, would have left another out.
Punctuation is, as you deftly pointed out, important, but only as the writer places it. Misplaced or omitted punctuation changes meaning. Punctuation allows us to control meaning more precisely than mere words.
Now, my only real critical remark about this essay of yours is that I would have divided what you wrote into at least two, possibly three paragraphs!
Thanks for the light-hearted comments on punctuation. I enjoyed reading it.
I would turn "loved me, he lied" into two sentences, both to rid the piece of a comma splice and to make the writing more powerful, more succinct. This should be continued in the following sentences that show similar structural characteristics.
This is part of a question: "I said, hoping with" so I would use the word "asked" instaid of the word, "said."
Recheck your placement and use of commas througout. Just one example: "Now angry Izomu . . ." Comma should follow the word, "angry."
In the line, “Well now that your 15, maybe . . ." the word "your" should read "you're."
The word, "was," in " . . . as if I was swearing . . ." should read, "were." Also, I don't think "court-of-law" should have hyphens.
The above are samples of the many mechanical problems that mar an otherwise decent story. This author is a good story teller, but needs to bone up on the basics, the mechanics of writing. This may be done in an English class, if you are still a student; a writing group, if you are fortunate enough to join one; or by just getting out a good grammar handbook to review what you may have learned when you were in school. Again, the story was good, but you need to work diligently at the mechanics; that is one of the differences between an amateur writer and a professional writer, an attention to all the details of writing, those details that are creative and those details that are not creative, i.e., the mechanics.
Good work that needs some fixes. I enjoyed reading this poem.
Out weigh should be one word, outweigh
The entire piece needs a bit more punctuation; that would make it flow more smoothly. Punctuation can easily be used by the author to control the reader's rhythm and, thus, the reader's understanding of a poem.
The comma after the word, "ache" should be a semicoln. The three lines after that point scan a bit awkwardly.
"Your mine" should read, "You're mine."
Comma after "Around me" should be a semicoln. After "you're there" there should also be a semicoln.
Question mark needed after "taking you away"
This poem mostly needs a bit of restructure of the lines and added punctuation.
The author of this poem is certainly creative, and, it seems, is experimenting. This particular poem, read rapidly, as instructed by the author, seemed little more than a string of unrelated words. It actually made more sense and had more feeling if I read it normally, and I am firmly convinced that this particular poem would be most powerful if standard poetic conventions and punctuation were to be used.
Again, and I have written this about poetry before, it must be liked and understood by thye reader, at some level, than just being understood by the author and those to whom he explains the trick. If reading instructions must be given prior to reading a poem, then it is probably in need of work. It's kind of like having to explain the punch line of a joke. If you have to do that, it is not a joke.
Keep experimenting, Nat; expect criticism; expect to hit "paydirt" every once in a while for your experimental efforts. It was not to be this time. sorry.
This is a really good poll; the choices are well defined, as is the question leading up to the choices. It was also, in my opinion, a difficult poll, since I had to evaluate myself. I probably rated myself one level higher than I should have, but, one must have faith in one's own abilities, eh?
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