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21 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review by LJ Barr
Rated: E | (4.5)
I'm glad you're proud of who you are; that's a good beginning. However, living inside one's self is not healthy. Doing it all on your own is admirable, but that great strength may also be your weakest link. I reach out to everyone; I reach out to everyone, and at times that is also weakness because friends fake friends can hurt more than they help. That being said. I admire your single-minded focus on doing it, having it done right.
I realize we were supposed to give a non-biased, constructive critique.
but I had to speak. You set your presentation well; good grammar made it easy reading, and begged for a reply. Keep up the good reoly.
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Review of BUTTERFLY  
Review by LJ Barr
Rated: E | (5.0)
Very pretty poem, with a great message. I enjoyed the read.
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Review of Overtime  
Review by LJ Barr
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
You have some grammatical problems, but it's a good hook.
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Review by LJ Barr
Rated: E | (5.0)
Are you American? I ask only because I as far as I know, the soldier gets a Twenty-one gun salute, not a thirteen-gun salute. Other than that, I enjoyed the read. Thank you, and keep on writing.
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Review by LJ Barr
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
To whom is the princess talking The use of speech tags and a bit of character development--not backstory, but a description of the princess, and the person to whom she was talking in the first sentence. Your story would be enhanced by combining short paragraphs on the same topic into one paragraph.

Example: "What an odd mirror... I don't ever recall having one like it anywhere in the castle," Princess Zelda said, told Impa(To whom is she talking.)as she stared curiously at the opulent mirror sitting in the corner of her room. It had been a few days since Link and her had sealed away the malicious Calamity Ganon. Immediately after the conflict, Link had escorted her to Kakariko Village, where Impa caught her up on all the changes that had occurred throughout Hyrule during her Hundred Year Struggle. After a few days of recovery and catching up, Zelda had insisted they return to the ruins of Hyrule Castle... Her home. (One paragraph.)
A little tweaking will make a big difference, believe me. My edit changes something every day.
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Review of Wire Walker  
Review by LJ Barr
Rated: E | (5.0)
Well-written store are always a pleasant reading experience. This little story keeps your reader interested, as well as, writing and ending scenario. Is there more? I hope so. Keep writing.
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Review of Toe in the Water  
for entry "Memories
Review by LJ Barr
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Ha Ha, funny. I enjoyed the read. A good memory indeed. It's hard to find memories like this today. Love hurts. I'm older too, and my memories aren't that good. I took the journey twice and while each trip ended on a positive note, I would repeat neither journey. Twice is enough.
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Review by LJ Barr
Rated: E | (4.0)
I enjoyed your little tale, but since David is the name of the Hummingbird, you need to use the name often. And remember, everything pertaining to David in the field is part of a paragraph, it needs to be written as such.
Example: David didn't tarry too long on any one flower because he didn't want to monopolize that flower. He wanted to be fair.
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Review of A Haunted House  
Review by LJ Barr
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
You have told a good story. However, it needs major tweaking.
For instance, you said Ann-Louise disappeared and no one heard from her again, and yet, after the owner constructed a new house on the same spot and that house was haunted, you tell us the story of Ann-Louise. It would be a good addition to the story if you hadn't already said Ann-Louise was never again heard from. Was she never heard from or did she make a new life for herself? You need to be clear on the subject.
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Review of She Sings.  
Review by LJ Barr
Rated: E | (5.0)
a VERY NICE ODE. ENJOYED The READ. I have but one suggestion. in line two of the second stanza, you've spelled cant wrong. Proper punctuation is can't. Other than that the message is clear and concise. Keep writing.
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Review by LJ Barr
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This is a lovely poem with a strong message. But the story is so incomplete. Story poetry must not only tell a story, but it must also transfer the feeling that something is about to happen. The following is just a suggestion. I am well aware you might have written this poem for a contest with a word count, if so, I fully understand the clipped tone of the rendering. Good luck in future writing endeavors.

A magic bird does fly from her gilded cage
within the palace walls;
into freedom and yet does not realize
the consequences of its hasty decision.
The sky turns dark and the winds turn cold;
is this what the bird sought after when
decided to depart her warm home within the palace walls?
Her song soon changed from a soft trill that comforted
all who heard it,
to a harsh grating crow,
causing fear and trepidation
among all who heard it.
Was this what she wanted?
Freedom comes at a price.
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Review of Forest Sunset  
Review by LJ Barr
Rated: E | (4.5)
A lovely picture to compliment a beautiful poem. However, a little tweaking would make the meaning clearer.

Your poem:

Omit: Molten steel pours from the crucible,
from the furnace to the clouded sky,

rivers of radiant gold
beyond the darkening land below
and jagged silhouettes of trees
sketch the horizon between bright and shadow,
the black depths of their gathered masses
a velvet floor to the foundry of Helios above,
thus to the sheet of fiery waters,
a golden spill reflecting glory to the heavens,
languid at our feet as we stand transfixed
by the dying of the day.


My Suggestion

The darkening land over which
rivers of radiant gold did flow,
As jagged silhouettes of trees
stretch beyond the sea of glass.
As we stand Awestruck
As as the golden orb above
foretells another dying day.


As always this is just a suggestion. The poem and the choice to use the suggestion is yours. Good luck with your writing endeavors.
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Review of Thanksgiving  
Review by LJ Barr
Rated: E | (4.5)
You have told a sad story indeed. Where is he/she that they are so far away on Thanksgiving day, or is it a separation? That's all I need to know.
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Review of First Jump  
Review by LJ Barr
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a well-written, easy reading, fast-moving story.
The major problem I see with it is you have made separate paragraphs where they were not necessary, and there is no indentation.
Example: Your story: As exercise riders, we usually have the job of riding the jumpers out to the schooling field and warming them up for the jockeys. Then we switch horses. The jockeys would school the fresh set of horses over the fences, as we rode the already schooled horses back to the stable. This is what I did that day, until the boss asked me to bring the horse I just brought out to see jump with the other two jockeys.

Normally the schooling session goes as follows; Riders bring their horse up to the first jump and stand, letting the horse look at it, while the boss spoke about how he would like the school to go. The riders would agree on the plan and ride back far enough to get a straight start to the jumps. The boss would then follow the group in his car as they ran at full speed over three of the full size race fences together.

So, when the boss asked me to let my horse come look at the jump I questioned when I was to switch horses. He said we were not switching, that I was schooling this horse. I felt a number of feelings at this time and there was no time for questioning. I was schooling this horse and that was that. As the jockeys turned to get a running start and the boss got into his car, I had no choice but to follow and do as I was told.

My Suggestion: normally the schooling session goes as follows; Riders bring their horse up to the first jump and stand, letting the horse look at it, while the boss spoke about how he would like the school to go. The riders would agree on the plan and ride back far enough to get a straight start to the jumps. The boss would then follow the group in his car as they ran at full speed over three of the full-size race fences together.

So, when the boss asked me to let my horse come look at the jump I questioned when I was to switch horses. He said we were not switching, that I was schooling this horse. I felt a number of feelings at this time and there was no time for questioning. I was schooling this horse and that was that. As the jockeys turned to get a running start and the boss got into his car, I had no choice but to follow and do as I was told.

My Suggestion: Normally the schooling session goes as follows; Riders bring their horse up to the first jump and stand, letting the horse look at it, while the boss spoke about how he would like the school to go. The riders would agree on the plan and ride back far enough to get a straight start to the jumps. The boss would then follow the group in his car as they ran at full speed over three of the full-size race fences together. So, when the boss asked me to let my horse come look at the jump I questioned when I was to switch horses. He said we were not switching, that I was schooling this horse. I felt a number of feelings at this time and there was no time for questioning. I was schooling this horse and that was that. As the jockeys turned to get a running start and the boss got into his car, I had no choice but to follow and do as I was told.
This paragraph is about the jockey. Therefore it is one congruent paragraph. It flows smoother this way.
As always, this is only a suggestion. Using is entirely your decision.

Good luck with your future writing projects.

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Review of Confession  
Review by LJ Barr
Rated: E | (3.0)


























Was this written for the dialogue contest? If so,it's well-written. However, I'm not a fan of dialogue contests, only any more than I am of no dialogue contests. Because both have one big problem. One reads like a boring two head conversation. The other reads like a newspaper article. Dialogue is necessary to break the monotony of the story. And Speech tags are necessary to identify the people talking.










was
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Review by LJ Barr
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Although this is a well-written story, and good grammar makes for easy reading, but I'm not into prostitution. So, it's hard for me to be objective. However, I can honestly say that the two main characters need some reality training. He's lucky somebody doesn't take his head off, and she is lucky she hasn't been beaten to a pulp for her behavior.
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Review of Walking Away  
Review by LJ Barr
Rated: E | (3.5)
You have done an excellent job of putting your thoughts on paper. However, negativity makes life dull and depressing. Try believing in yourself, your life will change for the better.
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