*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
Creative fun in
the palm of your hand.
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/astraldoll
Review Requests: ON
23 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by Violet
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
The power in this piece made me quite emotional. I think the use of imagery combined with the bold reality of things (such as explicitly naming the charges) was beautifully done. It was jarring in the right way.


"I had to bare witness
splay myself open before strangers
feel their eyes searching
reveal my naked emotion."

That part in particular stood out to me. I think people often overlook the impact of a victim testifying in front of a jury, judge, and room full of strangers. It is personal. It can feel violating all over again.

I truly loved this and it left me with a lump in my throat.

- Violet
2
2
Review of Infatuation  
Review by Violet
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
The simplicity and boldness of this piece was really intriguing to me. The only thing that held me back from giving 5 stars was that something about the rhyme scheme felt off; sometimes things rhymed and sometimes they didn't which disrupted the flow a little bit. Still a great, short piece. Keep it up!

- Violet
3
3
Review by Violet
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
I really loved this piece, it was chilling and well written. My only criticism would be in the first paragraph. You wrote "Ray Montgomery, a social worker, had two more children for Mrs. Klondine-Twins." I would probably put a space between the hyphen (or make it a semi colon) and the word "twins", and not capitalize the T. Otherwise, I didn't notice anything that I would recommend editing.

Great work,

Violet

4
4
Review by Violet
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Wow, this was powerful. I got a very haunting vibe from this piece and it hurt to read. Very well expressed. I did notice a couple of spelling/grammatical errors:
         "She barely spoke, but in the rare occasions that she did" I would change that to "on"
         "Her blue eyes overflowed with utmost intelligence;" I might say, "with the utmost intelligence" or just "with intelligence"

Very impactful.

- Violet
5
5
Review of It is Finished  
Review by Violet
Rated: E | (4.0)
Short, but powerful piece. You truly expressed the extent and impact of Jesus' love with one simple line; "Even during His death, He thought of you."

I like poems that are styled in a way that isn't typical, so I appreciated the format. My only criticism would be at the part when you wrote
thorns upon His head laughed
at Him and then they said...

I would personally put a comma or some punctuation between the words "head" and "laughed" so that it flows a bit more smoothly. Overall this piece was impactful and resonated with me. Great work.

-Violet
6
6
Review of No And No  
Review by Violet
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Fivesixer,

I have to admit I was completely transfixed right from the beginning. Your descriptions are vivid yet abstract and can represent a lot of different things. I think it's easy for a reader to see themselves in this.

"Like a joke not worth explaining
to people who don't understand laughter,
I can't help myself from myself."

I can't explain to you how hard that hit. What a perfect ending. It's like a punch to the gut because of how relatable it is, and almost comical because what can a person in this situation really do? This was a great piece.

Violet
7
7
Review of Anger Understood  
Review by Violet
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello,

I want to start off by thanking you for writing about a topic like this. Oftentimes people shy away from the ugly reality of how societies treat people yet wonder why they snap.

"They don’t ask for explanations, or care at all about your offence or if you have been rehabilitated." was a particularly powerful line for me. How can a system that claims to care about rehabilitation turn around and never address it again?

People judge easily. They judge unconsciously. Maybe this will inspire people to rethink those judgements.

Violet
8
8
Review by Violet
Rated: E | (4.5)
This was a really powerful piece. I could feel that your heart really went into this, and it's sad that these issues are still such a big problem in the world.

This part in particular stood out to me:

"How do you return a severed tusk to the elephant?
Fur to the poor lynched lynx cat?
Skinned skins to the python?
Or ripped feathers to the peacock? "

It is so poignant and sad. Really good work with this.

-Violet
9
9
Review of WITCH DOCTOR  
Review by Violet
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
I quite enjoyed this! Short sentences, right to the point.
"Beware that vodoo magic and witchcraft
That so survive on the gullible and the daft."
was the part that stood out to me. Powerful.
10
10
Review of Serpent lies...  
Review by Violet
Rated: E | (4.0)
I really enjoyed this piece. I do like the fact that it wasn't broken into stanzas, albeit the fact that it made it a tad bit harder to read.

I suggest that this line: "For the right to awake with the light", you change awake to awaken. Not a necessary change, but something I think might benefit the sentence.

Expanding on this piece in the future might be a good idea if that's something you're interested in. It's a fascinating topic and I'd love to read more of it!

Violet
11
11
Review of He Carries You  
Review by Violet
Rated: E | (5.0)
Absolutely beautiful and full of emotion. I'm so sorry to hear that this is not a fictional piece, and I can't imagine the pain of a mother losing a child- but this poem conveyed those feelings very well.
12
12
Review of Food For Thought  
Review by Violet
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
I actually found this quite informative! I liked the style of broken up lines even if it was a bit jarring at times, and I didn't find any technical errors. I haven't come across many pieces like this so far, so I appreciate your creativity in contributing to these topics.

Overall this was very interesting to read, and that last line was absolutely food for thought. Perfect way to end things.

Violet
13
13
Review of The Business Man  
Review by Violet
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
What a cliffhanger ending! I'm so curious to find out more details, this was really interesting. I like how you built up the action and you really communicated the urgency and fear of the main character.

I did notice some grammar issues, but they didn't detract from the overall impact of the story. I would suggest that in the phrase "Every second is precious and every step leading me closer to Henley and farther from him" you add the word both after me (Every second is precious, and every step leading me both closer to Henley and farther from him).
14
14
Review of Insert title here  
Review by Violet
Rated: E | (4.5)
I adore this poem. It almost reads as a tongue twister with such similar words grouped together which made it really enjoyable. I found the structure of the poem to be perfect for the theme.

My only suggestion is that the line "You will awake with your eyes" be changed to awaken. It seems like it might flow a little better. Just a suggestion though!

Violet
15
15
Review of Life  
Review by Violet
Rated: E | (4.0)
This was such an uplifting piece, I loved it. Short but sweet as they say. I did notice one small typo in the line "I don't plan to stop before death takes it's hold. " It's should be its.

This was a really enjoyable read, and honestly it's refreshing to see some positivity.
15 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 1 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/astraldoll