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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/ashira
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5 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by Ashira
Rated: E | (1.5)
Writing on historical events is tough. I commend you for taking on the article/essay. I have listed out the suggestions and grammar errors.

I think that you have the words there to inspire someone to go read even further on the Battle if they are already interested in the history. However, I think with a bit of work you could also have a piece that could grab the non-history fanatics to read.

Numerous changes (occurred) in the year 1066. Some of the most dramatic and historically impacting changes happened in Britain or more specifically England.
(First sentence is not a grabbing sentence - would suggest reversing the two or making into one. Dramatic and historically impacting changes occurred in 1066 in Britain and more specifically England. (thinks those two are reversed)

Edward the Confessor was the king and everything was prosperous. (missing details - why was it prosperous ? What made it appear that way historically?)

Alas, it became apparent that Edward was ill as he was constantly coughing and ran out of energy rapidly with the simplest of tasks. (the details of what is apparent I would state first. Constantly coughing and running out of energy rapidly even with the simplest of task, it was apparent that Edward was ill.)

After the death of Edward. (fragment)
Harold set a shield wall to repel the powerful Norman horsemen.
day but close to sunset the shield wall began
and fired in an arch forcing the
. The last survivors
. Only days later William was crowned as King of England and thus ended the days of Anglo-Saxon England and usured in the Anglo-Norman Era. Not a complete sentence.

It is the same throughout the article/essay. I stopped going through line by line with suggestions, as I don’t like to rewrite others work. We work to hard to have someone else have the fun of polishing it. I would personally would take another look at this piece and re work some of the sentences. I would make the first paragraph into 2 possibly 3 paragraphs for ease in reading. I did however list out the grammatical errors as written and the spelling errors.

Ashira
2
2
Review by Ashira
Rated: E | (4.5)
Britney,

I told you that you could do it. I am so proud of you. The difference between the first version and second is beyond the measure of words. I am truly glad that you tried again. I knew it was in you.

Ok now lets make it polished. Take the piece and see where you may have typos. Look for Capitalization errors. Try and figure out where the paragraphs should be separated.

You did the hard part (and the fun part of writing). Now for the boring part, grammar and more grammar. I am not going to go through line by line and point out where they are, because as before you have the ability to do that for yourself. You just proved that to yourself.

Did I already tell you how proud of you I am. Grins.

Way to go!!!

Ashira
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