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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/balgroggy
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5 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi Holly,
Here are my suggestions on chapter 1 as I read through it.

"If this night was to be his last, then he could not have asked for a more beautiful scene before him. The full moon shone in perfection, the stars blossoming about her but drops in the ocean of her silver radiance." The switch from him to her confused me a little, until I realised you were referring to the moon as her. It wasn't obvious by the phrasing so maybe changing it to read something like "The full moon shone in perfection, her attendants the stars were but drops in the ocean.." that way it puts the her more firmly referring to the moon.

The rest is wonderful, feeling the anxiety and trepidation come through really well.

It might be worth fleshing out the descriptions a little, what is the hall like, what does it smell of for instance.

Also rather than saying that Boroden is 3.2 feet high, that seems rather precise and would have preferred something like just over 3 feet. Unless of course brownies like to measure things precisely. *Ha*

2
2
Review of Secret Cave Swim  
Rated: ASR | (2.5)
This sent a vision to me almost like the graceful beings in the film Avatar. Very nicely done.
3
3
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Oooh! I like this. It has a lot of promise, a few slightly rough spots, but with the right editor, I'm sure it will be even more awesome!

*Delight*
4
4
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Hi there,
Nice idea. But it gets a little confused about who is speaking at points. Might be worth putting a little direction as who is speaking each line.
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